The Box

A new & improved/happier Deb

2010-08-29T23:27:00.000-07:00

Anybody (still) out there?

First of all - sad that people connect, then disconnect here in the blogworld. Most have moved on to those cesspools otherwise known as Facebook & Twitter (whom we will now refer to as Twitfaces), but some have just plain disappeared. And that saddens me (WN - you know who you are).

I am doing well. Extremely well - saw my doctor Thursday for the first time in nearly two years and he went "wow, you're looking great". So I guess that's good.

I am a summer person - have always known that. Am happiest when it's summer and I can spend half my day outside. Am back to a pretty rigid fitness routine - was missing from my life for awhile and it's a big piece that needs to be in place if I am to be truly happy. Have been running since I was 12. Started swimming/aerobics in my teens. It's just part of who I am and I feel complete with a dumbbell in my hand.

Work is great. Insanely busy and chaotic - but that's how I roll. The people are fantastic and as crazy as I am, so it works well for me.

Have been moderating on the Canucks forums, which is where I spend 98% of my non work/family related time. Great people there, too. So it seems that I'm surrounded by them, which is a big part of my overall happiness these days.

The downside in my life - road rage. I could shoot people when I drive - no questions asked. Would likely be easier on all of us. Today I fingered 3 people in one trip. Outta control. They are.

But I'm working on them. We'll get them straightened out soon.

That's it - a whole lotta nothing. But a smile on my face, and that's fairly new.

:)

2010-06-08T22:36:00.000-07:00

I had to fire someone yesterday...that did not feel good.

I read her FB status later in the evening, which stated that it "was the worst fucking day of her life".

So then I really did not feel good.

I felt that we should've given her a chance...explained why she was not meeting expectations and seen if an improvement was made. We had a meeting last week to discuss "her" and that was my recommendation. Then she didn't show up for work yesterday. Brilliant. Done deal as far as my boss was concerned. I did it via telephone - pretty uncool in my opinion. The Employment Standards Act likely thinks so too.

Ah well, life goes on.

Today her FB status read" "best day of my life - sun is shining and Tom Petty tonight".

I guess she's over it. So I can be too.

Few & Far Between

2010-06-03T22:24:00.001-07:00

New and improved Deb is here.

I am loving my new job (although, after 8 months, I guess it's no longer classified as "new"). The time flies by and I really look forward to going to work. It is stressful, don't get me wrong - my coworker equates it to the stock market trading floor. But I thrive on that - on organized chaos...it's where I live.

After having been in a rather suffocating, one sided marriage that really didn't focus on me much, I'm finally coming into my own (again). I have a purpose beyond being a Mom (which will always be my number one priority)...I love that I feel challenged each and every day.

I was promoted to office manager today and got my third raise. In a nutshell, it feels damn good to be appreciated, respected and feel worthy of all of that.

Not everything is rosey - Dad was sued and owes a very large award to ICBC. Initially, it crushed us - nearly took us both down as we were devastated by the news that we thought couldn't possibly ever come true. How could it? The guy was a fraud and I'd taken enough pictures and gathered plenty of evidence to support that. But he had one thing we didn't - high priced lawyer friends. 'Nuff said.

In the end, we both concluded that we shouldn't let this consume us...that, if we did, he really had "won". It's money...we can survive (and will). Move on.

The ex is a dick. But we already knew that. It just needed to be reiterated because, apparently, this week is be a total dick week.

All in all, Deb is happy. And she hopes you are too. :)

Oh hai there

2010-02-27T11:16:00.000-08:00

I really don't want to let go of this place, despite the fact that I only seem to come here for quarterly visits.

This is where "the internet" really started for me - where I "met" the dearest people. So I just won't let this place die. Flounder around, blue and lifeless - yes. Die - no.

I'm working, full time, as a Customer Service Mgr for a moving company. I thought I hated my job, but it seems that that was attributed to one nasty coworker (who, apparently, I helped get canned). We had 3 fights within the first month of my employment...I'm blaming her for all of them. She was an extremely negative bitchy bitch and everyone agrees that she was toxic to the environment. So now I love my job, as it's a rather happy place. Much freedom in a family based deal. Plus, I just heard we get tickets to a box at GM Place for Canucks games so, I guess I'm a lifer now.

I suppose the biggest news here is that the Olympics are in town. The place is electric - people are having the time of their lives and the gorgeous, spring like weather last week didn't hurt either.

In Richmond (where I live) we have the speed skating "oval", although I've never stepped inside it (yet). It's a lovely big piece of skating rink, although somewhat intrusive in its location, which was once a quiet little spot where I used to walk by the river. There was also a trailer park there, which I find rather ironic. But now it's just a bustling hub of activity. And a big, freakin' traffic jam.

I did venture down to the "O Zone", which is fairly close to my place and a stroll up the road from my Mum in law's (knew I hung onto the ol' gal for a reason). I felt I needed to participate in something, although I'm quite happy to just watch the whole ordeal from the comfort of my living room.

I saw the Canadian Tenors there - they were fantastic and it was a great experience. To see people from all over the world, coming together in a united show of bliss, is really quite something. People of all ages, singing "Oh Canada" and braving the cold of night to be a part of it all. Connecting in a way I've never seen before...it was like we were all floating through a dream - the lights, the sounds, the smiles. It was beautiful and euphoric. Then I stepped in puke outside the Holland Heineken House and it snapped me back to reality. "Oh yeah"

Although I'm really quite opposed to the whole idea of the massive costs associated with Olympic games, I love them despite that - always have (I just think Deb's bargain basement could do them cheaper). As a sports fanatic, I can't get enough of them and almost miss the fact that I don't have to stay up all night, watching in different time zones. I mostly watch the events from work, on my laptop, then come home and watch the replays.

But I must admit that this is a big deal. The feeling here, everywhere you go, is fantastic. It's like Christmas day, every day. The streets are filled with people wearing flags and clown suits and everyone's friendly, smiling and, well, drunk. To see the streets filled with people giving way to one another instead of elbowing to be first in line....waving out the window without using their middle fingers, is quite lovely. And there's cowbell...what more can I say?

My daughter is totally immersed in the whole deal - although it's funny how, as a family, we're all experiencing the games in totally different ways. (Uh, speak of the devil, there she is now...)
She's totally caught up in the music end of things - I think she's taken in a free concert every night since the games began. She does it a little differently than I do but, hey, she makes it up onto the big screen and gets the crowd cheering. She's also lined up for 5+ hours to do the zip trek over Robson street. Twice. (She's an animal). Me? - I'm quite content to open my living room window and hear things from afar.

My son took in the hockey game last night at Robson Square (which is the place to be for us poor folk). He said it was awesome - despite the pouring rain, thousands of people still poured in there. Oh wait, I see what I did there...it wasn't intentional. For the most part, we're really behaving nicely as a city/country. I've been holding my breath, waiting for another riot ('cause that's how we roll here), but it seems that we've learned how to party the right way.

Although I do feel sad that I'm not really "involved" in a hands on way, I don't feel left out. The spirit of the Olympics is everywhere and although I never thought I'd say this, I'm going to miss them when they're gone next week. I like it when the world parties in my backyard and I feel proud of how things have gone.

Our athletes have been stellar - true class acts with so many stories of courage and inspiration. I won't go into details (that's what Google's for), but amazing.

For those who really know me, you know that MY Olympics are this weekend, when the hockey gold is decided. Although I watch all the events, cheer like a crazy woman in my red and whites and hold my breath for each and every finish, the hockey kicks it up a notch for me. It's intense. I'm a little over the top (like this guy).

So I'm sitting here, drinking pounds of coffee, waiting. For tomorrow. That's when Lu and the boys will do me proud, like every other athlete this week who's given it their all to entertain us lame brain couch potatoes.

In a nutshell, I really do wish I had had more ~~money~~ time to get involved at the street level of things. Although I was initially somewhat resistant to being "invaded" by the Olympics (hey, I like my space), I can say they've been an absolute blast as far as I've seen and from all accounts around me. And, although I can sit back and look at pictures that others have taken along the way, it's gone by too quickly and I wish I'd seen/done more. It crept up so slowly it seems...and then BAM, it's over. Back to quiet, comfortable monotony I guess.

UPDATE: Apparently I am now joining my daughter and her friends to participate in some of the hoopla tonight, as we're heading to Wintersleep (her second time seeing them this week) and Wide Mouth Mason. While I don't know Wintersleep, she tells me it's like an hour long jam session. And Wide Mouth Mason, well, they're family (my cousin married in..they played at her wedding). So it's my duty - I must go. And even moreso because my daughter has extended an invitation for me to join them. What kind of mother would I be if I didn't?

Back soon.

2009-11-24T03:22:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here, beer by my side, because I can.

I wish I could just take the easy route out and become a full blown alcohol - but I don't like drinking much. So scrap that - a nice idea, but it wouldn't work. I''m too responsible to crack. So I crack a beer instead. At 3:05 when everything around me is falling apart, because I feel like it completes the sentence. I. AM. FAIL.

I don't really believe that, but I just threw Linds out of the house for the night and am sitting with Ty, head heavy in hands, as he battles a bout of anxiety. Such is life.

I've struggled to make things "right", to make my kids' lives be ok. Times like this I say a big "you've failed Deb". (Did I just say that?)

Problem is - I don't buy that....I know I haven't. I've devoted myself - my every moment - to making sure my kids are ok. I've remained on my own for that purpose (no man was good enough to enter my kids' lives). But, somehow, we've hit a wall tonight.

It'll be ok....somehow, we'll battle through this adversity and laugh, united, once again. But tonight I just feel like I want to be numb and even Poker After Dark can't capture my attention long enough to make me forget that I have to be up soon for work.

Man, I've been running on empty (but strong) for so long. I feel invincible these days...but times like this confuse me. I don't want to be thrust into dysfunction because I'm too busy functioning. My bring it attitude gets me through but, suddenly, I want to quit tonight.

I won't.

2009-11-19T19:48:00.000-08:00

Someone mentioned Deb's Box today, so here I am.

Had all but forgotten about this place. Not the dear friends I've met, just the mindless dribble that fills the space.

So the new job is meh. Love it one day, am ready to quit the next. I am the Customer Services Manager and, for the first time in my life, will soon have my own business cards to drop into the restaurant "win a dinner on us" fishbowl. So, basically, my job entails cleaning up the shit that everyone else has created (kind of like my job at home as "Mom"). I have mixed feelings about my coworkers - they are sleazy, conniving, lying, salesmen who have the overall integrity of a jar. On the other hand, they are family oriented, generous (how does that work?), light hearted, understanding individuals when they drop the sales pitch. Seeing things from this end of things scares me...usually I'm the customer demanding service on the other end of the phone. My downfall in this job might be my empathy and the fact that I don't like to screw people over which, apparently, is mandatory.

I love the actual work - the composing emails and schmoozing the customers (I have 8 new friends already) are right up my alley. But it's all the unnecessary screw ups that I have to witness that have me pulling out my hair....it appears to be a difficult concept for some to grasp that if you do the legwork and ensure things are done right from the get go, you save yourself a lot of heartache (and work) in the end. I am not cut out to be a salesperson if it means selling garbage. If the infommercial's going to be believable, I have to believe in the product. I don't know that I do.

For now, I have a paycheck coming in. But Deb has never been and never will be a good liar. That is what I have learned this month.

2009-10-06T08:54:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update, as I really don't want to just completely throw in the towel here.

Dad's had a bit of go lately - a couple of stints in emerg., etc. Initially, was frightened that the huge mass he had in his abdomen might've been more of the dreaded C...thankfully, it doesn't appear to be the case. Nevertheless, his much anticipated hip replacement surgery scheduled for the end of September was put on hold indefinitely as he requires more "emergency" type surgery to clear up the bowling ball on his gut.

The kids are great. I'm still unemployed, meaning we're nearly homeless. Went for an interview last week - really felt I connected with the women who interrogated me but apparently they don't want old gals whose greatest skill is baking banana bread either. Have to update - am not proficient in Word, Excel, Power Point or Cantonese, but man, I whip up some mean fajitas! Hope you're all well...miss you dearly. Will try and make the rounds later but, according to today's schedule*, no promises...

*Today's schedule:

-This
-Drive Fiona to Surrey
-Walk the dog (we've kidnapped the ex's lab again)
-Cut Dad's grass
-Pick up Linds and deposit her at her point B
-Rush home to start dinner
-Pick Linds up from B and deliver her to C
-Laundromat (maybe, although I'll likely saw screw it and wear mismatched socks again)
-Something else that I know I'm forgetting

Girl Power

2009-08-30T21:26:00.000-07:00

Went to a concert last week. Now that I'm broke and unemployed I don't do many shows...I save up for the really important ones like Pearl Jam and Matt Good. But Linds was in a big funk (again) not long ago so when I saw that Jenny Lewis AND Cat Power (two of her favorites) were playing together, I sprung into action. Literally - I abandoned my computer mid post and dashed to Ticketmaster. I bought two tickets and was proud as a pig in poop as I sped home to break the news. Only, in double checking the tickets, I quickly realized that it wasn't, in fact, Jenny Lewis playing - it was Juliette Lewis. Oh dear. But the bonus was that the Pretenders were headlining the show so she'd get to see another kick ass lady who rocks. Not quite what I'd planned, but pretty decent nonetheless.

I'd never been to the Malkin Bowl at Stanley Park (I've only lived here 47 years - gimme a break) but I can say that I'll definitely return. What a lovely venue - like a hidden treasure in the middle of the park. Quaint, back yardsy like.

We filed in and spread out a blanket, but Linds quickly bolted to the front of the stage so I followed. I'm too old for that - should've kept my blanket spot.

Juliette Lewis came out first and I was pleasantly surprised. I'd YouTube'd her beforehand and knew Linds would like her...wasn't sure about me. But she was refreshingly down to earth, cute and personable. Really interacted well with the crowd and was comedic and charming. As she slunk and strutted around in her black laytex outfit with feathered shoulders she reminded me of a female Mick Jagger with a Catwoman on crack undertone. She also seemed to be channeling Janis at certain points in the show. It worked and we liked her (a lot).

Next was Cat Power. Linds quickly commented that she was wearing exactly the same thing as last show she'd seen. Practical. She was awesome, but somewhat disconnected. I interpreted it as a bit of a shyness - she had her back turned to us a good deal of the time. But she was sweet and even posed for Linds to take a pic at one point. I cried during She's Got You (an old favorite of Mom's). And Metal Heart - the "you're not worth a thing" part - always cuts right through to the core.

It was night by the time the Pretenders came out. Chrissie strutted on stage, commanding the audience's attention from the get go. Such a strong rocker chick. I wasn't a huge Pretenders fan back in the day but I did have a few "favorites" (Ohio, Middle Of The Road) and they were done to perfection. So a pretty kickass show - better than I'd expected. A lot of "shredding" by the guitarist to fill the gaps which was kind of overkill towards the end. (We're too old for that)

I had to agree with Lindsay when she pointed out that Chrissie bore a close resemblance to Alice Cooper by the end of the show.

All in all it was a good night. Except for the fact that, come concert end, they tossed us out onto a pitch black path that veered off in several different directions - all leading to what seemed like nowhere. No lighting at all, which was ridiculous. (People sue now, they should fix that.) So I'm here to say that Stanley Park at night is not fun - we had to blindly navigate down some stairs and I'm also too old for that crap. Completely disoriented in the dark, the "find the car" game was a little stressful and created some anxiety....but I did what I usually do when I'm lost. I bug other people to take care of us. And they did, leading us back to the parking lot and, eventually, onto the road back home.

Up next: Pearl Jam

2009-08-29T22:27:00.000-07:00

Hey.

I'm back (I think). This is what Deb does - she disappears for awhile. Hides? Rejuvenates.

So today when I was out riding I realized that I do something - it's a bit of an experiment. When I'm out and about I try and see who I can get to smile back at me. It's such an easy thing - a smile, but it lingers. The warmth stays with you long after the person's passed. A smile can really have an impact - that split second can turn around a person's entire day (if it's been a bad one). I've learned that many (most) don't just dole out a smile - you have to initiate it. There aren't too many smilers left...people who just wander around looking happy. Maybe just the crazies (like me?).

Behind my smile I also can have a bit of a mean streak though. Well, maybe not mean - just intolerant? For instance (and this usually just happens with bitchy looking women), if I ride by, smile and say hello to someone and they don't respond, it ain't pretty. When I'm beyond that person (but not out of earshot) I usually follow up with a growling, under my breath but loud enough to be heard "biiiiiiitch". Just to make the point. It goes like this:

Deb: smile/"hello"
Person: nothing, nadda
Deb: "biiiiiitch", followed by another smile that person can't see.

I'm a little twisted.

Anyhow, today I analyzed my data and I came to this conclusion:

Smiles often come from the most unlikely candidates. Those who look like they should have a reason to smile - the well to do's who are sitting on sunny patios in nice clothes, sipping cool (overpriced) lattes, often don't. I ride by and smile and they sit there, like well placed mannequins. They don't even blink.

But today as I rode towards an elderly, rather disheveled looking Asian man with a walker who was struggling to get up the incline with what looked like a care aide, I smiled. And I got the warmest, toothiest, happiest grin I've seen in weeks.

It's just that simple.

(FTR: homeless people are the best smilers yet. Next to us crazies, of course)

2009-05-31T09:54:00.000-07:00

I've decided not to fight it anymore.

I've changed my thinking and am no longer a useless, unemployed, lazy slob who'll never find work (or love) again - meet the new/improved fit, tanned, happy go lucky vacationer! Amazing what a little sun does for the spirit. In all seriousness, I've suddenly realized that I don't have to HATE not working - that I should just roll with it until something does come my way. So I've reprogrammed my little brain into actually using this time off as just that - time off. And I'm loving it (maybe a little too much - I just opened the crisper to find the jar of Italian seasoning in there.

So, yes, we're a little poorer - but we will survive. Took awhile for the anxiety to pass and for me to see that life's not out to screw me - but there's something to this jobless thing. I am growing my own patio veggies and eating a little "lighter" to ease up on the budget, so we're not officially starving (yet) - we're actually getting healthier. +1

I'm slowly (seen a slug crawl? Think of that, times 100) getting through a few projects that need doing. Well - ok, I'm writing lists and thinking about projects that need to be done. That's a start. +2

I'm finding time to connect with people again. Too bad that it takes funerals to bring people together, but Uncle Fred would've wanted it that way. It's been too long and, yes, I'm free. +3

Linds is likely correct with her observations/analysis of me...she's convinced that I'm bipolar, ADHD, SAD (the seasonal kind), a little depressed, & a tad bit OCD. Throw in middle aged crazy and I think that's about nailed it. But, for now, I'm choosing to roll with the punches and just be happy again.

Broke, rather lazy and extremely happy.

I love you sunshine.

It's Been Awhile Since I Had A Good Ol' Bitchfest

2009-05-19T08:27:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd miss working so much. Nearly five months and still nothing - perhaps it's a blessing in disguise, as I've been sicker than a dog. Initially, I suspected swine - my brother in law had been to Mexico just before Easter then had the ex & the mother in law over for dinner. It was a double whammy - the ex and his brother had both been away when we'd invited the mother in law to our family Easter dinner - she'd accepted the invitation and all the plans had been made. Then, two days before Easter she says she "forgot" that they'd already made plans at her son's house so she'd be going there instead. Oh yeah, the ex was going as well and the only people NOT invited were our kids. Sorry. So we salvaged our plans and they had a "family" party (my ex had the audicity to state that he had to be with his mother/brother because they were "blood"...."excuse me???....our children's DNA would like to have word with you!!"). God, I forgot how childish he can be...time to man up. Oh wait - too late. Anyhow, they were kind enough to pass along this vicious flu to us after their party, when the dust had settled from the outburst I'd had about ditching us. The mother in law actually cares - she called me to apologize and said she really did feel bad. I believe her (kind of). The ex is still an ass though. Anyhow - none of them even had the decency to tell us they'd been sick - I found out via Facebook status updates that they'd all come down with something the week after their party. God, suddenly I remember why I opted out of this family in the first place...so much crap to deal with. Let. Me. Out.

The ex is being his flakey self - the sunshine always did make him go whacky. More beer. Outings with the guys. He rarely sees the kids anymore, despite the fact that he lives 5 minutes away now. His loss - we've moved on too. But I know it hurts (Lindsay especially...she so wants to be Daddy's girl). Loser. Thank GOD she, at least, has a counsellor in her corner - he's extremely dependable and is providing some stability, as her father is too busy at the moment to do so. She vents with him - they go for coffee/walks and he's always in her corner. He drops everything when life's crashing down on her and I'm so thankful that we crossed paths with this wonderful man.

So, yeah - anyhow. A week's worth of antibiotics and I still feel like my ribs have been through the Stanley Cup playoffs. Speaking of which, my team's out - so life basically sucks right now. Which is why I'm hiding.

Coffee's ready - that's moving in the right direction. Back soon....

I hope. ;)

2009-04-10T23:47:00.000-07:00

Losing the star without a sky
Losing the reasons why
You're losing the calling that you've been faking
And i'm not kidding

It's damned if you don't and it's damned if you do
Be true 'cause they'll lock you up in a sad sad zoo
Oh hidy hidy hidy what cha tryin to prove
By hidy hidy hiding you're not worth a thing

Sew your fortunes on a string
And hold them up to light
Blue smoke will take
A very violent flight
And you will be changed
And everything
And you will be in a very sad sad zoo.

I once was lost but now i'm found was blind
But now I see you
How selfish of you to believe in the meaning of all the bad dreaming

Metal heart you're not hiding
Metal heart you're not worth a thing

Metal heart you're not hiding
Metal heart you're not worth a thing

2009-03-26T10:13:00.000-07:00

I'm really excited today!!

I've had to kick the job hunt up a notch or two over the past week as my EI will be running out soon. This was creating concern (no one wants to be homeless, right?) and actually starting to cross over into desperate thoughts as I envisioned myself standing in the meridian of a busy street with a squeegie in my hand. I was actually starting to have some "hmmmm" moments as I'd pass people rummaging through garbage cans for bottles on the streets. Yes, I am worried.

But this week things are started to fall into place and I have a few solid prospects to report (possibly even a new job today!...knocking on wood now).

Tuesday night I got my email working again to see that there was a reply to a an application I'd submitted...a really good (city) job. What a time for email to falter....it just doesn't fare well for these things to sit, unnoticed/unaswered. Yesterday I followed up with it on the library computer and things look rather promising! They're interested and this is a very well paying, foot in the door type job.

Also, I got a phonecall from the physio clinic I'd applied at a few weeks ago - a job that had really tweaked my interest. As it turns out, the girl they hired isn't working out and they still need someone...I'm meeting the boss (again) this morning (he's taking me for coffee!). He sounds rather desperate himself...I'd noticed that the clinic was closed on Saturday when I drove by and it's supposed to be open all day....me thinks maybe someone was a no show?!?! Anyhow, he pretty much sounds ready to hire someone on the spot so I'm off to see what the deal is!

Now my big dilemma is this - if he offers me the job then the other place wants to follow up with me, it'll be a pickle. I can't afford NOT to take this opportunity, but the other one is an extremely fantastic position. I was completely sold on the physio clinic until I saw this posting...which had me written all over it.

Off now to see what develops....either way, things are starting to take a positive turn.

