Friday, September 12, 2008

Debbie Downer Reporting Here

I'd recently put together two different posts that are saved as drafts, but I don't seem to be able to "finish" things lately...I'm full of starts and half finishes. Am I ever finished?...maybe that's the problem with me. I can't close the deal. I start off like gangbusters then fizzle out. Don't ever hit publish because I find I've said a whole lot about nothing and who really cares?

I will go back and look at them (my posts that is - I don't even remember what they were about) and, if they're still applicable, I'll publish them. I don't think they are.

Honestly, I'm tired - both physically and mentally. I'm tired of worrying and carrying the responsibilities of being a single mom. I'm tired of never having a vacation or any real "fun" time that lasts for more than 3 hours (or takes 3 hours to prepare for/clean up after). "WAAAAAAAAAA".

Suck it up princess.

Seriously though, I really am dragging my ass around and fighting to keep going. Nothing overly dramatic (I lie), just an ongoing struggle to dig deep and find some spark each day to try and light me up. I'm going to the Lion's game tomorrow, but even that has failed to really excite me. I'm usually totally psyched for games but things have sort of fallen apart and I thought I'd be going with Ty or my brother - but that's not going to happen. Ty's out of town and my brother's currently out to lunch (literally, you'll learn about it later). So I've arranged to go with some neighbor/friends (a first for me, I NEVER go out with friends anymore)'ll be fun but, at this point, I really would rather just stay home and catch the game on TV. I'm forcing myself to go, as I think I need to socialize. I'm also keeping in mind that I have just had a bug of some sorts and that that's probably draining me and I haven't fully recovered from it. I hate being sick. Down. Tired. I'm a go getter who can only really function properly when I'm burning the candle at both ends. I don't do tired and lazy very well and, when I'm forced to, it throws me off, it depresses me. Which, in turn, adds to the lethargy. It's a vicious cycle and my bike riding is my attempt to combat it. So far, I'm failing. (Isn't this fun? Heehee)

My brother and I had a "thing" and I'm not convinced that he isn't using again. Fuck. He says he's not, but his behavior tells me he might be. I can't go through that again. He's starting to snap and I confronted him on it yesterday, to which he reacted with hostility. I haven't seen him like this in a couple of years and, quite frankly, it scares me to think that we might be losing him again. It's also out of my control and I'm not going to let it suck what little wind is in my sails right now. It's his deal and all I can do is pray he's o.k.

I'm currently still (halfheartedly) looking for another job - I really don't want to leave my job because I love it. But the money's just not cutting it at the moment and I can't live by just scraping by...I like doing things and that requires cash. If I can hang in there until October, I'll get double the hours that I'm getting now - but only for a couple of months until my boss likely decides to pack it in. She hasn't had the decency to talk to me about the fact that my job is likely ending soon - I hear it through the grapevine. I'm still considering buying her out (Dad will back me). It would ensure that my kids always have part time jobs in between jobs or enable them to continue their schooling (which Ty would like to do). I'm seriously thinking about it, but don't know that I want the extra responsibility that would come with running my own business. I know I COULD do it, just don't know that I want to. I kind of just want to go punch in and do my 8 hours, then be out of there. I think I'm getting old...where'd all my drive and ambition go?

High points - I am riding A LOT and feeling pretty damn fit for the most part. I also have a shoulder injury and finally went to the doctor (it's been a month), who said I'll likely need some physio. We'll see - that's time that I'd rather spend out riding. My doctor's great - he doesn't push things and he knows how to work "around" me. You've gotta love a doctor who prescribes medication and then says "I know you won't fill this prescription, but I'm writing it out anyhow". He knows me. Oh, I guess a shoulder injury isn't really a "high point", is it? Well the fact that my doctor is a gem is, so we'll run with it.

So I'm still doing the same big bunch of nothing, which is why I rarely post. I'm boring. I have been taking tons of pictures and will upload a few...blogger takes so damn long and frustrates the hell out of me - which is partially why I never end up finishing posts. I'd really like to show them all somehow because I think there are some great shots. But, in order to do that, it'd take me all night - so just a few for now. They tell the story of why I'm never around - I'm out there, away from the computer soaking up the last gasps of summer. It's been gorgeous here - today was freaking hot as hell. I live in a beautiful place and I feel happy when I'm at the river. Even if I am alone.

Oh, today's Mom's birthday. Linds and I saw a bunch of balloons floating in the sky and we're pretty sure they were for her. Things'll never be the same without her, but I am o.k.


