Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I'm not ready for this.

To park in that same parking lot and fumble around looking for loonies and twoonies that I know I brought along but can't find.

To cross the street under that neon sign and enter the same doorway that leads to my emptiness. Littered with cigarette butts - some of them probably still hers.

To walk down the desserted hallways without having to even look at the different colored painted arrows on the walls because I know the way. It's all too painfully familiar and fresh in my mind.

And back into a hospital room, to wonder if a person who is my entire world will ever come back out.

It's too soon.

I'm trying to muster up the courage but I'm failing, miserably.

I'm a bit of a wreck right now and the pictures that I just found in a box of one of our last Christmases together has just hit me hard.

If they put off the surgery again, I don't know that I can keep dragging myself to this place. Friday is the day, but they've told us "not to hold our breath". Well I am. And I have been for months now, long before this surgery was ever scheduled.

Appreciate people while they're here. Spend time with them, even if it sometimes seems like "a chore" or you have other, "more important" things to do.

Because one day it all changes and, when it does, it can never be again.

I've been around fairly infrequently lately and I can only guess that that will probably be the case for awhile. Who knows though - I'm so unstable...I may have to vent, cry, or just hear your friendly voices. Yes, when I'm here, I swear I can.

You've been great friends to me. And I sincerely thank you for that.

I'm sorry, but I'm just not a big bunch of fun right now. I'm trying to be, but I'm not great at faking it.

It'll be o.k.

And I hope when I do return, you're still here.



Blogger whitenoise said...

Deb, take all the time you need. People care about you and are silently rooting for you all over the world. I know I speak for all of your blogger buddies when I say that we wish we could do more.

3:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi deb, you dont know me i came about your page via jim dandy. i've been reading on and off for a couple of weeks. altho i dont know all the details of what your going through i know enough to understand how you feel. as i had to watch my father go through operations and wonder if he would ever come out of the hospital. just know that no matter what happens things will get better.
i will pray for you...
deth bleedly

3:53 AM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

That is a very powerfully written post.

I can't say a lot else except

take care!

we're all out there rooting for you ...

6:29 AM  
Blogger TK Kerouac said...

Hi Deb.
You are a very strong woman and I'm learning from you for when my time comes
Stay sane
and vent all you need

7:47 AM  
Blogger busterp said...

I'll be around. Best wishes. See you later I'm sure.

9:49 AM  
Blogger Barbara Doduk said...

cyber hugs and love to you. keep us posted if you want/can/need. we will be around, pulling for you all.

10:51 AM  
Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

My heart is with your family and my thoughts are with your dad. I hope that all goes according to plan and that he has a full and fast recovery.

8:19 PM  
Blogger TK Kerouac said...

Thanks for visiting Deb
Hope you are doing ok

yes I'm out of private now
if you want to change your side link

Feel free to vent anytime
we are here for you

8:44 PM  
Blogger Allison said...

Deb, my thoughts are with you and your family today. I hope all goes well. Take care and take all the time you need.


5:17 AM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

Yes Allison is right: take all the time you need, there is no rush to contain feelings that are running all over the place ~ that is only natural

5:49 AM  
Blogger jim dandy said...

very sorry that you're in a bad place when you seem to have so much good and fun in your life.
I would prescribe getting as many hugs per day as is possible.
I'm hugging you now as you read this.
Hang in there, we'll still be here!

6:54 AM  
Blogger junky said...

I don't even know where to begin Deb, just know that you are in my thoughts, and go easy.

3:55 PM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

Debs are you OK? Changing the subject somewhat, I'm interested to know, what childhood famous Bears did you have in Canada?
e.g. Pooh Bear...etc
that is my new "meme" I'm trying out...

5:22 AM  

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