Nothing Nice To Say
I'm really crabby today and have been most of the weekend. I don't like to be a total bummer and negative, which is why I'm going to "chill" a few days and get my act together.
First, I was bummed over the MG thing....I'm a poor loser and a bitch and wanted everyone's hair to catch on fire who was there, enjoying what we would've loved. But, in following the live blogging, I quickly changed my mind and felt very "included" (I think the feeling "excluded" had been a big factor in why I was pulling out my voodoo doll..."hhmmf...what's wrong with ME? Are they better than ME?"). Issues. I have serious fucking issues. I'm over that now and am glad those people had the experience of a lifetime - still wish we would've but, hey, at least someone did.
Now what's kicking the shit out of me today? Number 1 biggie - the anniversary of putting my girl to sleep. It fades, but never goes away and I miss her so much. I think that's why I've been so bitchy all weekend (well, that and pms). I think that, subconsciously, this time of year just tunes me in to missing her and remembering that god awful day (I carried her down the street to the vet - she was too weak to walk or go in the car). Then my drunk friend showed up at the vet, despite me telling her to leave me alone during what should have been a very private moment. Her intentions may have been good, but she barged right in the room, disrupting Kok as I tried to give her a very calm, peaceful send off. It was ugly for me...not the way to say good bye to a best friend of 15 years.
Less important but still a piss off...that new camera I bought and was posting zillions of pictures from - gone. Stolen, from right outta' my bike bag. So I'm very unimpressed, uninspired and feeling downright sorry for myself.
Anyhow, material shit - I'll survive. But the $300 I dropped (including memory card/charger/batteries) may as well have been flushed. I won't get another one. I just can't afford it and that really sucks.
On a positive/negative note - Andre's playing his final tournament. I've been watching him play for 20 years now - it's going to be so strange without him in tennis. I guess Nadal's my new guy. I shall shed many more tears this week, then hopefully pull myself together and get on with it. I must go help him now, he's struggling and needs my cheering through the TV. Later.
First, I was bummed over the MG thing....I'm a poor loser and a bitch and wanted everyone's hair to catch on fire who was there, enjoying what we would've loved. But, in following the live blogging, I quickly changed my mind and felt very "included" (I think the feeling "excluded" had been a big factor in why I was pulling out my voodoo doll..."hhmmf...what's wrong with ME? Are they better than ME?"). Issues. I have serious fucking issues. I'm over that now and am glad those people had the experience of a lifetime - still wish we would've but, hey, at least someone did.
Now what's kicking the shit out of me today? Number 1 biggie - the anniversary of putting my girl to sleep. It fades, but never goes away and I miss her so much. I think that's why I've been so bitchy all weekend (well, that and pms). I think that, subconsciously, this time of year just tunes me in to missing her and remembering that god awful day (I carried her down the street to the vet - she was too weak to walk or go in the car). Then my drunk friend showed up at the vet, despite me telling her to leave me alone during what should have been a very private moment. Her intentions may have been good, but she barged right in the room, disrupting Kok as I tried to give her a very calm, peaceful send off. It was ugly for me...not the way to say good bye to a best friend of 15 years.
Less important but still a piss off...that new camera I bought and was posting zillions of pictures from - gone. Stolen, from right outta' my bike bag. So I'm very unimpressed, uninspired and feeling downright sorry for myself.
Anyhow, material shit - I'll survive. But the $300 I dropped (including memory card/charger/batteries) may as well have been flushed. I won't get another one. I just can't afford it and that really sucks.
On a positive/negative note - Andre's playing his final tournament. I've been watching him play for 20 years now - it's going to be so strange without him in tennis. I guess Nadal's my new guy. I shall shed many more tears this week, then hopefully pull myself together and get on with it. I must go help him now, he's struggling and needs my cheering through the TV. Later.
posted by Deb at 7:03 PM
7 Comments:
Thanks, your swearing is extremely comforting. I did a fair bit of my own. It's 5:14 am and apparently things get worse before they get better.
My daughter is at the lake and my son left today for his girlfriend's for a few. He called tonight and I reported that I was having a very leisurely night and going to bed early, in the hopes of having a fresh start/new outlook tomorrow. The phone rang at 1:30 a.m. - I'd been tossing and turning and had just fallen asleep - it was Dad. Mom had been rushed to emerg by ambulance. I got dressed and headed straight there.
I've just returned and have not slept a wink (yet). Which is why I am here - I don't think I can. I'm kind of bouncing off the walls now. She's had (another) major seizure, in which she fell and wiped out a glass table. She's had them before - but this one was different. She's a fucking trooper...as she was coming around she was more worried that she'd missed the highlights from the Agassi match (which she'd already seen, 3 times).
I just got home and now can't sleep. It's a big worry, Mom tries so hard but things are catching up with her - as if being paralyzed by stroke isn't enough. She never complains and she just does the best she can with what she's got. She's truly inspirational to me. I'm not quite as brave as her - I'm hanging in (barely) but will probably not sleep tonight. Thank God tomorrow (oh, I mean today) is my (only) day off this week.
Adding insult to injury tonight...as I was TRYING to leave the hospital parking lot the ticket machine in the parking lot wouldn't accept my money, stranding me in the locked lot at 4:30 a.m. What genius decided it would be a good idea to charge people who are in a state of panic and fear of losing their loved ones for parking their car while they're doing so? Brilliant. I know that my first thought as someone I love is having a seizure and being rushed by ambulance to hospital isn't "do I have enough cash on me?". How about this instead - put those parking machines in BAR parking lots so the drunks have to contend with fumbling around for $2.50/hour before they can leave - probably save a lot of DWI's (and lives) as they'd be forced to leave their cars behind. Hospital emergency wards should be the last place that you have to worry about parking fees. Bullshit, that's what it is.
Arrgghhhh, it sucks when everything shitty just piles up on top of eachother. I'm really sorry to hear about what happened with your Mom, but from everything you've told me about her, she's TOTALLY a trooper, and it's a good thing that she's more concerned about tennis than anything else. Show's where her head is at, and focusing on what makes her happy is key.
I totally agree with you about the parking lot thing too. They definitely should stick those damn pay meter things in bar parking lots, I thought it would stop a lot of shit from happening just because the drunks would give up and call or cab or just fall asleep on the pavement. :P
I'll be thinking of you. :) The best to you and your family.
<3
Oh what a terrible way to say your final farewell. I'm sorry your memory is happier.
Barbara, I'm very confused by your comment. :P Did that come out wrong?
Barbara - thank you...you're right, I've found a way to eliminiate that part of it because it really was quite a fiasco. The friend in question is no longer much of one...she was showing signs of a drinking problem BEFORE that incident and she doesn't want help and can be quite belligerent. So I've had to move on and leave her behind.
Alana - Barbara's reference was to my dog and the fact that my friend barged into her final moments despite me wanting my space.
I appreciate all the support, it means the world to me. I HATE being negative on here and don't like soliciting for sympathy. I'm usually very strong but occassionally, during some blips in life, I momentarily fall apart (which I'm currently doing). I'll be back on track in no time - apparently not today as Dad's just gone to the hospital and called me to say "don't come - there's been a fire in emergency and police have every entrance blocked and aren't allowing anyone in. The tv cameras are there so I'm trying to catch what the hell is going on on the news. When it rains it pours - hopefully this is the storm before the calm??
Thanks again, all of you.
*Super mega big HUGGLES* Sorry Deb! :(
Sorry you're having such a crappy week. I think most of us can relate to the anniversary depression. My friend just lost her cat after 19 years, its rough.
Hope the weekend makes you feel better!
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