Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Would someone please get my ass back into work before I kill someone or blow something up? I'm dangerously unfocused and, quite frankly, a little lost without a daily routine.

Last night when I got in I decided to replace the lightbulb inside the back door because I'm fucking crazy I was 5 for 5 in the burnt out department and in complete darkness down there. That was working for a minute, as the light from the outside would stream in through the window and make things barely navigatable (I made that word up - don't look it up). But tonight, when I arrived home in the dark and that light had also bit the big one, I was forced to perform a bit of a blindman's obstacle course to get inside the back door and through the junk room. As amusing as that was, it just wasn't going to work for the long haul so I figured it was high time that I got to the daunting task of changing light bulbs. How many tired, overworked single mothers does it take to change a light bulb?...None. They won't fucking do it because they're too busy, so deal with it.

Anyhow, I'm going green so I'm currently replacing the regular, energy sucking 8 day bulbs with CFL's. The pack I opened was a 2 pack and I took them both out then thought, as I walked down the stairs into the darkness carrying them in either hand, "this is probably not a good idea...I should've just brought one down at a time". I then sloughed it with an afterthought, "yeah, right, like I can't even carry two lightbulbs at once. Heh.".


I clambered up onto a chair and got the first lightbulb in place over the back door and then it happened....my brain froze (again). "SPLAT"....the other bulb dropped out of my left hand and exploded everywhere. Now, I've recently read up a bit on these bulbs and wasn't sure if they're the right way to go because they do contain mercury and can be quite harmful if broken. "But I won't break them"....my ever lyin' inner voice told me...it thinks that I'm capable and sure handed. (IT's an idiot and obviously knows nothing about me).

"OK, well this sucks". I couldn't remember what to do, other than air out the area and cry....the back door flew open as I ran up to the internet, which is what I do right before I call 911. I grabbed some gloves and went back down after 15 minutes of fresh air to begin the painstaking game of find the broken shards. Of course, there's carpeting and a whole pile of shit down there, so it was a needle in a haystack good time.

My favorite (only good) shoes were the worst victims...they were violently attacked and were riddled with pieces of broken bulb. It couldn't be the ugly camo loafers with a velcro strap (what WAS I thinking?)....NO, it had to be the shoes I wear every fucking day and feel like I'm not wearing shoes at all. I was forced to throw them out and will now be barefoot until I get my ass to the mall and I do that as often as I change bulbs, so I hope the snow has stopped for good.

Now, I'm not sure if you're all aware of this, but when you break one of these bulbs it's important NOT to vacuum it up...the vacuum will then send the dust everywhere and you will instantly die from inhaling the vapors (well, not really, but last night I thought so). Have you ever tried to clean up a carpet without vacuuming it?...it's like telling a person with their jaw wired shut that they can't use a straw. It ain't happening. Anyhow, after an hour and a half of colorful language (fuckenshiznickler is also not a word), I managed to get rid of anything that was in the line of fire. Getting rid of the carpet, a suggested remedy, was not an option, as it's wall to wall. I actually considering burning the place down...it would solve so many problems. Damn inner voice again.

I'm now re-evaluating the purchase of these hand grenades and am pretty much sold on the "fuck the environment" line of thinking and will go back to my favorite cheap bulbs. When I compare the two options, something that requires a HAZMAT team and sealed containers for disposal somehow doesn't seem environmentally friendly or a good idea to me. Plus, my kid's health over rules everything and I ain't saving the world until they're looked after. Sorry folks, just the way it is.

I did sort of over react (I think) when my Dad phoned last night and I was having a panic attack and was near tears. When he asked me what was wrong (yes, it was that obvious), I said "OHMYGODPLEEEEEEEEASESAVEME, I BROKE A BULB AND IT'S IN MY SHOES AND EATING THE FLOOR AND SUFFOCATING ME WITH IT'S FUMES AND I'M GONNNNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIE DAD". He quickly calmed me down - amazing how reasonable people can do that. And then I went on the internet and didn't feel like such a drama queen after reading the story about the idiot woman who sealed off her kid's room and then coughed up two grand to have a professional team come in and clean up the mess. It's a lightbulb lady. Even I know better.

