Sunday, January 04, 2009

Some people are just flat out donkeys.

They can't be taught, reminded, fixed or saved. They're asses and totally oblivious as they go about their business, usually pissing off everyone around them. They think they're awesome.

That would be the case with my neighbour, Ed.
Oh wait, wrong Ed...although I do see some likeness here.

Without going into too much detail, he's the reason I got on our strata council. I didn't trust that he could do the job, he'd proven he couldn't. He needs babysitting and, not only is he a fathead, but he's a sly, conniving, lying jerk too. (They're the worst kind.)

He's about 60 and lives with his (really homely) wife. The picture (above) isn't a far stretch. She's also a total bitch. I think she's a spindly old school teacher - that or a cranky librarian. Not that it really matters, but when you're douchebags, it doesn't help that you have buck teeth and are ugly. Ugly is o.k. with me, just compensate for it with niceness. Try harder. If the attitude matches the ugly, then you've failed (miserably).

Anyhow, way, way back (when I first got my Volvo), Ed announced that he belonged to the "Volvo club" (he had two of them). And, when I began experiencing problems with my car, he offered to "go under my hood". He was creepy though and I suspected that he was referring to more than just my car, so I politely declined his offer.

Ed copped an attitude with me after that. And, because he was on council, he used that position to send me messages. When my mother was dying, he harassed me because I refused to let contractors in (unannounced) on a Sunday at 5 p.m. I was heading to the hospice at the time. He questioned my "priorities" at that point (what a goof)...it was fun watching him pry his fat foot out of his mouth when I matter of factly said "my dying mother is my priority Ed. Get over it". I probably should've added "loser", but I didn't. Things got ugly between us and, at one point, I threatened to get a lawyer on his ass if he didn't start playing by the rules. He backed off (somewhat) for a time.

Before things began to really boil over, little Ed and his man wife were kept in line by my two friends next door. They were also on council, one of them the longstanding President. At the time, whenever Ed would start to act up, they'd slap him upside the head and tell him to back to his corner. They were my best friends in the complex - we'd shared a front porch for 15 years and they were beautiful people. Ed was scared of them...two, 300 pound 70 year old lesbians who swore like truckers and had served in the Air Force. They carried around field hockey sticks and if there was a disturbance outside, they were quick to get out there and investigate. They were fearless and Ed didn't mess with them (or me, when they were around). He sheepishly behaved. It was always fun to watch him grovelling around them, tail between his legs. But, when they passed away, Ed and his groggy old friends took over and started to run things according to what worked for them. It quickly grew out of control...the manpower was too much and they were giddy with it.

Anyhow, over the years, Ed's cronies have slowly died or moved away, making room for a kinder, more gentler council. The old gentleman's club that used to run things by overruling majority votes based on nothing more than "we didn't like the results", are slowly fizzling out. Ed's one of the last remaining idiots on board.

The new people are great...mostly they're from my end of the complex (the "good" end). We all work together to make it a real "community" in here, at least at this end. The other side still pretty much sucks. Stuck up busy bodies who care only about themselves. It's like two different worlds - the easy going, laid backers vs the prisspots. I've mentioned this in previous posts and things have not changed.

So here's the deal with this post...Ed is at the other end of the complex (thank God) and usually parks out front of his place on the road, around the corner from us. We do have a shared parking area out back, which is divided into two sections - one section for this building, the other for Ed and the stiffs. During the recent snowstorms, the people at this end have all shared the snow shoveling duties and have taken turns clearing each other's walkways, the sidewalks and the parking area. It's all clear down here.

Now, I'll give you one guess what Ed's end looks like?

Yep, total shit.

I think there may actually be polar bears down living there at this point. They've done NO shoveling down there, opting instead to let the drifts pile up and taking the big risk that no one breaks their neck or crashes into the building. When I drive out of the lot, it's clear sailing until I hit the speedbumps at that end, at which point I do a sideways slide out into the road. Cool the first couple of times, but enough already. It's a mess and they don't care down there. It's work and unless someone coughs up some money to hire someone, they'll just pretend the snow's not there. Apparently they're above shovelling.

So today when I looked out into the parking lot as I was pouring my coffee I couldn't believe what I saw. No fucking way. Did he really have kahonas THAT BIG?!?!

There it was, in broad daylight for all to see......

ED'S CAR...

snuggled into one of our clear spots!!!


