Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Hope All Is Well

Hi friends...belated Christmas greetings. Sorry - I haven't been around and this is the first chance I've had to update. Christmas this year was a bit of a schmozzle...we tried to keep Mom at home but her condition had deteriorated so much that Christmas eve dinner was heartwrenching, to say the least. When we arrived, Dad & Dave had somehow wrangled Mom into her wheelchair and she was in the living room. Neighbours were over visiting and her conversation with them was as if we were back in the 70's - people who had long passed were spoken of like they were still here. She was completely disoriented and even thought that Ty (her grandson) was my ex. All night she kept referring to how nice it was that Keath could make it. I don't even think she knew we were no longer together....it's a big puzzle to her with the border pieces missing. Things just aren't fitting together and she wasn't "connecting" things at all, yet she was struggling to. Her "slumped" posture worsened as the night progressed and at one point she looked as if she were going to slide right out of her wheelchair. That was the point that I took her back to her room and the nightmare began. Let's just say that when you're unable to get someone on a commode that they need to use, it becomes heartwrenching. Dignity is thrown out the window as you try anything to "get the job done". Christ, who ever would've thought peeing could create such chaos. It was then that I broke down. I left the room for a minute and just lost it. Ty is very perceptive - especially when it comes to me and his protectiveness of me....he quickly tuned into something being wrong. I tried to shield him from the inevitable pain of my Mom's condition, but it was no use. He was already shook up from witnessing the little bit that he had. He had no idea what was happening in her room and thank God for that. In a matter of days, Mom's gone from sitting up smoking, drinking tea and having a perfectly normal conversation with us to not being able to sit up (she kept toppling over to her right, cigarette in hand) and not knowing where she was or what day it was. Devastating.

I hate to bring everyone down at this festive time, but that's my reality. I will probably always associate Christmas with this one from here on in and I'm just sorry that it was such a nightmare for all (especially the kids). Yesterday, after my ex picked up Ty & Linds to take them for the day I sat on the floor, put on Tripoli and cried my fucking heart out. I sang, too, changing the words as I went along...."strange how, you're not with us" and "where's my Mom gone?". My Mom is gone - the Mom I knew will never be again. We've snuck out to our last garage sale. The one who found every stupid joke hilarious now doesn't remember when to laugh. I don't drink, but the bottle of wine given to me by a customer was nearby. I grabbed it and swigged a couple of big chugs right out of the bottle (Eddie Vedder would've been proud of me). I then braced myself for what I knew I had to do. I went to Mom's and took her, by ambulance, to palliative care. I know I did the right thing, Dad's buckling and wouldn't have done it. He would've gone down with her. I cried all night but had comfort knowing I did what was right and that she'll get the proper care there. That just doesn't make it any easier, that's all. I sat with Mom a long time and couldn't tear myself away from her bed...but the kids were home alone Christmas day so I had to be a mother, as well as a grieving daughter. I composed myself and came home to try and salvage some form of "Christmas" for them. I played guitar hero with them and totally sucked, which was hilarious to them. I even laughed. Then we watched Linds' new Yeah Yeah Yeah's DVD and Ty's Pearl Jam one. Weird. This has been the strangest Christmas I've ever experienced....it certainly put a new spin on things and put everything into perspective. I didn't do very well at the shopping or decorating but we were all together and that's something sometimes taken for granted. Enjoy each other. Every single day.(This is Mom on our outing to the casino right before things went downhill)

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

other than I'm sorry for what you're going through..I don't know what to say...that must have been horrible for you..being able to put that out here for others...strangers...to read, must have been difficult also..i doubt i could do it...many of us here that are getting older have gone through similar things with parents..although I miss my father terribly...and i do remember the indiginties he went through, I only have good memories of him and those overshadow the time he was ill...take care

11:06 PM  
Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

Deb, I am so sorry for the heartache that you and your family are going through. This sounds so similar to what my own mom is experiencing, so if it helps to know that I can completely understand, please know that.

My mom's deterioration is slower, but she lives firmly in the past as well, talking to her own mother who died when she was 5, telling us she is getting married. She has also reverted almost entirely to speaking in German (and her voice is just a whisper) so communication is tough. She no longer leaves the care home but back when we would try to bring her to my brother's for Christmas, we had the same issues with the wheelchair accessibility and the indignity of the bathroom.

My heart goes out to you. You know that you did the best thing by allowing her palliative care, and I hope that it makes her life, and yours and your father's, somewhat easier.
Bless you.

