Friday, May 18, 2007

Friday Random Ten

38 Years Old...............Hip
Kinda I Want To...........Nine Inch Nails
Nikka Who?.................Nikka Costa
Given To Fly................(I'll give you one guess - yes, it's PJ)
Accidental Babies........Damien Rice
Northern Star..............Hole
Mr. Bojangles..............Bob Dylan
Suffragette City...........David Bowie
Wish You Were Here....Sparklehorse/Thom Yorke
Honky Tonk Woman....Taj Mahal (thanks Mel!)

The rain has started....HA, to all of you suckers out camping. I did it when I was young and now it's your turn to wake up in wet sleeping bags with hangovers. I'm too smart for that now.

Oh ya, I forgot - I was going to post about my situation with my ex. I really don't feel like it now, but here goes nothin':

Once upon a time there lived a fairy princess..... Oh wait, that's not it at all.

When K & I bought this place way back when, I put the d/p on it. I sold my property and used $15,000 in savings, yet I was dumb and put both of our names on the title (despite my parent's pleading for me not to). I was in love, what can I say? We'd been together since we were 14 and I knew he was "the one". And then the marriage happened and deteriorated and, when he left he'd racked up a hefty little debt for lawyers, etc. (he had a bit of trouble when he was drinking). We'd taken out a second, $25,000 mortgage to clear up his debts and buy a new dishwasher/TV. He got the TV. The dishwasher busted.

So FF and here I am now, on my own and paying for everything. He pays for nothing from our past. Nothing on the condo since the day he left. I cover all of the repairs (like the $7,000 roof replacement done a couple of years ago), property/water/sewer taxes, maintenance. The whole kit and kaboodle. Yet his name remains on the title and he hints that his expectation is to claim "half" of the place when we sell. He left yearly 10 years ago and hasn't paid a dime since that time. And it's nearly quadrupled in value since. Even when we were together, my parents bailed us out when we needed things and he didn't bother - like paying for a hot water tank, rugs, furniture, microwave, etc. He basically moved in and paid "rent" and that was it. But he figures he's entitled to half, ten years after the fact.

I was dumb - I should've had a lawyer and resolved this years ago but, quite honestly, I was intimidated by him. We'd had a scary history and he wasn't always in control of himself when it came to me. Basically he'd brainwashed me to obey him and that has taken a lot of deprogramming to get over. So I kept the peace by letting things slide and not rocking the boat. And now it's sinking, with me on board.

He does pay child support and it was initally (strongly) recommended to me to go for spousal support, which I didn't. I didn't want him to "take care" of me, I could take care of myself. I'm stubborn that way. And, again, stupid.

When he's late with the child support, it affects everything. Either a bill doesn't get paid or something gets stretched to the limit until he comes through. He still seems to enjoy that control over me. I used to fight, tooth and nail, until he did pay up, but lately I'm numb and don't even react...I just deal with it from my end and figure out a way. I don't have any more fight in me. Dad helps me out a lot - he's my rock, my hero. But it sucks that I have to have him involved at all...I'm working to change that.

I hate that I'm in this situation. I don't regret having been married to him (I have great kids out of the deal)...I just wish I would've considered that it might not be "happily ever after". My parents tried to warn me...they never liked him in the beginning. They sensed he was abusive, yet I never confirmed it. They grew to accept him because they wanted me to be happy. But they tried to protect me, both emotionally and financially. I wouldn't listen - that stubborness again.

Before I was 21 I'd held a couple of really good jobs (high paying for my age). I'd saved and had acquired $50,000 in assets - which was all entered into the marriage "pool". He brought in a Chevy van and a Sidewinder boat, along with debt that he'd already accumulated.

*Sigh*....should've, could've, would've. Wished I'd listened - I'd be so much further ahead and wouldn't have to bust my ass so hard.

Yes, I had a shitty day at work....not a break in 6 hours. All spent on my feet, hustling my ass. Well, not literally - but you know what I mean.

And, while he vacations and holidays and buys new "toys", I pay off the condo and the second mortgage. What's wrong with this picture?

He still has a key to my place and enters whenever he pleases. I don't drink, but after Mom died I bought 4 Smirnoff's coolers to place one at a time in the fridge, for "those moments". On Mother's Day I knew it would be one...I chilled the last cooler for after my "visit" with Mom (in her urn) and, when I returned home, it was gone! Ty reported that K had helped himself to it when I was out. When he called later I confronted him and he blew and said I was making a big deal over nothing...."get over it" he said. "Go buy yourself 4 more". He didn't get it - it wasn't about that one cooler at all - by that point I didn't really feel like it anymore anyhow and of course I could've bought more. It was about feeling violated, that I have nothing that's really mine and that somehow he still owns half of me.