(The only downside to this is the incredibly horrible timing...the Zombie family are in town for 3 days and I haven't been able to connect with them (or Mel). Am hoping they're having a lovely time and decide to stay forever. In the interim, I've done my sun dance upon waking each morning...which apparently is working. Barb - my deepest regrets at the bad timing of all of this...will connect someday/somehow. But my heart is there with you...smiling and laughing. xoxo)

2009-03-23T10:08:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try and be more regular here. Blogging that is.

Although I thought my computer woes were behind me with a day and a half of solid connections, today I'm back to throwing things because it's taking SO long to load comments that it just times out. That was just the case on Allison's blog, although I managed to scrawl out another and get it in there. Bah. Ty assures me that it's just how it is with wireless internet...sometimes it's on, others it's secretly blowing raspberries in your face.

Either way - FU computer.

I'm currently laughing as I stumbled across a list of things to do that I wrote out. Probably a month and a half ago. I'd decided that being unemployed was quickly equating to being unproductive and that I needed a list so I could check off at least one (hopefully 3-5) things a day as I accomplished them. Ha, good one. The list got buried under coupons and bills.

I mean these things aren't tough - some are mere phonecalls.

Anyhow here's the list and how I've broken it down (and why it isn't working):

TAKE BOTTLES IN: Ty made me do it. Can actually check this one off. I was fearful...so many bags/boxes out there that I'd become convinced there was a raccoon family living in our carport. DO NOT DISTURB. We finally buckled down and it took 3 carloads to get the job done (we took Dad's in too). When you get $79 at the bottle depot, you've let things go too far.

CALL SHAW TO REPORT INACCURACIES ON BILL: Self explanatory. I don't have a week to wait with a phone stuck on my ear. Oh wait, yes I do.

BOOK A HAIR APPOINTMENT FOR LINDS: I know what you're thinking...why can't she just make the appointment herself? It's not that simple. When your hairdresser's a cracked out nutbar who's only left you her cell number and insists on telling you her man problems like she's your best friend, it's dicey. Linds loves her (as do I), but I tend to only expose my daughter to this gem for the actual hair appointment (and pray that she gets thru it fairly unscathed). The rest (as a responsible mother) is handled by me. Although I go elsewhere and would prefer Linds to do the same, she refuses because "R really knows how to cut her hair". I don't have the extra 120 lying around at my disposal anyhow, so this one'll have to wait for now anyhow. "Shaggy's in Linds...REALLY it is".

TAXES: Fuck it. I'll do them later. Besides, I'm still not over Christmas...don't start throwing all this shit at me. Chill out.

CAR SERVICING: Why fix it if it ain't broke?

SPRING CLEANING: Hahahahahahahaha.....next.

There's other stuff on the list, but I can't read it because there's a big coffee stain and it's smeared the letters.

Gotta run. Apparently I've go stuff to do.

2009-03-21T10:18:00.000-07:00

I really thought that this unemployment thing would create more time for me to play here, but that hasn't been the case. I don't know where the hours/days/weeks are going, but is it really nearly the end of March?

My God, time to get my butt in gear.

The job hunt is awful...I even gave up for a week as I was growing so disheartened and depressed with the whole thing. Interviews go well and then....nothing. I'm not quite at the desperate stage, but another month or so and I'm going to be freaking out a little. Hanging in there, but barely. I sent out two more Resumes yesterday, but I've gotten to the point that I expect nothing...that's not good. The negativity will start to creep into my demeanor and I can almost see myself walking into the next few interviews:

"Hi, I'm Deb and I'm a loser. Old, kinda lame, uninspired and not really much to offer here. Skills? I can wiggle my ears. I'll bake muffins. So, I guess we'll call it a wrap, huh? Hey, got any free pens or stuff I can sell at a garage sale?"

Patience. If I couldn't go for my riverside walks/rides, I'd be doomed. That usually sorts things out and reminds me that I live a good life and should just chill. I've got my health, a great family, etc....so really, I'm ahead of the game right there. But these damn bills.....

My computer's also been acting up and it seems to have been related to our wireless router. A bit of tape and I'm back in action (before it was dropping connections and took 10 minutes to load a page. I am not a patient person so a lot of bad words were said).

Anyhow, not much to report. Other than GO CANUCKS! ;)

2009-02-27T13:45:00.001-08:00

I'm getting pretty tired of washing dishes before they go into the dishwasher then again after I take them out. As a matter of fact, I don't even know where some of these food stains come from...it's like they get dirtier in there. Where the hell's the sludge cycle on the dial?...somehow missed that one. Anyhow, I've just had an "aha" lightbulb moment with the realization that I should just bypass the middle man and wash the damn things by hand. My dishwasher is now classified as extra pots & pans storage.

It's gorgeous out...what a screwed up bunch of weather this is. Snow Wednesday...beach Friday. What the hell to wear???

2009-02-24T09:00:00.000-08:00

If you've noticed the new addition to my sidebar (yes, a couple of years later and Deb has added something new here!) you'll probably be as WOW'd as I am about this release. I immediately thought of you Barb...something about every single time the Decemberists are mentioned I visualize you prancing lightly about your kitchen, stirring with a wooden spoon in a large mixing bowl as you make something with oatmeal in it (large flake of course). Anyhow, a wonderful project that raises money for the Red Hot Organization AIDS/HIV charity. I'm going to find it now (for Linds, for her birthday...shhhh, don't tell). Really it's for me though, as the minute she opens it I'll be hijacking it and adding it to my iTunes. And dancing in my kitchen. (FTR: I'm in love with Sleepless and have played it at least 80 times already). Here's the track list:

THIS DISC
1 Knotty Pine – Dirty Projectors + David Byrne
2 Cello Song (Nick Drake) – The Books featuring Jose Gonzalez
3 Train Song (Vashti Bunyan recorded, written by Alasdair Clayre) – Feist + Ben Gibbard
4 Brackett, WI – Bon Iver
5 Deep Blue Sea – Grizzly Bear
6 So Far Around the Bend – The National (arrangement by Nico Muhly)
7 Tightrope – Yeasayer
8 Feeling Good (popularized by Nina Simone) – My Brightest Diamond
9 Dark Was the Night (Blind Willie Johnson) – Kronos Quartet
10 I Was Young When I Left Home (Bob Dylan) – Antony + Bryce Dessner
11 Big Red Machine – Justin Vernon + Aaron Dessner
12 Sleepless – The Decemberists
13 Stolen Houses (Die) – Iron and Wine
14 Service Bell – Grizzly Bear + Feist
15 You Are The Blood – Sufjan Stevens

THAT DISC
1 Well-Alright – Spoon
2 Lenin – Arcade Fire
3 Mimizan – Beirut
4 El Caporal – My Morning Jacket
5 Inspiration Information (Shuggie Otis) – Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings
6 With A Girl Like You (The Troggs) – Dave Sitek
7 Blood Pt 2 (based on original song “You are the Blood” by the Castanets) – Buck 65 Remix (featuring Sufjan Stevens and Serengeti)
8 Hey, Snow White (Destroyer) – The New Pornographers
9 Gentle Hour (Snapper) – Yo La Tengo
10 Another Saturday (traditional song) – Stuart Murdoch
11 Happiness – Riceboy Sleeps
12 Amazing Grace (traditional song) – Cat Power and Dirty Delta Blues
13 The Giant Of Illinois (Handsome Family) – Andrew Bird
14 Lua – Conor Oberst + Gillian Welch
15 When the Road Runs Out – Blonde Redhead + Devastations
16 Love vs. Porn – Kevin Drew

I've missed you guys, but have had to take a bit of a break during the glorious sunshine here to reacquaint myself with my bike/walking shoes. I've been at the river daily and it's been wonderful. I'm liking this unemployment just a wee bit too much and, hello, could someone please get those lotto numbers right so I can do this fulltime. Please?

Dad just had another surgery last week, which also explains my absence. He's doing well - this is run of the mill for us now. I told the lady at the desk to go take a break, I could register him in and get him prepped. But he's all stapled up and being his usual stubborn self (trying to vacuum)....I actually had to wrestle the thing away from him.

Linds hates her new school (I don't blame her - it's lame). Her teacher's a moron and when you've had the pleasure of being associated with the wonderful staff at her old school, it's a hard act to follow. We're trying to be patient, but c'mon - her teacher doesn't know how to spell!? There is no room for individuality/creativity and Linds feels completely overwhelmed and stifled there. Her teacher's new handle is Ms. Manclown (a twist on her name - yes, I know...I'm as mature as the banana in my fruit bowl). The only good thing is that she's hooked up with a great counsellor whose attitude is "just get by - I'll help you with that". Her old counsellor is also networking with this guy in an attempt to get her through so, although it won't be perfect, she has some people to support her in her quest for survival there.

Well, off to the record store (do they still have those?).

I will try and be more regular here because I truly do miss you guys when I'm away. It feels like months.

2009-02-11T20:53:00.000-08:00

YEA! Fifteen days later and we just got the ok on the water - no asbestos or creepy crawlies to be found! You have no idea how much you miss clean water until you have to live without it for awhile. I sympathize with those dealing with this on an ongoing basis in other countries - it's rough. We've been showering all over town and using bottled water for washing/brushing teeth (at least we have that option). Man, it feels like Christmas around here tonight as we're all giddy over showering at home.

One thing I am less than giddy about is paying for air. Yes, AIR. When I pulled into the gas station tonight to fill the tires I learned that they'd installed a coin operated air compressor - a loonie to fill a tire! So a big F U to you Petro Can...I should charge you to operate on my street. I was actually so pissed off that I left without getting gas...I begrudged giving them any of my money after that slap in the face. So now I'm driving around on under inflated tires with an empty tank. And I need antifreeze. I'm on a roll....the other day I drove around with the E brake on. A winner fo'sho.

I was so tired today when I got home that I actually tried to use the car key remote to open the door to my house - I stood there pointing it at it. What a clown - glad the neighbors didn't catch it.

"Oh hey, whatcha doin'?

"Not much. Just bein' a complete tool (again)."

Silly fool - although I do think it would be a nifty idea. I hate coming home with an armload of groceries only to have to put them all down to let myself in. I think I may be onto something here.....

2009-02-05T11:28:00.001-08:00

We're having bigtime water issues here again. Not just me - the entire complex...two units have completely flooded out in the past week. "Asbestos?" "Main line in". "$100,000 to replace" blah, blah, blah.

Anyhow, this place is a joke. I've explained our entire council situation before...it's improving and there are my two friends now on board who gets things done. They take things seriously and don't lolllygag around like the other old farts (who are hard to drag out of their recliners unless they have an issue).

So in growing tired with the management company (who, as I've documented in previous posts, I like about as much as a flaming case of indigestion), I've bypassed the strata and sent an email off yesterday. I've also contacted the city (who are currently working on a huge watermain replacement in our neighborhood...I'm also suspicious that this may tie into our current problems). I've yet to receive a response from our management company, so you can imagine what my next email will be like (something that involves a lot of #@%$*@&*!'s).

What do you think?...if you were getting paid a gazillion dollars a month to manage property, would you not respond to this?:

Dear (Fuckhead):

As a concerned resident of (*insert address here*..."Shitsville" works for me) I am wondering when we can expect results from the pending water tests to our complex. As you are aware (as indicated in your email to Associate Fucktard #2 of Jan. 30/09), the water is yet to be deemed "safe" for consumption and we are currently purchasing drinking water for our families. According to your email, we cannot drink the water until it has been "tested for asbestos" which, understandably, is extremely alarming to those of us with children (most units).

Many of us have decided that the water is currently also unfit to bathe/brush our teeth in, as your report citing a status of "questionable - may contain asbetos and/or bacteria" suggests there could be serious health implications if we do. Would you put YOUR child under a shower knowing what we know (which is currently very little)?

This is creating frustration and concern amongst the residents here and we need an immediate response to this issue - we've been waiting for this testing to be done for ~~several days~~ over a week now. It's completely unacceptable to keep us in the dark and it's creating a lot of unnecessary anxiety for families, who feel you've dropped the ball here. I, personally, have fielded calls with regards to this matter (as a longtime resident whom people trust in). The only problem is, I don't have any answers - only questions, which has prompted this email. It's your job to answer them for us.

Please consider this an urgent matter and notify all residents immediately upon receipt of the test results. We need to put this matter to rest and there simply is no excuse for any further delay here.

Regards,
Me
Erin Brockovich.

As usual, it's been filed under the "woops, spilled coffee and donut crumbs on this one" pile.

I am SO sick of this BS and this has been consuming a lot of my time lately - the contractors that we've hired from our end (who are extremely nice/helpful) actually are becoming "friends". When I walked up yesterday to see what was happening (yet another leak/flood), "Bob" said "hey Deb, I'm back. What's for lunch today?". As much as I like these guys, I'll be happy when they're gone...each time I see them out there my heart sinks at the "what now?" prospect. They're trying to be helpful but I think, at this point, they should build us an ark.

Time for Deb to spring into action....where the hell's my Ninja costume?

I'll keep you posted....

EDIT: Update....the city's response was impressive/immediate. Within an hour of emailing them, I got a call back from a worker attending a conference who was on a break. Now THAT'S service.

2009-02-04T20:39:00.000-08:00

I had what I feel was a fairly successful job interview today, although I guess there's no way of knowing if it was successful until you actually get the job. It was at a sports physio clinic and the interview was conducted by the actual physiotherapist himself (like who else was I expecting?). He was a really nice guy - the atmosphere was extremely laid back and I could really see myself fitting in well there. The position is a front desk one, but it also includes some other stuff as well and I'd even be trained on some of the equipment. It sounded absolutely perfect so I've got my fingers crossed - although I'm not getting my hopes up too high because I know with the economic climate the way it is, 8,000,000 people are probably being interviewed. I don't think the young girl before me did too well...they were wrapping things up as they walked out and Mr. Physio was fairly apologetic in explaining that she might be a bit too young and they were looking for someone a bit more mature ("ahem, right heeeeere, woooohoooo"). He questioned her flexibility in scheduling and wondered if she'd be able to work around the hours (the clinic's open from 8-7, including Saturdays). I was quite surprised to see that she was wearing blue jeans...have the times changed that much? I'd never imagine wearing blue jeans to an interview for a front office position - I'd actually considered buying something new to wear as my wardrobes getting a little thin lately. But I threw together a fairly nice outfit and felt good when I saw the competition. ;)

Anyhow, there are two other receptionists in the clinic and one of them sat in on the interview...I feel like I connected with both she and Mr. Physio. It was very relaxed and the conversation was "easy"...we even joked a bit. I don't get too frazzled over interviews anymore - I've been fortunate and have had success in the past in getting pretty much every single job I've ever applied for. I was pretty confident and surprised at the lack of butterflies. I guess at this point in the game, what you see is what you get and I don't really feel like I have to impress anyone. Sometimes I feel like I'm conducting the interview....."so, why'd the last girl leave?" (I actually asked that). Anyhow, I've told myself not to get too excited over interviews because it'll just set me up for disappointment - I go in thinking "meh, whatever". I don't like rejection and haven't had to deal with it too much - could be a shock to the system. I see how Ty's been trying to get a job and aces interviews that go nowhere. It makes me more empathetic towards his situation.

But I really can see myself working in this place, so I'd appreciate you all doing a little drunken lion good luck dance for me (see demonstration below). Much appreciated.
(Sorry, lame...it won't let me link you there. Good ol' copy/paste time) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3SbgiK1Th0

2009-01-27T12:02:00.000-08:00

I have three words for today.......

Fuck this shit.

To who ever decided it would be a good idea to turn the snow back on - kiss my frozen ass. Seriously, enough already.

After spending two days at the beach in glorious sun, this snowfall today is about as welcome as a bad case of leprosy. It's ruining my flow here.

I had a dental appointment (like that's not bad enough on its own) but, after sliding Linds to school this morning, decided the car was staying put and I'd find another way to get there. I called a cab and, quite honestly, it was the best ten bucks I've spent all week.

On my walk home (yes, I was too cheap to cab both ways), I passed FOUR accidents. Understand here, it's only a couple of miles from the dentist to my place. One cute Asian couple had obviously tried to do a corner too fast and their car was planted in the middle of a huge shrub...only the ass end was visible. Nice, what do you do for an encore - jump into empty pools? The next one was at the firehall - I guess if you're gonna crash, that's a pretty good spot. Then a red van was wrapped around a pole - that one looked bad. And a guy was on the sidewalk, which isn't a great path to take either. So I chuckled to myself at my brilliant decision to not drive, then headed into 7-11 to grab a coffee for the remainder of my walk. I wondered why the store clerk (who knows me from the booth) shot me a funny glance...that was until I passed the mirrored donut display and saw my mascara streaming down my cheek. Awesome. My hair was covered in snow...there (honestly) was a snowball hanging from my bangs. What a vision that was. So I grabbed a napkin, some of the snow from my hair and washed the mascara off my face right there in the middle of 7-11. But mostly I just made a big smear of my entire face..."oh hai, does anyone want to date me? I'm available."

I then headed home, only to realize when I got here that I'd left my keys inside and was locked out.

So it's going to be one of those days, is it?

Fuck this shit.

2009-01-25T20:17:00.000-08:00

"Dear Dad:

I don't miss you.....

......AT ALL.

Chuck."

2009-01-25T12:05:00.000-08:00

I have company this week.

Chuck is here and I'm dogsitting all week as the ex had a business trip. I love this dog - he's beautiful, but I will never get another of my own...too much work. I just don't have the available time to commit a dozen or more years to an animal (although, with the job hunting going nowhere, maybe I do?). I do miss having a pet around though and Chuck is great company...I'm looking forward to this.

K forgot to leave his leash so yesterday I dug out an old purse strap that had a clip on the end. I dropped it on the floor to go do something and the next thing I knew I turned around to see Chuck standing behind me, purse strap in his mouth! He then dropped it at my feet and went to grab his ball, which he plunked down beside the "leash". How smart is this guy? (smarter than the ex, that's how smart. He wouldn't even wear his leash). I'm quite convinced that if I continue to ignore Chuck's "hints" for a walk, I'll be getting an email from him.

Anyhow, it's a gorgeous day out here so after my blueberry banana muffins are done, we're hitting the beach for some fun. (Chuck just dropped his leash at my feet again and how am I supposed to say no to THIS face?! Yeah, I know....impossible.)

Have a great day.

2009-01-23T11:36:00.001-08:00

God loves me.

I have to drive to Surrey today (now) and it's absolutely gorgeous outside.

It's been fog city here lately and when I drove out there last week, I nearly crashed. True story. At one point, I couldn't see the road AT ALL and found myself in the bike lane, about to go completely OFF road. (FTR - Ty calls me a pansy ass driver lately...I'm the brunt of his driving jokes because I don't do snow. He and the ex think I should be ejected out of Canada for that. Add fog to that list now. I did tell him a story about my "driving" that's changed his tune about me. Now he just thinks I'm a crazy lady again.)

So last Friday Ty and I headed out to Cloverdale to the track and I had to drive home at night (alone), after dropping him off along the way. It was dark and extremely foggy....at the track, we'd laughed as the horses rode off into the wall of fog, only to have the announcers stumble and stammer out their commentary....."uh, the horses are off....[pause, pause some more].....and someone's in front.....[pause, pause, pause]..." We'd see the horses finish (barely)...that's it.

On the way home I couldn't see a foot in front of me. Now, understand here, the route I take is difficult at the best of times - it's a winding riverside drive down a dark road (with few-no streetlights). At certain points, there is absolutely no shoulder on the road and, if you look down to turn the heater off, you could easily end up IN the river. A little dicey in the fog. Just when I decided to drive with my eyes closed so I could pray I'd get home, a semi pulled around the corner in front of me and guided me all the way back to the highway. "I love you mister...thank you". (I tailgated that sucker the entire way back to the highway). We were the only two vehicles on the road for the most part and it was a huge relief to have him in front of me. Those red lights on the back of his truck steered me home (if he'd have plunged in the river, I was right behind him...next in).

But today it's clear sailing. I love the sun and have missed it. This is going to be a good day, I know it.

;)

2009-01-22T13:20:00.000-08:00

I did a dumb thing yesterday. Really dumb.

For whatever reason (boredom), I went through my archives starting right from the word go here. I read through post after post and it was strange....like reading someone else's life. And then I got to the stuff about Mom. I was reluctant to go there...painfully fresh and raw. I know it's been nearly two years (it has?), but it's like it was yesterday. When you're experiencing something like that, at the time, it's a blur and there is no thing called time. It's meaningless, other than you know it'll eventually run out...as for hours or days - it doesn't matter. I don't really know why I read on, but I did. And, for a moment, it all came flooding back and swallowed me up. One line, in particular, hit me like a sledgehammer over the head. It stopped me in my tracks like I'd hit a wall and it put me right back there. But I was more observant this time...clued in. Experiencing it instead of the numbness that kept it at bay. It was overwhelming.

For the most part, I'm ok - I don't dwell or get caught up in sadness. I like to smile, laugh, talk about and remember my Mom as she was - a happy person who loved life. That's what we were all about. The other person in that bed wasn't Mom. And it's a knife in the heart memory so I generally choose to forget that part. But something compelled me to read on, to relive it. Maybe it was part of processing it all so that I can keep moving forward. One foot in front of the other. It hurt like hell.

That one line stuck with me all day. That one image. There's something in brain cancer that's extraordinarily cruel. Aside from the torturous pain it causes, it messes people up. And if you're not really aware of how this manifests itself, it can be awfully disturbing. For a family watching their loved one battle this demon, it's horrific, shocking and confusing as hell. Like the end of a nightmare when you're first waking up and halfway into reality, but still stuck in the bad dream. Trying to figure out if it's real or not - only in that instance, you get the relief that it's not.

At the time, I didn't understand Mom's hostility...she'd always been a fighter and I thought she was being terribly difficult at times. And I fought back....tried to get her to "smarten up" and see how unreasonable she was being. We're both feisty and, although we were not only mother/daughter but also the best of friends, that didn't mean we couldn't lock horns. So I did at times, unbeknownst to me that she was incapable of controlling it - she wasn't speaking/acting like this, the lump in her head was. But I was in there at the time, toe to toe, trying to reason with her. Ha, how do you "reason" with something that's the equivalent of a hacked computer harddrive? She wasn't controlling things, her brain had been invaded and was now acting on its own.

I only wrestle with the wish that, at the time, I would've been armed with the knowledge and awareness that I now have of what was happening. I was completely caught up in the throes of it all and trying to make sense of something impossible to understand. I know, hindsight makes it easier to look back and do the would've/could've thing. I try and keep it in perspective, but there's definitely some sadness in how incapable I was of truly stepping away from the position of trying to steer Mom back onto the tracks to focus more on just being there for her. We were already derailed and in a deep dark forest by that point...only thing to do was just brace ourselves and hang onto each other. But I was still fighting to keep it all together.

".....her gritted teeth...." I remember now. It was horrific - she was SO hostile and violent at that point. It caught me off guard...floored me. Swearing (she hated the "F" word). Throwing things. Gritting her teeth and clenching her fists. Honestly, it was like Linda Blair's Exorcist performance. That scary.