So today's a new day and I woke up feeling much better, only to make a pot of coffee that is swimming in grounds. Then I sat down to respond to some comments and my blog rejected me as the armed, word verification police asked me the password for entry, which is a question mark. Ha, got me. I'm sure this all means GO BACK TO BED.

I need my happy place because the world's a scary place (when I'm in it). Something about being around 92 year old senile people in diapers makes me feel very at home and in my zone. This time off has nearly killed me.

I leave you with our aquarium pictures and please be in awe that I didn't fall in the shark tank. I rule, don't I?

Oh and click on them to make them bigger. Frickin' magic.

This was Lindsay's reaction when she saw this........
and apparently I need to buy her one for her birthday

..........Yes, I do tend to have that effect.....

"Ahhh, this is the life." Whitenoise?.......that you?
Dude, seriously.....I know how you feel.


Blogger Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Holy crap. We are the same person.

And the fact that you considered just burning down the house to take care of the problem and that was TOTALLY what I was going to suggest is just icing on the cake.

You are totally my new friend.

5:34 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

Jenny....I thought the same when I read your blog..."how'd she get inside my head?". Welcome. :)

8:13 AM  
Blogger countrymouse said...

The lightbulb thing! My daughter and I just had a phone conversation about that the other night! It went something like: "Great. Thanks, Mom, for passing on even more of your weirdness to me. I hate changing lightbulbs but the lack of light depresses me . . . "

It used to be really bad when hubby was out of town for months on end. He'd come home to a dark house, a depressed wife and an immediate shopping trip to buy a case of lightbulbs. Oh that the house would just have burnt down . . .

9:47 AM  
Blogger junky said...

Don't worry too much about a broken CFL, you would literally have to break it under your nose, and then maybe you might get a little Mercury.

11:38 PM  
Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

I'm just checking in quickly, Deb, and will have to come back to read, but those are great aquarium photos! They should hire you!

11:09 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

mouse...maybe it's a female thing? I don't feel so alone now!

junky, it's o.k, I'm not too worried about it anymore. I didn't die, so it's all good. Plus, I always have my handy dandy Lorazepam that'll fix anything, right?

Barb...thanks my dear. Hope you're having a blast.

10:22 AM  
Blogger LaLa said...

It's so great to see that after all this time, you haven't lost your sense of humor, or your snark! :) Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts. I hadn't forgotten about you either!

12:07 PM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

The seaworld photosa are absolutely brilliant... remember how I said I'd love an 8ft x 3ft deep x 1.5ft front to back aquarium in my posh new house (not where I am now in other words) it would be full of naturally growin (not plastic) plants and little aquatic African dwarf froggies...

Now Debs can I ask your serious advice I dunno what to do...

I'm getting a new room in the same house. Lots of clutter. Do you agree I should just leave what I don't want even if it's half my clothes etc. and just move "lite" into the new room?... Please RSVP ASAP I'm desperate for advice! Many thanxx

1:39 PM  
Blogger Whitenoise said...

There, there... it all worked out in the end, didn't it? ;-)

1:37 AM  
Blogger busterp said...

Kinda know the feeling.

Years ago when I was in my early 20's and very hungover, I raised a lift truck platform too far up without watching, breaking two overhead florescent(sp? - too lazy to look up)bulbs which fell directly down on me.

I had bulb powder and glass shards all over my head and arms. I was a little concerned about what was in them too. No google in those days. I just shook myself off and denied to my inner self it ever happened.

I would be great if you had a friend / neighbor like Kramer or George, I'd actually watch a 1/2 hour episodes of your life weekly. GET AN AGENT. Ha. (I would assume commercial free though).

1:28 PM  

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