Thursday, February 14, 2008

I Have To Swear Alot In This One












HAPPY SINGLES AWARENESS DAY


I stole that btw. I like it - it's true. I hate Valentine's Day - it's stupid and here's why:

1) Hallmark shouldn't say what your actions/heart should. It's the lazy ass way....now put in more effort.

2) Guys don't like their women to get fat, so why the hell lay a bunch of chocolate on them? They're gonna eat it you know. And then that lacey teddy you bought them ain't gonna be so hot. And you're going to have a fight when you tell her so. It'll be your fault.

3) Flowers mean so much more if you steal them from someone's garden pick wild ones.

4) It's a chore and too soon after Christmas to think about gifts and cards...if you think I'm going shopping around for more gifts, you're fucking crazy. Just look at those month old ones...I just threw the boxes away yesterday. And the cards all make me barf and sometimes laugh. Who writes these things, 6 year olds? Kill me now. Roses are red, violets are blue fuck off you're bugging me. The End. Amen. Whatever.

5) Hand made cards are the best. Seriously...I want blood sweat and tears if you're going to bother at all. Poke yourself with the scissors even while you're making it. Search for an hour for a red marker. I don't want something that costs $4.95 and takes 12 seconds of your time. It's a waste of money. ( I remember the time my ex bought me a beautiful anniversary card - piano keys with a red rose...gorgeous card. Six bucks. It was my birthday, God bless him. And he arrived half drunk, 10 hours after work to deliver it to me.). It's not that I'm ungrateful or don't appreciate what I do get...it's just stupid on your behalf. Save the money and keep it simple. We'll both be happier.

6) If you're like me - a loser single, it just makes you feel like you're all alone, drowning in a sea of love people. They're all wearing red, carrying flowers and broadcasting it all over the universe via bullhorn. "I'm in love...look at me". Fuck off, you're giving me a headache. No, I don't want to hear your plans. I'd rather iron my face. So hit me over the head with a hammer why don't you? Yes, I'm alone today. Deal with it (I did).

And, along those lines, what about the young folks, the ones still in school?. Nothing beats up self esteem quite like a day of being surrounded by peers as they are lavished with gifts and you get nothing in front of all of them. Yeeha, this is fun. Wanna beat me up after school too? Wait, I'll tuck my skirt in my underwear on the way out.

I just had a thought:

Smart people should do dinner on February 15 when the crowds of swooning hearts are all back at home texting each other and fighting and the meal prices are back down to normal and don't require a small loan approval before ordering. But no, everyone is going to try for a 7 pm reservation on the 14th because we are all followers and the calendars are the law. I'm getting a little worked up over this, aren't I? Wait, I need to go deep breathe for a minute.

Do I sound bitter? I'm not...I've just never really bought into the Valentine's Day hype. It seems so forced and unnatural to me. Everyone say I love you at the same time on the same day and make sure you bring red roses because it makes it true. I'll do it tomorrow.

My ex used to buy me a t-shirt and a rose, both bought from the bar he was in and I'd get them eight hours later, wilted and wrinkled, smelling of smoke and wet from beer. He was so sweet...God love him. I got more of a kick out of his drunk little self and I didn't care about the gifts much. I knew what we had and (honestly) didn't need stuff to validate it. Still don't. Unless it's something I like, like CD's or new runners - then it's all good. I'm romantic like that.

Where am I going with this? I don't know, this day is just stupid.

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9 Comments:

Blogger Deth Bleedly said...

your not really off the mark with this one!! my wife told me not to buy her a card she said it was a waste of money. but she did want hershy's kisses the kind with caromel inside. while i was buying them i saw a bag of hershy's hugs so i got both hugs and kisses. i just thought that maybe this would upset you i dont mean to do that. you seem like to nice a person. happy thank god that stupid holliday is over day!

4:15 AM  
Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

We do exchange chocolate around here and that's it (although I did buy a cd this year), because we are looking for an excuse to eat chocolate. But yes, it is an entirely stupid day.

I did steal Mel's idea this year and handed out chocolate lollies at work and that was actually really fun. Everybody deserves chocolate.

7:45 AM  
Blogger Barbara Doduk said...

I don't do consumer holidays. Specially VD. I agree it is silly and merely a ploy to get people buying.

As for the school, I know my brother's daughter (she's 8) has to give everyone in her class a Valentine. You no longer can single out people. Even if she has a birthday party, she has to invite every girl in her class. Christmas cards, you guessed it, one for everyone...

9:14 AM  
Blogger busterp said...

Great idea; kinda like celebrating Christmas on 12-31.

You made me laugh all thru your cynical observations of Valentine's Day.

And, of course, the best one (in it's own context)was the t-shirt and rose.

1:36 PM  
Blogger mellowlee said...

I love your list of why Valentine's day is stupid. Especially #2!!!!

We didn't go out for dinner, but instead tonight are ordering in steaks (yeah, Gigi's delivers baby!)

As Barb says, I handed out heartshaped lolipops randomly to my dr, people at the hospital etc, and it was pretty funny to watch the looks on people's faces. Grouchie bus driver suddenly gets the giggles for example. I'm gonna do that next year too.

6:15 PM  
Blogger Toccata said...

Wow, now that is what I call a rant! Yes, it's a stupid day but damn it I want my chocolate.

7:55 PM  
Blogger Whitenoise said...

Awww...Deb. I woulda sent you a card! Belated happy V-Day. (And I mean that sincerely.)

2:46 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

deth...hugs & kisses - your wife's a lucky woman!

Barb...what a great idea with the chocolate lollies at work. Everybody does deserve chocolate. And every day I'd say.

Barbara D...that school's got it right. My kid's school when they were young - not so much. I'd make cupcakes and that way everyone got one.

busterp...when I re-read my post yesterday I thought I sounded pretty angry/bitter/crazy. I am. :)

mel...ordering in steaks...YUM. Geez, if you can get those grouchy bus drivers smiling with a lolly, I think I need to buy a box of them.

tc...I hear you on that. I'm a bad chocoholic, but have been very disciplined lately. I've been staring at the box of Ferraro Rochers that Dad bought us and it's calling me. Very loudly.

whitenoise...aw, thanks whitenoise. You're a good pal. ;)

10:12 AM  
Blogger Allison said...

I love number three. I once stole tulips from my neighbours garden to give to my mom for mother's day. Its the thought that counts, right? I was 7. ;)

12:22 PM  

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