And now all I can do is think of how utterly horrific that must've been for her if she was tuned in to it all. For a long time, Mom had said she felt "different" - that she wasn't "herself". She'd say there was something wrong in her head (and yes, there was - she'd had an aneurysm/stroke many years before. I always attributed it to that). But I wonder if she had an awareness of this beast as it was taking her over at the time and, near the end, if the clenched teeth and fists were her trying to fight it? I hope she was oblivious to it all and the words just poured out without any resistance. That there was no inner struggle like that of a split personality trying to figure out which one could reveal itself at any given time. I don't know that this makes sense...I just have this gnawing, unanswered/unresolved question about whether or not she was trying to ward it off as it was happening. If it caused her distress or if she was completely out of tune with what she was doing. I so hope that she was.

I picture her like that and I cry. I wish I understood it THEN. I would've simply held her hand and reassured her instead of challenging her on the words that she was growling. I was trying to put puzzle pieces together in a pool. I guess the question I'm wrestling with was did SHE know? Did she feel alone? Confused and disoriented? Scared? Or was she unaware and just going through the motions. God I hope so. Man, it's rough.

There, a tear and it's done for now. Put away in that safe little box in my mind that says "do not open". This isn't really a should've/could've/would've thing. Well maybe it is, but I really don't carry guilt, just sadness. I accept that I did what I could with what little I had. Which wasn't much.

Brain cancer has got to be one of the most disturbing ways anyone could ever die and I guess it's normal that I'll have moments like this. I don't want to remember that Mom.

For the record, I also found some pretty humorous posts in there as well (did I really write them? They're kinda good). Funny how sarcasm and dry humor can mask complete devastation and turmoil.

I stopped partway through reading and shut things down because, at that point, I realized that I was just torturing myself unnecessarily. I didn't have to do what I was doing. That there's no turning back the hands on the clock or redoing things and everything I did was out of nothing but absolute love for my Mother. That's what matters most.

Just thought I'd share this, for selfish reasons. Not a sunny post, but it's who I am at the moment. It's temporary...I know that. A workout is in order and I fully expect that to work like an Advil on a headache. What headache?

You know I go along for the most part being chipper, silly, nutty, having fun and then whammo. I take a wrong turn and end up here. I don't like feeling sad...I'm out of my element when I do. It's uncomfortable to me.

I always feel better when I talk to you. Life's a journey, isn't it?

2009-01-21T12:38:00.000-08:00

I didn't do the whole "Obama" thing because I figured I'd be the one person in the world who didn't. Awesome, but we'll see.

I'm going for a (much needed) makeover/hair thing now. Two hours worth. Initially, I booked it with the job interview process in mind but, since there's nothing happening there, I guess it's just for me. ;)

(I still can't grasp the $150 for a hairdo bit though)

2009-01-20T13:10:00.000-08:00

A little lol (to myself) when I saw the song that's appeared on my FM playlist over there >>>>>>

What? HUH? Oh yeah, I remember now.....I made a CD for my brother. I really do hate that song, really.

Anyhow, just caught it.

SO tired - too tired to post (see below). Back later....going to pick up Linds, then it's a crapshoot (I never was a good afternoon napper. Hate wasting daylight).

2009-01-20T04:36:00.000-08:00

Tonight's (this morning's?) a bit of a knot in the stomach affair. Yes, it's 4:36 am and I still haven't slept. Actually, I haven't slept much in 3 nights and it's a real uneasiness I'm feeling.

Ty's not here - he's back out in Surrey for the week. I miss my man in the house when he's not here. It's too quiet - he's boisterous and a night owl (like me).

We've been having ongoing problems with break ins/thefts, etc. (that I touched on in the "Ed" post). It's been going on quite awhile and has recently started again and seems to be escalating - now it's cars in the parking lot and our carports. On Saturday night a Lexus SUV two doors over from my place was hit. Broken driver's side window, stuff stolen. Nearly every car's been hit except mine (both of them). The Volvo light was on a few weeks ago, despite the fact that I hadn't been in it since before the snowfall. My neighbor brought it to my attention and I found it strange, but didn't really connect it to a break in. Don't know what I thought really.

So my neighbor, Caesar, warned me to be on alert the other day. We're a good team at this end (remember?) and I was pleasantly reassured when I heard voices at 2:30 or so the other morning and looked out the deck to see Caesar and Martin "patrolling" out there. They know I keep a look out too - we had a wave and I went back in.

Tonight I watched a late movie and when it was done, I heard something outside. The cars are out back and I looked there first. Nothing - no one around. And then I went to the front window and was surprised to see 3 guys out front, walking by with objects in their hands! Looked at first like toy swords or something. But as they got further away, I wasn't sure - it looked like maybe one had a tire iron and a club or stick. I watched to make sure they didn't head down our path and, as I peeked out the window, one of them turned back and may've spotted me. I wondered if they were heading to the end of the complex (and around the corner/in) or if they'd just keep going, but didn't want to let them know I was watching so sat in the dark.

So here I am, still sitting up in the dark. I considered calling the cops - but they rarely even show for these calls. My neighbor (a Vancouver cop) had just left for his 4 am shift before this. Maybe they case the place and wait for him to leave?

Very unnerving, to say the least. It's not just the fact that my new vehicle's out there, it's also very unsettling to think of someone poking around your place in the wee hours (with bad intentions). I don't keep anything in my vehicle - so unless they want to steal it, there's not much to see. But I just am creeped out by the thought that there could be someone out there.

Something that always factors in and comes back to haunt me was a terrifying situation years ago. When I was still with the ex, he was a Senior Shop Steward at work and was in negotiations that were long and drawn out. He worked hard to get things settled but, as things go, not everyone was happy. One guy, in particular, who had an unstable emotional state, was really angry about the deal. He'd been suspended more than once for outbursts and was bordering on being fired for behavioral issues. He started harassing the ex and, when he was ineffective at rattling him at work, started calling here in the middle of the night (when the ex was on graveyards). Threatening, crank type calls. Said he'd burn the house down, etc. (he was the kind of guy you took seriously). We quickly changed/unlisted the number but I'm once again listed (no address) under my married name, with the phone number. And K's just undergone some more stuff at work that's caused resentment towards him (it comes with the job...can't please all the people stuff). More threats and his vehicle's been broken into (and stolen on one occasion) - twice since Christmas. So that stuff always lingers in the back of my mind and adds to any uneasiness I'm feeling in the middle of the night. I know it's probably nothing to worry about, but still do.

It's not about me anymore. Or my stuff. But my daughter's up there and that's why I sit up at night, with my stupid 10 pin bowling pin and a wooden club right beside me. So far, so good...but every bump in the night jars me and I curl back into a ball of anxiety.

Some nights I feel very alone. Tonight would be one of them.

We Are All Canucks Unemployed

2009-01-16T10:12:00.000-08:00

Dear(est) Deb:

While I do understand that your life has no particular order at the moment, wearing PJ's out of the house and as clothing is just not acceptable. Sure, it feels great and is "comfy", but getting dressed just isn't that much of a chore, is it? If it is, you're in deep trouble - quit life now. Because, when you go to get gas and the Petro Can guy starts critiquing your outfit because he looks better (in his red/black jumpsuit) than you do, it's time to address the issue.

Also, although you're finding it nice to have extra time on your hands that allows you to create wonderful meals, using every dish in the house until the kids are scrounging around looking for plastic Safeway soup spoons and dog bowls to eat with also isn't good. And please consider tearing yourself away from the important, life saving work that you do on the computer to actually sit at a table and enjoy a proper meal with utensils. It'll be o.k. They'll be o.k.

( Note to Deb: coffee and turtles DO NOT qualify as a meal.)

No, your new job is not poker and you cannot join the WPT (like you'd planned). You're good, but you're not that good. So quit justifying the time spent with people named boobzrhaWt and weedman08 as practice time or time well spent - they're losers (like you). And, although you claim that when you stay up late to watch Poker After Dark (twice) it's "research", it's actually getting light out by the second edition so you might want to reassess that. I understand that you do win the online freerolls when you play, but it works out to 3 cents an hour. C'mon. You're better than that.

In closing, I also understand that you now have a "pet" crow (or two) that sit outside your window and wait to be fed by you. And that you have, from time to time, been known to "talk" to them like they are your friends. Crazy people do that. Stop it.

I'm pulling for you Deb. Now go put on two odd socks and face the world.

Sincerely,
Someone who cares.

The job hunting sucks...haven't heard a bloody word. Maybe I'm impatient (I only put out my Resumes last week), but I don't do well without structure. AT ALL. Days melt into nights and yesterday I realized that I was just finishing my start the day coffee at 5:00. It was already dark outside - I think I may need to change the new morning routine.

After the past few years of chaos, I really did need "a break" (somewhere tropical might've been nice) and it is nice to slow the pace down. But if there's one thing I understand about myself it's that I'm only successful when I've got a full "To Do" list and things are scheduled...when that stops, so do I. ADDHD and every other D you can throw in there applies. Scattered, unfocused and unproductive. When my day is free, so is my mind and, oh boy, that's a treat - "look at the pretty buttterflies" (-3 hours). My "just checking something on the internet" turns into a half day deal and don't even get me started if I go out with my camera in my hand....I think seasons change while I'm out there.

So, I'm getting worried. No news is bad news and I need to find employment NOW. The couple of options that are sure fire things aren't really what I'm looking for, but I might be forced to fill some gaps with them. I'm fighting hard against it but, as time goes on, it's no longer about "choices", it's all about necessity.

Perhaps my Canucks can hire me to boot camp them into playing better before they end up unemployed and in PJ's like me? Excuse me while I go ponder the thought of athletes in their skivvies for awhile....

2009-01-14T10:07:00.001-08:00

Boy oh boy time flies, doesn't it?

Are we really midway through January already? Better get going on my resolutions (again).

I've been really busy following up on job leads. I have one that has really tweaked my interest and I was contacted by someone, which leads me to believe they're also interested. It sort of ties in my many years as a secretary with my love of/training in fitness. I'm extremely excited at the prospect, but am also well aware of the fact that, with the current state of the economy, each job posting comes with a kazillion applicants. Fingers crossed.

"GO #14"

I've also been a good hockey aunt lately, taking in some of my nephew's games....the time flies things applies here as well. These "kids" are no longer little scamps scooting around the ice looking to grab the puck - they've developed into real hockey players. I was wow'd by how much they've progressed, even since last year. Brandon's team won (6-0) and he scored on a beautiful, back hander...but apparently the report (from parents who expect too much?) - it wasn't a "great" game. I beg to differ.

Brandon was recently selected for a team that travelled down to the US to play a tourney over New Year's....there were teams from as far away as Russia competing. That quickly put things into perspective, as they got their butts handed to them. It was a good learning experience, as they realized how difficult it is to actually complete and be successful at a higher level. Some of these kids "train" for hours each day, so it doesn't come easily...there's a lot of hard work involved. Motivational indeed.

We won't talk about MY hockey team - you know, the one that currently needs resuscitation...Captain Lu can't come back quickly enough. Last night our goaltender looked like he forgot to wear his contacts and put us in a huge hole...despite a valiant third period effort, it was a case of too little too late (again). I actually paid for the game last night. I can't afford to waste money like that.

Anyhow, the snow's finally melted here and it's time to get back to biking/walking outdoors. I get stir crazy when I'm cooped up inside so it's a welcome relief to see some blue sky today. With that, I'd better go make the most of it (as I see some clouds moving in to crash my party).

Take care and be back soon.

2009-01-04T13:03:00.001-08:00

Some people are just flat out donkeys.

They can't be taught, reminded, fixed or saved. They're asses and totally oblivious as they go about their business, usually pissing off everyone around them. They think they're awesome.

That would be the case with my neighbour, Ed.
Oh wait, wrong Ed...although I do see some likeness here.

Without going into too much detail, he's the reason I got on our strata council. I didn't trust that he could do the job, he'd proven he couldn't. He needs babysitting and, not only is he a fathead, but he's a sly, conniving, lying jerk too. (They're the worst kind.)

He's about 60 and lives with his (really homely) wife. The picture (above) isn't a far stretch. She's also a total bitch. I think she's a spindly old school teacher - that or a cranky librarian. Not that it really matters, but when you're douchebags, it doesn't help that you have buck teeth and are ugly. Ugly is o.k. with me, just compensate for it with niceness. Try harder. If the attitude matches the ugly, then you've failed (miserably).

Anyhow, way, way back (when I first got my Volvo), Ed announced that he belonged to the "Volvo club" (he had two of them). And, when I began experiencing problems with my car, he offered to "go under my hood". He was creepy though and I suspected that he was referring to more than just my car, so I politely declined his offer.

Ed copped an attitude with me after that. And, because he was on council, he used that position to send me messages. When my mother was dying, he harassed me because I refused to let contractors in (unannounced) on a Sunday at 5 p.m. I was heading to the hospice at the time. He questioned my "priorities" at that point (what a goof)...it was fun watching him pry his fat foot out of his mouth when I matter of factly said "my dying mother is my priority Ed. Get over it". I probably should've added "loser", but I didn't. Things got ugly between us and, at one point, I threatened to get a lawyer on his ass if he didn't start playing by the rules. He backed off (somewhat) for a time.

Before things began to really boil over, little Ed and his man wife were kept in line by my two friends next door. They were also on council, one of them the longstanding President. At the time, whenever Ed would start to act up, they'd slap him upside the head and tell him to back to his corner. They were my best friends in the complex - we'd shared a front porch for 15 years and they were beautiful people. Ed was scared of them...two, 300 pound 70 year old lesbians who swore like truckers and had served in the Air Force. They carried around field hockey sticks and if there was a disturbance outside, they were quick to get out there and investigate. They were fearless and Ed didn't mess with them (or me, when they were around). He sheepishly behaved. It was always fun to watch him grovelling around them, tail between his legs. But, when they passed away, Ed and his groggy old friends took over and started to run things according to what worked for them. It quickly grew out of control...the manpower was too much and they were giddy with it.

Anyhow, over the years, Ed's cronies have slowly died or moved away, making room for a kinder, more gentler council. The old gentleman's club that used to run things by overruling majority votes based on nothing more than "we didn't like the results", are slowly fizzling out. Ed's one of the last remaining idiots on board.

The new people are great...mostly they're from my end of the complex (the "good" end). We all work together to make it a real "community" in here, at least at this end. The other side still pretty much sucks. Stuck up busy bodies who care only about themselves. It's like two different worlds - the easy going, laid backers vs the prisspots. I've mentioned this in previous posts and things have not changed.

So here's the deal with this post...Ed is at the other end of the complex (thank God) and usually parks out front of his place on the road, around the corner from us. We do have a shared parking area out back, which is divided into two sections - one section for this building, the other for Ed and the stiffs. During the recent snowstorms, the people at this end have all shared the snow shoveling duties and have taken turns clearing each other's walkways, the sidewalks and the parking area. It's all clear down here.

Now, I'll give you one guess what Ed's end looks like?

Yep, total shit.

I think there may actually be polar bears down living there at this point. They've done NO shoveling down there, opting instead to let the drifts pile up and taking the big risk that no one breaks their neck or crashes into the building. When I drive out of the lot, it's clear sailing until I hit the speedbumps at that end, at which point I do a sideways slide out into the road. Cool the first couple of times, but enough already. It's a mess and they don't care down there. It's work and unless someone coughs up some money to hire someone, they'll just pretend the snow's not there. Apparently they're above shovelling.

So today when I looked out into the parking lot as I was pouring my coffee I couldn't believe what I saw. No fucking way. Did he really have kahonas THAT BIG?!?!

There it was, in broad daylight for all to see......

ED'S CAR...

snuggled into one of our clear spots!!!

One that we've gone out there, every single day, to shovel for our families/guests. Bad backs and all. So that he could weasel his way in there!

Let me see if I've got this straight....he's let the snow pile up so much in front of his place that he can no longer get to the curb to park. So he's driven in, all the way to this end - past all the snowy spots in his parking area to take one of our spots. One of the ones I cleared FOR MY DAD TO PARK IN when he comes!! Holy fuck, it's on now.

Now perhaps this is too much for his little peabrain to grasp, but these spots are clear because we worked HARD for weeks to keep them this way. We braved the freezing cold and got soaked to the bone after work, busting our asses out there so that WE could park there. While he sat his plump little ass in an easy chair, staring out the window at us as WE SHOVELED TO BEAT SHIT, he thought we were doing it FOR HIM?! Seriously? He's that stupid?

Newsflash Ed: WE DIDN'T DO IT FOR YOU. YOU LAZY DICK. GTFO.

I have a good mind to go out there and shovel a big mountain of snow right behind his back wheels. Anyone got a spike belt handy? Seriously.

You have to understand a little more about Ed's thinking to see why this is a problem. Why people get rattled when Ed doesn't think. His "contributions" here and how he acts as a member of our little community. Why most people want to stab him with a fork.

When we were having problems with thieves in the area who were entering the property and stealing bikes, etc. the past few summers, Ed was the guy who reported "seeing" them from his window. "Not my problem". Didn't go out there and question or confront them. Call the authorities to report them. He just WATCHED as they headed down to this end and stole things from our carports. Awesome. My friend Caesar and I challenged him on this admission..."you WATCHED? WTF?!?!" Way to take one for the team, neighbour. Good thing you've got our backs. *insert eye roll here*

But that's how Ed thinks. If it's not bothering him, then why bother? It's not a bother.

Ed's not real popular around here. He brown noses, slithers and slimes his way through life. When he started to recognize the shift in power on council that was happening, he also started wandering down to this end to "socialize" with the newcomers on council around that time. He never gave them the time of day before - just when they became council members. He's swarmy like that.

I'm sitting here thinking that I should probably just let this stuff go - that it's not a big deal and it's hard on the blood pressure. But it's Ed's car in my guest spot, so I can't help feeling like I want to blow it up. And I might.

To be cont'd.....

2008-12-31T11:41:00.000-08:00

I'm officially "unemployed". Woot. (Or not)

Anyone wanna hire a middle aged, bad backed, somewhat neurotic, immature woman with a heel spur who once wore two different colored shoes to work? Didn't think so. Damn.

(To be continued)

2008-12-30T10:45:00.000-08:00

We're wimps out here on the West Coast. Although we generally get defensive and somewhat offended when people refer to this neck of the woods as "The Wet Coast", we'd welcome that right about now. This has been the worst dose of winter that I can remember in my lifetime.
When it snows here, we act all Miami and are aghast at the sight of falling snow...it may as well be pixie dust. Despite the fact that people in other parts of the world think we live in igloos and snowshoe to work, we're actually very inexperienced snow people. Every conversation on every street corner is weather related and we all turn into meteorologists. We're captivated and terrified, all at the same time. The snow immobilizes us and, in this household, we're damn near down to stale bread and water. Really cold water. Again, despite all the misconceptions, we don't know how to trap our dinner. Which means, at some point, I'll have to venture out to Safeway. Pray for my safe return (the last expedition didn't go so well).

This isn't your average snowfall here - we're lucky if we get a big dump of it and then it's gone before you really get acquainted with your snowman. But not this year - this year it's brought parts of the city to a standstill and it's piling up at the foot of driveways and forcing cars to park in the middle of the road, as there are no longer curbs. Our drivers cannot parallel park at the best of times, THIS is a complete disaster. It looks like people have just abandoned their cars in an "aw shit, I've had enough" moment and opted to skate home. I'm quite sure the boxing day shoppers, with their dogged determination, must have rented bobcats to get to the mall. They're a special bunch, aren't they? If we're ever attacked, I'm throwing them out there on the front lines and telling them there's a 75% sale on.

Anyhow, the weather forecast keeps making false promises of warming trends and rain but, according to the mini blizzard that rolled through for 7 minutes yesterday, it's a crapshoot. How far is it to Hawaii and is there a bus that goes there?

This morning I got up to make coffee and when I looked out the kitchen window a duck landed in the parking lot beside my car. A duck?! Mother nature's confusing the hell out of the wildlife...either that or the word is out in the bird world "hey, head over to this address...she throws food out the window for us". (Yes, I do. Bylaws schmylaws).

I do have two crows who show up each morning and peek in through the window at me until I give them some tidbits. I swear one of them was knocking the other morning. This week they've had the all you can eat buffet, consisting of turkey skin, potatoes, corn and even some shortbread for dessert. Today there were crows, seagulls and a duck out there lined up like it's the feathered friends soup kitchen. I did notice that, although the seagulls usually overrule and eat everything in sight, they gave the duck his space. The visiting duck was shown some hospitality by the locals. The crows - not so lucky...it's a bird eat bread world and they've gotta learn to get in there and fight. Elbows out (they don't have elbows, do they?). Maybe they could take a lesson or two from the boxing day shoppers.

Bring on spring now. Please.

(I had photos I'd taken, but Blogger's frozen and won't let me post them...will do so later)

2008-12-24T21:17:00.000-08:00

Hey, anybody there?

If there is someone, I'm thankful that you've hung in here and haven't abandoned this place.

I apologize for the neglect....I'm really burning the candle at every end right now as the job nears an end and the snow has the schedule turned upside down.

We've never seen so much snow here - I was born and raised in this city and it's never been like this. I mean, we've had huge dumps, but then it rains and it's done. This is different - it's never ending. It snows, then snows some more. I actually had to shovel my balcony today for fear that it would collapse! I was knee deep in snow, with ice on the bottom. And I'm a big ass wimp driver - my new (4WD) SUV's been parked in the driveway for a week. I'm the laugh of the neighborhood...."we can get out of here in our Civic...what's your problem???"

All is well - we had a wonderful evening at Dad's last night. It was small and intimate - just the way I like it. Dad whipped up a whole bunch of appies/salads and I took a casserole over and we just were really laid back/low key. We had Christmas music on and just sat around, enjoying each others' company. My brother's sobriety is huge to me - it just makes everything "right". He and Linds are the life of the party - a couple of clowns who keep us all chuckling. The annual Santa Clause parade was the highlight of the night...it usually passes right by Dad's place. As a matter of fact, in years gone by the entire parade has stopped while the participants came in for a quick "nip" before carrying on. We weren't sure if it was going to happen this year - "Santa" (an old family friend) passed away and, with the snow, we just didn't know. But come 6 o'clock, we noticed the flashing police lights down the street and, low and behold, it was business as usual. They had changed the route though, which meant Linds, Jesse and I had to run (slide) down several streets until we caught up! Linds took some great pics - I'll post them later.

Anyhow, things are good - I'm just enjoying the (overwhelming) gift from my brother - a big ass, flat screen TV! We got a laugh at one point - he told me to stand by the TV box so he could take a pic and, after we'd done so, I said "OK, now you hold up the socks I bought you so I can get one too!" (I did get him some other goodies, but it was good for a laugh/photo op).

So I hope you are well. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and send love/best wishes to each and every one of you. I bought cards but never mailed them (that's me). I never did make it to the post office...I even had some little gifts for my friends here but.....

One day it'll stop snowing and I'll actually rejoin the human race. But, for now, I'm sitting here, glass of wine in hand as I stare out at the beautiful winter scene thinking of you guys (with love).

Merry Christmas

xo

Things That Make You Go Awwww

2008-12-12T09:06:00.000-08:00

Here's the feel good clip of the day . Enjoy!

Tis The Season To Piss Right Off

2008-12-11T22:29:00.000-08:00

I'm having a real hard time with this Christmas thing. REALLY hard. I just don't want to do it. I'm usually the one bubbling over with Christmas spirit, driving everyone nuts with Oh Holy Night and far too much enthusiasm. But it's gone. I've tried, but it's just not there...I have to force this and it's a fucking rat race nightmare piece of shit. There, that feels better.

