If You Wonder Where I Am....

There’s something very cruel in finding out a loved one is dying and you can do nothing about it, except to watch them suffer to the end. Someone who’s been there for you, in your corner, unconditionally throughout your life. The one who thinks you’re perfect and the funniest, most talented person on earth.

The news at the oncologist the other day caught me (us) off guard. I'd booked the appointment to take Mom in, mostly so I could learn, firsthand, what was happening with her. We'd been "in limbo" as no one was contacting us with any directions on what we should be doing next. I've learned that no news isn't necessarily good news - it just means the doctor's office has fucked up and the file is at the bottom of a big pile. Yep, I was right...on the very bottom and God knows how long we would've waited - scary thing is knowing someone could run out of time waiting. Perhaps the receptionist doesn't find our file important, but somehow she should. We're not talking a stubbed toe here, this is serious shit. (Note: if I've learned one thing through all of this stuff with Mom and Dad, it's don't sit back and "wait" for doctors....be proactive and demand things happen. The waiting could have serious results.)

Perhaps it was the cold demeanor, the complete lack of “bedside manner” of the doctor when he threw out things like “cancer”, "it's grown" and “hospice”. What he basically seemed to be telling us was "there's nothing we can do”. Radiation would make her physical state worse. Surgery was not an option. And it was all presented to us with a total lack of compassion, no extra words thrown in for comfort...hell, the doctor barely turned his head to look at us. I understand that they must remain unemotional and not sugar coat things, but this was ridiculous. He delivered his words with a complete lack of empathy and like someone reading off the day’s weather report. When we returned home and I told Dad of the callous nature of this man (who’d been ordered to take a medical “leave” when he was his oncologist), Dad reported that he’d experienced the same indifferent attitude. That, when he went in for his cancer diagnosis, Dr. Yun’s very matter of fact statement to him was “we’ll treat it but, if it comes back, you’re gonna’ die. I’ll give you six months, tops”. Now that might work for a caddy telling the golfer, “you’re gonna’ miss by a foot if you use that club”, but this is someone’s life we’re talking about here. I’m glad he can be so matter of fact when telling someone of their fate. Geesh, where do these guys get their training....boot camp?? Now, don’t get me wrong - I understand the rationale behind frank talk from doctors who don’t want to provide false hope but MY GOD, there’s got to be a better way. This man hardly turned his chair to face us as he dealt repeated blows that were like uppercuts to the throat. Talk of Mom’s growing tumors was like that of the day’s rain..very detached and monotone. Up until this point, we were unsure if they were benign or malignant....I guess we got our answer. He kind of bashed us over the head with it - it just wasn't quite how I'd expected to hear it (though there's really no easy way to tell someone they have inoperable brain cancer and they should buckle down for a rough ride). Somehow, a softening first, perhaps with some encouraging words thrown in for good measure, would've been more appreciated. Maybe I'm just wanting someone to be angry at. He made it easy to be him. He didn't use an ounce of compassion or comfort. I welled up as Mom tried to be strong and was confused by what was being said. Fuck, I wasn’t. Not one single bit.

So, with all of this on my plate, you'll notice my presence here will be sporadic, choppy, and mostly involve visiting other's blogs. I just don't have the drive right now to do much more than that. I'm not wanting to "dwell" in misery and unhappiness, so I'll probably look for silly things and good music to turn my attention to. I'll keep the negative shit right here at home.

(Oh yea, my ex, who's been like my best friend decided that this would be a good week to completely fall off the wagon and be a dick. Caught me off guard and what good fucking timing he has. Some things never change I guess. Good thing I'm a tough old bitch.)