Mom lost her fight today (well I guess it was now technically yesterday). This picture of her was taken by Lindsay after her first release from hospital, when we thought she'd be o.k. It was Thanksgiving dinner and, before we could say grace (a first for us), she was "digging in". We laughed about that.

She'd go back into hospital two months later and never come out. Today we dressed her in these, her favorite red pyjamas. I put her red slippers on her for the last time (she used to claim I was the only one who knew how to "do it right"). Her favorite cardigan, with smokes in the pocket. She always freaked out if her smokes weren't in there.

It was tough...I wasn't there. I've been by her side the entire time and I wasn't there in the end. Damn it, I was on the phone as my brother tried desperately to reach me from the hospice. The nurses tried me at work. They tried to have the telephone company cut in with an emergency call - I heard the beep but didn't know what it was. They failed and told my brother that "there was no conversation and my phone was off the hook". So my sister in law rushed over and told me to hurry but I didn't make it. Damn it. I was doing my fucking income tax when I got "antsy" and started pacing around. I began reading pamphlets from the hospice about how the body shuts down at the end. I've had them here a month, and I chose the exact moment that her body was shutting down to read about it. Very strange...as I read the words she (apparently) experienced it exactly as it was printed. She stopped breathing and my brother gently shook her and said "mom hang on" so that I could get there. And she started breathing again but I didn't get there in time. I was on the god damned phone. I'm NEVER on the phone...that's the part that gets me. I hate the fucking phone...everyone knows that. It's a struggle for me. I was always there with (for) Mom and it was so important for me to be there at the end. Selfish reasons. And I was talking to my boss, of all people - I'd decided to return unanswered phone messages from the day before. What timing I have.

Anyhow, gonna be rough for awhile. She truly was my best friend. I'll be posting a lot about her, mostly just for me. Ty wrote this last night, before she passed.

God bless you Mom. "All in".

Through this all I check my head
To see what's left and what's been spent.
Collect the change to see what I've got left.

They say that it gets easier, you know
as all time passes, down the road
but that to me provides no such relief.
To sit here as it slips away
maybe for but one more day.
To wish that I could just rewind the years.

To think that just a year ago
that we did not even know
the ugliness that lies within your head
Would quickly begin to arise
As we rehearsed final goodbyes
Around a kitchen table filled with food.

That night I sat next to your room
that had indeed become your tomb
Collecting all I thought that I had left.
And to this day I check my head
to see what's left and what's been spent
collect the change to see what I've got left.

And though I may buy back one day, the will to move ahead
To stand strong, and carry on, and not to hang my head.

Just know "Gaga", I love you so
wherever you reside.
Don't fear what's next for you will find.
I'll see you soon.
Somewhere.
Sometime.