One that we've gone out there, every single day, to shovel for our families/guests. Bad backs and all. So that he could weasel his way in there!

Let me see if I've got this straight....he's let the snow pile up so much in front of his place that he can no longer get to the curb to park. So he's driven in, all the way to this end - past all the snowy spots in his parking area to take one of our spots. One of the ones I cleared FOR MY DAD TO PARK IN when he comes!! Holy fuck, it's on now.

Now perhaps this is too much for his little peabrain to grasp, but these spots are clear because we worked HARD for weeks to keep them this way. We braved the freezing cold and got soaked to the bone after work, busting our asses out there so that WE could park there. While he sat his plump little ass in an easy chair, staring out the window at us as WE SHOVELED TO BEAT SHIT, he thought we were doing it FOR HIM?! Seriously? He's that stupid?

Newsflash Ed: WE DIDN'T DO IT FOR YOU. YOU LAZY DICK. GTFO.

I have a good mind to go out there and shovel a big mountain of snow right behind his back wheels. Anyone got a spike belt handy? Seriously.

You have to understand a little more about Ed's thinking to see why this is a problem. Why people get rattled when Ed doesn't think. His "contributions" here and how he acts as a member of our little community. Why most people want to stab him with a fork.

When we were having problems with thieves in the area who were entering the property and stealing bikes, etc. the past few summers, Ed was the guy who reported "seeing" them from his window. "Not my problem". Didn't go out there and question or confront them. Call the authorities to report them. He just WATCHED as they headed down to this end and stole things from our carports. Awesome. My friend Caesar and I challenged him on this admission..."you WATCHED? WTF?!?!" Way to take one for the team, neighbour. Good thing you've got our backs. *insert eye roll here*

But that's how Ed thinks. If it's not bothering him, then why bother? It's not a bother.

Ed's not real popular around here. He brown noses, slithers and slimes his way through life. When he started to recognize the shift in power on council that was happening, he also started wandering down to this end to "socialize" with the newcomers on council around that time. He never gave them the time of day before - just when they became council members. He's swarmy like that.

I'm sitting here thinking that I should probably just let this stuff go - that it's not a big deal and it's hard on the blood pressure. But it's Ed's car in my guest spot, so I can't help feeling like I want to blow it up. And I might.

To be cont'd.....

8 Comments:

Blogger Alana said...

Not sure what it's like elsewhere, but if you park in a snowplow zone here, which is pretty much every front street in the city, past a certain time of day, the plow drivers purposefully push mounds of snow around all three exposed sides of your car and box you in. There's commercials warning everyone about it, so it's legit when it happens.

I suggest you do the same thing to Ed the Ass.

(and subsequently feel great about it)

11:20 PM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

Re the horseheadmarriedscarey guy: you've just reminded me why I hate humanity and still occasionally fantasize about being sole human survivor of some deadly virus thereby having the run of the entire planet to myself!!

11:18 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

Alana. You are brilliant. Man, I don't like to be such a whiner, but the guy has driven me nuts for years and I didn't think it was possible that he could actually get worse over the years.

Gled...yes. Me too...which I why I spend most of my time here at home - with you guys and my kids. The Eds of the world really ruin it for the rest of us, don't they?

12:00 AM  
Blogger LaLa said...

Hi Deb! I feel awful. I had totally abandoned my blog, thinking no one would notice and/or care, only to log on tonight and see you were worried about me! I'm really sorry, but happy to tell you I'm doing really well. I finished all my treatments and have been in remission since Sept. '06. I've started looking for a new (and better paying) job and still having shit luck with men (some things never change). I'll be sure to pop in from time to time and see how you're doing. Wishing you all the best in '09. Take care. ~ LaLa

5:52 PM  
Blogger busterp said...

You tell a good story. Maybe you should freelance at the local paper. Keep Ed in his place as I know you will. With your characters, I'd watch your life at the apts as a TV show, really, especially the two ladies sharing the porch - reminds me of mumsy - she is really straight (as mom's go) and had two lesbians living in the house across the street. She ended up loving them and they helped her out at times when local politics got a bit edgy. Good luck.

11:54 AM  
Blogger Whitenoise said...

Naw... you gotta make an issue of this. Tell him he moves it or he gets a bill for parking in a shovelled spot... ;-)

1:57 PM  
Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

Time to accidentally key his car, I think.

8:35 PM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

hey Debs how's it going?

11:32 AM  

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