Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Although I waver back and forth between whether I should post about Mom or not, I have to. I can't pretend I'm alright or talk of music or shows or things that mean absolutely fuck all right now.

Last night was the worst night of my life. Mom, as I knew her, was gone. The cancer had taken ahold of her and, as the toxins spread through her body, it was ugly. She was burning up with fever and in a state of delirium. It was absolutely traumatic. Heartwrenching. Honestly, as much as it pains me to say it, it reminded me of Linda Blair in The Exorcist. It was that bad. Mom was in another world. Shouting. Swearing. Violent. Gritting her teeth and clenching her fists. It was fucking awful. I won't go into details, but it was extrememy disturbing and the images/sounds will probably haunt me forever. I spent the entire night crying and I just can't fake that I'm alright....I'm not. I'm a mess and don't even know why I'm here right now. I just know that I don't know what else to do...writing has always been my release and I guess this is part of why I'm spilling my guts during such a personal, horrible ordeal.

So please, excuse me if I jump all over the place - if I say I'm not going to blog, then post eighty random posts. Or visit your blogs and misspell everything (did I spell that right, for fuck's sake?), or make little to no sense. I'm trying. Ignore me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, but I know when I'm home, I have to do something. Sleep's not an option. TV - can hold my attention for 6 minutes, then I'm gone.

I honestly am not trying to solicit for pity or sympathy. I'm just trying to make sense of all of this. And I've written and deleted several posts because I'm not going to pretend I'm o.k. I'm just not. I'm trying, but I'm not.

Thanks, again, for the support. I probably won't respond to comments regularly because nothing is "regular" right now. But I'll try. And I love you're truly wonderful people.


Blogger Toccata said...

I say keep blogging when and if you want. It's a release for you and to hell with what anyone else thinks. In the end all this blogging may really help you. And that Deb is the most important thing.

I think you are doing what is right for you and I say do it.

As always, I sure wish this wasn't happening to you and I really hope you are going to be ok. Take care and when and if you need a place to vent I'll be here to listen. I might not know what to say in return but my toughts are with you and your family. Take care.

9:20 PM  
Blogger mellowlee said...

I agree with toccata! You can go right ahead and post fifty million comments on my blog hon. And you don't have to appologise to us for anything! *enormous hugs*

9:45 PM  
Blogger Alana said...

I agree as well, do whatever comes to mind, don't hesitate. If you feel like writing, write. If you hate it 5 minutes later, delete it and write something else. Then delete that too. Don't worry about it, just do whatever feels right at that moment.

I'll be thinking of you. <3

11:46 PM  
Blogger junky said...

I think that is exactly what a blog is for, just get it off your chest and who cares what we all think. You just gotta do what you think is right for you, and if posting makes you feel a little better for a little while, go on and do it.
It seems we are all of the age that we have all gone through something similar, (or I just could be generalizing). While everyones experience is different, and how everyone deals with trauma is different. Just remember you have people here thinking of you and wishing you the best. So don't be afraid to question us, or vent on us, that is what this is all for.

6:49 AM  
Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

Everyone has already said everything so much better than I could, Deb, but I have to let you know that we are here for you. I wish that I could actually be there to help and to listen, but this is the closest thing that we can get.

I am so sorry about what your dear mother is going through and how much it is hurting your whole family. Please keep venting when you feel you need it. We'll help how we can.

8:21 AM  
Blogger Evelyne said...

Keep writing about it Deb, if it makes you feel better (or if it holds your attention more than 6 minutes) Write as much as you want! Take care.

11:33 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

You guys are all awesome....the support is appreciated more than you know.

12:04 PM  
Blogger Allison said...

I keep getting here late in the game. I'm going to echo what everyone else has said, and do whatever you feel like doing Deb, and we're always hear to listen if you need it. I've been thinking about you, and I'm sending a hug your way. Take care my friend.

2:56 PM  

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