Some days I want to run far away from it all. When I win that lottery, I'm outta here. And noone need look for me - the kids and I will be off, seeing the world and doing all the things we can't do now. Because I was stupid and am paying for my mistakes. Big time.

On a lighter note (and because this post isn't long enough by my standards)-----"YES!" I knew it......
You Are Hockey

Tough, athletic, and not afraid of a fight.
You don't mind putting your body on the line!

Our YVR Giants won in OT tc ok? (code, don't sweat it. You have to be hockey to understand.)

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Blogger eddie said...

Sounds like he's a real jerk, change the lucks and take him back to court to make him stay out, it is wrong for him to come and go as he pleases, as for you never give up the fight he will win if you do and that would sit way to well for him, let him leave with what he came with nothing.. I know i have no right to be so bold but you sound like a good person, and i get so tired of males taking so much from women, it makes us all look bad, its time he stand up on his two feet and take care of hisself...eddie, sorry if i was to bold, just trying to help...

9:50 PM  
Blogger Toccata said...

I'm with Eddie I don't think he should have a key and he sure as hell should not be allowed to come and go as he pleases. Sorry, probably the last thing you want is advice and I know it's always much more complicated when you have children but I don't his coming in whenever does not feel right. You take care.

11:15 PM  
Blogger whitenoise said...

Yes, Deb. Have the locks changed. Then, go see a lawyer and find out what your rights are. Get the title changed, this will only cost you more as time goes by.

Don't let the abuse continue and compound. (I'm gonna nag you until this gets done!)

12:38 AM  
Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

Everyone has already said everything I meant to say. You know you are a strong person, Deb (you ARE hockey, after all) and you have done such an amazing job raising your great kids and caring for your parents. Time to start caring for your own future.

8:29 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

Hey all make so much sense on this and I thank you for the encouragement.

The lock issue seems so simple but even simple things are complicated for me when it comes to this stuff. Somewhere there's still that fear that it'll "set him off" and that's something hard to get over.

I should've dealt with this right from the get it's scary to think of battling it out in court. One day I'm going to have to...I just don't have that "fight" in me right now.

(Just got the word Dad goes for ONE of his surgeries July holding my breath until then).

9:26 AM  
Blogger kelly said...

Ditto to the above Deb....

but I know its all easier said than done and its so much easier for us outsiders to give advice. I think a judge would look favourably on you and your situation given his record for paying on time etc....
Whatever you do it will be diffcult and very stressful emotionally.

Good luck and take care

12:55 PM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

Hangovers? While camping? Oh dear - not for me. Maybe it's because I always went with church groups ..!

Re the marriage/finances ... what CAN I say ?? I'm with the others on the gimp having a key tho. Marriage can be so depressing. Barely ever do I hear of a new marriage without mentally pinning my expected number of years on it.

& I'm sure I'm not the only one to do THAT.!!..

Watch this panda vid ::that will cheer you up!!:

5:02 PM  
Blogger mellowlee said...

Oh Deb, he makes me so MAD! I hope it works out for the better for you soon. It's not too late. *HUGS* Maybe you can come here and stick up for me and I can go there and stick up for you ...ok that won't work, but wouldn't it be nice. I have to agree with the changing the locks!

Isn't that Taj song amazing!! I always hit repeat at least once when it comes on.

6:04 PM  
Blogger junky said...

I could write a novel about all the bad divorce stuff I have witnessed. That is not important right now I'm pissed off that I came up as being skiing in the winter sports survey, screw that.

10:52 PM  
Blogger mellowlee said...

It says I am Bobsledding!
You're not a world class athlete, but you are a world class maniac.
Your need for speed could have you blazing past the finish line!

5:43 PM  
Blogger Toccata said...

It says I'm figure skating. Figure skating? How is that possible? I can't skate and I sure as heck am not graceful. It must have been checking the, "I don't fall down much" button that did me in. I want Mellowlee's bobsledding! Hockey would be good too but there's that little thing about never getting past the skates hurting my ankles level.

7:08 PM  
Blogger Wayward Son said...

It's a drag your ex continues to impact your life in a negative way. And I am thinking it is a lot more complicated than the story you tell here. (but that's not a reason not to vent) I'm pretty sure you will do what you need to do when you need to do it. Mom's are like that.

Your good peopleā€”a blessing and a curse but, mostly, a blessing.


7:28 PM  

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