Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The plan yesterday (for Lindsay's birthday) was for me to pick everyone up after work at 5:30 and then head to Dad's for a get together. Sounds easy enough?

The day was going along smoothly at work when all of a sudden the phone rang and it was Linds, she had a worried tone.

"Mom, the hospital called and you have to phone them right back about something".

Now, that's not an easy call to take.

I had to serve a customer before I could make the call - my hands started shaking and it was all I could do to get through the transaction.

I then dialed the number Linds gave me and quickly realized it was a follow up to the mammogram I had last week (that I'd long forgotten about). Whew, everyone was o.k.

The woman said I needed to book another appointment for further testing "ASAP". It was to be at a different location, blah, blah, blah.

She asked if I could come first thing Wednesday morning (I couldn't - I'm scheduled to work, although I'd find a way if it was an emergency). We booked for later on Wednesday and then I asked why the urgency. She said I had a "mass" on my right side. And then we hung up.

"OK, no big deal."

"It's just follow up"

I tried to reassure myself, but wished I'd asked more questions. Or that the robot on the other end had offered more information or the slightest bit of reassurance, which she hadn't.

I stood there, a little rattled and for the last couple hours of my shift I found myself working myself up into a bit of a frenzy. I fought back tears as I thought of "what ifs". By the time 5:30 rolled around I was a bit of a mess and thank God I could come home.

I rushed home, poured myself a glass of wine and cried.

Now I know this could be nothing and is part of the routine...if anything shows up, further testing is required. It doesn't MEAN anything.

I've been through this before...same side, same spot. There was a mass a few years ago and I was closely monitored every couple of months for just over a year. And then, without any explanations as to why, the appointments ended. Nothing was discussed with me and I assumed that no news was good news and whatever they were looking at was nothing.

But now it's back in the picture so I'm wrestling with my thoughts over this.

Was it something then and the ball was eventually dropped and now I'm a couple years in?

Was it nothing and this is another nothing?

Fuck, who needs this shit right now.

It was all I could do to keep from showing my emotion last night. The good thing was that, for Lindsay's party, it had me realize the importance of enjoying those moments with family and we laughed and danced and I focused on nothing but my beautiful family. Usually I'm an anxious flurry of organization...running around, making sure this is hot and that person's got a drink and so on. But I didn't give a fuck. I just wanted to take it all in.

Life is not a given.

What also hit me was something from my past.

Ty and I were having "a moment" once right before we learned that Mom had brain cancer. I was devastated at watching her deteriorate and the struggle she had each day. Even the simplest things were huge obstacles for her and I just felt tired for her and one night I came home exhausted, frustrated and, well, despondent.

Ty had said "well what?....do you wish she was dead?".

And, in that moment of heartache, I answered honestly and off the cuff..."Yes. Sometimes I do". I meant for her sake. To end the struggle.

It was awful for me to say that - immediately afterward I thought "did I really just say that?". But so was watching someone I loved struggle so much on an ongoing basis - life was no longer fun for Mom at that point, it was a chore.

So when my ex was being a douchebag and Lindsay's counsellors were wanting meetings and my boss was sick and needed me to cover on my Friday off (for a double shift) and my cold was getting worse and both toilets broke last week, I mumbled something about "some days I wish I were dead". I'm dramatic like that. A drama queen. It's all just venting and extremely immature.

But now I'm scared. Woops, didn't mean it.

FTR, I also said I wished I'd win the lottery.

Anyhow - I'm trying to be brave and, after talking to some people who have reassured me, feel that this is not a big deal.

But did I ever experience a whirlwind of emotion yesterday. I haven't really slept much in the past 4 days....today it's caught up with me and I feel like I could drop. I look like shit...the bags under my eyes are ridiculous.

My new line of thinking is that God's "punking" me and damn if it isn't enough already. I've had enough.

I'm back to laughing in the face of adversity today. Just try and knock me down...pfft. Good luck with that. I had another of my "dramatic" episodes (again - immature), and I phoned and left a message for the ex (after promising myself that I'm done with him and will NOT treat him like a friend anymore. "Writing him off"). I've been doing really well at avoiding anything confrontational with him and have refused to engage in any arguing. I just won't give him kindling for his fire...but yesterday that all went out the window. I needed a release and he's been so awful to me lately that I decided he'd make a good scapegoat. I left him a message and it gave ME a chance to lash out. It wasn't the right thing to do, but it sure felt right at the time. Hey, I'm only human.

I vented in his direction and told him "if I didn't get the fucking money he owed me that all hell would break loose" (whatever that means? LOL even). That I'm a damn good mother and he wasn't going to convince me otherwise. That he needs to get his lame ass act together quick or I'm done communicating with him.

Two seconds later the phone rang (it was him). Boy, that got action.

Sometimes I feel like my life's a bad soap opera that I can't get out of. But the stubborn mule in me refuses to give in to the stress and I'm rebelling today. The sun is shining and I'm saying screw the housework (again) and am heading off for a walk before work (yes - to my "spot").

If anyone needs me, I'll be at my rock. But don't call if the news is bad (please). I'm too busy trying to enjoy life to care.



Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

Oh Deb, how frightening that must be! I know that they always tell you that these screenings don't necessarily mean anything (and that you've had previous experience with a scare), but OF COURSE you are going to be frightened and wondering what if.

I'll be thinking of you when you go for the retest and calling whatever karma points I may have, to pass along to you, for a clean test. Stay strong, babe.

8:56 PM  
Blogger Toccata said...

Oh gosh Deb. Oh man I am so sorry but I am ever so grateful that you are at least getting in right away. My thoughts are so with you right now and I just wish I could be there right now and hold your hand or least do something remotely comforting. Hang in there my friend.

9:57 PM  
Anonymous kelly said...

I can relate to what you're going through. Had an experience about 10 years ago. My lump turned out to be just a cyst but...I can remember the feelings and the denial and the dread and the fear..

One good thing it did for me...removed any sense of modesty I may have had

Best wishes

12:41 AM  
Blogger countrymouse said...

Wow--I'm putting myself in your shoes and trying to imagine getting through work after that phone call.

Sending good, strong vibes your way. Hope all is well!

2:23 AM  
Blogger Allison said...

Oh, Deb I hope everything turns out okay. Thinking of you, and sending good thoughts your way! Stay strong.

10:43 AM  

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