Friday, May 04, 2007

You Can Never Go Back (and who'd really want to)

I'm feeling really lazy in the blogging department. I'm kinda' tired...I think after you've been through something traumatic it takes awhile before it really hits you. But, when it does, it comes with full force and delivers a knockout blow. And I think I'm feeling that right now, pretty severely. I'm giving in to the tired and after work I'm pretty much just flaking out/relaxing. It feels good - I need it. Plus, with these gorgeous days here, I've torn myself away from my dark little computer corner and am actually getting fresh air. Nearly sent my system into shock, but I'm adjusting to it!

Today after work I went up to my favorite spot to catch some sun and reenergize. I was walking along when I noticed Charlie (the ex's dog), running up the trail toward me (he likes me better...heehee). Then, not far behind him, my ex and his ol' drinking buddy rounded the corner. They laughed and said they were just talking about me (hhhmmm) and seemed quite surprised to see me there (even though they know it's my favorite stomp - they, on the other hand, live in another city!). "N" (the drinking buddy) was a bit of a mess and I was saddened by this. The ex had warned me he'd gone was still shocking to see nonetheless. Although we'd always had a bit of a power struggle over K, somehow I'd always found N quite endearing. He was pretty rough around the edges, a sourpuss at times, but he was good to his mother and he loved kids and animals. And, for some strange reason, he thought I was the cat's ass. Which created some conflict (although I never played into it). His girlfriends all were flakes who messed around on him and he could never figure out why I was so loyal to K.

N was a big part of our history from the time we were teens. He and K were best friends and I was K's girl...shouldn't be any problem with that but somehow there always was. And it wasn't from my end - he just felt threatened by me somehow. One thing that was always a big stickler for him was that I could water ski better than he could. He and K were phenomenal dirt bikers and when K got a boat they were supposed to rule that area as well. But I took to it right away and that damaged N's male ego. A girl wasn't supposed to show him up. It was actually pretty pathetic.

Back then I totally gave K his freedom and he abused it. I'm talking about later on down the road, when we had a four year old and a newborn and K & N would disappear for days on end on binges. It wasn't good and, in the end, I'd had enough. I'd save a warm plate of food and have it thrown at me in a drunken fury. K was a mess back then too...his Dad's sudden death threw him into a tailspin and it was not pretty. N owned a shop (auto repair) and always had motorcycles and high performance cars pulled apart and the guys spent a lot of time there. Which had always been cool with me, until the kids factored in and rarely saw their father after work. And the shop turned less about working on vehicles and more about getting hammered. Looking back, I know I did the right thing by not supporting K's self destruction though, at the time, he fought me all the way on it and it was an awful time in my life.

N went back to the beginning with K and I (which was a long time - we were 13) and, as much as I'd resented him at times for being so involved in our life/marriage, it was good to see him again. He seemed really sincere and kept expressing how happy he was to see me...he actually kept saying he wished he had a video camera to capture the moment, that he couldn't believe that we were all back together again. It was kind of flattering. And he kept saying that he missed the old days, when I was involved with them. But, the more I saw the two guys together, the more I realized that things hadn't changed much and that they probably never would. I had two beer with them out by the river and, although we shared a few laughs and I enjoyed reconnecting like that, it sure showed me that I'm better off on my own. Even though life on my own is a struggle at times, I wouldn't go back in time for anything. The ex has changed a whole lot but, put him back in his old surroundings and he's back to square one. And the beauty is that now, when they start getting on my nerves, I can say "see ya" and be gone. But, if just for a minute, it was good to go back in time and talk about the crazy days of being carefree and wild.

(He's one of the guys in the jumping off the bridge pic that I posted some time ago. K, N, me and the guy who committed suicide. What a mix.)

If nothing else, the impromptu meeting reconfirmed that I made the right move back then. That, although the days of wine and song were something I'd never trade for anything, I'm happy with where I'm at now in my life. Sometimes it's hard being alone but, after a few short hours with "the guys", I'm flooded with memories of a time involving immense heartache and even more loneliness than I feel now, on my own. I will survive after all.(In this pic we were camping in the rain - that's N and another friend building a fire for Ty & I as K entertained bimbos and idiots not far offshore on his boat. Dig the 90's hair I'm sporting).


Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

90's hair or not, you've sure got great legs!

What a bittersweet afternoon you must have had. All that reminiscing, that comfortable old comradery, but the reminder that you were lonelier back then than you are on your own. That speaks volumes. You are certainly on the right path.

And give in to the emotions and fatigue you are feeling right now; as you mentioned, it hits you when it hits you - there is no schedule.

7:01 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

Barb, I always find your comments so reassuring. Sometimes I question my posts after I've done them and then I come here to see that you understand.

I'm totally giving in to the fatigue, although it's my nature to fight it and go, go, go.

Today was a write off...I'm going to post about it (because that I can do sitting down, without exerting much energy!).

8:53 PM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

Talking about the first bit of your post... if they live in another city what on earth were they doing walking their dog in your favourite haunt? Sounds pretty strange to me ...

Men are all pathetic. Women are pathetic too, only in a different way ..! Actually human beings are all pathetic and spend great swathes of their lives pretending not to be. (Well that's MY view.)

Right I'm off before I dig myself into a real hole .......

4:03 AM  
Blogger B said...

i have to say Deb, i am always in awe when i stumble upon someone willing to be as open about things in a blog as i have been (and often still am). i like the raw bare exposed emotion you have shared here. as a total stranger, it touches me to know there are indeed other beings on this earth capable of expressing such things with out fear. (in case you have no idea what i mean, April 2006 i left a 7 year relationship that was far far far from ideal and blogged very openly about the adjustment... heck i'm still adjusting.)

big smoochies to you darling.

1:31 AM  

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