Monday, April 02, 2007

The hospice visits get harder each night...last night I sat quietly with tears streaming down my face for most of the visit. Mom can't really see anymore, her right eye isn't open at all and her left eye struggles to open and it's actually quite disturbing. When it is open it's fixated and often looking the other way. She struggles to get words out now and each one ends up being like a stutter that rolls into a slur and she joins them together and nothing makes sense. I just pretend it does and continue the conversation because, I can tell, she's scared as shit and somewhat aware that her words don't sound right. She reached her hand out and I held it last night and could feel her whole body trembling through it. Fuck death and taxes.

There was another death and each time I enter the doors and see a vacant room with the nametag gone it chills me to the core. I asked the nurse and she confirmed it with a nod. That's two recent ones...apparently (and I tend to believe this) there are more deaths in hospices/palliative wards around the full moon than at any other time. When Mom was still in hospital they had four in one week, which is when the nurses told me this statistic.

I know this is totally depressing, but it's reality for me right now.

* * * * * * * * * *

In "lighter" news...Dad called yesterday morning from the hospice and this is how things went down:

Dad: "Hi, you busy?"

Me: "No, why?...what's up?"

Dad: "you know that food you left here for me in the fridge? I'm eating it now and was wondering if you could bring me some ketchup?"

Me: I hesitated for a minute and thought to myself "they have ketchup there, don't they?". But, knowing that Dad's having a very difficult time right now and spends all day at the hospice, I wasn't going to question him. He does everything for me, so it was my turn to reciprocate. "Sure, I'll be up there in a few".

And we both hung up and I went to the fridge.

The phone rang again.

Dad: "Oh, April Fools".

(got me)

He said he knew I'd figure anything else out but if he asked me for something that I'd just agree to do it.

Ty got me later in the morning. I'm so not on the ball.

* * * * * * * * * *

How cool is this? For us MattGoodgirls, this is what makes him stand alone. He did this in his loft last's a favorite song of his at the moment and (apparently) reduces him to tears. Amazing.

And here's one more (that I just discovered/love). So, if you've loved it for a million years already, I know...I'm a little slow.


Blogger traceylee said...

Deb I know it's hard but hold on to your faith and your mothers hand and give it that extra squeeze.

Nice to hear that your dad got you.

12:38 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

thanks're so kind. Dad & I have always been "the team"...I'm lucky to have him.

1:26 PM  
Blogger Toccata said...

Deb, I think your dad is lucky to have you too! Your mother certainly is. You take care and just know you have a whole fan base out here sending you our thoughts and warm wishes.

2:18 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

tc!!!...I'm so glad to hear from you. Hope you're feeling better now. See, just you being here cheers me up.

6:56 PM  
Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

How do you keep doing it, Deb? Your strength and your love must be such a comfort to both your mom and dad.
And bless your dad for zinging you - his is the only APril Fool's prank I heard of this year.

That's a wonderful video of Matty - my god his voice is sounding great.

9:06 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

Hey Barb, I'm a little slow here. Matt's voice is sounding great...I'm glad he's pulling it together and moving forward.

I was more than happy to be zinged by dad...not enough light moments like that lately.

12:31 PM  

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