Thursday, April 19, 2007

Uncomfortably Numb

I'm so fucking mad. I just put together a heart pouring post and deleted it, along with my sanity. Idiot. Oh well, here's a condensed replacement because why shouldn't everything in life suck, right?

I've actually been coping fairly well and am surprised by that. I've managed to make it to work everyday and when friends ask and I mouth the words "she's gone", it's completely without emotion and as if I don't believe them, that I've just been programmed to say them. I guess that's the denial part, I don't know. I've become a robot - it's my coping mechanism. But, all in all, I think I've been fairly strong and am surprised by that...it's like I'm on autopilot and just going through the motions. I'm sure the impact is so deep that I've stuffed it down and it will present itself, in full force, on say Mother's Day and her birthday. I'm bracing for it now. I should start buying red wine by the quart and hording it away. But, for now, I'm doing o.k. and am not the mess I thought I'd be...I'm pretty stable.

I did have a meltdown yesterday after confirming the obituaries for the papers. The girl at the newspaper was way too fucking perky and she thought it was hilarious when she dated the receipt 2005...I'm glad she amused herself. Maybe if I stick your pen in your eye we can laugh like idiots at that too? She was really flippant and actuallly bordered on rude when I asked if they could save extra papers for me...."W-ELLLLLL, how many do you need?". I said half a dozen or so and she rolled her eyes and said "that's kinda a lot". Yeah, and you're two years behind the world so fuck off. You're kinda annoying.

Maybe I am a little angry. But I let her live, so that says something, right?

We went to Dad's for dinner, despite my really not being up to it yet. But it's not all about me, so I went. And I crumbled (somewhat). Linds and I spent a great deal of time in Mom's room...sharing stories, laughter and tears. Although Dad wants to empty stuff out now, I'm just not ready...I want it to remain undisturbed, exactly how it was when she was in there. But, again, that's not my decision and I respect that Dad has to look at it each and every day and it's crushing him. So, we started letting Linds cart out Mom's stuff.

Mom LOVED jewelry - it didn't have to be expensive but, if it shone in the sun, it was sold, on the spot. Her room was full of it. She bought her favorite necklace right off a woman's neck because it glistened in the sun (probably paid double what it was worth). And, despite the fact that she had about 400 necklaces or so, she always chose that particular one. She couldn't put jewelry on herself so, when she was going out, I'd go over to help her "accessorize". She never left the house without her hair done, lipstick on and her jewelry in place. It was Mom's law.

And, each and every time, it went down exactly the same way:

"Deb, can you find me a necklace to wear".

(Well, let me see - I'm not sure...you only have 400) - "Yes Mom". And I'd immediately make a b-line to "the" necklace, as I knew the other 399 would be rejected. They always were.

And, knowing she'd always pick that particular one, I'd be way ahead of her. I didn't need her to tell me which one because it was a given - it never changed. So I'd already have it in my hand as she'd begin describing it to me. "It's the diamond cut one that shines in the sun....."

"Yes Mom, I know".

"Oh, you found it? My favorite one?".

"Yes Mom".

I'd tried, in the past, to get her to wear one of the other 399 but, nope, no dice. It always had to be this one.

So I now wear the necklace with pride and a smile on my face. "Yes Mom, I've got the right one".

Linds will probably claim the 800 pairs of earrings that also never got worn because, again, she had her favorites. But she found comfort in being surrounded by them...they were pretty. She also had to have plenty of stuffed animals...but that's a whole other story and we'll get there one day.

* * * * * * * * * *

Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to get my ass in gear here. I am wearing two odd socks and have been eyeing up Ty's old hockey pants as casual wear for the day....guess it's time to hit the laundromat. Either that or Ty wears a skirt (again). One day I inadvertently put one of my skirts (that looked very similar to his shorts) in with his clean stuff. He slipped it on, thinking it was his shorts. The cool breeze up his legs quickly made him realize there was no crotch in his shorts. But that didn't stop him from shakin' his thang for us. Although I can't find that particular picture, it seems my son has donned our clothing before and appears to quite enjoy himself in the process. Should I be worried?

21 Comments:

Blogger RUTH said...

My dear Debs,I've only just seen the sad news that your Mother has passed away. You would think I would know the right words to say to you having so recently had my own loss...but I don't. Nothing I say can ease your pain; nothing I do can can take away your sadness. So I just send you a cyber-{{HUG}} and leave you a few words that have helped comfort me:
"Life has to end....Love doesn't"
Ruth
x

2:46 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

Thanks sweetie...am with you too. Hang in there - you're an inspiration to me.

2:53 PM  
Blogger Michelle Ann said...

I was a robot too when my mom died...I finally had a meltdown at someone's graduation party. And I was okay with that.

I love the stories about your mom and her jewelry...how precious!

