Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Who Knew?Tonight was one filled with sadness as the roller coaster ride continues. Mom's going downhill - even her nurse confirmed it. She's skin and bones under those blankets and Pam says things are shutting down. She's confused, uncomfortable and restless. I've been strong, but tonight was a buckler for me. I sat in the dark, dabbing tears from my face as she repeated, over and over, "I don't know what I'm doing". She hasn't eaten in two days and she's sleeping most of the time. Except nighttime, when it's time for me to leave...then she becomes scared and disoriented and I hate to leave her. I worked until two, came home and did a bit here then was at the hospice from 6-10. I'd like to spend every minute there if I could. I don't know how much more she can's fucking awful.

The picture is the last one I took of she and I together...we were at the casino. She loved gambling, was a poker/blackjack player from way back. On this particular trip she didn't feel "right", so we did nothing. We never spent a dime - we left pretty much as soon as we got there. I thought it was very strange that she didn't want to do anything. Little did we know.....


Blogger 668 aka neighbour of the beast said...

i feel for you. my mom died a few years ago and i see a few similar elements in your post.

11:53 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

Im very sorry to hear that. Nothing can "prepare" you for death, can it? I mean, I know it's coming but how can you be "ready"? It comes in waves for sure.

12:05 AM  
Blogger 668 aka neighbour of the beast said...

i think the only thing you can do, is take things one day at a time, and never feel bad for anything.

1:15 AM  
Blogger Women on the Verge said...

oh deb... I'm so sorry. It's awful going through what you're having to go through. I'm thinking of you.


6:12 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

Thanks 668 & E. It really is awful and there's no escaping it...when her nurse said last night, "oh my God, she's getting so skinny, her body's shutting down" it hit me. Although I know what we're in for, I guess as long as we aren't talking about it I can pretend it's not happening. Reality sucks.

7:41 AM  
Blogger LaLa said...

*Big Hug*

8:59 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

thanks sweetie...needed it ;)

3:57 PM  
Blogger whitenoise said...

I can never find the right words, but- best wishes sent your way.

5:32 AM  

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