Tuesday, February 13, 2007

This is a boring bunch of nothingness and highly unentertaining

The ex is back in town and he can pick up some of the slack so I can reenergize. The hospice & people suffering/dying is sucking my soul out. I'm confused right now...long story. All over the board I am. I think one thing that's confusing me is that I think I'm finally almost "over" him without even trying to be and do I want really to be? It just kind of came out of nowhere. It somehow feels like a deep loss to me...it's so sad. It's always been K & Deb. I've never been able to get over him...he's been seared into my heart for so long. So why now? Why is it fizzling out? The magic's finally dying? We split in '98 but we didn't completely split. We worked at being together/apart...living apart and continuing on. But that was him having his cake and eating it too...no commitment, just me here waiting for when he'd decide to come around. It wasn't easy.

This sudden detachment on my part is damn near tragic to me, I don't understand where it's coming from...I would chase this man to the ends of the earth. My entire life, it's always been that way. And suddenly I don't feel it anymore. Maybe it's temporary, because he's been such an ass throughout this entire Mom thing. But maybe it's not and I've finally, completely grown out of him. Could that be possible after so many years?

(Yet, why is it that when he comes over, like he did yesterday, I still find myself running to the mirror to "freshen up"? I don't know. He always told me I was beautiful...maybe that's why. Although I never thought I was, I truly believed he thought I was.)

He's let me down lately as a friend and I'm kinda surprised by it. He's usually come through for me...not this time though. He tends to be self-centered and mostly wrapped up in himself, but he's always managed to spare a bit for me when I was down..I've always had him to turn to. He'd reassure me with his words and, usually over a beer or two, we'd figure things out together. But lately....? Yet I'm still always there for him - unconditionally. He's so fucking hot and cold. He sometimes still calls in the wee hours (drinking) and I sit up all night, talking him through whatever's stealing his sleep. I've gone to work with an hour's sleep because I wanted to be there for him...he's bipolar (although he'd argue he's not) and when he's low, he's really low. Usually it involves a lot of "what happened Deb's?" and "what could have/should have been" stuff. A lot of unanswered "whys". Even his own mother says I'm crazy to stand by him. I was with him since we were 14...devoted my entire life to him. And I was his whole world (when he wasn't drinking). But the "when he wasn't drinking" part got to be fewer and farther between. It's deep rooted when you've been through every intimate detail of your life with someone. That's binding, a blood brother/sister kind of thing..he'll always be the love of my life. The tortured soul who loved me. But he treated me badly, he knows it and tells me how deeply sorry he is. I know he is. I was one hell of a wife, sounds conceited, but I know I was. Loyal, even though every one of his friends hit on me (they were so jealous of everything he had - he had a lot going for him). Ours was a relationship of fireworks....passion, intensity. It was explosive. Mostly in a very good way. But sometimes in a bad way. And near the end, it was almost all bad.

I'm so very used to having all my emotions tied in to him and now that's fading and I feel a bit numb. Empty even. I don't know, this life's a bitch. And then you die.

I really hate Valentine's Day. It messes with my head.


Blogger Toccata said...

Hey Deb, don't really know what to say but just letting you know I'm thinking of you. Take care.

Oh darn, word verification does me in again. I swear w.v. was invented to make me feel stupid!

8:19 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

hey tc....not much to say. I thought afterwards, "why did I even post that"? And I don't know why, I just feel like it sort of sets it straight in me.

I'm at a real crossroads and was stuck in my past for so long. I feel I'm finally breaking free of that and am becoming "me" again, not someone who's waiting in the shadows.

I guess I felt like a fraud, posting silly, meaningless stuff when I feel this whirlwind of emotion inside. But sorry to make you suffer through it...time to post something silly/meaningless!

8:36 AM  
Blogger aka k said...

yep, don't loose that real you, whatever you decide.

8:40 AM  
Anonymous kelly said...

Morning Deb, I can see how that would be confusing and tough on you for many years. You are going through so much right now I'm sure you're exhausted, I think people start to run on auto-pilot when going through what you are with your mom. And you have a household to run. Perfaps your auto-pilot mode just doesn't include him. Mind you, I could be full of shit , too. Take care

8:42 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

sorry guys, for unpacking my baggage here. it just needed to be done. i used to write (pen/paper a lot) and it helped to release stuff. although I question whether or not i should reveal myself to the entire world, this is who I am. Unedited/uncensored. And part of living with someone like K was that I often found myself having to behave a certain way and felt stifled at times. Now I'm really me again and I'm loving it.

You're so awesome...you guys really help me through this process, without even probably knowing it. I feel a lot of warmth/support here that I've probably been lacking for some time now.


2:47 PM  
Blogger Mellowlee said...

don't appologise for posting this deb. It helped me a lot just to read about someone who feels the same way, although I can not compare 7 years to your life time with K, I still feel heartbroken. I thought I was going to spend my whole life with him. When people talk about me getting over him, that makes me sad too. I dont want to think about the day when I will be "OVER" him. I fucking hate Valentine's Day! *HUGS*

7:04 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

mel...that's what i'm battling. i always prayed for the day to come that it'd be easier and i'd get "over" him. and now I think it's finally here and i feel nothing but sadness for that...like such a wasted love i had for him. like something's died.

i hate valentines day too and therefore am renaming it sexy bitches who are alone day where we buy ourselves presents, drink fine wine and swear at every man who doesn't tell us we're beautiful. you in?

7:56 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

and i'm glad if i can help you through this in any way. there IS no easy way, ever. and time doesn't heal all wounds, that's bullshit. booze helps mind you. jj but that's what worked for me for 5 minutes back then. then it got old, very quickly and just intensified the pain. just grieve through it sweetie. cry, swear, listen to music and throw a few things if you need to. and get his ass outta there asap!

7:59 PM  

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