Wednesday, April 02, 2008

I swear I'm bipolar. I know I am. It is a problem and I am a fool to think that I can manage it on my own, but I do.

So I'm in one of the highs and life is good (since yesterday) periods. Honestly I can feel, on a daily basis, my mood shifting from extreme depression and hopelessness to complete elation over the simplest of things (like unclogging a clogged drain). Who else cries over shit like this? First, because I'm defeated and have tried everything and then when I am successful in fixing the problem, as I shed tears of joy. Fucking ridiculous. Pansy ass girl.

Here's what I realize though....there's much more to it than just backed up drains and plumbing problems. Although, for the most part, I'm a strong, independent (and relatively happy) woman, when things go wrong around the place that would be considered "men's work", it hits me over the head like a lead balloon at times. A real "wow, I'm all alone in this big world" kind of thing. That I may be alone forever at this point. I've given up on a relationship and, at my age, that's scary. But my relationship did that...scarred me for life and made it impossible for me to move on. To trust or feel safe. I have so much to offer, but I just can't move on. Some days the reality of it all is just too much....it blindsides me and I feel very scared and alone. (And then a hockey game comes on and I get over it and it's all good again). But, in those moments, I feel very small and vulnerable.

Being a single mother is a very big responsibility...if it were just my own happiness at stake, it'd be easy. It takes very little to keep me happy and I'm a simple person really. But it's so much more complex when you have others who depend on you or, as they grow older, at least need you to be strong and stable. Some days I don't feel that way.

I don't take anything for granted lately...when you've experienced a lot of trauma, death, and devastation, that happens. You become very thankful for the little things - things as basic as having a place to wash your face. Seriously. I've actually thought (lately), "it could be worse....I could be homeless". How's that for living? I try and put things in perspective when I'm feeling sorry for myself...there's always something worse and we've got to take comfort in what we do have instead of focusing on what we don't. But some days the don'ts just keep steamrolling me and I have to crumple up into a ball and rock myself to sleep. Luckily, I don't have many of those. But this week's been a doozie.

I just wish that life were easier at times...that I could go on a vacation and let the waves wash up over my feet as I lay in the warm sand. That I'd have a string of "good" days that would keep the faith rolling, keep me in the positive. Every time I think "o.k., this is it" and that I have to think myself into a good life and that my state of mind is up to me - something happens in the "wtf" department and it's all just too much. It kicks me back down and I take one step forward, only to be knocked on my ass.

What a roller coaster ride this life is. I didn't sleep last night....long story involving Linds. She was having a rough time and we worked through it together...we watched the fucking Food Network all night. She says I fell asleep at 5 - I know that she was up until 6. so tell me how that happens? Anyhow, my kids are everything to me and, in a roundabout way, that's what this post is about.

I'm over it now. It's all good (except my God damned hockey team).

Oh, and speaking of hockey (were we?....bear with me, it's that time of year)...happy (belated) 80th birthday to Gordie Howe. I had a special post all done up but had my head under a sink and just never got it done. It's the jumbled, messed up thought that counts, right?

14 Comments:

Blogger Whitenoise said...

You're wise to focus upon what you do have- great kids, great family, a place to live and food in your fridge. I know many wealthy people who are desperately unhappy. Happiness is found by looking around your own backyard and counting your blessings.

7:55 AM  
Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

It's really difficult to remain postive when the cards keep getting stacked against you all the time. I am actually in awe about how you have been dealing with so much in the last while. But we all have our limits, especially when our kids are having issues and then it all goes out the door, doesn't it?

Continue to appreciate the good days and your great kids, even when they are going through rough patches. I hope it's all good days from here on.

