Sunday, May 27, 2007

COMPUTERS ARE EVIL / GIANTS ARE GOD

About now, computers rate right up there with taxes, pap smears and dog shit on my shoe. Yep, I love 'em that much.

I got word yesterday that:



Lindsay's computer requires a new motherfuckingboard.

Lindsay's computer had almost run out of room on the harddrive and requires another one. Can you put a damn hot tub in there while you're at it?

Lindsay's computer had numerous viruses/spyware and I suspect the KGB, the CIA, Revenue Canada, SARS and the chicken flu were all probably lurking around in there somewhere too, just for good measure.

Lindsay's computer does not have the firewire port required for her new digicam and therefore one must be installed because spending $400 on her birthday just wasn't enough.

Lindsay's computer's cd drive had packed it in and she needs a new one because stealing music is important.

Lindsay's computer needs a new power supply.

LINDSAY'S COMPUTER NEEDS AN ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT AND SHOULD'VE BEEN SHOT AND PUT OUT OF ITS MISERY.

Fucking thing.

The damn thing'll be worth more than my car when I finish paying for it. (Wait, I think my flip flops are worth more than my car, but you get the point.) The problem is "Lance" (who does good work and fixed Ty's computer when it was down) was already $380 in when he discovered some of this, so there's no turning back now. I was expecting a bill similar to the last one...around $150-200. Have I told you that I'm delusional?

Honestly, I could've gone out and bought her a brand new computer by the time this bill is tallied - it'll be up around $550-600 when finished. Remember the good ol' days of TYPEWRITERS AND TELEPHONES? I long for those days. Big time. Whatever happened to passing notes to friends? Why'd they fix that when it wasn't broke?

So, to add insult to injury, today my MAC - you know Macs?...THOSE COMPUTERS THAT NEVER CRASH??!! Fuck that, they do. MINE JUST DID. They just try and act all cool about it. A little spizzle, fizzle fart kind of thing. IF YOU'RE GONNA' BLOW, AT LEAST MAKE IT EXCITING YOU PIECE OF SHIT. I'm angry today, have you noticed?

Anyhow, Lindsay was doing up a playlist to burn a CD when "click, frazzle, spit, black". Computer died. It sounded like it does when you turn it off...only it wouldn't allow me to log back on. Ty (my hero) worked on it, reinstalling things from the disks, and patiently following instructions. Which was much better than my way - a lot of "fuck you"ing and banshee type dancing around the keyboard. Witchcraft. Exorcism. None of it was working. So I called Ty and he eventually figured out a new way to log on...luckily so far so good. Just don't breathe or blink while here, o.k.? Seriously. He missed the whole first period of the Giants game to get me up and running...it was the best period of hockey I've seen in awhile. Yes, I watched it as he labored over this evil creature....it was in his best interest that I stayed out of the way. But I was standing nearby with a sledgehammer, just in case.

Have I told you how much I hate computers? I really do.

I'm going to watch the third period now...GO GIANTS!

**UPDATE: It's all good, my Giants just kicked Memorial Cup ass and won the tourney. W O O T ! !

Labels: ,

11 Comments:

Blogger Toccata said...

Oh my goodness. That post was hilarious right down to the label! I hate it when you go in with something and suddenly the price inches up ever so slowly to where suddenly you're like, "What the hell? How did this happen." I read this and thought, "Oh, oh Sammy Jo's paw all over again."

Yeah Giants! I had better send condolences to my folks.

4:42 PM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

re Lindsay's computer: all I could say would be "oh dear"!

5:05 PM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

O regarding viruses worms and moles or whatever they are called. I once had a floppy disk well actually about 5 of them. I filled them up with stuff I typed out at internet cafes. And within 2 months every single one had failed so badly the PC was saying "is this disk for an Apple Mac?"!!

5:07 PM  
Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

Damn, you give good rant!

Linds' computer is getting pricey - she's going to be taking out the garbage till she's 90.

7:37 PM  
Blogger kelly said...

I just looked everywhere in my computer for "motherfuckingboard" I can't find one......I'll call my mom and see if she knows what it is

9:02 PM  
Blogger mellowlee said...

Firstly, BIG WOOOOOOOOOOOTS for the Giants! And secondly, holy crap, yes you could totally get a brand new puter for that price. That is THE SUCK! Sorry for your puter woes Deb. I agree with Barb, you give good rant.

10:16 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

tc...I know, the price inched all the way up to "brokesville". At least we'll be set when we're homeless, what with our news beds and fully functioning computers and all.

gled...oh dear is probably better than how I worded it. Looking back over my post, I sure do have bad potty mouth when I'm frazzled.

Barb...you've got something there with that garbage idea. And I think the toilet needs scrubbing too.

kelly...it's THAT REALLY EXPENSIVE PIECE OF CRAP between the doomahickie and the whatchamacallit.

Mel...yea Vancouver. We've had a pretty good year - the Giants won the Memorial Cup, the Lions won the Grey Cup and the Canucks made it into the playoffs. Not bad. Big woot.

8:22 AM  
Blogger Alana said...

LOL, a stapler.

You're so hilarious, even when you're infuriated, you're still hilarious.

Although maybe you don't feel hilarious whilst infuriated, you still are.

11:14 AM  
Anonymous gledwood said...

i've got a "no swearing" thing going on... i never swear in my own posts and only rarely in mine and other people's comments - hence i suppose "oh dear" haha!!

11:40 AM  
Blogger busterp said...

Deb, you're fuckin' funny.

Personally I liked the flip flop line. Good luck with your future boat anchor.

9:51 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

Hey guys (Alana, gled, busterp)...Glad you found it amusing! Although, in reading it over now, I sure do curse alot. I'm going to work on that. I have before...it didn't work. When I'm frustrated, f is my favorite letter.

6:27 PM  

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