I promise to have a brighter outlook soon...just one of those valleys before the peaks, ya know? Not really depressed, mostly just exhausted. Might try sleeping soon, could help. ;)

I really hate negativity and am very much aware of the fact that I'm immersed in it right now. I think awareness is half the battle though...I can work through it by doing the right things. Keeping in touch with all (5) of you is a big part of that - you're extremely important to me. Even Ty had recognized that and he threatened to hack into my account and impersonate me if I didn't get a post up pronto (that was a week ago!). He told me I was ignoring my friends and I needed to stay connected here and he was right.

So, here's where I've been hiding:

(Click on the pics to make them bigger/better)

............follow the leader anyone?......

This is my brother's cat, "Taz". He's as dumb as a doornail. He falls off windowsills and tables and runs at the slightest rumble like a big scaredy cat. Dad and I once heard stuff crashing and rattling and we seriously thought it was an was Tazzie...tearing around, petrified, with a plastic bag stuck on his head! We couldn't stop him to get it off...he knocked over china and pretty near took out the entire china cabinet. But he's SO loveable. Here he's claimed Lindsay's shirt as his pillow. I just love this guy.

I've been running across a lot of old cars lately...I like them...

Friends at work (they make my lunch every day - and they're damn good at it too). I'm going to the football game with the one on the right...she's a total sweetheart.

This is my pet crow at work - I feed him and, when I get tied up with something, he hops to the glass door and peeks in at me until I notice him. Yes, I'm one of those crazy bird/cat ladies. What shall we name him?
Now we all know how Deb feels about people on her rock, riiiiiiiiight? *Sigh* (Can you see why I love it here?)

I grew up in this town and I still love it and ride down here often. This place used to be my favorite as a kid - it was called the "DUDUCKINN"....a candy shop that had a butcher in the back corner! Weird.

A taste of what Steveston was like when I grew up here. It's being revamped as a trendy, waterfront village but it'll always just be "home" to me.
This was the movie theater in Steveston that my parents went to when they were teenagers.
My Mom nearly drowned in these very waters when she was young...she was learning how to float on her back in the river when the current grabbed ahold of her and was pulling her out to sea! A fisherman jumped in off the dock and saved her.

I have many more "Steveston" photos (there's so much to see in such a little community). I also have some gorgeous sunset pics from over by the airport/Olympic oval site...but Blogger's about to explode and it's taking 3 attempts per pic, so later.

I'm off to look at those old, saved posts to see if there's anything worth salvaging. Remind me to tell you about Saturday night in my next post...too tired tonight.

G'night friends. I promise to come around and visit you all this weekend. And I hope to visit some of you "face to face" soon (Phaedra, Mel)



Blogger busterp said...

Life sure has it's ups and downs. Buy that business - how can you go wrong.

Your are quite the pro with the camera. Very interesting pictures (birds on wood cool - plus the old buildings). I have to budget some time to look at more of the facebook photo group - which is also a blogspot I bookmarked.

Back to work for me, nice break. Hope all works out with bro.


9:13 AM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

You don't have to promise to have a brighter outlook anytime, we just want to hear how you are, Debs

hey your post strangely echoes many of the things i wrote myself today ;->...

12:23 PM  
Blogger Whitenoise said...

You're interesting to me. And, I think that all 5? of us see the diamond in the rough. Buy the biz, Deb. BUT- due diligence first. Check the books and make sure you're not just buying yourself a low-paying job. If the income's good- go for it.

Also- I order you to go out with friends. At least once per week! Concerts, games, even to the odd cougar bar. That's a prescription you gotta fill.... ;-)

12:48 PM  
Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

I sure know the feeling about not really wanting to look for another job when you are still in one. It's hard to leave something that you know, even if it's not ideal. But, if you know the end is approaching...

Flip a coin over buying the business. Seriously, your reaction to the flip will tell you if you really want to pursue it or not.

6:21 PM  
Blogger Allison said...

Trust Barb on the coin flip. Our gut reactions never fail.

Those are lovely pictures, Deb. The first one really sticks out the most. :)

And no more referring to yourself as Debbie Downer, ok?

3:27 PM  
Blogger mellowlee said...

Hang in there my friend *hugs*
I hope we can get together soon
Gorgeous photos! I'm going to go click on them now to see the bigger versions!! XO

5:56 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

Thanks to all of mean the world to me.

I'm still around...Linds has been REALLY sick, so that's priority #1 right now. My rides have been put on hold, no picture taking for the moment, etc. I feel so bad for her...poor thing, she's really down for the count. Spent all of Saturday throwing up, then slept for 17 hours!

Anyhow, you guys are the greatest and I am extremely grateful that I have you all hanging in there.


10:28 AM  
Blogger jim dandy said...

I love always your photos. The fillin' station photo reminds me of my home town. I remember as a kid, being sent with a gas can to pick up a gallon for the mower. Gramps gave me 50 cents and said I could keep the change.

6:41 AM  

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