I'm Not A Good Loser

Gotta' do this. I'm pissed that we're not going to the show tonight. I never expected we would be and shouldn't have such a lousy attitude, BUT I DO. I guess this is part of it...yesterday was a really good day. I was happy at work, minding my own business when Ty called me about the email to MG deal. And I kind of wish he would've never seen it. Because then he told Linds, who's just starting to come out of a deep depression that's lasted since November. She's not completely o.k., but she's made a lot of progress lately. And I just don't like setting her up for failure at such a fragile time in her life. I know, part of life and "get over it". But a lot's happened with/to her lately and she just didn't need any more heartache. She hardly slept last night and was checking her email every couple of minutes. And that's part of the problem. When her boyfriend went back to France, she spent every night checking her email in the wee hours in the dark. Nothing. And I just hate seeing her being disappointed, all over again. MG is her fucking IDOL - the only thing to rouse her out of bed when she was smack dab in the middle of her funk. Today is kind of shit around here. Ty's disappointed that his gesture for his sister failed. He so wanted it for her. Not because she's someone wanting to see a concert. Because she's needing affirmation that she's "worthy" of kindness and attention. She is in counselling and it's deep. We just didn't need to build up her hopes to only have them totally deflated. Really bad timing!

Don't get me wrong, she's out shopping at Metrotown and will be fine (today). It's just that, somewhere deep within her, this will be another rejection and I know that tonight, as she lay in her bed, she'll wonder why she wasn't picked. And somehow she'll interpret that as something about her - that SHE isn't good enough to go. She's 15 - it's part of the deal at that age. Self esteem isn't something that's in abundance when you're her age. I would've never shown her Matt's blog - I would've simply submitted something (on her behalf, as Ty did) and then let it rest. And she would've never known that she wasn't "picked". Only if she had been.

Anyhow, she will be o.k. in the end....it's just that every little sign of "you're not good enough/we didn't pick you" sets her back about 10 notches inside. And we're trying to move forward here.

I realized today that I'd sent my submission to the wrong email...a sign that things just weren't meant to be I guess. But I so wanted this for Linds - a "boost" before she faces those bastards at the school again. It would've put her in such a great frame of mind....oh well, what could've been isn't gong to be.

I'm a fucking shitty loser. Not usually, but today I am.

That's the end of today's bitchfest. Thanks for coming.