Monday, July 28, 2008

The reason I rarely make it here anymore (or anywhere in the blogosphere for that matter) is that I feel tired lately. Not really physically tired...just mentally drained. Scattered (again). Disconnected. I go through periods like this on occasion and I "disappear" when that happens. I spend a lot of time on my rock in the sun...thinking about (missing) Mom. Worrying about Dad. Trying to figure out a 17 year old daughter who thinks I'm the enemy because I want to parent her instead of be her best friend. She's a good kid - God, when I was 17......

(we won't go there)

The ex and I don't talk anymore. Not a bitter thing - he just hasn't called in weeks. Do I miss him? My gut reaction says yes but, when I think about it - no. I don't miss the bullshit. His drunk calls at 2 am that started with "I love you" and ended with "I hate you". "Bitch". His manipulation and control. I've heard he's finally got someone...I hope he treats her better than he treated me. Sometimes being with him and putting up with his abuse made me feel like I'd had a lobotomy. Numb and stupid. I already feel sorry for her - sad for her. I bet she's nice. Too nice. I hope he doesn't kill her too.

For nearly 35 years, he and I were the best of friends. Up until a month and a half ago, he still drunk dialed me to say I was the love of his life and ask what went wrong...why our dreams died. But now, nothing. After the episode with the kids, I disconnected from him. He crossed a line that couldn't be undone. He recently sent me a registered letter to tell me something. So that's what a 35 year relationship becomes...an envelope that requires a signature.

I don't miss him as a partner. I will always miss him as a part of me though - as a friend who knew all my secrets. Someone who could write the history of me - no one else could do that but him. I'm mourning his friendship right now...even though he sucked at it.

My house is a God awful mess. I don't even care...I don't have the capacity to care right now. That's worrisome.

I think know I'm suffering from a pretty deep rooted depression and this is one fuck of a bout of it that I'm dealing with...but I don't have the the time/energy to seek out help. That's bullshit too - I don't want to invest the time/energy - I'd rather do other things. So I'll do it alone, via bike rides and soul searches at the river. Probably dumb to think I can do it alone, but I'm giving it a shot. Wonder Woman.

I've worked out my entire life and, for awhile there, I gave it up. Getting back at it - I mean fully commited to it - feels good. It always does wonders for my emotional health, as well as my physical being when I exert myself - push myself...I'm starting to feel strong again. The sun on my skin, wind in my hair as I ride....it's a spiritual thing. It's helping. Mind and body really do have a connection that can either work against each other or in perfect harmony. It's best to try and use one to help heal the other.

Tonight was good...I rode my bike (hard and long). Siamese Dream in my (ahem) Walkman - yes, I know. I don't want an IPOD - my Walkman's like an old friend - it's been with me 20 years now. It crackles and eats tapes but I can drop it on the ground doing 20 on my bike and the thing keeps playing. I have a hard time parting with things. People, things.

Anyhow, I rode past the boat launch tonight and I noticed Dad's van and my brother's truck/trailer. They obviously were out fishing together...that made me smile. They've finally found each other again - it isn't perfect, but it's something. I looked for them on the water...there's something comforting in them being out there. It's where they belong and it means the world's right.

When I got home I went and grabbed a large pizza for them, knowing they'd be cold and tired when they got the boat in. They were late - the sun was setting and it worried me. The water was choppy and I know they don't wear lifevests (they think they're old salts of the sea and "don't need 'em". Invincible men). I waited, then got cold and decided to go drop the pizza off at their place - got halfway there and realized I didn't have keys to get in.

Went back to the boatlaunch and they were there. My nephew and Dave's NA friend were also there and I wished I'd bought two pizzas. We shared a few laughs as the sun slipped below the horizon and I felt happy. Simple things folks. That's what it's all about.

I think I can beat this thing. I'm working on it. But stories like this don't help much. I guess, in the overall scope of things, I'm not a bad mother after all. The world makes me sad when I read stuff like this.

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8 Comments:

Blogger Whitenoise said...

Deb, I hope this bout of blues is short-lived. You're a sweetheart and you deserve some happiness.

Very nice gesture with the pizza, its heart-warming to hear how your family cares for eachother.

4:55 AM  
Blogger TK Kerouac said...

Deb, I know where you are coming from. I go in and out of times like this myself.
My therapy is working out,hikes and bikes.

There are many controlling X's out there, I stayed with mine for 25 years and he still trys to pull the same tactics.
The world is full of unhealthy control freaks and its codependent type relationships that attract this type of behaviour.

So far, my solution has been, not moving in with a man.
But it would be nice if there were a healthier selection of partners out there.

Too bad you live so far, we could hang out

8:06 AM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

I was feeling that sort of tired not too long ago

At least you don't give into that silly pressure to be a friend to your kids; they can have gerzillions of friends, they only get one mother!

Those are really nice photos BTW

;->...

8:10 AM  
Blogger Phaedra said...

You are a strong woman Deb. Thank you for sharing. If you would like to chat, I am game for meeting up for a coffee, and though i live in south east Van, I will come out with my bike and go for a ride with you.

With only one life to live, it is nice to share the load with others when it gets to heavy to carry on your own.

hugs.

8:38 AM  
Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

I think half the battle is knowing that you are depressed; the other half is doing just what you are doing - exercise that you love and having your family close by you. Makes me wish mine didn't live two provinces away.

8:25 PM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

I have a hard time parting with things. People, things.


ditto here I am dreadful at it

12:23 PM  
OpenID stable-entropy said...

I discovered your your blog when I was searching for the lyrics to some Matthew Good lyrics; it appears we have quite a bit in common. =)
I guess this is the first time I've posted a comment to another's blog using my own blogspot account.

I know what you mean about the ups and downs...how you can just wake up one day and feel so utterly disconnected from everyone and everything.

I also know that there are far many more factors out there beyond our control, and that what happens happens and sometimes we just can't change them. The point is just to keep your chin up right?

Anyway, keep up the posting. It's great to know there are some other introspective people out there.

=)

12:54 PM  
Anonymous Alana said...

I'll be here when you feel like coming back from the rock again. <3 Take your time, do your thing. All my love.

8:20 PM  

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