Saturday, December 15, 2007

Boring Post Alert

I'm puttin' on the body armor and heading down to the mall today to finish my Christmas shopping. If you never hear from me again, I'm probably buried under boxes somewhere but just leave me's easier that way.

I did go out to do some last week - found a whole bunch of lovely things for people and then realized I'd left my bank card at home and couldn't pay for them. So it seems my new technique is to waste an hour pretending I'm shopping and then go back when it's really crowded on the weekend to actually do my shopping. And here's the deal with that - the ex is (once again) in arrears with support payments so I have to give the clerks IOU's.Not much else happening...I'm still fighting this SARS or whatever the hell is giving me a cough that scares poor children. It is worrying when you work in the public and handle money...I don't really even have access to a sink to wash my hands. So I'm constantly soaking in the antibacterial hand cleaner but I don't know that it's enough. Yesterday a woman actually blew her nose, still had the kleenex in her hand and put the money in that hand before she gave it to me. I've bitched about this before and have tried gloves, but trying to work with the tickets in those suckers is kind of like picking up rice with your toes.

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And now for something that's actually funny and not boring. I stole this from somewhere else (thanks Mr. Bruno) but found it so hilarious I wanted to pass it along to you:

This is George Carlin/Bill Maher's List of New Rules:

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduation from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop ad for! There's a reason you don't t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull! People are acting all shocked that there was a finger found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it costs less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and still collect baseball cards you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. (I love that one)

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f#@king with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time Grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a decaf, grande, half-soy, half low-fat iced vanilla double shot gingerbread cappucino, extra dry, light ice with one Sweet n' Low and one Nutrasweet, oooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "ENTER", verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "ENTER" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: (My favorite one) Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it, doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli". The last time you did anything that was spiritual, you were praying to God that you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recenty televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called The Howard Stern Show.

New Rule: I don't need a bigger M&M. If I'm hungry for M&M's, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember that the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 months". He's two. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

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Anyhow, how are your Christmas chores coming along? Any tips for survival? Dr. Kervorkian's number?

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Edit: I'm going to make this the longest post ever because I love Charlie Brown - especially at Christmas. Enjoy!


Blogger Toccata said...

Well, at least I know you didn't shoot shoot yourself in the foot although by the time you escape the crush in the malls they maybe a bit squished from all the trampling.

I rather liked the pop ads for and the likewise the tatoo with the Chinese characters.

12:54 PM  
Blogger Barbara Bruederlin said...

Are you still in the mall? Are you buried under some boxes of Dance Dance Revolution?

That's a great list. I always thought that the Chinese character tattoos said "gullible white boy".

Your toddler is not a cheese - love that!

6:46 PM  
Blogger Allison said...

Hahaha!! That list is great. Honestly, I am in tears reading that. I shall have to forward that to my Dad. When I was younger we used to listen to all George Carlin's comedy albums. Ah, good times.

I hope that you brave the crowds okay, and start feeling better. I am sick too and have to make the trip out. I am not looking forward to it.

3:40 AM  
Blogger Whitenoise said...

Did you make it out okay?! Geez, Deb, I'm sitting here not knowing if I should call 911 or not... ;-)

Great rules. Yeah, several were really funny and I second the eyebrow thing. If they're joined- you can separate 'em, but otherwise- no funky little plucked lines or creepy arches... Ewwww...

5:21 AM  
Blogger Gledwood said...

Xmas shopping: GROO!

I'm relatively lucky (long story this) but I've never been in a position ever to have to go massive Xmas present hunting due to not doing/half doing/not bothering with xmas most years (how envious are you of that haha!)

... also I bet the shops are better in Vancouver than here. Most things seem to be!!

2:01 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

tc...I think I would've rather been squished under foot than stood in the line ups with screaming toddlers. Yikes.

Barb...precisely - "gullible white boy" (who likes beef & broccoli).

Al...someone has just commented where I first saw the list that it's actually a Bill Maher list and nothing to do with George. Although, personally, I can just hear George rattling those off.

w/n...some women's eyebrows are just downright scary alright. The ones who shave them off and then draw them back they really think we're fooled by this?

gled...the shopping's pretty good here, although I'm just not into it this year like I usually am. I'm so tired of the whole rat race and would honestly like to enjoy Christmas in a cabin by a lake in the snow. But that's just not going to happen.

7:24 PM  
Blogger mellowlee said...

Those new rules ROCK! haha!

4:34 PM  
Blogger junky said...

I don't know if I should admit this but Dr. Kevorkian and I are on a first name basis with each other, and my neighbor has his old lawyer Figer over all the time, weird huh.

9:08 PM  

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