Tonight, as I sit in front of my computer listening to Matthew Good (right now it's "99% Of Us Is Failure"), I glance over at a picture I have here on the wall of my Mom and it hits me (again). The tears, the headache, the aching sorrow that comes with the realization that it's really true. I'm never going to see her again. Ever. Christmas is over kids. I hate it.

Yet through this picture, she's right here. My beautiful Mom, sitting on the handydart bus with all the other strokers as they toured around, looking at lights. A goofy picture...the guy beside her is smiling like there's no tomorrow. I wonder why Dad and I weren't there with her? She looks so alone, so out of place...but making the best of it like she always did. She was a trooper...she loved life. Fun. Laughter. Lights. Christmas. Music. Jokes. People. And now I want to shut it all the fuck off. (Yeeha, bet you're glad you showed up?).

Life wasn't kind to her. She worked hard her whole life and was hit by a debilitating stroke when she was my age. Then brain cancer. But there she is in the picture, smiling her cute little smile....just along for the ride.

It was two years ago that we took her to the palliative ward knowing, full well, that she wouldn't return home again. But I never really believed it. I'd always been able to fix things up. Dad and I could do it - will her back home.

She suffered a great deal and that's the part that really kills. Although I mostly just think of the happiness...sometimes the awful sound of her moans as they moved her come creeping back in and gnaw at my heart.

Somehow I think that I'll always associate this time of year with the horrible memory of my Mom going away to die. That some of the sadness and devastation that I felt that day as I sat on the floor under an unlit tree and listened to Matt's House Of Smoke and Mirrors over and over will always claw away at me and remind me not to be too happy.

I'm a mother, so I'm thankful for what I do have in life and I keep it in perspective. I mean, it's about my kids and they're reason enough to be happy. And Mothers die. But whoever said time heals all wounds was an insensitive numbnuts....not this kind of wound....it just festers and every once in a while it boils over into an ugly mess. All it takes is a song and a glance at a picture.

My Dad is a hero. He does everything for the kids and I and is there, unconditionally. Always, without fail. We're his entire world and there's nothing he wouldn't do for us. But I'm learning that he just doesn't listen. He fixes things, but he's not a good listener. Mom and I had such a bond and she'd make me laugh. She'd listen, and make me laugh by saying something ridiculously true. When I had doubts and uncertainties, as I do now, she'd just reassure me that I was strong and I'd be o.k. She wouldn't fix things, but she let me know that I could.

"I've fallen asleeeeee-eeeep again
and when I waaaaa-aaaake up you won't be here"

I'll be o.k. Maybe.

Oh yeah, then I'm unemployed.

(Edit: I'll be over this guys. It's been a really stressful day - work, search for work, rushed to p/u Linds to arrive early for a doctor's appointment that they took us in for 20 minutes late. Which made us late for Linds' dentist appointment immediately afterward. Then had to take the car in. Get a tree. A way too big fucking tree that barely fit in the rig. Then had Ty call when I barely had my coat off, to tell me of his awful day. It's one of those days. Is it a full moon? I think it is. Anyhow, I apologize for such a downer post at this festive time. But I'm me/honest and can only post from the heart. You think this is bad, you should see me when I PMS. Oh, and here's the picture and the song that really started it all tonight)
House Of Smoke And Mirrors

(Oh and sorry for all the swearing. It feels good. And I just watched the last Trailer Park Boys ever so, apparently, I am one now)

They sure know how to have fun in Winnipeg

2008-11-29T14:58:00.000-08:00

This is old news, but new to me. If there was ever incentive to take the bus, this is it. Best bus ride ever.

2008-11-26T16:27:00.000-08:00

Linds and Ty turn me onto most new music that I hear/like. I went without FM radio for years when I drove the Volvo. In the new rig, I have FM and, let me tell you, I've learned I wasn't missing much. G & R has a NEW album? How the hell did THAT happen? FTR - I love G & R. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it's true. Not all of it or in a "I listen to it every day" kind of way, but I still listen to Estranged at least once a week, workout to Coma and will probably give Chinese Democracy a run through. Do you still want to know me?

I also know, instantly, if I love or hate music. There's no in the middle, "it'll grow on me" crap with me.
So Linds got the new Killers CD (her teacher left school and went and picked it up for her - how cool is that?)...she reported that I'd hate it. "It's 80's music Mom - you hated the 80's, remember?". Yes, I did in fact (for the most part). But I rather liked this CD and one song has really stuck with me.....I'm going to try and put the video up but it seems that YouTube's being an ass again. It's "Kick YouTube" day today, did you hear? Not to make light of the recent KAGD that had some kids beat up for no reason at all but, seriously, I want to post videos. Anyhow, my kid's a (fake) ginger - so I think it's stupid and am officially changing that day to kick a telephone pole with flip flops on.

Anyhow, I have Goodnight, Travel Well on repeat and that's the gist of this post. And, as I usually do, I'll play it for 18 days straight until I can no longer bear to hear it anymore.

2008-11-25T19:43:00.000-08:00

I don’t watch Wheel of Fortune anymore
I don’t go to garage sales
I haven’t watched a tennis match without you
I hate curling again
I had no one to phone when the WF was on
And when the Canucks beat the Flames, the Wild and the Red Wings (again)
I forget all the jokes and card tricks you showed me
Holidays aren't special anymore
Dad’s digging up MORE of the yard
There are few family poker games now
I wish I could hear those damn annoying “know who used to live here?” stories that I heard 8 million times just one more time
Everytime I see something pretty that lights up I think of you
I keep hearing your favorite songs. I’ve never heard Red River Valley or Wabash Cannonball anywhere before in my entire life...why (the fuck) now?
I’m dreading Christmas (without you)
I miss you

XO

2008-11-16T22:49:00.000-08:00

Hey, hi. Sorry?

Never here, despite my repeated promises that I will be. Not that it's a life shattering thing for anyone when I'm not - just that I don't like to neglect my friends. But, somehow, I still do.

I'm flitting around, doing my thing. Lots of sports this time of year. On hockey forums. Football. Banned from one. (How was I supposed to know you can't say F*#@'n douchebag?) Geez.

I have not been out for a ride for ages....miss that too. I really don't know what I do with my time, just know that lately it flies by. Too fast...I feel like my life's passing me by and....nothing. Like it's almost Christmas? Is it really? How did that happen?....I was just getting into my summer groove.

I guess this is what happens when you get older. You just wait for time to stop moving so quickly. To stop moving. But, when it does, it's over.

Too deep.

I have a sweet friend at work who I've known since I started. She comes in every day - her son first, then her. They do breakfast and then come over to buy (a lot) of lottery tickets afterward. I really like them - they're down to earth, good people.

I always knew they'd had a rough past - not exactly sure...just knew it had something to do with a drunk driver - they'd mentioned it in passing. But I don't pry...our conversations have been very superficial and breezy...the "hi, how ya doin'?" type.

But Friday, as Millie and I stood there talking, I noticed that she shuddered as a siren screamed past. And she opened up to me, for the first time since I've known her. It's greatly affected me and I can't get her words out of my head:

"I hate that sound. It takes me right back there" she started. "My husband was killed by a drunk driver. I was left, on my own, to raise 4 boys. So I moved out here from Alberta and started over, on my own."

I remember her telling me that she used to live by my Dad's place. I always wondered if I'd known them when I was young and just didn't remember.

"One night my twin boys came in after dinner and asked if they could go down to the river....stay out an extra hour because it was their friend's birthday. It was getting dark, but I said o.k. I was looking out the window, doing the supper dishes when I had a sinking feeling that something was wrong. I thought about my boys and wanted to go out and look for them, but shrugged it off. "Aw Millie", I thought. "Don't be silly, they're fine.". But they weren't. A short time later, I heard sirens" she paused.

"It was my boys."

She put her head down and I put my hand on hers on the counter. What do you say to someone? "I'm so sorry Millie". There are no words.

Her two twelve year old sons - killed. The sirens kept coming she said. But they were already dead...just like their father a short time before them. Her husband and then her sons. Another drunk driver...how does that happen to one family? It was a woman who lived in their complex. She had to face her after that.

Millie's a tough little gal, but she teared up as she told me. So did I. And then she shifted gears, back into small talk and she left. But a piece of her stayed with me.

I'll NEVER feel sorry for myself again. Leaky pipes? Whatever. Place that's falling apart? It's nothin'. Some people have endured more pain than is survivable. Is that even a word? If not, it is now. For Millie.

"You're a strong woman Millie. Stronger than I'll ever be".

The glass is half full my friends. If Millie's is, ours is too.
I'm out there, just flitting around, trying to put the pieces of this life together.

2008-11-03T18:57:00.000-08:00

There is something going on in the apartments across the street - loads of firetrucks/emergency vehicles over there. Is it wrong that I immediately grabbed my camera and ran out to the sidewalk in my socks to take pics? Don't answer that...yes, there is something wrong with it. Anyhow, if it was anything serious and my help was needed, I'd put the camera down. Damn, now my socks are wet.

Maybe they just follow me home now and prepare for my mishaps...."Oh...uh, she's inside and she's handling electrical stuff again. Brace and be ready!" (Glad to know they're nearby in case I explode again.)

So it was the Mum in law's birthday today and I took her out for lunch before work. We sat next to a fellow with an accent (Mum thought it was an English accent like hers - turns out he was from South Africa). She gets overly excited when she meets someone from "home" and immediately starts pointing out words that they say differently (correctly, according to her). It was cute though...she's been widowed for some time and to see her get all giddy was quite amusing. He was a really nice chap, a retired biochemist - we talked to him (and his son) for an hour or so. Mum was flirting and I could see that she didn't like that he was giving me most of the eye contact/attention. I think he recognized me as he's bought tickets at my booth before...but I let her think it was because I'm younger/prettier. Birthday or not, I've gotta keep my edge.

One thing she and I have in common is our inability to "move on"...we're both stuck and on our own. I can really relate to her and she's become a very good friend whom I respect. Who woulda thunk?...she used to hate me. Now I think she understands me (and the fact that I was an innocent victim in the marriage to her son). He thinks I've corrupted her - pretty sure he's right. But it's funny how the same problems that I had with him are ones that she's now experiencing with him as a son. His moodiness, lack of communication, inability to commit to anything, etc. Of course, there was more to it with us - but it's nice to know that she finally "gets" me. How things have come full circle...now she gripes to ME about what he's like and I just say "I told ya so". Anyhow, we giggled afterward at how we seem to draw male attention even though we're not at all looking for it....something in not trying/caring I think.

Well, nothing much to report here...just feel that I should check in more often and not let this place die. I feel a little more inspired lately and my lazy fingers have found the will to type again. I leave you with Lindsay's creation...her pumpkin (completely done freehand and without a stencil or any copying. I think it rocks). Oh yeah, and when I told her about the man and his son, it turns out that she knows him (the son that is). "Was he wearing a Batman ring?". Figures - is there anyone in the city she doesn't know?

2008-11-02T12:33:00.000-08:00

Just for fun I electrocuted myself on Friday night. Yeeha, what a blast (I go that extra mile for Hallowe'en). Damn old garage sale lamp...knew I should've gotten rid of it ages ago (the sucker's gone now). Linds was asleep on the couch and it woke her up...apparently, she thought it was gunfire!!! I'm o.k....takes more than a few thousand volts to take me down (just ask the ex). My hand was completely black but, for whatever reason, I feel no pain - just numbness.

Cross off another of the nine lives....I think that leaves 6.

So last week was hell - I worked an average of 9 hours/day, then came home to dogsit. The dogsitting part was fun, but still demanding of my time which explains why my house looks like a bomb went off. Where did the couch go? For most people, 9 hours/day isn't a big deal but when you don't get any breaks it makes for a long day. I'm pooped - mostly mentally.

The sun's shining today so I'm going to re-energize with a big bike ride because jolting myself just didn't get the job done. Will be back later (with pics).

For now, these are pictures I took (months apart) of a swan family on my ride...when I took the second batch I didn't realize at first that it was the same brood, now grown....my, how time flies.

(Click on images to make them bigger...they're MUCH better that way)

Remember these guys?

....well here's the ~~Partridge~~ happy family just two and a half months later)

See how much they've grown? (Just a chip off the ol' block)
"O.K.....yoga time now kids"......

Then these guys showed up and tried to get in on the fun....

But Mama quickly decides they're getting just a little too close for comfort, so she springs into action....
"Go on, get outta here....."
"and don't come back, ya hear?!?!" (*makes raspberry sounds*)

(and then the kid acts all "tough guy" and copies Mom)...."you heard her, now SCAT!!!"

Up close and personal.....SO cute.

Every family's got one - you know...the kid who craves attention( and will do anything to get it!).
...................the straggler

See ya next year guys. Take care. xo

2008-10-27T08:41:00.000-07:00

It's really tough for me to make decisions...I don't know when that started, but things that need to be done get thought about for far too long and then often put on the back burner indefinitely.

I bought a new set of desperately needed pots and pans once and they sat in the box for two years before I finally cracked it open and used them. There's more to that...I'm sure there is.

Last week I bought a new (used) vehicle and that was a big deal to me. It cost a bit more than what I'd wanted to spend but I was steered in this direction by my mechanic (who has been a friend of Dad's for years). A 70 year old Japanese fisherman bought the vehicle brand new in 2000 and barely drove it - it has 37,000 kms on it. It also has all the bells and whistles...more than what I need, that's for sure. It IS turning out to be a bit of a gas guzzler....but I guess carting around 5 of us, one of whom is 6 feet tall, ruled out a little economy car. We had to have sufficient room for the whole gang (and Linds' "luggage" that she carts around everywhere).

Anyhow, here's the new bus.

2008-10-21T00:37:00.001-07:00

I really like 54-40's new song...that's Neil's daughter singing with him.

I also like this guy too:

That is all.

2008-10-16T20:16:00.000-07:00

Things have been absolutely crazy hectic, but in a good way. I'm going through one of my "highs" at the moment...everything is great and I've got energy to burn. It's a go, go, go time, which is when I fly right.

Ty & I worked the election and that required a lot of running around, training, etc. and explains why I haven't been around much...they threw a lot at us in a short period of time. Hell, they were still advertising for people to work last Thursday!! The training was on Friday and we were each given a 100 page manual, then two lovely old gals tried explaining it all to us. They failed (miserably). They were all over the map and quite possibly suffering from Alzheimers. I think maybe the knitting club was more up their alley, but somehow they ended up working for the Government. Imagine that.

Is it wrong to think that when you've been hired for a job and training starts at 12:00 that YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TRY AND GET THERE ON TIME? What kind of idiot strolls in 20 minutes late? (Eight of them!) I was disappointed that the women in charge waited for them before starting the training - it shortchanged those of us who cared enough to make it on time. So the 3 hour course was crammed into 2 and was totally overwhelming. Not to mention the mob who pushed to get the handouts at the end....again, what kind of people do that? A lady actually had to elbow another fat old broad who was crushing us up against the table - they're not free donut samples lady, it's just paperwork. Chill. You'll get yours.

I'm the type who worries about everything and I don't take jobs lightly - I'm a bit of a perfectionist. So when I picked up my ballot box on the weekend and discovered that it was crammed full of even more paperwork, I kinda freaked out. Ty kept reassuring me that we'd be fine (we were a team - I was his supervisor. Hehe). But why I thought staying up all night before the election and reading through the material until my brain froze was a good idea is beyond me. No sleep is not good. No sleep when you're about to do a job you've never done before (involving 500 people) is really not good. Two plus two was equalling nine by the time the alarm went off at 5:15 (the last time I remembered looking at the clock was at 4:11. Yikes).

So the morning rolled around and we were to report to our stations by 6 am - no freakin' problem, right? A couple of pounds of coffe and I'd be good to go. But fuck if it wasn't a full moon and that means crazy things in my world. As I drearily carted boxes of stuff from my car into the gym, I somehow managed to spill my (extra large, burning hot) coffee down the front of my sweater. And on the ballot box and screen. Yea. I'm a winner. (I quit.)

Anyhow, all went well in the end. Ty and I worked like a well oiled machine, mostly thanks to him. I was impressed by his calm demeanor and ability to perform under some really stressful situations. He rocked it bigtime and kept me afloat.

My poll clerk, Ty.
He's awesome.
See? >>>>>>>>

This election was a mess, as people were required to show identification for the first time ever. Really? We didn't have to before? That's ridiculous. There were oaths to read and vouching to be done and interpreters involved all day long - never a dull moment. But I'm proud to say that we balanced and were out of there without a hitch. Wish I could say the same for the station beside us - that was a mess. I felt bad because the DRO was a passive little gentleman who had about as much clerical sense as a camel. He tore all his ballots out of the books and had them strewn around everywhere - "here, have some". His poll clerk was beet red by the end of the day...I'm quite sure she had an aneurysm at the end. We'd all called our results in and their ballot box hadn't even been opened yet. They'd officially sealed some stuff in envelopes, then realized they still needed it and hadn't counted how many people voted at their station. Not a pretty sight at that table...I asked if they needed help, then ran before it got too ugly.

Our jobs as DRO's were to protect each and every ballot...dude at the table to the left didn't do so well in that department. Did you know someone actually ate their ballot once? Brought condiments and everything. FTR - you're not allowed to do that. I can't believe that it's actually in the FAQ's. Like this is a problem?

We also were to maintain order....I got a little worried when I saw a warrant/arrest sheet in my supplies. Luckily, it wasn't needed. Nor was the bomb threat procedure page....Ty and I laughed at the "DO NOT TRY AND DISMANTLE THE BOMB YOURSELF". Uh, o.k. We won't.

So today it's back to the usual grind - it's nice to put all the craziness behind me.

Next week I'm off to buy a new car...mine's PMSing again. The heater (that I replaced two years ago) laughs at me. Screeches and laughs. I actually side kicked it while I was driving the other day (it's way over by the passenger seat).

There's also a hole in something. I know this because it sounds like a bicycle that's got baseball cards in the spokes. Kind of a dying lawnmower thing. And it smells like burning oil. (Or maybe that's my brain on fire?)

The final straw was the burnt out headlight. I was picking Linds up from Jesse's at midnight on Thanksgiving and when I rounded the corner just before his house, a cop was coming towards me. He pulled a U turn and I knew I was doomed. Lights, sirens, the whole she-bang. I pulled into Jesse's driveway and asked the cop if he could at least have the decency to turn off the lights /siren so he wouldn't embarrass me in front of my daughter's boyfriend's family. He took his sweet time and and by that time Jesse's mom was peeking out the front door to see what the commotion was all about. The neighbours too. "Oh hi, I'm just here to pick Linds up". "Yes officer, I have my license right here". (Douchebag).

So it's time to part ways, me and the Volvo. I'll miss her - she's got character. But I probably should've packed her in when Ty and I broke down in the tunnel - that was a trip.

Oh yeah, I had a road rage incident today in front of Lindsay's school - she went in and told everyone to witness her Mom in action outside...they all peeked out the windows and watched it unfold. Including her teachers. Yeeha. I was right though....Linds almost got mowed down by a pompous ass who was rushing into his financial institution. "I don't care that your portfolio's fucked...you still can't run over my daughter". (It's the law) :P

(I'm not really a redneck, I just talk like one)

Did I tell you I'm a winner yet?

Well, time to run - my eyelids feel like lead. I won't be adrift for so long this time...will check in with you all soon. The time off I have coming will be spent here, catching up with all of you. Be cool. (Just because I'm not, doesn't mean you can't be)

:)

2008-10-04T10:58:00.000-07:00

I am pathetic.

Seriously...I composed a post some time ago, complete with pictures, and didn't post it. Why?...I don't know. I suppose it's because, to me, nothing's ever "finished" (there's more to that - remember, I'm 10 years "separated" without having ever divorced).

Later on today (when I get home from the races), I will post it - just because. I don't know how to adjust the date, so it will probably appear before this one chronologically.

Nothing much to report - although yesterday was one shit of a day. It started out o.k....the mother in law and I did our usual Friday breakfast at Ikea. Yes, Ikea and breakfast do go together - a buck for eggs, hash browns and toast. Anyhow, we're kinda like that "start the car" lady from the commercials over the whole deal. But things quickly went downhill after breakfast.

Linds normally is out of school at 11:30 on Fridays but when we went to pick her up, she was still finishing up some homework. No biggie, we simply scooted over to Save On Foods so the mother in law could sneer at their prices. I also discovered that the Canucks' tickets I usually get for 1,600 points plus cash are now 22,000 points each. In other words, I'd have to spend $18 million to get a free hockey ticket. I'll pass, thanks. Go Giants.

So after squeezing all the lemons in the produce department, we went back to get Linds (who still wasn't "finished"). Which was hard to understand, as she was outside, farting around with friends. She was also wolfing down a huge black forest ham/cheese croissant that the school had provided (as, apparently she is a needy child of poverty and we can't afford food. Hard to tell, what with the $100 shoes/$110 hairdo, etc.). Anyhow, the issue I had with this was that the day before I made her a lovely black forest ham/cheese sandwich that she didn't eat, announcing that she doesn't do ham. Apparently that was only applicable yesterday and today it's her favorite.

I was losing my patience by this time, as I had an hour and a half before I started work. I told her to get her ass and her (not as good as my) sandwich back inside and get serious about finishing her homework (the school she's at doesn't believe in homework...the students must complete their work before they leave each Friday - I love that system, as it ensures the work actually gets done).

I dropped off the mother in law, then pondered what to do in the little time I had left before work. I almost turned right and headed to Dad's but, foolishly, decided I'd go to Safeway and get the groceries instead. Bad move.

Have I ever told you about an ongoing battle I have with a red light camera on my route home? The kids laugh because it's not uncommon for me to slow down, almost to a stop, on a green light because this light's been programmed to "catch" unsuspecting motorists and people who drive like sane people. I've clocked the green to red and it's been as little as 7 seconds on occasion....I don't even think it has yellow. So far, I've beat the little bastard every time, but today my luck ran out.

As I approached the light I was "ready", as usual. Elbows out, teeth clenched, arms tense with my hands grippping the wheel (ready to floor it through the yellow). And, as expected, it did turn yellow - right as I was on the crosswalk line. Now any reasonable person would just carry on through the light - but I have issues. So I slammed, hard, on the brakes. "Hahahaha light, you can't catch me". Although, in my calculations, I forgot that it was raining for the first time in weeks, so I started to slide, sideways. I ended up in the middle of the intersection, in the red. "Cheeeeeez".

But that was just the start. Work was awful - I think it was Dickhead Day yesterday. Got through that, bought a nice bottle of wine and came home to watch the rest of the football game and make some chili. Then Ty phoned, needing a ride home. No problem, right?

Well I ran out of gas on the way, wearing my after work comfy pyjamas. I won't even tell the rest of the story because, quite frankly, there aren't enough swear words available.

So, today's gotta be better, right? I'll keep you posted.

2008-09-22T10:34:00.000-07:00

Well isn't the back to school bug fun? I don't even go to school, yet I'm battling something ferocious. Luckily, I must have a kickass immune system because nothing keeps me down or hits me too a hard. Poor Linds - she's another story. Now you know a 17 year old's really sick when she calls on a Saturday night (early) and says "come and pick me up...I don't feel well at all". After puking her guts out, she slept for 17 hours....that was 17 hours of me staring at her in worry, wondering if it was her appendix or something serious. There's a fine line between jumping the gun and running into emerg before it's necessary and waiting something out too long. My theory is that I keep a close eye on things and constantly ask..."do you think you need to go?". My kids (?) are both old enough to have a handle on the severity of things and have been down the 15 hour emergency room wait road before, so I use them to gauge things. Not 100% - sometimes I have to overrule. But, in general, it's a good system we have.

