Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I have 800 half finished things on the "to do" list and I really don't feel like doing any of them so I'm wallowing around in ignorant bliss, pretending I'm 12 and that my homework isn't that important. The internet is (of course). I'm doing one hell of a good procrastinating job and holy shit, is it almost February? That sucks.

I'm tired.

Tired of fighting fights with stratas and litigants and dentists and doctors.

Tired of housework (pigs seem quite happy to me).

Basically, I think I'm tired of responsibility.

You know, I see the ex and he's carefree and, besides punching the clock from 6-3, his life is his own. No mortgage (he rents). No worries re fixing things (the landlord does it). No fighting with the 16 year old daughter who thinks 1:35 am is a good time to be picked up each night (it's not). No grocery shopping or laundromat fights. How is it fair?

Sometimes I want to run away....even just for a couple of days.

I was once carefree and happy - beach bag in hand, the world my oyster. Now I live in stress city and worry is my neighbor. Do I want to go back?...no, I've had my day. But I guess I never really bargained for this. Being on my own, working my ass off just to make sure my kids have a future. Not really living life, just getting through it.

I've had very few holidays in my life time.

I went to Disneyland (and beyond) with my parents once when I was too old to wanna go. I didn't want to leave my friends and "hmmmf'd", arms crossed and scowling, through the entire trip. We'd never done family holidays and, quite frankly, I'd learned to live without them. During summer vacation, at 12 years old, the last thing I wanted to do was hang out with my parents. So, although I appreciate that they tried - the timing was off. Disneyland probably would've made me happy at 7 but, as a preteen, I wasn't feeling it. The donkey zebra picture (below) is from that trip. I will post the others as I find them...each and every one is a miserable shot of me being miserable. Seriously...every single one - arms crossed and scowling, which wasn't really what I was all about. But damn I missed my friends that two weeks.

It was a bus trip and a wheel flew off on the highway at 100 mph. We ended up in the grassy meridian that divided the lanes and probably saved us. Yeeha. I slept through the whole thing.

I did go to Hawaii with my two girlfriends. Now THAT was something...we tore the place up. Literally. I think I've told the story of riding a (ahem) "borrowed" Moped through a hotel lobby. Oh, to be young again. Or maybe not.

K & I had a great honeymoon in Maui. Sort of.

My second trip to Disneyland was with K and the kids. It was at the peak of his insanity/drinking and he caused a huge scene that I can't even talk about to this day. Yeeha (once again)....I wanna go home.

I need to get away. I know it's almost impossible at this point, but somehow I have to figure out a plan. Or at least dream about a vacation. Hitch up my donkbra.....I'm outta here soon.

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Blogger Whitenoise said...

Deb, I feel for ya. Heck, I think most of us are in the same boat, different seats, somewhat different view, but same boat. Hang in- you deserve something really good in your life, and it's going to come for you someday.

Very hot photo of you in the bikini, BTW... ;-)

8:29 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

Thanks, so much whitenoise.

You have no idea how much it means to have you for a friend.

It's overwhelming sometimes, isn't it? I mean, once upon a time we only had ourselves to care for...having kids puts a whole new spin on things.

It's not too often that lonliness rears its ugly head but, when it does, it kind of blindsides me. You know, feeling like I'm in this all on my own.

Again, thanks for being there. Maybe a workout can fix this temporarily. ;)

9:56 AM  
Blogger Allison said...

If you ever visit over here, there is always an extra couch.

Loneliness always creeps up at the worst times, at least you can take solace in the fact you have a good support system.

Chin up, yours has yet to come. :)

I love the photos, btw.

11:01 AM  
Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

You sure did rock that bikini! Actually I'll bet you still do.

This is a brutal time of year - Christmas bills, months and months of winter ahead, I hope you can take a small vacation in your mind at least. Chocolate is a good start.

11:54 AM  
Blogger Barbara Doduk said...

I think we all need a vacation. A maid, a personal assistant and someone to hold our hand.

2:42 PM  
Blogger Eddie said...

very nice picture, sounds like you need your feet rubed and a nice cup of hot tea, hope you feel better dear..eddie

3:24 PM  
Blogger jim dandy said...

I think it's time for someone to pull some kitchen chairs together in the living room, drape blankets over them to create a little fort, take the phone off the hook and crawl inside with some junk food and comics books.
(Don't forget your flashlight and soda pop.)

5:47 PM  
Blogger Whitenoise said...

oh-forgot to mention that I passed thru YVR a couple times in the past 2 days... how'd you like the snow... ;-)

7:12 PM  
Blogger mellowlee said...

Hang in there baby! Until the time comes when we can afford vacations, we should plan some fun, less expensive things to do together k?

It seems like all my co-workers are always going off to Africa, Miami, Japan, etc etc...everyone but meeee! One day I will actually go somewhere spectacular!

:O) Love ya Debs XOXO

7:28 PM  
Blogger junky said...

Rock that bikini a little south yowzza :)

I went to Disenyworld at 15 with Dad, same thing I was 2 old to care. 1st. and only "family vacation".
Unless you count being in the band which is a vacation without sight seeing. I've never went anywhere for pleasure, except our honeymoon.
Kids do put a spin on it, I'm glad I got the wanderlust out and I'm looking forward to be able to vacation with her.
Maybe personal but does the ex help out, Barbies' doesn't so I know what your saying it seems with all the work you never have time to do what you want, such is life I guess.
Birth, School, Work, Death.

8:37 PM  
Anonymous kelly said...

I can understand what you're saying...being responsible sucks somedays and seeing others getting away without being responsible sucks. Would be nice if a day was just for you. I know its a very temporary thing but have you thought of taking a day, hitting the gym then getting a nice long full body massage? I recommend hot stone massage. Take care

10:43 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

Al...one day I WOULD like to get over there. Problem is, by the time I do, you'll probably be back here. :(
Thanks for the well wishes...they really help.

Barb...thank God for chocolate, hey? I guess it's not that uncommon to be in a funk at this time of year...from what I'm hearing from others, they're feeling it too. Bring on spring/summer (and get all the taxes over with already).

Barb D...yeah, I could use all of the above. :)

eddie...nice to see you back! Tea and a foot rub, that'd probably do'er.

jim dandy...those are some wise words my man. Have you been doing models in yours?

w/n...I waved at you. I think. I hate the snow and it can leave any time now. Actually, I love looking at it - it's just the idiot drivers that ruin it all.

mel...as soon as we're all feeling better, let's do it (the antibiotics I was on didn't really do the trick and I'm still fighting a bit of a chest thingee).

junky...the ex helps somewhat with child support (I never went for any spousal). What bugs me is that this place is mine...Mom and I found it and I sold property I bought before we were married to put the d/p on it. And he hasn't paid a cent for anything since he left (10 yrs). Yet dumb Deb put his name on the title and he thinks it's half his! I've invested thousands and he's going to cash in on the investment one day unless I fight it out in court (it's almost quadrupled in value). I get all the headaches and he worries about nothing.

kelly...hey, long time. That sounds SOOO good...all of these things do. Right now it's a time thing and I better make some.

I think part of it is when I start working more and I'm sick and can't work out I really get down. No me time. :( waaaa.

Thanks to all of you. I'm sure there will always be rough spots. And that I'm not the only one who experiences them. Am hanging in there and you guys help so much with that. :)

1:00 AM  
Blogger busterp said...

Someday you'll look back and see how well you handled things.

Nice pic - get me 11 more for my Deb's Hot Calendar -2008.

12:03 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

busterp :) you always make me smile. Thank you.

4:21 PM  

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