8:30 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

Thanks you two...it is you guys who help give me strength and it's very comforting to read the words that you leave for me. I thank you, in the sincerest, most heart felt way, for riding the waves with me and helping to keep me calm. It means the world to me and I don't feel alone when I come here. :)

9:03 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

and the flip side to my post is the great satisfaction I feel when I do accomplish something here on my own, without having help. The plumbing issues are deep rooted and are more than just about water and pipes to me...the broken water main and massive leaks I've endured have created anxiety in me that has me freak out when "little" problems arise....for me, every leaking pipe or plugged drain has the potential for disaster! So it becomes a major issue for me.

But when I got things running again I was elated and quite pleased with myself...the ex had been pretty smirky about the situation and that's part of what set me off....they're HIS kids too that have to live with this, yet he finds it funny? Loser.

9:06 AM  
Blogger busterp said...

Overall you seem in control of what you can control. Hockey, another story. Ha. Keep plugging away.

Gordie's 80. F.cking A.

I think I could be the first happy person with money, but have to agree many with it aren't (sure would like to try though...)

I always remember this quote by Dorothy Parker: If you want to see what God thinks of money, just look at all the people He gave it to.

9:33 AM  
Blogger countrymouse said...

I think comprehending the single mom thing is impossible unless one has walked a mile in those shoes . . .

Also, I think being our age and having kids at the ages they are tends to be a coalescence (that could be a word, right?) of some of the most difficult periods of life.

One foot in front of the other, right? : )

10:09 AM  
Anonymous kelly said...

I agree with Barb...I been thinking how well you deal with so much. Then I feel guilty about how well things have been for me. Nothings perfect we all have rough patches, but you seem to have gotten whacked while you're down, more than your share.

You should give up on your hockey team...they aren't helping you out any.

7:33 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

busterp...that quote is the best. Ya, I might do ok with a bit of money too. Just a bit. ;)

mousie...yeah, this age is a bitch. So many thoughts...I liked it better when I was young and brainless. Well, wait a minute, maybe not...

kelly...thank you for making me smile (the last bit about my team). It's only funny because it's so damn true. Why do I torture myself (I've got the PPV tomorrow)?

11:44 PM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

bloody hell unclogging that drain alone sounds like a major trauma...

as I said below lemon juice should give a far better reaction with bicarb than vinegar (or even better citric acid: dissolve some in hot water and let crystals wash down the drain for more prolonged effect. citric acid can unblock some drains alone but the bicarb as you know makes gunkshifting fizz...)

bipolar: i used to wake up on a high many years ago... when I got something like flu which seemed to happen a lot I got horribly depressed then went soaring up again afterwards. antidepressants have made me exaggeratedly "well" again even more so i looked this up it's a non-diagnosis called "bipolar iii" (depression but getting hyper from antidepressants but not really) there's another thing called cyclothymia which sounds like me before the moodflattening effect of a habit and may be you it means mood swings up and down but not of "psychiatric" proportions great enough to "impair daily functioning" (my highs never were, and i wouldn't even think of them in any way unhealthy had i not heard of "bipolar" and realized these high swings do tend to follow on from depression or cause a plunge down into it. hmmmm. lovely stuff

take care ;->...

5:26 AM  
Blogger Phaedra said...

hope you are feeling better today lady, and got some sleep. Have you tried supplementing your diet with 3-4 grams of Omega 3(not the combination 3-6-9, just 3)as it works great for leveling out the moods, and depression. I recently went off my meds to do it 'au natural', and had been suffering a bit with mood swings. On the advice of my docotr(who is also a nutritionist) suggested it to me, and it's really helped. email me if you wanna chat about it some more. *hugz*

8:14 AM  
Blogger Allison said...

I have to agree with what everyone else has said here. I'm amazed at how you have handled this past year especially, Deb. You have a great family and a support system and I hope that keeps you through the rough patches.

6:24 PM  
Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

Deb, you've been tagged! I promise this one is really fun, and I would love to hear your opinions on this.

10:17 AM  
Anonymous kelly said...

i guess those canucks won't be a concern for you anymore will they?

i am so bad

11:03 PM  
Blogger Robin said...

Gratefulness and being thankful is the absolute key to contentment.

You are very wise!

7:38 PM  

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