Anyhow, I had two days of real ugly depression...when people around me are sick, it takes its toll on me. Sickness has been so prevalant in our family of late that it just knocks me on my ass when someone I love is suffering...even if it isn't something life threatening. Today I feel great...Linds is perking up and I'm off to Dad's to do some much needed weeding. Mostly, that's like meditation to me, as I lose myself in the garden and clear my head.

My brother has really disappointed me and I won't delve into it too deeply because it wears me out. But, through all the years I stood beside him when he was at his worst, he drops me like a bad habit if I say something he doesn't want to hear. Mostly, he's using me for a scapegoat right now to pawn his kid off back to his mother....long story, but they've been bouncing my nephew back and forth between them, as they're both "too busy" to really be hands on, committed parents. He's said that the "turmoil" between us (a one shot, 20 minute argument...the first we've had since he's been clean) is the reason he's sent his son packing back to his mother. I know the truth is that his girlfriend was competing for his time and attention and it was weighing heavily on him....it's hard to have a 14 year old at the best of times, let alone when you have an unsupportive partner. When his son moved in with him, she moved out. It spoke volumes to me...you learn a lot about people when push comes to shove. Bottom line - my brother's always been a doormat. He's a great catch - he is loyal to the point of blindness and he will bend over backwards to please his s/o....he got taken to the cleaners once already (which is why he lives at my Dad's - he's trying to get back on his feet). He now fully supports his girlfriend, who likes "the good life" and seems to have no conscience about taking without giving. She even sponged off Dad when she was there...to this day, she owes him a substantial amount of money but seems like she has no intention of ever paying it back! He loaned her money to buy a van and she was intially paying him $200/month but he hasn't seen a dime since she moved out last winter...doubt he ever will. He writes it off and says it worth it to have her out of there...I see it a little differently and think she should, in fact, have to eventually pay for it. I have zero respect for people like that...all in all, I liked her until I got to know her. She treats my brother horribly, yet his way to fix that is by buying and doing more for her. I wish he could see that he's his own worst enemy in all of this - that the more he does, the more is expected. I stay out of that part of it - it's his deal. But the thing with my nephew was what started everything...I bit my tongue as long as I could. And, in reading his Facebook status and picking up on things that the kid was in trouble, I had to do something.

Anyhow, I feel for my brother deep down...I don't like to see him in chaos like this, but also am frustrted that his loyalties are displaced as he chooses his girlfriend over his son. There shouldn't be an ultimatum involved...a good relationship would mean you could have both. I know why he's lashing out at me - because he can. I think he's frustrated with his girlfriend, yet won't stand up to her and so I get the backlash that he'd like to direct at her...I'm the scapegoat. Because he knows that, no matter what happens, if he really needs me - I'll be there. Anyhow, his son is temporarily back with his mother so the girlfriend can have 100% of his undivided attention.

So much for not delving, huh?

When it comes to kids, I can't turn a blind eye. I've been through this before - my aunt (who was more like an older sister to me) went off the deep end when her marriage broke up. She had 3 kids before she was 20 and when they were young, she began drinking and ended up in the throws of full blown alcoholism. I stepped in (I was 16) and pretty much raised her kids for a summer. When it came time for me to return to school, I called the Ministry on her. I warned her before I did so..she laughed at me and challenged me to do it, so I did. Best decision I ever made....today she says she was in a blackout for a year and doesn't remember any of it. She's a great Mom and, to this day, they're my closest relatives apart from my immediate family.

Anyhow, was only meaning to do a quick "update"...but you know me by now. ;)

All in all, life is good - hectic, but good.

Debbie Downer Reporting Here

2008-09-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

I'd recently put together two different posts that are saved as drafts, but I don't seem to be able to "finish" things lately...I'm full of starts and half finishes. Am I ever finished?...maybe that's the problem with me. I can't close the deal. I start off like gangbusters then fizzle out. Don't ever hit publish because I find I've said a whole lot about nothing and who really cares?

I will go back and look at them (my posts that is - I don't even remember what they were about) and, if they're still applicable, I'll publish them. I don't think they are.

Honestly, I'm tired - both physically and mentally. I'm tired of worrying and carrying the responsibilities of being a single mom. I'm tired of never having a vacation or any real "fun" time that lasts for more than 3 hours (or takes 3 hours to prepare for/clean up after). "WAAAAAAAAAA".

Suck it up princess.

Seriously though, I really am dragging my ass around and fighting to keep going. Nothing overly dramatic (I lie), just an ongoing struggle to dig deep and find some spark each day to try and light me up. I'm going to the Lion's game tomorrow, but even that has failed to really excite me. I'm usually totally psyched for games but things have sort of fallen apart and I thought I'd be going with Ty or my brother - but that's not going to happen. Ty's out of town and my brother's currently out to lunch (literally, you'll learn about it later). So I've arranged to go with some neighbor/friends (a first for me, I NEVER go out with friends anymore)....it'll be fun but, at this point, I really would rather just stay home and catch the game on TV. I'm forcing myself to go, as I think I need to socialize. I'm also keeping in mind that I have just had a bug of some sorts and that that's probably draining me and I haven't fully recovered from it. I hate being sick. Down. Tired. I'm a go getter who can only really function properly when I'm burning the candle at both ends. I don't do tired and lazy very well and, when I'm forced to, it throws me off, it depresses me. Which, in turn, adds to the lethargy. It's a vicious cycle and my bike riding is my attempt to combat it. So far, I'm failing. (Isn't this fun? Heehee)

My brother and I had a "thing" and I'm not convinced that he isn't using again. Fuck. He says he's not, but his behavior tells me he might be. I can't go through that again. He's starting to snap and I confronted him on it yesterday, to which he reacted with hostility. I haven't seen him like this in a couple of years and, quite frankly, it scares me to think that we might be losing him again. It's also out of my control and I'm not going to let it suck what little wind is in my sails right now. It's his deal and all I can do is pray he's o.k.

I'm currently still (halfheartedly) looking for another job - I really don't want to leave my job because I love it. But the money's just not cutting it at the moment and I can't live by just scraping by...I like doing things and that requires cash. If I can hang in there until October, I'll get double the hours that I'm getting now - but only for a couple of months until my boss likely decides to pack it in. She hasn't had the decency to talk to me about the fact that my job is likely ending soon - I hear it through the grapevine. I'm still considering buying her out (Dad will back me). It would ensure that my kids always have part time jobs in between jobs or enable them to continue their schooling (which Ty would like to do). I'm seriously thinking about it, but don't know that I want the extra responsibility that would come with running my own business. I know I COULD do it, just don't know that I want to. I kind of just want to go punch in and do my 8 hours, then be out of there. I think I'm getting old...where'd all my drive and ambition go?

High points - I am riding A LOT and feeling pretty damn fit for the most part. I also have a shoulder injury and finally went to the doctor (it's been a month), who said I'll likely need some physio. We'll see - that's time that I'd rather spend out riding. My doctor's great - he doesn't push things and he knows how to work "around" me. You've gotta love a doctor who prescribes medication and then says "I know you won't fill this prescription, but I'm writing it out anyhow". He knows me. Oh, I guess a shoulder injury isn't really a "high point", is it? Well the fact that my doctor is a gem is, so we'll run with it.

So I'm still doing the same big bunch of nothing, which is why I rarely post. I'm boring. I have been taking tons of pictures and will upload a few...blogger takes so damn long and frustrates the hell out of me - which is partially why I never end up finishing posts. I'd really like to show them all somehow because I think there are some great shots. But, in order to do that, it'd take me all night - so just a few for now. They tell the story of why I'm never around - I'm out there, away from the computer soaking up the last gasps of summer. It's been gorgeous here - today was freaking hot as hell. I live in a beautiful place and I feel happy when I'm at the river. Even if I am alone.

Oh, today's Mom's birthday. Linds and I saw a bunch of balloons floating in the sky and we're pretty sure they were for her. Things'll never be the same without her, but I am o.k.

;)

I promise to have a brighter outlook soon...just one of those valleys before the peaks, ya know? Not really depressed, mostly just exhausted. Might try sleeping soon, could help. ;)

I really hate negativity and am very much aware of the fact that I'm immersed in it right now. I think awareness is half the battle though...I can work through it by doing the right things. Keeping in touch with all (5) of you is a big part of that - you're extremely important to me. Even Ty had recognized that and he threatened to hack into my account and impersonate me if I didn't get a post up pronto (that was a week ago!). He told me I was ignoring my friends and I needed to stay connected here and he was right.

So, here's where I've been hiding:

(Click on the pics to make them bigger/better)

............follow the leader anyone?......

This is my brother's cat, "Taz". He's as dumb as a doornail. He falls off windowsills and tables and runs at the slightest rumble like a big scaredy cat. Dad and I once heard stuff crashing and rattling and we seriously thought it was an earthquake...it was Tazzie...tearing around, petrified, with a plastic bag stuck on his head! We couldn't stop him to get it off...he knocked over china and pretty near took out the entire china cabinet. But he's SO loveable. Here he's claimed Lindsay's shirt as his pillow. I just love this guy.

I've been running across a lot of old cars lately...I like them...

Friends at work (they make my lunch every day - and they're damn good at it too). I'm going to the football game with the one on the right...she's a total sweetheart.

This is my pet crow at work - I feed him and, when I get tied up with something, he hops to the glass door and peeks in at me until I notice him. Yes, I'm one of those crazy bird/cat ladies. What shall we name him?
Now we all know how Deb feels about people on her rock, riiiiiiiiight? *Sigh* (Can you see why I love it here?)

I grew up in this town and I still love it and ride down here often. This place used to be my favorite as a kid - it was called the "DUDUCKINN"....a candy shop that had a butcher in the back corner! Weird.

A taste of what Steveston was like when I grew up here. It's being revamped as a trendy, waterfront village but it'll always just be "home" to me.
This was the movie theater in Steveston that my parents went to when they were teenagers.
My Mom nearly drowned in these very waters when she was young...she was learning how to float on her back in the river when the current grabbed ahold of her and was pulling her out to sea! A fisherman jumped in off the dock and saved her.

I have many more "Steveston" photos (there's so much to see in such a little community). I also have some gorgeous sunset pics from over by the airport/Olympic oval site...but Blogger's about to explode and it's taking 3 attempts per pic, so later.

I'm off to look at those old, saved posts to see if there's anything worth salvaging. Remind me to tell you about Saturday night in my next post...too tired tonight.

G'night friends. I promise to come around and visit you all this weekend. And I hope to visit some of you "face to face" soon (Phaedra, Mel)

xo

What I've Learned About 17 Year Olds

2008-08-24T17:43:00.000-07:00

They are always pissed off. From the time their feet hit the floor (between 1-3 p.m.), until the time they sleep. And they are like bats...they sleep upside down.

When they tell you they need a ride in half an hour, in actuality that means anytime between RIGHT NOW and 4 days from now. But you'd better be ready.

They hate you. It doesn't mean they won't still accept gifts, rides and cash from you. But just fuck off - they hate you.

Throwing things is their way of communicating...so you'd better learn the fine art of dodge, duck and GTFO.

They can show you endless drawings, poetry, YouTube clips, hangnails and other things that they've done or find interesting. But they don't give a flying fuck what you like. It's boring. Don't bother.

You are not allowed to ask them questions. It burns their eyes and they may inflict physical harm on you. JUST DON'T ASK. Better yet, don't speak in their presence, as your voice is reportedly 12 decibels too loud for them. STFU.

Seniority don't mean squat. When there's a 17 year old in the house, you lose. This includes any rights you have to the phone, TV, computer, remote controls and fridge contents. Everything belongs to them and you forfeit everything because they are faster, stronger, sleeker and smarter than you'll ever be. Dumbass.

Clothes can only go on the floor. Drawers are meant for broken bits of eyeliner, sticky change and old bus transfers. Don't fuck with the system.

Don't ever comment on their unkempt hair...they work for hours on it. If a spider crawls out, it's part of the program.

Don't try and be cool around them. They'll shoot you down with lazers from their cellphones. Or outta their eyes, if they're already texting friends (which is likely).

I will be adding to this.

Today's one of those days that I should just quit while I'm ahead. Or drum on rusty propane tanks with firesticks...it'd probably be safer than dodging daggers in this PMS household. SOS.

2008-08-17T23:10:00.000-07:00

Random "boaters" passing by...although I'm pretty sure they could use a bigger boat.

Oh hai.

I'm really sorry that I've let this place completely go to the dogs...as I explained to Barb - sheer laziness is my only explanation. I've been staying up into the wee hours watching the Olympics, which means I'm pretty much a zombie during the day after work. I love the Olympics, but they make me really miss Mom...she and I would constantly update each other with a lot of "did you see..." type phone calls. Miss her tons and I think that's probably contributing to my flakiness at the moment.

Another reason for my lack of posting is because I've decided I'm absolutely boring - nothing exciting or noteworthy happening in my life AT ALL to speak of. I don't want to bore you guys to death so I thought I'd wait until I had something to say. But I don't. I'm posting here today because Ty prompted me to...he told me if I didn't put up a post he was going to hack into my account and pretend he was me. We don't want that.

So Linds is away with her Dad for two weeks...that terrifies me. He's being his usual idiotic self but I'm learning to accept the things I can not change. And I can't kill him, so.....

Anyhow, she gets home tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to seeing her. I miss her shinanigans when she's away.

Fiona was just here for a week and we did a lot of laughing, a bit of wine drinking and generally had a lovely time. I love my kids and their S/O's....I'm blessed to have such wonderful people in my life.

So this is it...nothing earth shattering or even entertaining. I did do a very long post a few days ago, but decided to save it (again). I just don't want to do the heavy, Dr. Phil crap and it was a bit of a journey into my past. Pffft - let it go already. I'm really just enjoying life too much to even think about things that bring me down.

Although I'm sick of this heat, I do love the summer and it brings out the best in me. I'm a happy camper when I can ride my bike by the river each night. I did run over a snake the other day - poor thing, split him right in half! I was doing about 90 and didn't see him crossing the path until it was too late. I was going to go back and see if I could help him and then I had a wtf moment. Like I don't even know where the snake hospital is. Duh. What the hell would I do with two snake halves? Anyone need a belt?

So that's about it folks. I'm chilling but missed you so I'm making the rounds tonight. Hope you're all doing well and life is treating you good.

I'll be back soon.

What's In A Name?

2008-07-31T23:43:00.000-07:00

I spend a good deal of time on various sport's forums and tonight when I was on Canucks.com a fellow fan sent me a p/m that made me laugh.

Apparently he wanted to know a bit more about me, so he was checking out the link to this blog via my profile.

Now, let me tell you that when I named my blog I did so very innocently...it was based on a combination of two things. The first was a Holly McNarland song that I was listening to a lot at the time. The second was the fact that the blog was going to be little more than a bunch of crap randomly thrown together, like a junk drawer or a box stuffed full with bits and pieces (hence the name "The Box").

I should've thought it over more.

Poor LagerHog...tonight he clicked on the link and described to me how he immediately thought "JACKPOT"! when it directed him to "Deb's Box". He thought it was going to be one of those places. Sorry to disappoint (this Debbie DOES NOT do Dallas).

Just a boring bunch of Mom stuff.

We shared a chuckle over it.

2008-07-28T01:23:00.001-07:00

The reason I rarely make it here anymore (or anywhere in the blogosphere for that matter) is that I feel tired lately. Not really physically tired...just mentally drained. Scattered (again). Disconnected. I go through periods like this on occasion and I "disappear" when that happens. I spend a lot of time on my rock in the sun...thinking about (missing) Mom. Worrying about Dad. Trying to figure out a 17 year old daughter who thinks I'm the enemy because I want to parent her instead of be her best friend. She's a good kid - God, when I was 17......

(we won't go there)

The ex and I don't talk anymore. Not a bitter thing - he just hasn't called in weeks. Do I miss him? My gut reaction says yes but, when I think about it - no. I don't miss the bullshit. His drunk calls at 2 am that started with "I love you" and ended with "I hate you". "Bitch". His manipulation and control. I've heard he's finally got someone...I hope he treats her better than he treated me. Sometimes being with him and putting up with his abuse made me feel like I'd had a lobotomy. Numb and stupid. I already feel sorry for her - sad for her. I bet she's nice. Too nice. I hope he doesn't kill her too.

For nearly 35 years, he and I were the best of friends. Up until a month and a half ago, he still drunk dialed me to say I was the love of his life and ask what went wrong...why our dreams died. But now, nothing. After the episode with the kids, I disconnected from him. He crossed a line that couldn't be undone. He recently sent me a registered letter to tell me something. So that's what a 35 year relationship becomes...an envelope that requires a signature.

I don't miss him as a partner. I will always miss him as a part of me though - as a friend who knew all my secrets. Someone who could write the history of me - no one else could do that but him. I'm mourning his friendship right now...even though he sucked at it.

My house is a God awful mess. I don't even care...I don't have the capacity to care right now. That's worrisome.

I ~~think~~ know I'm suffering from a pretty deep rooted depression and this is one fuck of a bout of it that I'm dealing with...but I don't have the the time/energy to seek out help. That's bullshit too - I don't want to invest the time/energy - I'd rather do other things. So I'll do it alone, via bike rides and soul searches at the river. Probably dumb to think I can do it alone, but I'm giving it a shot. Wonder Woman.

I've worked out my entire life and, for awhile there, I gave it up. Getting back at it - I mean fully commited to it - feels good. It always does wonders for my emotional health, as well as my physical being when I exert myself - push myself...I'm starting to feel strong again. The sun on my skin, wind in my hair as I ride....it's a spiritual thing. It's helping. Mind and body really do have a connection that can either work against each other or in perfect harmony. It's best to try and use one to help heal the other.

Tonight was good...I rode my bike (hard and long). Siamese Dream in my (ahem) Walkman - yes, I know. I don't want an IPOD - my Walkman's like an old friend - it's been with me 20 years now. It crackles and eats tapes but I can drop it on the ground doing 20 on my bike and the thing keeps playing. I have a hard time parting with things. People, things.

Anyhow, I rode past the boat launch tonight and I noticed Dad's van and my brother's truck/trailer. They obviously were out fishing together...that made me smile. They've finally found each other again - it isn't perfect, but it's something. I looked for them on the water...there's something comforting in them being out there. It's where they belong and it means the world's right.

When I got home I went and grabbed a large pizza for them, knowing they'd be cold and tired when they got the boat in. They were late - the sun was setting and it worried me. The water was choppy and I know they don't wear lifevests (they think they're old salts of the sea and "don't need 'em". Invincible men). I waited, then got cold and decided to go drop the pizza off at their place - got halfway there and realized I didn't have keys to get in.

Went back to the boatlaunch and they were there. My nephew and Dave's NA friend were also there and I wished I'd bought two pizzas. We shared a few laughs as the sun slipped below the horizon and I felt happy. Simple things folks. That's what it's all about.

I think I can beat this thing. I'm working on it. But stories like this don't help much. I guess, in the overall scope of things, I'm not a bad mother after all. The world makes me sad when I read stuff like this.

2008-07-23T23:28:00.000-07:00

I feel really bad for dropping off the face of the earth - no blog visits, no posting...nothing. I'm lame.

As much as I'd like to be able to tell you I was stuck in quick sand while trying to rescue a baby or on an African Safara, I really don't have a reason for my absence....just that the gorgeous weather we've been having tends to draw me away from my dark little computer corner and the only thing I've been doing on the net lately is checking in on football/hockey news.

I've been riding every night without fail...mountain biking is definitely my "thing" now. I love it.

I've also been waiting with bated breath for Mats Sundin to sign with my team. Here in Vancouver, the residents and local businesses are trying to sweeten the deal with additional offerings to his contract (like $20 million isn't enough). Anyhow, I'm donating a Set For Life scratch & win and some of Dad's wild smoked AND pickled salmon to the cause. I'm sure that'll seal the deal.

Ty and I went to the Lion's game Friday night...it was Bob Ackles night and there was a lovely tribute to the man who did so much for football in this province. My team's still shaking out some cobwebs, but they managed to win it for Bob. Great seats, lots of fun. The $30 parking spot didn't impress me much - I figured they could've at least washed the car while we were inside, but no go. Bastards.

My man Geroy is in fine form this year...he's about to surpass "Dirty 30" (Jim Young) in the record books. I remember watching Jim at Empire Stadium when he set those records waaaay back when. (God I'm old)

Speaking of way back when, this is kind of interesting. As you may already know, the ex and I were together since we were kids - 14 to be exact. I never had eyes for anyone else but that didn't stop some of my friends from trying to hook me up with other guys to get me away from K (he wasn't a big hit with my friends - he was possessive, jealous and sometimes mean to me...he found my friends to be a threat). Anyhow, I worked at the alcohol & drug centre in my 20's and was friends with one of the older, female counsellors. Looking back, I think she may have been the original "cougar"...she was always on a manhunt and constantly trying to get me to go out with her to lure in the younger men. So one day this really good looking guy (my age) comes into the office and she pulls me aside and says "he's a friend of mine...I want you to go out with him". When I said I didn't think so she chimed in with "don't you know who he is?!!!! HE'S AN ILICH!". The guy was gorgeous and at the time K and I had just been going through a really rough spot in our relationship and were thinking of taking a break. But, as tempted as I was, I declined the offer. Much arm twisting went on, but I stood firm in my (dumb blind) loyalty to K. So we made small talk with Mr. Gorgeous and then he left.

As it turns out, I ride by his parent's ~~house~~ palace on my nightly bike rides and I can't help but think of how my life might've been different if I'd gone out with him. The house is 5 minutes away from my place.

Anyhow - THIS is the house (make sure you take the "tour"). I was one of those dummies who married for love. D'oh.

2008-07-09T22:29:00.001-07:00

I put together a post about what I've been doing this past week but I've saved it as a draft for now. It was kind of heavy...just don't know if I want to drag it here. In the meantime, these are some pictures I've been taking on my nightly rides (I leave every night after work at 6 and get home around 9...gorgeous riverside riding).

Oh, and this is a conversation I had with my Dad tonight on the phone just before I left:

DAD: "oh good, you're back from your ride"

ME: "no, haven't left yet, why?"

D: "well I have a problem"

I pause for a moment, as Dad's been experiencing a few health problems again lately. My heart sinks.

M: "what is it?"

D: "my damn TV has words printed all over it"

(whew...thank God)

M: "what do you mean words?"

D: "WORDS, like what's being said. Says something about closed caption whatever that is"

M: "I'll be right there Dad"

A few minutes later I arrive at Dad's house to find his TV off. He tells me he was too pissed off to watch it anymore because of those damn words crowding up the screen. I hit the "CLOSED CAPTION/TEXT" button smack dab in the middle of his remote and shut it off.

D: "Good, now I can watch the end of the baseball game."

I'm glad I could be of service Dad. (I'm now his super hero).

*sigh*

Did I tell you my Dad hates technology and probably wishes he had lanterns, a horse, a well, and a wood burning stove?

Anyhow, here's where I've been hiding. I love this place (click on them to make them larger/better)......

I have more but, as usual, Blogger's giving me a hard time and it's taking 3-4 attempts for each picture.