2:57 PM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

Debs I was going to say something before Sunday it is all happening chez you I think you're coping extremely well considering ... having said that I hate the word "coping" ... I once said it to someone who went nuts at me (bc her daughter got murdered) I understand exactly why she hated the expression. At the end of the day you just get over things as best you can and life goes on.

You are a fighter, Lady!

You will be okay!

4:06 PM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

Re what you said about jewellery: I love jewellery as well. I hate wearing it mind. But I v nearly went on a jewellery design or goldsmithing course (well it would have been silversmithing they never teach goldsmithing to beginners). Every time I walk past the jeweller's window I am transfixed ...

She was right about cost ... some of the best stuff I think comes with artificial diamonds. Ever seen those lilac-coloured ones? They look like amethysts but shine with all the fire of real diamonds. Wow!

4:10 PM  
Blogger Rositta said...

You might be right about the friend thing. I don't cope well, I have had numerous meltdowns recently, but you know what? It's okay. When my Dad passed away all the firsts were hard but got easier over time. This time I'm not ready should it come to that for Mom. I cry every night when I come home from the hospital, maybe I've started the grieving process knowing it's really just a matter of time...ciao

5:13 PM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

I just read back what I put ... "was going to say something"... I mean about how stressful your life has been ...

5:38 PM  
Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

I'm so glad to see you again, Deb. There really is no recipe for grieving, is there. When my dad passed away, I was very pulled together most of the time, and I don't think it was until a year later that it really struck me that this was final.

I love the story of your mom and her necklace - yet another of your wonderful tales about her. I'm sure she would be so happy that you are now wearing it.

7:11 PM  
Blogger junky said...

hey Deb hang in, yeah you will breakdown at some point but that is cool.

7:30 PM  
Blogger whitenoise said...

Deb- maybe it's better that you can put off some of the emotion for a while. I'm sure there's a lot pent up. You might even feel some relief that your mom's pain and suffering are over, and that's a lot to sort out. We're here for you.

8:03 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

Plain and simple - you guys are all the best. Seriously. Every one of you.

Now I have to go cheer my team on so we can take this series tonight.

junky...nice goal by Bert ;)

8:40 PM  
Blogger Toccata said...

Debs, it was nice to see you back again. It was lovely seeing another story about your mom. I think she would would thrilled to see you and Linds wearing her jewellry. I look forward to hearing about the stuffed animals.

Just finished work when I turned on the t.v. to catch the last of the game and unfortunately just caught the last couple of minutes and our loss. Next time.

10:08 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

We had the car ready to do the victory lap tc. Guess it'll have to wait until Saturday. Could've gone either way...one stupid bounce in.

10:21 PM  
Anonymous kelly said...

Deb, you'll have good and bad days for quite a while, bad days and moments will become fewer and fewer. When Dad died I was concerned that my memories of him would be of him being sick...but thankfully...only the happy memories stand out now.

ps...its my fault the canucks lost...i finally actually watched a game, first one this year

11:07 PM  
Blogger Toccata said...

Oh man, I do hope we are doing the victory lap on Saturday!

Do you remember when Canada won the gold at the Olympics. (Let's not discuss the last fiasco at the Olympics.) Afterwards I headed downtown with a friend and everyone was out celebrating. It was awesome. A street game started and then the police came and everyone thought, oh no but they set up pylons, closed off the road and joined in the game. It was the best.

Hey Deb, next year I am going to have to head to Vancouver for a weekend game and you and your kids and I will have to take in a game. It will be so much fun!

11:08 PM  
Blogger Toccata said...

p.s. I promise not to wear my maple leaf jersey!

11:09 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

kelly....damn, we've got to keep you occupied on Saturday then. I hear there's a great movie opening...

tc...we went to GM Place to watch the gold medal game...it was awesome. Kind of like we were there because the crowd was crazy and we were all in our Team Canada gear. There's a TV special about it that's been shown on "Canucks This Week" a few times and we're in it!! The Canucks all watched it upstairs at GM but we didn't know that at the time. They zoom right in on us (it was the ex, the kids, my brother, nephew and myself). I have a copy of it.

Hey, that sounds great - I'll take you up on that game offer. We'd have such fun.

11:23 PM  
Blogger 668 aka neighbour of the beast said...

everyone deals with stuff like this in their own way. and i think the mind decides when and how you should handle it.

what a great story about jewelry and your mom.

and i love the pics of your son. gotta love a boy confident enough to wear women's clothing.

8:49 AM  
Blogger Allison said...

Deb, glad to hear from you. As everyone has already said, we all deal with grief in our own way, writing about it is a good way to get things out, I find.

I loved the story about the necklaces. I had a similar experience with my grandmother.

2:00 PM  
Blogger mellowlee said...

I have a cocktail ring of my grandmas that I take out once in a while and look at. Maybe I should wearing it on a chain (its so tiny)

I hope life is treating you kindly today. Love u my friend!

3:51 PM  
Blogger mellowlee said...

PS Ty is soooo funny :OD

3:52 PM  

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