Where To Begin?

I have a kazillion things in my head that I want to post about. This could be long but I'll try and condense it.

First of all, I'm quite excited because I'm meeting some really great people here. Not just here, but other places too (like Flickr). I'm always so excited when I have mail and someone's added me as a contact. It's like opening a present. Today it was a guy from MG's blog (The Cooperation) who really is a sweetheart. He's been through the ringer lately (try getting hit by a car) and we've shared some stories. Reality - half the people I "meet" here could be giving me a big line of bullshit and are serial rapists and baby killers - but I like them. O.K., that's part one.

I'm not scared of much. I'm mouthy at times and have been told I'm a little firecracker but that is my defense mechanism in the world because I'm alone and have to fight my own battles. Therefore, I've learned not to be scared. But I must say, lately when I take the long walk back to the car after visiting Mom, a lot of "what if's" cross my mind.It's a pretty isolated lot and mine is usually one of the very few cars parked there. I still don't get scared, just more aware of the fact that I am quite vulnerable and need to watch my back. Richmond's getting really ugly crime wise and about two minutes away from this parking lot (that I park in every night) some guys with knives were robbing people out on the street the other night. I thought about it tonight. But, guess what. As I got to my car it wasn't three guys, it was Rocky frickin' raccoon at my car. I didn't get a picture because I was keeping my distance and he was lurking in the dark corners. I know a guy who had a raccoon for a pet once and the thing used to like to raid my purse and eat things out of it (lipstick). And once, when I tried to grab it away, he went Helter Skelter on my ass. So I was preparing for the showdown....bring it raccoon. He went away. I was uninteresting and not food.

Oh, why I park in this lot...the hospital charges $2.50 an hour, with no "in and out" privileges.And that doesn't seem like a lot until you're parking there everyday for 3-6 hours a day. Then it starts to hurt a little. The lot I park in is across the street and has a flat rate - $6.00 all day or $2.00 for a portion. Much better. I'll fight raccoons and thugs for that.

Now, you may be thinking it strange that I'm so "chipper" all of a sudden and here's why. Although I know it's the drugs, Mom's really "at peace" right now. Compared to a few days ago, when she was extremely agitated and getting violent, she's now very relaxed. She's laughing and is relatively pain free. Our conversations are bizarre mind you - she's obviously heavily medicated, but I run with it. I just jump right in like it's all making sense and we have pretty good ones at that...just not relative to anything that's really going on in life. It's her world and I go along with it....it's comforting to see her at ease instead of struggling. Even if she's not connecting. Tonight we were "at the casino". And she was betting roulette and playing blackjack. And the weirdest thing happened...made me shiver. I said, "o.k. Mom, what number do you want to bet" and she said "17". Then I sat quietly and pondered what I should do next - keep the roulette game going or shift gears to a new subject. I thought "if she's still on this track I'll tell her what number came up - 34". And just as I thought that she said "and 34" precisely at that very moment. Wow. She's good. She always was.

Part II - I have connected with a real sweetheart/volunteer named Sharon. She visits patients regularly and the night that we had all the horrific stuff go down, she and I met and cried together in the "quiet room" for 2 hours. I'd left Mom's room completely distraught and went in there, without even realizing anyone was there. I "let go" and cried quietly until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I was so embarrassed, but it was okay. She was so sweet. She shared the story of her father, who'd passed two years earlier in a similar fashion. We poured our hearts out - two total strangers. And now I feel like she's been my friend for life - she was there tonight and after Mom fell asleep we went around to some of the patients without family and visited with them. It was like a history lesson...some very interesting stories. And she's a doll.

What I'm learning here is that it doesn't all have to be completely negative...this dying thing. That, if we allow it to happen, some good can come to us throughout it all. Seems somewhat selfish and sometimes involves a bit of guilt...afterall, should I be sharing? Laughing? Making friends? But I think it helps both Mom and I if I'm strong and carry on with a stiff upper lip. That's what I'm trying to do.

This is too fucking long already. I'll post more tomorrow. I have eight more paragraphs in my brain.

(oh, and remind me that I'm going to clean up my potty mouth soon.)

Peace.

I seriously do think I have ADD.