2008-07-01T11:44:00.001-07:00

Wow, I've been slacking lately, eh? (That's Canadian for "right?").

I apologize for not, at the very least, responding to comments or visiting your blogs. Rude, rude, rude. The bottom line is that I'm on the fly 24-7 right now (and loving every minute of it).

I'm back to mountain biking (hard and long) and that consumes the "me" time that used to be spent on the internet. Can't have it all. It's very therapeutic and I'm in a much better head space when I allow myself that time. I'll post pics later - have some great ones from my rock. Here's a preview...ya just never know what you're gonna see on one of these rides....

A quick recap:

We attended the Matt Good show on Thursday, which was stellar (as usual). I gave up my "good" floor seat to Jesse and got hooked up with another one that turned out to be one of the best seats in the house....center, balcony, aisle. Loved it. Anyhow, the concert was amazing but I just couldn't do justice to a review like my new friend Jennifer. She is a fellow fan who I've met through the site and had the pleasure of actually meeting in person at the show. She's a doll. I also met another internet "friend" for the first time, who was even lovelier in person than I'd imagined....t - you know who you are. Matt's fans are some of the best people I've ever encountered...truly a great bunch and I'm glad to have had the opportunity to meet a few of them firsthand.

* * * * *

We did our usual jaunt to the racetrack yesterday and had a splendid day there...the weather was perfect, there was live entertainment and the company was the best. Linds and Jesse even joined us for the afternoon, making things complete. I lost every race (that's normal for me) but don't care at all about that - it's all about the quality time spent together. A+.

* * * * *

Today is a big NHL day around this household...radios, TV's and the internet are all tuned in to hockey programs in anticipation of what deals may (or may not) go down. Our Canucks are poised to make a splash, although we've learned not to hold our breath here. In related news, my boy Gilbert (Brule) has been sent to Edmonton in exchange for Raffi Torres....although I think Columbus got the better end of that deal, I've seen Brule play (and had the pleasure of meeting him) and he's got serious potential. He plays with heart and determination and is a tough boy...we'll see how that one pans out.

* * * * *

In big news, it's my country's birfday today. A big shout out to Canada, for being so awesome. I'm going down to my Dad's (who lives in the heart of Canada Day land), for the annual Salmon festival in Steveston. I've been attending since I was a kid and it's a huge deal. Will report back later, as I see I'm running late (as usual)....

Have a great day everyone.

2008-06-26T08:25:00.001-07:00

As if my house doesn't have enough crap that I'm trying to get rid of.....

Yesterday the ex brought the kid's a filthy, worn out old set of drums that belonged to his brother who was in a band 25 years ago (who is downsizing before a move). Let's get real - he's getting rid of shit. Now, as much as I'm in favor of allowing the creative juices to flow and I support anything musical, this isn't great. I spent an hour trying to clean deads bugs outta these things - I'm quite sure a cat might've even been living in them. Understand here - the brother was in a punk band 25 years ago and these things were dragged around to dirty, underground gigs and probably still have people's vomit stuck on them. I know because I was at some of those shows.

Anyhow, the thought is nice but now my living room has been invaded and Tyler's already begun the process of annoying the shit out of me by drumming right behind me as I sit on the couch. Again - I'm all for these guys learning the drums - just not in my ear. I've told him that I'm going to drum on them when the phone's for them....save the voice from screaming until they hear me.

I'm sure our neighbors will love the new addition. They used to like me.

I'll post pics later - when I get over the trauma of it all.

2008-06-23T10:09:00.000-07:00

George Carlin , May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008.

2008-06-21T23:02:00.000-07:00

I'm really stoked for several reasons....here are the top three:

1) July 1st....UFA's!!!! No, this has nothing to do with spacecraft manned by little green guys - HOCKEY PLAYERS folks. My Man Mike (Gillis) better not disappoint. I'd like to acquire Joe Sakic, Marian Hossa, The Hanson Brothers and Chuck Norris. While we're at it let's throw 80 million at Linden and convince him to stay a year or two. Not happening? O.K. Mike - YOU do it then. The draft was this weekend and, personally, for me it's like an appetizer before the meal - just gets me thinking about what's to come...the real fun begins in a couple of weeks. We need to add to our team for next year and, although I'm excited over the prospects we picked up today, they're not going to help us tomorrow. You have to give in order to receive and I'm always a little nervous right around this time....it's an anxious excitement as we see what develops. I'm glad our new GM has said my Ikea twins aren't up on the block, but I may've seen his fingers crossed behind his back. And I hope my captain returns, albeit at a reduced price. Change is good. Sometimes. O.K., o.k., I know...~~some~~ all of you hate hockey. So I'll move on.

It's my country's birthday too. Yeeha. Can't forget that.

For those of you not interested in hockey or the best country in the world, then there's....

2) Football!!! The regular season of the CFL starts this week. And my boyfriend (Geroy) is in fine form. Yea! Paint me orange.

3) The Matthew Good concert: I've been waiting my whole life for this. Well, not really, but since last year's show. The only negative thing I have to say is that it's on Thursday - the night of the Lion's game. Is it wrong to wear a headset radio IN ONE EAR? Hmmm.

Anyhow, it should be a good week. I'm off Monday and that rocks too...maybe I should've done a top 10.

That's it for now - all I've got. My toast just popped.

2008-06-18T08:49:00.001-07:00

Why, why, why are there only 24 hours in a day? It's simply not enough. I find I'm constantly trying to cheat the system by having some "me" time at 2:30 am and, well, it's not working out so well.

I'm dragging my rear to work today and I'm tired as hell. But my long overdue spring cleaning mood has hit and it seems that I just get really rolling on something when I'm called away. Cobwebs in hair - I actually noticed the other day that the spider was on me too.

Bear with me. My posts have lacked substance (was it ever any other way?). They've been mostly bitches, rants and whines. Really flattering stuff.

But I find that when I do get 18 seconds to post, I'm in a bitchy, whiny mood. Mostly because of the 24 hours in a day thing...why can't I vacuum my car at 3 am? Do the neighbours have to sleep every night? Geesh, so picky around here.

Anyhow, today's a "long" shift (waa), followed by the laundromat, dinner and Rock of Love. Yes, I do watch that garbage. It's the sleaziest, sluttiest, trashiest bit of nonsense I've ever seen. And I love it. I can't quite pinpoint why (and probably need therapy). Bret Michaels dating life...well, dating doesn't really factor in much. Fiona and I feel normal when we watch that show...maybe that's it.

Have a great hump day. Be back by November.

2008-06-17T18:32:00.001-07:00

OK, I wrote a big long post about my boss before this, but here it is in a nutshell:

SHE SUCKS

And I'll be doing my best NOT to quit over the next couple of days because, well, when you're under appreciated that's an option that comes to mind. In neon letters with a drum brigade & fireworks.

I'd booked (a month ago) for an early departure on the 26th of June so I can get a head start to the Matt Good concert. I'm taking a busload of people with me and we've planned on meeting other MG fans that we've met on line beforehand, to grab some chow and mingle. Been looking forward to it forever.

So I look on the calendar today and see that things have "changed" and my shift that day's now longer than I'd originally scheduled. Someone's scratched out my 2:00 finish and written 3:30 in its place. Without asking me. WHAT? Where was I when this was decided? Back the fuck truck up. Fuckers.

Not a huge deal - but the lack of communication/respect is getting to me. I then carry on to see that my hours have been cut in half over the next few weeks to accomodate the boss's daughter, who's wanting some extra summer $$. That's all fine and dandy, but I have bills to pay so, at the very least, a conversation informing me of these changes would've been nice. Also, I'd agreed to run the place for 10 days in July as the boss and her daughter were planning a jaunt to NY...the extra money was already spent. And that, too, has now been cancelled and they're "thinking" of doing something in August instead. In other words, my life's supposed to just bend and twist according to theirs. Like my time is nothing.

FUCK THIS SHIT.

Oh, by the way, I've had enough.

The very high turnover of employees there is because of this kind of crap. The last girl (Sio) was a sweetheart and I hated to see her go. But I was happy for her, as she was far too wonderful to deal with the headaches. The woman before her now works in the same complex (for the competition). She visits me and we talk about how miserable her former (my) boss is. She's supportive and is trying to coax me to the other side. They even get paid stats there. AND there are magazines to read.

So, although I LOVE the freedom of working alone without anyone breathing down my neck, I feel like enough's enough. Nice guys do finish last and I think it's time I take charge of this situation and lay a few ground rules. Like once the schedule's posted, no one changes my hours unless I give the o.k. to do so. Seems reasonable enough to me.

Going to the library now...I feel a serious need to read.

2008-06-16T08:52:00.000-07:00

Geesh, has it really been a week already?

My blogging has really been put on the back burner lately...I don't have much of an explanation except that the days seem to be flying by, with nothing of any significance to report. It's like that with me - I throw myself into something, then back away. Bits & pieces that result in fragmented sections of my life. I really think that there are probably some underlying psychological and/or physical issues that have me do this. Possibly some ADD related stuff. I can't seem to focus for too long on one thing...I get bored (not of you guys - of "hearing" myself speak), pull away and then revisit it at a later time. I also think that the "thing" that happened with the ex has affected me more than I thought. It thrust me back into a nightmare world that I lived in for so long. A little PTS involved. Anyhow, not really wanting to delve into it, just recognize that since the episode, I've been a little flakey and unable to buckle down and concentrate.

I'm also working a lot more, mostly because my boss didn't want to hire someone else to fill the other spot. We discussed it at the time that my co worker left - I assured her that I could hold down the fort on my own (which I can). The only thing that I was hoping was that she'd appreciate me a little for it but, so far, she's as cold and ungrateful as ever (which is why there's a vacancy to begin with...she has a high turnover of employees, who find it difficult to work for her).

She comes across as a miserable person and customers express to me on a daily basis that they refuse to do business with her - they wait until they see that I'm there. While flattering, that also means that I'm busy as hell when I'm on shift. I've recently been shuffled around on different shifts and some of my regulars, upon seeing me back on mornings, have said things like "oh thank God you're back" and "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? We've missed you". I love my customers and they've become friends to me...why is it that my boss can't make the connection that this is good for business? She sneers at people, rarely gives them eye contact and grumbles about them if they become "difficult" (to her that means they can't make up their mind what they want). I know that she's happy in her personal life and, all in all, I admire her. But, at times, she's a bitch. We have a totally different view on how to treat people and, in having to have more contact with her lately, it's affecting me in a negative way. Some days I walk in to relieve her and she says "hi", mostly, though, she just ignores me or kind of scowls at me. Very unpleasant and you just never know which one you're going to get.

Anyhow, on Friday I was at home, waiting for a package to arrive....I've won some autographed stuff from the Canucks. I had to work at 2 so I'd also left my work address/phone number, so the stuff could also be dropped off there. Apparently the courier needed the postal code there and, when they couldn't reach me at home, they called my boss. And she wouldn't give it to them.

When they finally did reach me, they told me that it was now too late to deliver it and they'd have to send it out the next day (Saturday). I was puzzled by my boss' lack of cooperation in something so simple. I immediately called her:

"Did someone just call there regarding a delivery for me?"

"Yeah"

"And they needed the postal code?'

"Uh huh"

"Did you give it to them?"

"No"

"Well, why not"

"I don't know it"

I call bullshit on that one...she's owned the booth for nearly 30 years. Even if she didn't know it off the top of her head, I know it wouldn't have taken much effort to find it. But that's how she is.

So it screwed up the delivery, which didn't arrive Saturday and I'm now in the process of trying to locate. Could've been simple but, for my boss, it's only important if it directly relates to her.

Anyhow, enough of my rant.

I'm excited about the Matt Good concert...the whole crazy bunch of us are going on the 26th. I'm also excited that the CFL is rolling again...I'm lost without sports and my BC Lions are poised to make a good run at things, although, with the 33-13 whooping that Saskatchewan laid on us, I'm a little worried. Not too much though, since pre-season doesn't include the regulars in the line up. In sad news, my hero, Trevor Linden, has packed it in. Not surprising, but still devastating in this household. I plan on doing a tribute later (when I get through crying about it).

I have today off and it's a gorgeous day out. I'm about to tackle the deck, which has been neglected all winter and has a green mossy thing going on. I love summer.

2008-06-09T12:56:00.000-07:00

Isn't it interesting when you learn something new about yourself?

Photography is quickly becoming a new passion of mine and, although I'm not very good at it (my daughter's much better), it provides endless hours of quality "me" time.

In the past it's always been loud music & heart pumping workouts that have done it for me - provided a "release" of pent up emotion and energy. Cleared my mind and re-energized me. But I'm also liking the contrast of the quiet, calm that comes with photography. The path that I normally tear up on my bike has become something quite new to me now that I stroll along slowly, camera in hand. I'm seeing beauty in things that I've never seen before.

I have my daughter to thank (stop by and say hello if you get a chance) for opening my eyes to and getting me excited about this whole new world (well, Alana too...I bought my first digital camera because of her). I've always enjoyed taking pictures, but it's becoming part of who I am and I'm thankful for that discovery.

What are some things that you like doing?

(UPDATE: My kids and I communicate via MSN at home...saves doing stairs and yelling. So I just clicked on Lindsay's and her status bar reads "HI, I'M MILDLY EPIC" which, obviously, made me laugh and prompted a response. I asked "why only mildly?", to which she replied....

"if I were more than mildly the universe would explode".)

(True)

Anyhow, here are some of my recent pics (more to follow...this stuff takes time!)
Look closely....you'll see a fisherman in this one............

Snatched this fish up and got little more than his beak wet...could give my brother a few fishing tips!
Although this one's blurry (like most pictures I take actually), it was pretty cool. He got this one by diving right in, off the dock, in order to catch it. Amazing!
The "Cardio boot camp" class passed by and, of course, Linds took the opportunity to jump right in (click on the pic to get the full effect of her joy in doing so).
My sunglasses make the color in everything very vivid/beautiful and it's not uncommon for me to take a pic while I'm wearing my glasses, then be disappointed at the end result when I see the actual picture. So I beat the system....I took the pic through my sunglasses! Genius, aren't I?
This last one makes me think of one of my favorite Long John Baldry songs - "Flying". (Did you know that Elton got the "John" part from him?...I just learned that the other night).

2008-06-08T18:00:00.000-07:00

Thanks Linds, for sending this my way. ;)

2008-06-08T12:02:00.000-07:00

It's funny how other people can impact our moods, isn't it?

Since the "episode" with the ex (which I've chosen to put behind me and not delve into further), things have kind of unravelled for me. I guess what happens is that it opens up old wounds and thrusts me back into negative feelings about myself. It's taken me a lot to regather my self esteem and convince myself that I'm worth something. I'd actually come to a place where I was starting to like myself and developments this week have me feeling extremely withdrawn, helpless and depressed. I didn't sleep last night.

Not that this is directly about the incident last week (per se)....moreso, how the kids have responded to everything and the aftermath of what went down. I honestly think a bit of PTS has factored in and, well, it's a bit of a weird weekend so far. I feel a bit betrayed and alone.

Is there a full moon too?

Anyhow, I hate being negative...it goes against everything I'm about. But I am rather disconnected, scrambled and feeling fragmented. Like everything's out of synch and I can't focus...my rhythm's been thrown off. I'm going to blast some tunes and do one hell of a workout this afternoon...hopefully that'll recharge my batteries and start to set things right.

If that fails, I'm going to buy a bottle of wine. ;)

I'll keep you posted.

(I know that my blog has become little more than a bitch session, with a few Youtube videos thrown in to deflect away from that. I'm workin' on it folks and promise I'll have more to offer soon. This too shall pass.)

Thanks to those of you who've hung in, despite the whinefest.

2008-06-05T17:32:00.000-07:00

Please, say it isn't so!

2008-06-01T21:23:00.000-07:00

My angry music. I should really work out, to get this all out of my system.

2008-06-01T21:15:00.000-07:00

This works too.

2008-06-01T17:45:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here, wondering if I should post what I'm currently feeling/going through or just ride it out. I'm a talker and, especially when things are rough, I need to talk. It's how I work things out.

It's bad.

Today was fucking awful and I have to process it a bit before I know what's right/wrong.

Let's just say my ex took a huge step backwards in progress today...one that has me scared, confused, angry and, well...devastatated. But really, really fucking angry mostly. I'm shocked by what's happened and I never thought he was capable of crossing lines that he crossed today. Blindsided by it. It came out of nowhere, like a sucker punch. It always did - but usually it was me left in his wake.

Let's just say that a parent should be there to protect their children...try and shelter them from stress, anguish and physical pain. Not subject them to it.

I took a good shot in the jaw today, protecting my kids.

From someone who should never EVER be a threat to them. But was.

I don't know that I'm ready to talk about it (or that it's appropriate). But I also feel that I need to.

I'll be back. What the fuck is with this life?

2008-05-29T17:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Ty (with his totally sick & twisted sense of humor) said to me "Know who died?", then spit out some random name (I can't remember who he said) and when I went "oh no, really?" he said "nope, just kidding". He doesn't do boredom very well and this was one of his all time lows. Then our conversation continued in our usual, dysfunctional fashion as I followed up with something like "know who died?....Kurt Cobain". We're classless idiots by the way.

So when he called me today at work to say "did you hear who died?" my first reaction was a "yeah right, enough already" kind of response. But then he continued and I knew he wasn't joking.

Tragically, Luc Bourdon, of the Vancouver Canucks, died today around noon in a motorcycle accident. Apparently he lost control of his bike and hit a semi, dying instantly. He'd just learned how to ride and got his motorcycle last week.

Luc was the Canuck's first round pick in the 2005 entry draft....he was a solid, physical, two way defenceman and was earning a lot of respect in the NHL. He'd quickly become a favorite in this household and the "LUUUUUUUUC" chant was heard more than once around here (he wore Lindsay's #4 and then her other number, 28). He played for and won gold with the Canadian juniors in 2006 & 2007.

What a terribly, horrific thing. This talented young man had his whole life in front of him and it's an extremely sad day today. Hell, he helped make BFF out of Alana & I - although we started out arguing the seal hunt, we quickly found our common ground in the Manitoba Moose and guys like Luc. But hockey just doesn't seem important when a young life is snuffed out in the blink of an eye. Luc was 21 years old.

RIP Mr. Bourdon. You will be sadly missed and our heartfelt condolences go out to your family.

(Be careful Junky)

2008-05-22T17:15:00.000-07:00

We're off to BINGO again. Yes, we are. Just a couple'a wild and crazies we are.

Ty tells me that we have to go to "see our friends". Actually, the woman who sits across from us is an absolute sweetheart - Brenda's 10 years older than me and looks 5 years younger. She's very welcoming, helpful and, well, just nice.

Ty's new manfriend is "Richard". He comes every week (late). Has a bit of a routine...gets a cheeseburger, buys a whole whack of pull tabs and then sits down to do what he does (mostly win and mumble). He became a bit of a hero to Ty a few weeks ago when Brenda leaned over to him and said, "Richard, why don't you ever bring your wife with you?", to which he replied, in his southern sounding drawl, "Are you kidding me? I come here to get away from that shit". High fives from the man club. There's hockey jersey long hair guy and the two Phillipino brothers who bring their Grandma each week. And win multiple times (karma). The men are taking over.

So I was thinking about this....Bingo Thursdays, the track on the weekends, sell & play lottery tickets (including betting on sporting events), poker maniac, considering the Casino as my next job...do you see a bit of a pattern developing?

"Hi, my name's Deb and I'm a gambleholic".

The weekend's almost here again. Wahoo!....plans?

Back To Work, Really?

2008-05-20T09:59:00.000-07:00

I've enjoyed the long weekend and spending it on the go but I'm also finding it hard to shift gears back into doing something productive. I have laundry all over the place and my "to do" list (that I'm currently ignoring) is full of chores that I just don't feel like doing. Blah. My moods seem to really coincide with the weather and I only get things accomplished when the sun shines. Unfortunately, living in Vancouver means that that's not a good game plan. Sometimes it really sucks to be an adult, doesn't it? I just want to play.

One thing that I've been floating around in my little pea brain is what I'm going to do next...my job is likely done at the end of this year and it's time to start thinking about moving on soon. I have reason to believe that my boss is packing things in soon and will not be renewing her lease in the Fall/Winter. I've considered buying her out but really don't know if I want the pressure of owning my own business...it's something that my Dad would back me on, so I'm giving it some serious thought. But I've also started to look around to see what's out there in the way of employment and have recently run across a job posting that looks extremely interesting to me. I think it's a little out of my league but I've never let that stop me before. I applied (and was hired) for a job as an executive secretary when I was young and I really didn't think I had a snowball's chance in hell of getting the job at the time. Although my experience was limited, I could always sell myself with a no fear, go get 'em attitude back then. At the time, every job I'd applied for I'd got and I attribute it to the fact that my confidence level was through the roof...I think that came across in interviews. When I was interviewed for the position, my prospective boss said he liked my fresh perspective on things and felt that some of the other, more experienced applicants, were already set in their ways and wouldn't be as easy to work with so I got the position. It was an excellent job and if I hadn't tried, I would never have got it. I didn't overthink things back then like I do now...I just went with my gut and let things unfold with a "just do it" mindset. Ah, to be young.

Anyhow, I recently spent two hours filling in an online application and was at the homestretch and ready to send it when I accidentally deleted it!! I was frustrated, but took it as a sign that maybe it wasn't meant to be. But, as the deadline approaches, my horoscope has said (twice!) that I will be getting a new job and that I should "go for it". The horoscope in The Province newspaper is pretty much always bang on for me and, although I don't "refer" to it when making major life decisions, I can't ignore it. I sometimes look at it after the fact and it's strangely in line with what's happening in my life. I know, I know...the general topics that they cover are things that we ALL experience on a day to day basis and can be applied at any given time. But, for me, they're eerily reflective of what's going in my life and I just like to store the info for possible use in a rock, paper, horoscope kind of way.

I really still don't know what I want to be when I "grow up"....I've done a number of different jobs, most of them in an office environment. But I grew tired of that setting long ago and realized that I like to deal with the public and have ventured more in the direction of customer service (which is the position that I'm considering). I look at my kids and think of how lucky they are to have their whole lives, unmapped, in front of them. That they can pursue something that they're passionate about, which I never did when I was young. I just "went to work" at 16 and there was no turning back....I fell into "good" jobs from the get go, but it really wasn't what I wanted to do. Back then, my dream was to be a writer...poetry, in particular. Unfortunately, there wasn't a great demand for bad poetry at the time. Anyhow, although I'll be sad to leave my job (I love it), change is always good, right?

So are you doing what you love in life? If not, what would your dream job be?

Long Weekends Are Meant For Building & Burning

2008-05-18T10:18:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to update here but I seem to always be on the go. I do best in life when the pace is set to frantic...anything less and I lose direction. So, in order to keep me on course, something's gotta give. Mostly it's my visits to blogland and if you don't see me around your place it's not anything personal. I'm just buried in dirty clothes somewhere...please send help.

I'm happy about the long weekend...Fiona was here for a couple of days and I really enjoy the time spent with my family more than anything. As the "kids" get older, they're not always around and I realize how much I miss the laughter in the house when they're away. Ty's a frickin comedian...or at least he should be. He does impressions better than any I've ever seen and as he shifts between Borat, South Park characters and Mitch Hedberg, he keeps us in stitches. Linds and Jesse are so damn cute together and man am I thankful that my children have met outstanding s/o's. We have a hell of a lot of fun and I lap up every second of our time together.

