Tonight was one filled with sadness as the roller coaster ride continues. Mom's going downhill - even her nurse confirmed it. She's skin and bones under those blankets and Pam says things are shutting down. She's confused, uncomfortable and restless. I've been strong, but tonight was a buckler for me. I sat in the dark, dabbing tears from my face as she repeated, over and over, "I don't know what I'm doing". She hasn't eaten in two days and she's sleeping most of the time. Except nighttime, when it's time for me to leave...then she becomes scared and disoriented and I hate to leave her. I worked until two, came home and did a bit here then was at the hospice from 6-10. I'd like to spend every minute there if I could. I don't know how much more she can take...it's fucking awful.

The picture is the last one I took of she and I together...we were at the casino. She loved gambling, was a poker/blackjack player from way back. On this particular trip she didn't feel "right", so we did nothing. We never spent a dime - we left pretty much as soon as we got there. I thought it was very strange that she didn't want to do anything. Little did we know.....