Monday, April 14, 2008

Has it really been a year?

I questioned my need to do this here, to spill it. To tell it. But, for whatever reason, I want it recorded. I go back in the archives here and it's important to me to have it written down. For me.

You were always proud of my "writing it down"...my poems. My thoughts. You carried that damn submission I made to the Mother's Day newspaper contest around in your purse and showed it to everyone. Whether they wanted to see it or not (most didn't Mom). But you did.

How fitting that "your story" will be published as part of the Canuck's story....damn, you would've loved that. When that writer approached me and asked if I'd share it, I immediately felt you there. I'll carry it in my purse for you.

I want you to know that I hate curling again. Sorry Mom, can't do it without you. Why the fuck anyone would call sweeping while a bunch of assholes yell at you to do it harder "sport" is beyond me. Slavery, that's what I call it. It's why I'm separated, remember? Anyhow, you made me like it but it's a done deal now. No more. I'm back to being irritated by it.

Tennis? How fitting that Andres left shortly before you did. Don't have the same enthusiasm for that one either.

The Canucks sucked this year. Just for you. If you're not here, apparently they're not either. Meh, who cares (I do, you taught me not to lie).

Trevor's packing it in...even he doesn't want to do it anymore. See the impact you have?

I drive by garage sales now and I'm sorry to report that zillions of stuffed animals will remain homeless. No Mom, I'm not bringing them home. But I think of you every single time.

The flowers that I got were your favorites - carnations. They didn't know, but I'll never forget. I'm taking one to the river today, to throw it to you. For Christ sake, be careful...remember, you almost drowned there.

We've been watching home movies and laughing...but it's not as loud without you. You would've laughed hardest of all.

Linds and I especially liked a recent one - David ate all the pie and you called him an idiot for doing so. Call 'em as you see 'em. He really should've saved you a piece.

Ty couldn't watch (yet). He'll always be "your boy".

You told Linds she could have anything she wanted. Apparently not.

Dad's out gardening today. He pretends he's o.k. I know the real deal (and so do you)...you were his world and the first "gardening" that he did today was pick a bouquet for you. Yes, he did dig up more of the yard. And don't pretend you don't love it. ;)

You'd be proud of David. You always were though.

He just stopped by and it's hitting him hard. After he left here he phoned me to say that before he arrived on my doorstep he'd put on some random music and when this came on he lost it. (I knew, he was still wiping tears away). I told him what that song had meant to me - I'd never told him before. That, when he was down and out and we were losing him to the drugs that I'd put it on one day as I wept at my rock. I'd replayed it over and over and had then visited you for comfort. That it would always be the song about you and him for me. And that I lose it everytime. He had no idea. I asked him if he remembered that it came on during our ride back from the funeral home that day - he said he didn't. I'd quietly cried in the back seat as we rolled along the highway and I grieved for you. I also thanked God that I still had him. How fitting that it played for him today...it's exactly what you would've said to him.

I miss you Mom. I'm not o.k. but I have to be. I'm strong, like you, but inside I'm dying a little piece at a time. It's just not much fun anymore.

Anyhow, this one's for you...you loved this one.

xo

8 Comments:

Blogger Eddie said...

sorry bout your mom dear, been so screwed up latly forgot the watch over my friends, but i know how you feel

3:24 PM  
Anonymous Alana said...

Love you, Debz.

<3

7:14 PM  
Blogger Whitenoise said...

Hey Deb. Flew over your place this afternoon and thought of you. Hang in there...

7:27 PM  
Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

I can't believe it's been a year, Deb. You must miss your mom so terribly, but I have the feeling that she would be so proud of you and your whole family for pulling through even without her.

I think it's beautiful how you can still talk to her so freely.

7:30 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

Hey eddie...screwed up is the norm around here right now, so I understand. ;)

ALANA!!!....wow, I'm so happy you're "here"...makes it all o.k.

whitenoise...everytime I see a plane go overhead I say "I wonder if that's my friend (whitenoise)"!

Barb...thanks my friend. Means a lot.

3:46 PM  
Blogger Terry said...

Sorry for you loss but Wow you write well. Please keep it.

7:13 PM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

That's a lovely post

about time: don't you find time always flies EXCEPT WHEN YOU REALLY WANT IT TO then it crawls like nothing else

it's that weird time of year I don't know what the weather's been like in Vancouver but here it's sposed to be spring and yet it's been freezing cold. Soon it will be summer. Then I'll suddenly realize winter's been and gone and wahey!~ another year is passed!

Take care Debs ;->...

3:06 PM  
Blogger Toccata said...

I never met your mother but your posts always made me feel as though I knew her. When I think of your mom I see her running down the street in her housecoat after the burglar and then walking down the city streets of Vancouver all dolled up looking like a movie star in her high heels and fancy suit.

5:45 PM  

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