Monday, January 22, 2007

As someone observed elsewhere, I don't sleep much. And it's becoming a concern to me because I don't want it to develop into something that's out of control. I've always been one that can get by on 5-6 hours and bounce out of bed cheery and raring to go. But lately it's that I can't sleep and I know that it's just my mind not shutting down. No biggie, just the guy's comment made me assess things a bit. Plus, I've been wondering if I'm turning into a weirdo because I tend to find comfort in the glow of my monitor and come here when I realize that my attempts to sleep are fruitless.

I just got this computer a year ago and, as many of you know, I inherited it from a friend that I'd looked after who had lung cancer. Before I did, I just didn't "get" why people spent so many hours in front of theirs....a good friend of mine was on hers every time I went over to visit (which was often). I knew it was getting bad when I showed up one day and she was in her living room on a gorgeous sunny day with a big quilt over her head. "What the hell are you doing Mar?" was quickly answered with, "I can't see the monitor because of the sun". O.K.?!

My kids too....I'd remark on how I couldn't understand their wasting hours on the computer and now look who's doing it. I know it's not's absolutely addictive in a sense. But, for me, it provides some solace at the moment and in the wee hours when I'm feeling really alone I know there's always someone here (the beauty of time zones). I've been on my own for a long time now and am a bit of a loner. That's by choice - I like it that way. I spent my youth being wild and surrounded by people and I enjoy the solitude now. Or at least I did.

Please, if you notice I'm arriving on your blogs at all hours and repeatedly, don't think I'm a crazed stalker. Or drunk. I'm struggling with my lonliness, which is new for me. I think the time spent in the dark, at mom's side, is getting to me and I'm just reaching out...for something. It's made me question things and really delve into what I want out of this life. And I think it's more than what I've been negotiating for lately.

I'm tired of the "heaviness" of it all and want to lighten things up...which is why I find other's blogs more accomodating than my own. When I get here it involves typing and that involves writing and that means I spill it.

It's like I'm being split into two right now...there's Deb, the content nutty, happy go lucky person who loves everyone/everything. Then there's Deb - the hermit who doesn't sleep and spends much of her time worrying alone in the dark. It's such a contrast and it's creating an inner struggle. I'm bound and determined to get out of this funk, I'm just not knowing how. And I've always known how before. I think the bottom line here is that I've always been a very strong woman and it's catching up...I want to be taken care of instead of the caretaker. I want someone to put their arms around me and say, "it's gonna' be alright".

Nobody wants to read/hear someones continuous whining/problems. It's just not fun. And so it's been said before by me, I'm going to probably (mostly) just be a pain in the ass at your blogs and if you get tired of me, kick me out. This place will be mostly pictures and stuff I steal from elsewhere because I fear if I continue on this path of negativity that you'll all run away. Guess that says something about my insecurity, doesn't it?

Have a great day and, I promise to quit bringing y'all down when you visit here. This too shall pass.


Blogger junky said...

The stress can really effect your sleeping, when I've been in similar situations my sleep always goes down to nothing.
I think it's brave of you and shows a lot of strength that you post about the feelings all these things are causing you.
It's not whining at all, it's what a blog is for right?

10:34 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

Thank you for your goes a long way right now. Off to work soon - have a great day. Oh yeah, root canal/back thing...well, hang in there.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

I don't normally have trouble sleeping, but sometimes when I have something weighing on my mind, I can't sleep either. And it tends to get cyclical.

But never worry about posting negative thoughts. It's your blog!

9:10 PM  
Blogger Toccata said...

First off, I always hop on over here whenever I'm blogging because I consider you one of my blogging friends. That is not going to stop. We all understand that life is difficult right now and gosh you just have to do what works. Vent, rage, whine, whatever gets you through.

9:57 PM  
Blogger aka k said...

hey, sorry if my comment worried you, it wasn't meant to. i frequently only get a few hours sleep per night, often working but sometimes just worrying. i've only been visiting here a while and feel for you. hang in there.

3:13 AM  

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