Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Sorry I'm not a good liar. I did the bike ride in an attempt to work out some of what I'm feeling today. I woke up with this immense sadness this morning and one of the "waves" hit before I went to work. The realization, the guilt, the questions...all of it. No need to respond. It's just that I'm faking it today. I feel like shit, opened the wine after the bike ride, drank two glasses and didn't even go to the hospital. I'm going to bed now because I am exhausted. Dad and I even had a "moment" on the phone - it's weighing heavy now on both of us. And usually when Dad and I have a moment, I'd call Mom and we'd end up laughing in the end.

Why did I just tell you all that? I guess because sometimes I feel like a big fraud. I tried, but today it just wasn't happening for me. I went through the motions but it wouldn't go away. And, as today wears on, it gets worse instead of better. I did have a good day or two, but I'm afraid this black cloud's gonna' follow me for awhile and I don't know that you guys need to hold the umbrella for me.

Maybe tomorrow will be another good day. I just know today was not, that when I woke up and heard an old voice message from Mom, it killed me. Then, when I went to the river, I sat and thought about the time she almost drowned there trying to learn to swim. She had nine lives, that pussycat.

I am a mess and am all over the board. I'll be o.k., I just don't think I am right now.

No sympathy necessary - seriously, that's not what I'm after. This roller coaster I'm on is just part of the deal that I have to go through, avoidance of it isn't possible. I just have to buckle down for the ride. And there is no easy way to post when you're experiencing death. Especially when it's the death of your best friend.

I've never been this "unbalanced"....I'm always the strong one who keeps things in check when everyone else falls apart. I've been doing it for years now. I guess now it's my turn. I just don't want to lose you guys here. And I'm afraid if I go away, you all will too. Hang in, I'll have a better day tomorrow. I hope.


Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

You are going through the grieving process already and that is completely understandable, and that's just something that you have to work through at your own pace.

Don't ever worry about losing us. We are far too evil to ever leave you alone! (well, I guess I can only speak for myself there)

9:06 AM  
Blogger Allison said...

No, I second Barb. Don't ever think we'll go away, I'm fairly stubborn and determined and will always return!

Work through everything at your own pace, and if that means not posting, it means not posting. Everything takes an ebb and flow pattern.

10:32 AM  

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