Oh, hang on...a 4 minute high sticking penalty in the gold medal game...brb. Wahoo!!! Goal by Burns makes it 3-1 Canada!

O.K., back to the business at hand...see how I get sidetracked?

The weekend has been lazy and enjoyable so far. Friday night after work I went and bought an extra large bottle of cider for us and we headed out front (to where the sun is)...my one gripe in life is that our back/patio area loses the sun by 2 or so and there are also wasps out there. We normally don't hang out front though because the combination of traffic noise and bus fumes just doesn't work with the idea of "chilling"...but Friday night we opted to sit under the big tree and put ourselves on public display. Poor neighbours.

One big issue that my kids have with me is that I'm ~~cheap~~ thrifty. I have to be - on one wage, there isn't a lot left over for extras so, when I spotted a "stainless steel barbecue" for $10 last year at Outdoor Depot, I bought two. They've been sitting downstairs ever since...for some reason no one wanted the extra one. My Dad and Fiona both declined the offer....I now know why. (They're both WAY smarter than me)

Tyler would like to live a good life....only thing stopping him at the moment is that his current job hunting isn't working out quite as planned. But he would prefer to place himself behind a Hank Hill 2,000 pound propane cooking unit. Unfortunately, I'm a Hibachi queen and my barbecues can be carried and cost less than a case of beer. If I can make do on less, I'll do so. But there are times in life that the realization hits you - it's better to spend the extra money to get something that doesn't put lives in danger. This would be one of those times.

Anyhow, we turned the speakers towards the open windows and buckled down to the daunting task of building the Made In China beaut (that no one else wanted). I now understand why they cost $10. I really think it was about 8 dollars too much.

First of all, as Tyler was quick to point out, you just don't fit a "stainless steel" barbecue into a 16 x 20" box. Despite the manufacturer's attempt to fool me (they did), stainless steel can't be folded. Red flag. From the get go, Ty was clearly not impressed.Why the thing had to be wrapped in blue shrink wrap is beyond me...step one was to peel it away and Ty's patience with that lasted oh about 17 seconds. He then told the piece he was working on to fuck off and handed it to his lovely assistant.

(Update - it's now 4-2 Canada in the third.)

Right around this time people we knew started to pull up in their cars to see what we were doing. This was good...it diffused things before Tyler blew. Something about crooked bolts, misaligned holes and razor sharp edges just wasn't working for him. He's so picky. His friend Alex dropped by and then Dave stopped in and quickly went to work with Ty. Because two men going "what the fuck" are way better than one.

So it's a good thing that they gave us "Exploded" instructions because the regular ones just weren't enough on their own.With all due respect to the victims and, while I do understand that it's no joking matter, I now understand why all those buildings collapsed.

When Ty grew totally ~~frustrated~~ ~~confused~~ pissed off with the instructions, he cheered up with the realization that all was not lost....

....and that he could use the bbq as a Hallowe'en costume. (FTR - last year he peeled the label off a 2 liter bottle, stuck it on his t-shirt and went as Ginger Ale. Yeah, that's my boy! Genius, isn't he?)

After much head scratching, choice language and giggling from the peanut gallery, by nightfall the cooking unit was constructed and ready for action. We seriously considered whether it would melt and buckle during use but came to the unanimous decision of "screw it", which resulted in absolutely delicious strip loins, courtesy of Ty. No one was injured or killed in the process so, all in all, a good night. And a definite step up from last year's ~~fiasco~~ barbecue.

* * * * *

(And damn if we didn't just lose to Russia in OT, courtesty of Mr. Kovalchuk. Oh well, I'm happy for Ovechkin and it's great fun to watch him celebrate...by kissing other men on the cheek!? Those crazy Russians)

2008-05-12T23:47:00.000-07:00

Today my brother accepted his 2 year cake at NA and I attended in support of him. Sometimes I forget just how bad things were just a few short years ago...maybe that's not a bad thing. But it was bad - REALLY bad. The drugs had turned a warm, kind, fun loving person into a rambling, frantic maniac and I'm convinced that he was knocking on death's door. That either he'd die in an accident of some sort or be off'd by a dealer he owed money to. We certainly got the phonecalls telling us so.

Things really came to a head with us during Dad's illness (right before Mom was diagnosed) and I was considering cutting the ties with him as it was easier than watching him kill himself. I had alot on my plate and had to focus on getting Dad through chemo in one piece - I was extremely hurt and angry that he was putting the additional stress on the family. I thought he was being selfish but realize now that he wasn't capable of being anything other than high back then.

And then something clicked. His girlfriend cleaned up and he decided to give it a try and, apparently (according to his own reports), from the first time he set foot in a meeting he felt that he "belonged" there. His girlfriend laughed as she recalled his reaction after that first meeting when he turned to her and announced "I'M AN ADDICT!!". Yeah Dave, we know.

Anyhow, it's a strange feeling sitting in a room full of people who not only did drugs with Dave, but some of whom also dealt to him (and possibly even made some of those calls). Although it's not cool to discuss the details (the whole premise of NA is based on anonymity) those people, when in recovery, are some of the coolest damned people I've ever met. Honest, sincere, no bullshit kind of people and they make it comfortable to be there. The comradery in that room was unbelievable...they've got each other's backs. Heartfelt stories were swapped and they were delivered in an extremely powerful way. There are people of all shapes, sizes and backgrounds that come together - all for the sole purpose of staying clean. Some are business people, others have known only crime and time. They celebrate 30 days of sobriety and some have 27 years under their belts. Some look like they're barely out of puberty and others are well "seasoned" and scary looking. But then you hear them speak and they're teddy bears deep down. They tear up as they talk of their families and what keeps them tight is that they all have the same goal - clean living. They support each other like I've never seen before and it really makes me wish everyone were like this.

I'm extremely thankful for this program and grateful for the wonderful people who make it work. Without it/them, I'm quite sure I wouldn't have a brother. Congrats Dave...I love you and I'm proud of you. I'll always be in your corner and look forward to sharing many more cakes with you.

2008-05-11T17:43:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling sad at this very moment but this man always managed to make me smile. Damn, wish he was still here. Wish she was still here. I'll be o.k., just a momentary glitch.

I'm gonna go out now and find me some of these (free hugs).

And one more for the road, 'cause I've listened to it about 8 times tonight. Ever find that, that some nights a song just "clicks" with your mood? I never listen to this, but tonight it's "the one".

She Ain't Heavy....

2008-05-09T12:12:00.000-07:00

Thursday we all attended a ceremony at the local theater in support of Linds as she received an award. The UROC's are presented annually to young people who contribute in the community and have a positive influence amongst their peers. It also recognizes kids who face adversity and still manage to do great things in spite of it. Lastly (but certainly not least!), they acknowledge organizations and individuals who devote their time and energy to programs aimed at youth. A very special bunch of people.

It was a wonderful night and I'm extremely proud of Linds for all the hard work she's done this year. Overcoming anxiety and depression are no easy feat and, for a kid, that's tenfold. She was in a very dark place not long ago and it's taken a tremendous amount of courage and determination to get where she is now. It's always a work in progress, but she's doing great things and has so much to offer...I just know she'll do something great.

I'm extremely thankful that a few special people (at her new school) have recognized the potential in Linds and have worked with her towards realizing her dreams. She's a bright, creative kid and they've provided opportunities for her to showcase her art, photography and writing. She's been hooked up with people in the community who are involved in the local arts scene and the networking she's doing is constantly opening new doors for her. It's sparked an energy in her that the other school had extinguished...I always knew what they didn't - that, given the right tools, this kid could fly. She just needed people who believed in and supported her. Apparently, she was nominated by several different people, all who've been extremely important in her development this year and I'm extremely grateful to each and every one of them. This is the bio that they put together that was read just before she accepted her award:

Outstanding Youth

Lindsay is very involved in the community. She particularly enjoys the Creative Arts such as Art Platphorm, photography, writing, poetry and volunteering. Her works have been published in Youthink, a magazine for youth and possibly the Richmond Review in the future. Most recently, Lindsay was a very active organizer of Elev8, the Youth Week art extravaganza. All the while, she still managed to earn high marks at school. Lindsay has come a long way to overcome adversity in her life and deserves recognition for realizing her dreams and using her talents to promote arts to Richmond's youth community

Pass me a bloody Kleenex already! Seriously, I'm extremely proud of Linds and thankful to those who've surrounded her with love, encouragement and support this year. It's made a world of difference.

O.K., enough gushing....now let me tell you why my kid REALLY rocks. All the award recipients were seated in the front rows and Lindsay was sitting alone when she spotted a friend in the front row. She left her seat for a few minutes to go say hello and, when she returned, two ~~bitches~~ nice girls were seated in her seat and the one next to it. I was sitting about 10 rows up and watched as things unfolded. Linds was obviously explaining to bitch "A" that she had her seat and would have to move. The girl wasn't responding and I then watched as Linds assumed her "oh no you DIDN'T" pose (seen it many times...she practices it on me. It's kinda scary). She does not back down and that's not always a good thing. Now, my instinct was to jump up and go save her as I've always done, but I'm learning that that usually doesn't help the situation in the long run. I turned to her teacher beside me and went, "o.k., let's see how this plays out". In the meantime, a girl and her mother in front of us said they knew the girls, who were real trouble makers. Great.

The lights dimmed to signal showtime and there was Linds, hovered over dumb and dumber, who apparently still were brain dead and weren't budging. Boy, were they stupid. The longer they sat there, the lower Linds hunched over them and gave them what we like to call her "staredown". Again, quite intimidating, even though she is all of 90 pounds. You know the old "NO FEAR" saying that used to be printed on t-shirts?....that was invented for her.

Things had come to a standoff and I didn't see a peaceful resolution in sight and was getting restless in my seat as I waited for the bomb of Lindsay to go off. Normally she's very polite and respectful of others, but when she's pissed off LOOK OUT. I could see that she was quite prepared to just plant herself there for the duration.

I helplessly turned back to her teacher at that point....."what now?". She then volunteered to go down and pry Linds away and sit in another spot with her. Whew. Thankfully, no figure four leglocks were necessary and those girls didn't leave in an ambulance. Seriously though, there's something both reassuring and worrying in knowing that your kid can stand her ground. I suggested to her later on that maybe it wasn't worth the battle and that finding another seat would've taken a lot less energy. But I'm glad to know that she's no pushover.

Anyhow, a perfect night...other than the fact that the ex dropped his dog on his head (don't ask) and the woman in front of me kept falling asleep and doing the head bob. At one point her head was tilted right back (almost into my bloody lap) and her mouth was wide open (I think she might've even been drooling??!). It's possible that someone might've had a little nip or two before the event - she did provide some pretty good entertainment though.

Here are some pics from the festivities. It really was a good night:

Righty-O Vanna, just turn the damn letters already.(See that envelope behind the award? After the ceremony was over and we were heading to the parking lot I asked Linds what it was and she replied "well I was kinda hoping there was money in it". It was a write up of the bio they'd put together for her. Typical Lindsay)
Nice Ty. Why don't you show us how you really feel? (FTR: it is Ty's mission to mess up every picture he's in. To date, he's pretty much perfect). FTR, he bitched all night about the fact that I shrunk his shirt. Solution: go do your own laundry. :)
OK lovely, Linds....now time to let your guard down and show the real you........

.....................now that's the girl I know and love.

2008-05-05T08:27:00.000-07:00

Good news for a change folks!

Everything seems to be A-OK in regards to my health and I can quit worrying for awhile. Whatever it is that keeps showing up is nothing of concern to specialists, etc., so I'm good to go (although I will be following up to see exactly what it is that I saw on the ultrasound).

Life is crazy like that, isn't it? Peaks and valleys - stuff thrown at you from all different angles. It's like a test at times, to see just how much we're able to bear. And then, when we're ready to break, the storm passes.

I watched that crazy-exciting hockey game last night...anyone else see it? The Stars and Sharks battled for 4 overtime periods before the game was finally decided in the Star's favor. This is actually one of the first years that I've really taken in the playoffs...usually I'm focused on the Canucks and then I kind of drop away when they're out. But this year I'm enjoying sitting back and watching it all unfold.

I'm in Detroit's corner and if they should win it all I am in a contest that means I'll have to don a pair of wings and head out to the local park, prancing around, giving out Chris Chelios gummi bears. I'm crazy like that. How old am I again?

Everyone who entered the contest had to pick a team that they thought would go the distance. Then the people who picked the correct team all had a stunt to perform and the stunts are then voted upon. Since I'm the only Detroit entry, when they win I win. :)

Anyhow, hope everyone's well...remember, "THIS IS JUST A TEST". When you're having those moments, they too shall pass.

Take care and have a great week!

2008-04-30T19:18:00.000-07:00

My friend junky has tagged me.

Now considering that my latest reading material has been the income tax guide and the yellow pages, I reached down beside my computer desk and the book I grabbed was "MONEY PLAYERS: The Amazing Rise and Fall of Bob Goodenow and the NHL Players Association". Fitting, since it deals with issues that I'm currently discussing over on a hockey forum, in relation to our hiring of Mike Gilles (player agent in the NHL) as the new GM of the Vancouver Canucks. Strange.

So here are the goods:

Unfortunately for the NHL, the owners trusted Eagleson's appraisal. They were soon to find out what a mistake that was. Says Bob Riley, "The term 'advocate' is overused these days, but in Bob's case it's appropriate here.

Basically this book gives readers an inside look at the greed of rich NHL execs/owner, the agents and the players themselves. It gives us some insight into what led up to the 103 day NHL lockout and, ultimately, Bob Goodenow losing his job. It's hockey related, so it's all good.

But I'm not in much of a talkative mood here, so that's it.

I had my follow up mamm/ultrasound appointment and it wasn't great. I actually saw the black mark that's causing the concern and when the sonographer checked my file she did say "oh, I see you HAVE been here before...looks like maybe we're looking at the same spot again". Don't know if that's good/bad. Am concerned that maybe something that IS there wasn't followed up with properly and now it's been two years or so of wasted time. I don't know. I'm just tired. Sorry folks, I'm trying but I'm slowing having the wind sucked out of these old sails. The bills are due and the ex is late with his payment. But I don't even care.

I'll be happier tomorrow, I promise.

2008-04-29T11:34:00.000-07:00

The plan yesterday (for Lindsay's birthday) was for me to pick everyone up after work at 5:30 and then head to Dad's for a get together. Sounds easy enough?

The day was going along smoothly at work when all of a sudden the phone rang and it was Linds, she had a worried tone.

"Mom, the hospital called and you have to phone them right back about something".

Now, that's not an easy call to take.

I had to serve a customer before I could make the call - my hands started shaking and it was all I could do to get through the transaction.

I then dialed the number Linds gave me and quickly realized it was a follow up to the mammogram I had last week (that I'd long forgotten about). Whew, everyone was o.k.

The woman said I needed to book another appointment for further testing "ASAP". It was to be at a different location, blah, blah, blah.

She asked if I could come first thing Wednesday morning (I couldn't - I'm scheduled to work, although I'd find a way if it was an emergency). We booked for later on Wednesday and then I asked why the urgency. She said I had a "mass" on my right side. And then we hung up.

"OK, no big deal."

"It's just follow up"

I tried to reassure myself, but wished I'd asked more questions. Or that the robot on the other end had offered more information or the slightest bit of reassurance, which she hadn't.

I stood there, a little rattled and for the last couple hours of my shift I found myself working myself up into a bit of a frenzy. I fought back tears as I thought of "what ifs". By the time 5:30 rolled around I was a bit of a mess and thank God I could come home.

I rushed home, poured myself a glass of wine and cried.

Now I know this could be nothing and is part of the routine...if anything shows up, further testing is required. It doesn't MEAN anything.

I've been through this before...same side, same spot. There was a mass a few years ago and I was closely monitored every couple of months for just over a year. And then, without any explanations as to why, the appointments ended. Nothing was discussed with me and I assumed that no news was good news and whatever they were looking at was nothing.

But now it's back in the picture so I'm wrestling with my thoughts over this.

Was it something then and the ball was eventually dropped and now I'm a couple years in?

Was it nothing and this is another nothing?

Fuck, who needs this shit right now.

It was all I could do to keep from showing my emotion last night. The good thing was that, for Lindsay's party, it had me realize the importance of enjoying those moments with family and we laughed and danced and I focused on nothing but my beautiful family. Usually I'm an anxious flurry of organization...running around, making sure this is hot and that person's got a drink and so on. But I didn't give a fuck. I just wanted to take it all in.

Life is not a given.

What also hit me was something from my past.

Ty and I were having "a moment" once right before we learned that Mom had brain cancer. I was devastated at watching her deteriorate and the struggle she had each day. Even the simplest things were huge obstacles for her and I just felt tired for her and one night I came home exhausted, frustrated and, well, despondent.

Ty had said "well what?....do you wish she was dead?".

And, in that moment of heartache, I answered honestly and off the cuff..."Yes. Sometimes I do". I meant for her sake. To end the struggle.

It was awful for me to say that - immediately afterward I thought "did I really just say that?". But so was watching someone I loved struggle so much on an ongoing basis - life was no longer fun for Mom at that point, it was a chore.

So when my ex was being a douchebag and Lindsay's counsellors were wanting meetings and my boss was sick and needed me to cover on my Friday off (for a double shift) and my cold was getting worse and both toilets broke last week, I mumbled something about "some days I wish I were dead". I'm dramatic like that. A drama queen. It's all just venting and extremely immature.

But now I'm scared. Woops, didn't mean it.

FTR, I also said I wished I'd win the lottery.

Anyhow - I'm trying to be brave and, after talking to some people who have reassured me, feel that this is not a big deal.

But did I ever experience a whirlwind of emotion yesterday. I haven't really slept much in the past 4 days....today it's caught up with me and I feel like I could drop. I look like shit...the bags under my eyes are ridiculous.

My new line of thinking is that God's "punking" me and damn if it isn't enough already. I've had enough.

I'm back to laughing in the face of adversity today. Just try and knock me down...pfft. Good luck with that. I had another of my "dramatic" episodes (again - immature), and I phoned and left a message for the ex (after promising myself that I'm done with him and will NOT treat him like a friend anymore. "Writing him off"). I've been doing really well at avoiding anything confrontational with him and have refused to engage in any arguing. I just won't give him kindling for his fire...but yesterday that all went out the window. I needed a release and he's been so awful to me lately that I decided he'd make a good scapegoat. I left him a message and it gave ME a chance to lash out. It wasn't the right thing to do, but it sure felt right at the time. Hey, I'm only human.

I vented in his direction and told him "if I didn't get the fucking money he owed me that all hell would break loose" (whatever that means? LOL even). That I'm a damn good mother and he wasn't going to convince me otherwise. That he needs to get his lame ass act together quick or I'm done communicating with him.

Two seconds later the phone rang (it was him). Boy, that got action.

Sometimes I feel like my life's a bad soap opera that I can't get out of. But the stubborn mule in me refuses to give in to the stress and I'm rebelling today. The sun is shining and I'm saying screw the housework (again) and am heading off for a walk before work (yes - to my "spot").

If anyone needs me, I'll be at my rock. But don't call if the news is bad (please). I'm too busy trying to enjoy life to care.

:P

2008-04-28T09:31:00.000-07:00

Hi guys!

Has it been a week again? Geesh, how time flies, eh?

I've been wrapped up in a lot of stuff here and, when it comes to my kids....priorities.

Linds is in a bit of a funk and hasn't been to school in a while...it's obviously a growing concern. Thankfully, her teachers/counsellors are all over it and working with her vs. against her (like her old school used to do when she had these episodes). They're using kindness, patience & understanding and, hopefully, things will get back on track soon. I am eternally grateful for the time and effort that these people have put in to my daughter...they see the potential in her and refuse to give up. I wish every school had staff like this.

It doesn't help that her father's flaking a bit lately and using all the wrong tactics in getting her to communicate...he can be a bully at times (trust me, I know). He's decided that I've failed as a mother and that's why our daughter doesn't want to go to school. It's income tax time and he needs someone to vent on because you can't go beat up Revenue Canada. He still directs all his anger at me and I'm very much aware of that. I'm over it already and it reminds me of why I'm on my own. Now I can simply screen calls. :)

The fact that he does this really does piss me off deep down though. I'm the one here on a daily basis, putting the blood, sweat and tears in with her. I'm the one picking her up at night (and when she falls down). I meet with the school and keep them in the loop of what's happening. And he's playing "you never call me games" with her. He's skiing on the weekends and spending sunny days at the beach with his dog while I'm busting my tail. He normally comes to see her once a week, for 3-4 hours. But that's been sliding lately and he hasn't shown for a couple of Sundays in a row. He sometimes manages to undo all that I'm doing with her and knocks her self esteem to the floor without even knowing it. It's her birthday today and yesterday's mix up with him meant that she spent the day in tears instead of with him. He's usually better than this and I'm really disappointed in his behavior right now. What timing.

The school staff thinks Linds is "afraid" of moving on next year (she's finished here in June)...they said it's common for the kids to do this - to start sabotaging things in order to stay on. I'm pretty sure that's the gist of it - although she doesn't like to talk much, she has expressed concern about what next year holds for her.

Being a parent isn't easy, is it? You fumble your way through and some days are just all about "what the fuck do I do now?". I'm having a few of those lately and that explains my MIA status. Anyhow, we'll work through it but, in the meantime, I'm not making the rounds here lately, as my time is being spent trying to support this kid through her "stuff". Hope you're all well and I hope to be back soon.

* * * * * * * * * *

Happy birthday, to the most beautiful, kind, creative, compassionate daughter to ever make a mother proud. As we watched those home movies the other day, I was reminded of an easier time - a time before death and heartache arrived on our doorstep. There you were - 4 years old, singing "Ironic". Isn't it?

What makes you so special also creates pain and turmoil in you. But they just don't "get" you and, as I told you when you were young - what makes you stand alone now will also make you stand out later on. You ARE different - for all the right reasons and don't ever change. There is no cookie cutter for you - you were hand crafted and a masterpiece. Everything that is good in just the right proportion. You can make others laugh, just by being you. You see beauty in the ugliest of places. You care, too much for your own good at times. You have talent and creativity that are immeasurable. And I feel honored to know you, let alone have the distinction of being your mother.

Today will be a happy day...I'm devoted to making it so. You deserve the moon and stars - unfortunately, I can only give you love. Well, ok, and presents.

Happy birthday Linds. All the love & happiness in the world sent your way. I only hope that, in a time of gray uncertainty, you find reason to smile. Today and all days.

Love you babe,
Mom.

xoxoxoxox

2008-04-21T12:26:00.000-07:00

Deb's going crazy again...scattered, fragmented, ADD, can't focus, all over the map crazy again. No posts with any meaning. Nothing but bits & pieces.

So here's a song.

No, wait, there isn't a song here because YouTube won't allow me to embed it (a big up yours to YouTube). I did try my friends.

My kids introduced me to these guys some time ago (which is usually how it happens now). And oh, how I love them. The Black Keys that is. Well AND my kids (obviously). You should too. The Black Keys that is. I give up....anyways, you get the point! It's one of those days today.

