Sunday, April 29, 2007

It's funny how a missing family member can completely change the relationships of the remaining members. Some grow stronger/closer while others seem to be strained and just aren't seem the same......

I counted on you and it was usually times like this that you'd give me a hug and help me through. It's not a competition to see who loved her more, who hurts more. I just know I ache. And that you've grown cold. At first I thought you needed your space, that time would get it back on track. But it seems this is the new "us" and I'm not sure I like it. I never would've thought it would be like this. I'm floored, saddened, confused and basically crushed inside. And she was always the one to figure it out for me - make sense of it all when you weren't. It's too soon for me to go rifling through her stuff, "picking" what I want/don't want. I want her here, that's what I want. I don't care about waltzing around town in her "good" clothes. I don't want to see how nice the room looks. Maybe one day, but not today.

I never would've thought this. Ever. And it's somehow like I've lost both of you.

God I wish she was here to make a silly joke about it all.

I miss you Mom.



Blogger Women on the Verge said...

oh deb, I wish that I could do something to help ease your pain... I'm thinking of you.



7:39 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

Thanks E....well the sun came up this morning despite my sadness and we'll try again today. I think that I was hit by a wave in the stormy sea and that reality is sinking in now.

Everyone handles this stuff differently - the person who wasn't accepting my need to take things slowly realized that they were pressuring me and called/apologized this morning. That helped a lot.

I'm expecting the roller coaster ride to continue for awhile as her presence is deeply missed.

8:28 AM  
Blogger junky said...

Lost an Uncle this morning, and they biopsy some of the spots in my Dad's lungs Wednesday, so if you feel the need to vent more, hit me up.

4:58 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

junky....hey, that works both ways, k?

Sorry about your uncle...I seriously feel your pain. Hope things work out with your Dad, that's scary stuff. Ha, and my Dad goes in Wednesday too. Guess we're never really alone in all this stuff, huh? Fucking death and taxes.

6:35 PM  
Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

I'm so sorry for your pain.

8:10 PM  
Blogger Allison said...

I'm sorry for your pain too Deb. Sending you a hug.

8:42 PM  
Blogger Toccata said...

Deb, I am so sorry for your loss and grief. Take care my friend.

2:33 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

thanks my make it so much easier. I love that you're helps me more than you know. Hugs to all of you.

6:40 PM  

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