8:40 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

kelly...that gives me hope - that you only have the good memories. I sometimes think afterward "why did I share that?" and wish I hadn't. But I guess somehow it's a bit of a selfish move as I let it out rather than hold it in. Kind of my own rendition of psychotherapy.

Barbara...I didn't know, I'm sorry to hear that. Most people don't share their innermost private moments and I've always been a bit of a blabbermouth...I've just always been very frank, open and honest. I wish sometimes I didn't let the entire world into my pain, but I know it helps me to hear that others endure the same things and are strong (like you)...I gather strength from that. I thank you. Things are better now, now that we've got some help for her. Watching her suffer/struggle at home was the worst part and now that she's in hospital I know that she's in good hands.

8:59 AM  
Blogger Toccata said...

Oh Deb, I am so sorry for what you are having to go through. What Kelly says is just so important abut the good memories overshadowing the illness.

I've been sitting at this computer trying to sort out my own words and feelings but can't quite do it. My younger brother died of cancer when I was 10 and even all these years later it's tough. For a time his death really fractured our family and holidays in particular were hell. I have always felt we made his death larger than his life and that is just extruciatingly sad.

Don't ever worry about expressing your feelings. I think what you have to say is important and you never know but I suspect your written words are helping others while at the same time helping yourself to cope. Just know that sometimes we might not know how to respond but we are there for you. I say that because I read your post last night and was too shaken to respond. Now I can't seem to shut up!

Take care and try and take some comfort in knowing your mother is in good hands.

9:48 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

tocatta...first of all, let me say how sorry I am about your brother. Although they say "time heals all wounds", I don't totally buy it. I think it helps us to cope a bit better, but it never "heals" them.

When I post like this I always have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I want to be honest and let people know that I'm still here, just not really. And I'm not one to put on a happy face when I'm down...honesty is sometimes my worst attribute.

I also feel bad if I invoke a feeling of sadness to others through my post. I don't want to do that. But I always feel that when we share things it helps us, so I'm hoping that's the case.

I truly feel blessed to know you (all). Although my social life is basically non existent in the "real" world, my friends here help me more than they know.

I'm o.k. - actually I'm "good" now that I know Mom's in the best place, as far as receiving treatment/attention. It was much worse when she was at home and helpless - those images will stick with me. This is all part of life and I'm coping pretty well...her paralysis was a prelude to what would inevitably come one day. We almost lost her twenty years ago and this has all been a bonus - doesn't make it "easy", just helps put it all in perspective.

Thanks, again. I'll be alright. And you've helped with that. ;)

12:51 PM  
Blogger Toccata said...

Deb, I'm relieved you are finding some much needed comfort in knowing your mother is where she can be properly taken care of.

You said you worry about invoking a feeling of sadness in others when you post your feelings. Don't. Of course I can't speak for the others but I know that commenting on my brother's death was difficult but then that led to remembering the cherished memories I have of our time together and that my friend is a gift in itself.

Take care my friend.

4:43 PM  
Blogger Allison said...

Deb,
I'm sorry to hear about your mothers deterioration. My heart is with you and your family. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now, but I know what its like to have a loved one pass and be ill over Christmas, and its hard to disassociate.

As the others have mentioned, its good to know that your mother is in proper care now. I used to volunteer in a palliative care unit.

I can't seem to think of anything else so say Deb, other than I'm sorry and you should know that you did the right thing.
Thinking of you and your family right now.

9:46 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

Allison...you're a sweetheart - thank you.

8:33 AM  
Blogger mellowlee said...

Oh my gawsh Deb! Im really sorry I wasn't around to give you big hugs. I cried when i read this post. I hope you are going to be ok
*HUGS*

8:02 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

Thanks Mel...I feel your hugs from here. I'm o.k., as o.k. as one can be I guess. I mean, it's part of life and my parents are getting older but I just don't think you're ever "ready" for them to go. Mom's 71 - that's not THAT old by today's standards. I was kind of hoping she'd be around to see the kids get married, etc. I'm still not counting that out...we'll see. Things look pretty bad right now...they're moving her to a hospice on Tuesday. And we all know what hospices are. I just hope she fools 'em all - it wouldn't surprise me. She's feisty and full of spirit (again). Last night she told all the nurses prodding and poking her that if they didn't look out they'd be getting one back. I think they're scared of her now. (Normally she'd tell me that, but not them)

4:59 PM  

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