Anyhow, go here and enjoy. (And, may I suggest that you check out other songs as well while you're there. Although this is my favorite at the moment, they really have some other great tunes. A Zeppelin meets Hendrix meets Ten Years After with a little White Stripes thrown in for good measure feel for me.)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Here's a bit about the boys, as stolen from someone else's blog (that's legal, right?). Anyhow, thanks to Nate's Triple Threat:

"This weeks spotlight is not on one great, underrated musician, but two, who call themselves The Black Keys. The name has a double meaning. The first is an inside joke - an artist friend would refer to them, and others that "just aren't right" as "black keys." The second refers to the black keys of a piano, which make up the pentatonic minor scale often used within blues songs. Both meanings fit the band perfectly as they're music is a bit different from the mainstream, but has a great raw blues foundation that makes them one of the best new bands in the last five years.

Dan Auerbach (left) and Patrick Carney went to the same high school in Akron, Ohio, although they ran in completely different crowds. They didn't get together until Dan booked time in Patrick's basement studio with his band. Nobody but Dan showed up, so the two decided to take the time to jam together and they found that their different backgrounds and styles melded together to create a sound they both loved. Dan grew up listening to blues music and learned to play to guitar with help from his uncle, a guitarist in a bluegrass band. Patrick also came from a musical family (his father Ralph played saxophone for Tom Waits), but is completely self taught on the drums. This gives a very unique and unconventional style to his drumming.

The two get to work and using Patrick's basement studio, record their first album The Big Come Up. By recording and engineering the album themselves, they're able to keep the grittiness of their music intact. This helps give momentum to the whole Lo-Fi movement that they quickly find themselves at the forefront of.

Stay tuned as The Black Keys show what hard work and perseverance can do to a music career."

2008-04-21T10:31:00.001-07:00

UGH...this is SO stupid.

So I see that when you save a post as a draft and finish it off at a later date, when you eventually do post it it becomes buried on the date that you'd started it!

I actually DID respond to a tag by Barbara B and it's about 3 posts down ("Sexiext Men in Music"). I haven't completed it so, when I do, I'll probably move the whole thing to the top. For now, you can see my top 3 below.

2008-04-20T20:54:00.000-07:00

ARGH*@%#f*&$?@%!!!

Warning - this is a poker rant. If you don't understand poker, you probably will take nothing away from this, other than Deb's a foul mouthed lunatic who should be locked up (we already know that, don't we?). So scroll past this tirade to a happier place and the pictures at the bottom. :)

* * * * *

Today I got involved in a poker tournament with 2700 registrants. Why? ~~Because I'm crazy~~ Because I have too much time on my hands (yeah, o.k.?).

It started before noon and 4 1/2 hours in, we were down to the nitty gritty stage. There were 67 people left, 27 of whom would be paid - me being one of them.

I was playing well - what I call tight aggressive. I'd accumulated about 40,000 chips and had worked my way up into the top 20. Then the shit hit the fan.

A guy at my table had 100,000 chips and was a total (mf'ing) chip bully. I hate chip bullies, unless they're me. :)

Each time someone would bet/raise, he'd come over the top to reraise, forcing the person to fold or, in some cases, push all in. He was doing that with diddly squat in his hand - just because he could. I do that too, just not every hand. It gets predictable and eventually you will get caught, as people just bide their time until they have a hand and then pounce.

Anyhow, it was my turn on the big blind and I was dealt A/10 offsuit - a fairly decent hand. The guy after me called the blind, then asshat (chip bully) did his usual stupid raise and quadrupled the blind. No problem, I called him, as did the guy after me.

The flop then came:

JACK JACK TEN

I now had two pair with the ace kicker. Again, decent hand. I was obviously scared of the Jack but, three handed, felt I had to go for it and at least test the waters with a bet.

I put out a fair size bet and, again, guy after me called. Then it was asshat's turn and he pushed me all in. Predictable. I pondered things for a minute...I don't like to be bullied or pushed into a corner. I also don't like to risk it all at this point - his massive chip stack meant I'd be out if he luck sucked out (like he'd been doing). Then again, he'd been bluffing his way through and stealing people's chips. Usually I fold in this situation but, having had enough of douchebag, I called the all in.

And wouldn't you know it?....fuckbeans had the jack - jack/nine off suit!! He made the trips and knocked me out.

First of all, that's poker...it doesn't usually upset me to be knocked out because it's part of the deal. I don't play scared and, in order to be successful, you have to take chances that sometimes involve risking it all. Had I beat him, I would've been chip leader and probably secured my spot in the money. So losing doesn't really upset me - it's often down to the luck of the draw. And you just can't try and "hold on" until the money...you'll be blinded out. You just have to be willing to play your hand.

What did upset me was the knowledge that this clown had raised my big blind with shit, as he'd done every hand. I hate idiots who play like this...it's just not good poker. Sure, once in a awhile you make a hand out of nothing and bluff bet, but EVERY FUCKING HAND?? It's annoying and the penalty should be death. Period.

I wanted to drive over this guy with a forklift.

So that ended the day - I'd blown off hours trying to get into the money and just like that it was over and the day was wasted.

Anyhow, all was not lost. I decided since it was too late for housework (you don't know the rule?...you can't start past 4) I'd head to my happy place at Garry Point. Yes, my rock - the place I always run to when life is sucking. And it was very pleasant...the cobwebs cleared and the silence up there was extremely calming (I actually taped the quiet...when I figure out how to post video, I'll put up the award winning film footage for you). For now, here are some pics....

2008-04-20T17:29:00.000-07:00

I have two other posts on the go (one's finally in answer to the tag Barb).

But, until then, this is my new girlfriend. It's a catchy little diddy (sp?). Ditty? Dieghtty?

I also like this one (even more).

Because the world needs another jagged little pill. It's high time.

MY SEXY MEN:

2008-04-19T11:49:00.000-07:00

Oh dear...now that the fog is lifting I seem to recall a tag by Barbara B way back when skinny jeans were in. So now here it is...my top 10 (? - was it 10?) sexiest male musicians:

THE TOP 3 ALLTIME (who get special attention because they deserve it):

1) Eddie Vedder: Maybe it's flashbacks from the ex, but there's something very endearing about a guy with a bottle in his hand and slurry speech, who's been known to swing from the rafters to me. Eddie's just plain cute and the more he screws up the lyrics, the better I like him. He's my all time #1 and I've been stalking him for years now. And, yes, I've had the privelege of having him take a bottle and pass it 'round (back in '91) and it was the best damn germ infested swig I've ever had. Eddie's spot in my heart is now forever etched there as, over the years and like fine wine, he's only grown better. Eddie Vedder's where it's at for me.

2) Matthew Good: Call him an asshole (another quality that seems to work for me...again, refer to my ex) - I think he's God. I'm pretty sure that this man's songs were written specifically for me and what's happening in my life at any particular time. I'm not going to be clever or insightful here - I just love the guy. He's strong yet extremely vulnerable, he's got a brilliant mind and his music's not too bad either. Again, Matthew only gets better over time and his current music is by far his best (and my favorite). He's also humble enough to be accessible to his fans via his website, which gives looney tunes like me a chance to interact with him. But his website isn't just for ogling, he has some powerful stuff to say on geopolitics and the state of the world in general. That's just added 100 bonus points. Matthew Good should be on everyone's "list".

3) David Usher: I've followed David since his days with the band "Moist" and it's been an ongoing lovefest ever since. I love his energy, his smile and, most of all, his voice. I'd waited since the early 90's to see David live and finally got the opportunity this year...let me tell you, it was well worth the wait. He hasn't slowed down a bit and he blew me away with both his enthusiasm for performing live and his ability to belt out songs from the past like they were fresh and new. His new stuff is also incredible and so is he. David Usher kicks some serious ass in the sexy man department. I'm using this clip because I was there...about two feet to David's left (the picture was taken by me). He came off the stage and climbed up on the fence/barricade, held some girl's hand for balance and did the song out in the crowd, with all us crazies. It was amazing and seeing his gorgeous smile, up close, sealed the deal for me.

As I have to get ready for work now, I'll leave you with the "Top 3".

TO BE CONT'D.......

Oh Hai

2008-04-16T15:47:00.000-07:00

I thank you, my dear friends, for helping me through "my moment". It truly means a lot that you ~~crazies~~ die hards have hung in there even though my blog is sometimes as much fun as vacuuming stairs. You're troopers and I'm happy to report that the meds have kicked in.

Anyhow, shortly after I posted, my internet died and I'd been without it ever since. Two days. Two. Whole. Days. I don't know about you, but when the internet dies here it takes a little piece of me with it. Namely, my sanity.

Ty and I were hilarious last night...we moped around like our dog was missing. TV offered nothing in the way of consoling us with anything entertaining. The choice - Priscilla Press Face Presley dancing like a buffalo or Paula's love fest over at Idol. You know TV's bad when I think about cleaning the toilet.

One thing I did have fun playing around with was IMovie. Although I couldn't access anything on the internet and I was limited to using music and my pictures, I came up with a funny little video to the Beastie Boys "Brass Monkey". The kids did get awfully tired of hearing me sing it over & over mind you (it's catchy).

So in other news I've decided that I'm 92 instead of 40 something and my new pastime is BINGO. Hell yeah...Ty and I have gone 3 times now. Last Thursday I won $800 (half a $1575 jackpot) and all the other old biddies were fit to be tied because a rookie (me) wasn't supposed to just waltz in and win the progressive pot. They hated on me all night after that and I seriously thought they might mug me in the parking lot - they were that pissed. They grumbled as they passed my chair and it didn't help my case that I didn't have a clue what I was doing either. At one point during the game Ty leaned over and said "Mom, what'r ya doing?....you're missing all the numbers". I was sick and in lala land and apparently staring at the wall just wasn't getting the job done. I'd missed about 4 numbers in a row (imagine that), so I then had to frantically try and catch up - when I did I saw that I only needed two more numbers. There were two numbers left to be called before the big, progressive pot turned into a hundred bucker so I really didn't think I'd do it. So, needless to say, it was pretty damn exciting when I did. Bingo has just moved from the lame category into my new love. I'm pro and those other seniors are just trying too damn hard. I didn't even care and I won so I think I should give them lessons on "chill out". Apparently the jackpot had been building since 1937 and the Grandmas all had plans for it (Depends and teabags) so it was a very unpopular win. Is it disrespectful to say "bite me" to 4 foot ladies with white hair and no hearing? I think not.

Anyhow, the other news around here is the firing of our GM - Dave Nonis. I don't think they gave him a fair shake and am quite disappointed about the deal, as I think, despite our crap season, that he had some good ideas and was no pushover. I actually got the inside scoop and knew about his firing before it broke on the news. An old friend dropped by to see me at work and he told me before noon....turns out another friend's sister has married Aquilini. I told friend A to tell friend B that I need to pass along some advice. They need my help.

So hope you're all o.k. I'm in much better spirits...things seem to be turning around a bit and I feel more positive than I have in years. I might even spring clean. Don't quote me on that though.

2008-04-14T10:02:00.000-07:00

Has it really been a year?

I questioned my need to do this here, to spill it. To tell it. But, for whatever reason, I want it recorded. I go back in the archives here and it's important to me to have it written down. For me.

You were always proud of my "writing it down"...my poems. My thoughts. You carried that damn submission I made to the Mother's Day newspaper contest around in your purse and showed it to everyone. Whether they wanted to see it or not (most didn't Mom). But you did.

How fitting that "your story" will be published as part of the Canuck's story....damn, you would've loved that. When that writer approached me and asked if I'd share it, I immediately felt you there. I'll carry it in my purse for you.

I want you to know that I hate curling again. Sorry Mom, can't do it without you. Why the fuck anyone would call sweeping while a bunch of assholes yell at you to do it harder "sport" is beyond me. Slavery, that's what I call it. It's why I'm separated, remember? Anyhow, you made me like it but it's a done deal now. No more. I'm back to being irritated by it.

Tennis? How fitting that Andres left shortly before you did. Don't have the same enthusiasm for that one either.

The Canucks sucked this year. Just for you. If you're not here, apparently they're not either. Meh, who cares (I do, you taught me not to lie).

Trevor's packing it in...even he doesn't want to do it anymore. See the impact you have?

I drive by garage sales now and I'm sorry to report that zillions of stuffed animals will remain homeless. No Mom, I'm not bringing them home. But I think of you every single time.

The flowers that I got were your favorites - carnations. They didn't know, but I'll never forget. I'm taking one to the river today, to throw it to you. For Christ sake, be careful...remember, you almost drowned there.

We've been watching home movies and laughing...but it's not as loud without you. You would've laughed hardest of all.

Linds and I especially liked a recent one - David ate all the pie and you called him an idiot for doing so. Call 'em as you see 'em. He really should've saved you a piece.

Ty couldn't watch (yet). He'll always be "your boy".

You told Linds she could have anything she wanted. Apparently not.

Dad's out gardening today. He pretends he's o.k. I know the real deal (and so do you)...you were his world and the first "gardening" that he did today was pick a bouquet for you. Yes, he did dig up more of the yard. And don't pretend you don't love it. ;)

You'd be proud of David. You always were though.

He just stopped by and it's hitting him hard. After he left here he phoned me to say that before he arrived on my doorstep he'd put on some random music and when this came on he lost it. (I knew, he was still wiping tears away). I told him what that song had meant to me - I'd never told him before. That, when he was down and out and we were losing him to the drugs that I'd put it on one day as I wept at my rock. I'd replayed it over and over and had then visited you for comfort. That it would always be the song about you and him for me. And that I lose it everytime. He had no idea. I asked him if he remembered that it came on during our ride back from the funeral home that day - he said he didn't. I'd quietly cried in the back seat as we rolled along the highway and I grieved for you. I also thanked God that I still had him. How fitting that it played for him today...it's exactly what you would've said to him.

I miss you Mom. I'm not o.k. but I have to be. I'm strong, like you, but inside I'm dying a little piece at a time. It's just not much fun anymore.

Anyhow, this one's for you...you loved this one.

xo

2008-04-10T23:17:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, just wanted you to know that I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, I'm just sick as a dog right now and completely wiped. Will be back when I'm feeling a little better.

I blame the Canucks and their early departure from the season...it all started then.

Anyhow, promise to post something soon (when I have the energy).

Take care.

Goodbye My Friend

2008-04-05T23:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight I bawled my eyes out as, what I'd tried to deny and ignore became a real probability. My hero, Trevor Linden, has played his last game. I'll post more about him tomorrow, when I have the will to type.

Excuse me while I go find a bridge to jump off.

2008-04-02T01:44:00.000-07:00

I swear I'm bipolar. I know I am. It is a problem and I am a fool to think that I can manage it on my own, but I do.

So I'm in one of the highs and life is good (since yesterday) periods. Honestly I can feel, on a daily basis, my mood shifting from extreme depression and hopelessness to complete elation over the simplest of things (like unclogging a clogged drain). Who else cries over shit like this? First, because I'm defeated and have tried everything and then when I am successful in fixing the problem, as I shed tears of joy. Fucking ridiculous. Pansy ass girl.

Here's what I realize though....there's much more to it than just backed up drains and plumbing problems. Although, for the most part, I'm a strong, independent (and relatively happy) woman, when things go wrong around the place that would be considered "men's work", it hits me over the head like a lead balloon at times. A real "wow, I'm all alone in this big world" kind of thing. That I may be alone forever at this point. I've given up on a relationship and, at my age, that's scary. But my relationship did that...scarred me for life and made it impossible for me to move on. To trust or feel safe. I have so much to offer, but I just can't move on. Some days the reality of it all is just too much....it blindsides me and I feel very scared and alone. (And then a hockey game comes on and I get over it and it's all good again). But, in those moments, I feel very small and vulnerable.

Being a single mother is a very big responsibility...if it were just my own happiness at stake, it'd be easy. It takes very little to keep me happy and I'm a simple person really. But it's so much more complex when you have others who depend on you or, as they grow older, at least need you to be strong and stable. Some days I don't feel that way.

I don't take anything for granted lately...when you've experienced a lot of trauma, death, and devastation, that happens. You become very thankful for the little things - things as basic as having a place to wash your face. Seriously. I've actually thought (lately), "it could be worse....I could be homeless". How's that for living? I try and put things in perspective when I'm feeling sorry for myself...there's always something worse and we've got to take comfort in what we do have instead of focusing on what we don't. But some days the don'ts just keep steamrolling me and I have to crumple up into a ball and rock myself to sleep. Luckily, I don't have many of those. But this week's been a doozie.

I just wish that life were easier at times...that I could go on a vacation and let the waves wash up over my feet as I lay in the warm sand. That I'd have a string of "good" days that would keep the faith rolling, keep me in the positive. Every time I think "o.k., this is it" and that I have to think myself into a good life and that my state of mind is up to me - something happens in the "wtf" department and it's all just too much. It kicks me back down and I take one step forward, only to be knocked on my ass.

What a roller coaster ride this life is. I didn't sleep last night....long story involving Linds. She was having a rough time and we worked through it together...we watched the fucking Food Network all night. She says I fell asleep at 5 - I know that she was up until 6. so tell me how that happens? Anyhow, my kids are everything to me and, in a roundabout way, that's what this post is about.

I'm over it now. It's all good (except my God damned hockey team).

Oh, and speaking of hockey (were we?....bear with me, it's that time of year)...happy (belated) 80th birthday to Gordie Howe. I had a special post all done up but had my head under a sink and just never got it done. It's the jumbled, messed up thought that counts, right?

2008-03-30T14:33:00.000-07:00

It's kind of depressing when you find out who your true friends are and discover that some who you'd put in that category actually would leave you in the dust. When you weed through, sometimes it's revealed that the ones who you thought had your back really don't give a flying fuck. Who knew? (screw 'em)

Long story.

I'm not doing great...this time of year is killer for me (I miss my Mom more than words can say) and I'm also experiencing a lot of shit in this hellhole condo that I am SERIOUSLY considering blowing up soon. Backed up drains, fucked toilets (at 2 am) and I'm not in the mood. This is what I've done to my drain over the past 48 hours:

1) Coat hangered
2) Drano'd (both the "industrial strength" gel and the old school crystals. I should snort them).
3) Coat hangered again
4) Baking soda'd & vinegar'd
5) Baking soda'd & red wine vinegar'd
6) Baking soda'd & balsamic vinegar'd
Salad anyone?
7) Chanted and prayed around it
8) Sworn at it (alot...I have "FUCK" perfected to a groan that just barely comes out as a word...."fu-Ughckkkkk").

Detroit better win or some heads are gonna roll.....

(I'm having some wine, so my mood should drastically improve before I get back from the laundromat. Either that or the place will fucking blow)

2008-03-25T10:09:00.001-07:00

Would someone please get my ass back into work before I kill someone or blow something up? I'm dangerously unfocused and, quite frankly, a little lost without a daily routine.

Last night when I got in I decided to replace the lightbulb inside the back door because ~~I'm fucking crazy~~ I was 5 for 5 in the burnt out department and in complete darkness down there. That was working for a minute, as the light from the outside would stream in through the window and make things barely navigatable (I made that word up - don't look it up). But tonight, when I arrived home in the dark and that light had also bit the big one, I was forced to perform a bit of a blindman's obstacle course to get inside the back door and through the junk room. As amusing as that was, it just wasn't going to work for the long haul so I figured it was high time that I got to the daunting task of changing light bulbs. How many tired, overworked single mothers does it take to change a light bulb?...None. They won't fucking do it because they're too busy, so deal with it.

Anyhow, I'm going green so I'm currently replacing the regular, energy sucking 8 day bulbs with CFL's. The pack I opened was a 2 pack and I took them both out then thought, as I walked down the stairs into the darkness carrying them in either hand, "this is probably not a good idea...I should've just brought one down at a time". I then sloughed it with an afterthought, "yeah, right, like I can't even carry two lightbulbs at once. Heh.".

Fool.

I clambered up onto a chair and got the first lightbulb in place over the back door and then it happened....my brain froze (again). "SPLAT"....the other bulb dropped out of my left hand and exploded everywhere. Now, I've recently read up a bit on these bulbs and wasn't sure if they're the right way to go because they do contain mercury and can be quite harmful if broken. "But I won't break them"....my ever lyin' inner voice told me...it thinks that I'm capable and sure handed. (IT's an idiot and obviously knows nothing about me).

"OK, well this sucks". I couldn't remember what to do, other than air out the area and cry....the back door flew open as I ran up to the internet, which is what I do right before I call 911. I grabbed some gloves and went back down after 15 minutes of fresh air to begin the painstaking game of find the broken shards. Of course, there's carpeting and a whole pile of shit down there, so it was a needle in a haystack good time.

My favorite (only good) shoes were the worst victims...they were violently attacked and were riddled with pieces of broken bulb. It couldn't be the ugly camo loafers with a velcro strap (what WAS I thinking?)....NO, it had to be the shoes I wear every fucking day and feel like I'm not wearing shoes at all. I was forced to throw them out and will now be barefoot until I get my ass to the mall and I do that as often as I change bulbs, so I hope the snow has stopped for good.

Now, I'm not sure if you're all aware of this, but when you break one of these bulbs it's important NOT to vacuum it up...the vacuum will then send the dust everywhere and you will instantly die from inhaling the vapors (well, not really, but last night I thought so). Have you ever tried to clean up a carpet without vacuuming it?...it's like telling a person with their jaw wired shut that they can't use a straw. It ain't happening. Anyhow, after an hour and a half of colorful language (fuckenshiznickler is also not a word), I managed to get rid of anything that was in the line of fire. Getting rid of the carpet, a suggested remedy, was not an option, as it's wall to wall. I actually considering burning the place down...it would solve so many problems. Damn inner voice again.

I'm now re-evaluating the purchase of these hand grenades and am pretty much sold on the "fuck the environment" line of thinking and will go back to my favorite cheap bulbs. When I compare the two options, something that requires a HAZMAT team and sealed containers for disposal somehow doesn't seem environmentally friendly or a good idea to me. Plus, my kid's health over rules everything and I ain't saving the world until they're looked after. Sorry folks, just the way it is.

I did sort of over react (I think) when my Dad phoned last night and I was having a panic attack and was near tears. When he asked me what was wrong (yes, it was that obvious), I said "OHMYGODPLEEEEEEEEASESAVEME, I BROKE A BULB AND IT'S IN MY SHOES AND EATING THE FLOOR AND SUFFOCATING ME WITH IT'S FUMES AND I'M GONNNNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIE DAD". He quickly calmed me down - amazing how reasonable people can do that. And then I went on the internet and didn't feel like such a drama queen after reading the story about the ~~idiot~~ woman who sealed off her kid's room and then coughed up two grand to have a professional team come in and clean up the mess. It's a lightbulb lady. Even I know better.

So today's a new day and I woke up feeling much better, only to make a pot of coffee that is swimming in grounds. Then I sat down to respond to some comments and my blog rejected me as the armed, word verification police asked me the password for entry, which is a question mark. Ha, got me. I'm sure this all means GO BACK TO BED.

I need my happy place because the world's a scary place (when I'm in it). Something about being around 92 year old senile people in diapers makes me feel very at home and in my zone. This time off has nearly killed me.

I leave you with our aquarium pictures and please be in awe that I didn't fall in the shark tank. I rule, don't I?

Oh and click on them to make them bigger. Frickin' magic.

This was Lindsay's reaction when she saw this........
and apparently I need to buy her one for her birthday

..........Yes, I do tend to have that effect.....

"Ahhh, this is the life." Whitenoise?.......that you?
Dude, seriously.....I know how you feel.