It's funny how a missing family member can completely change the relationships of the remaining members. Some grow stronger/closer while others seem to be strained and just aren't seem the same......

I counted on you and it was usually times like this that you'd give me a hug and help me through. It's not a competition to see who loved her more, who hurts more. I just know I ache. And that you've grown cold. At first I thought you needed your space, that time would get it back on track. But it seems this is the new "us" and I'm not sure I like it. I never would've thought it would be like this. I'm floored, saddened, confused and basically crushed inside. And she was always the one to figure it out for me - make sense of it all when you weren't. It's too soon for me to go rifling through her stuff, "picking" what I want/don't want. I want her here, that's what I want. I don't care about waltzing around town in her "good" clothes. I don't want to see how nice the room looks. Maybe one day, but not today.

I never would've thought this. Ever. And it's somehow like I've lost both of you.

God I wish she was here to make a silly joke about it all.

I miss you Mom.

XO