You know, I realized tonight that I'm angry. It's not my usual disposition...the real me is bubbly, nutty and love life. But that's being stripped away right now and I just feel jaded, hopeless and tired. It's raining, the music is making me cry and I realize it all ties in to Mom. Linds had a "really good" (her words) dream about her last night...we were dancing in a park and Mom was twirling around on crutches saying "Linds, look at me". Mom was fun. She made us laugh and would try anything. Nothing upset her or seemed to shock her...she was level headed and took everything in stride. She couldn't stand arguing, yelling or knowing one of us was hurt. She was generous beyond anything I've ever seen. She loved to laugh. No, she's not gone, but in a way she is. Last night was crushing when, out of the blue she said, "Deb, I want to go home". I said, "why Mom?" and she said "to do my puzzles". Then she drifted away again. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through and I'm not even going to pretend it's not affecting me - it is. I see my posts are all bitches and complaints and I'm just really going through the motions. I'm directing this anywhere I can. I guess there's really no easy way to lose someone you love. Especially when it's long and drawn out and they don't understand it. Sorry guys, just a rough spot. Back later...maybe the Canucks can do the trick.
posted by Deb at 7:38 PM
8 Comments:
Deb that must be so hard - to see your mom slipping away on you.
My mom lives in a dream world, but it's her mind that is gone, her health is decent. She actually seems to enjoy her inner life - she goes to weddings every night apparently. I hope that with her failing health, your mom can find some solace in a nice fantasy world when things get tough for her, even though it will remove her from you somewhat.
Deb, I can only imagine what you must be going through right now. You and yours will be in my thoughts.
Just one of those waves that hit out of nowhere. Thanks my friends, I'm so tired of putting this out there but you guys are the reason...I know it gets better when I hear from you. And it really does.
Barb...the dream world is bearable, isn't it? For at least that means there's peace. Mom wavers back and forth and she is very scared/disoriented when she's not in that world. She's childlike and it's heartwrenching to leave her at night...she can't see very well and she just lays there all night, wondering what's going on. And calling out for us (the nurses tell us...God knows why they do that).
lala...why are you home? I'm coming to your blog to find out?
He has to work early tomorrow, so he asked about switching to tomorrow night and I agreed. So tomorrow is the day, no ifs, ands, or buts!
Whew...well we need a full report, k? ;)
I think many of us who are getting older "I'm just maturing"?...have gone through this. You're right there is no easy way, long and drawn out, short and quick...its all painful and we always feel so much of the .."i wish I did and I shoulda done...etc". I think you are on such an emotional roller coaster with your mom, your health, your daughter, that sometimes you're gonna break down ..exhaustion and a sense of not being able to be in control or help could be part of it...but don't worry about the rough spots..not having rough spots would be a surprise.
Sorry, Deb, the words never really say it- but sending some best wishes your way.
I wish you strength to make it through this. I can't imagine... life can be soooo hard sometimes.
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