Boring Post Alert

I'm puttin' on the body armor and heading down to the mall today to finish my Christmas shopping. If you never hear from me again, I'm probably buried under boxes somewhere but just leave me be...it's easier that way.

I did go out to do some last week - found a whole bunch of lovely things for people and then realized I'd left my bank card at home and couldn't pay for them. So it seems my new technique is to waste an hour pretending I'm shopping and then go back when it's really crowded on the weekend to actually do my shopping. And here's the deal with that - the ex is (once again) in arrears with support payments so I have to give the clerks IOU's.Not much else happening...I'm still fighting this SARS or whatever the hell is giving me a cough that scares poor children. It is worrying when you work in the public and handle money...I don't really even have access to a sink to wash my hands. So I'm constantly soaking in the antibacterial hand cleaner but I don't know that it's enough. Yesterday a woman actually blew her nose, still had the kleenex in her hand and put the money in that hand before she gave it to me. I've bitched about this before and have tried gloves, but trying to work with the tickets in those suckers is kind of like picking up rice with your toes.

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And now for something that's actually funny and not boring. I stole this from somewhere else (thanks Mr. Bruno) but found it so hilarious I wanted to pass it along to you:

This is George Carlin/Bill Maher's List of New Rules:

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduation from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull! People are acting all shocked that there was a finger found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it costs less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and still collect baseball cards you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. (I love that one)

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f#@king with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time Grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a decaf, grande, half-soy, half low-fat iced vanilla double shot gingerbread cappucino, extra dry, light ice with one Sweet n' Low and one Nutrasweet, oooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "ENTER", verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "ENTER" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: (My favorite one) Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it, doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli". The last time you did anything that was spiritual, you were praying to God that you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recenty televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called The Howard Stern Show.

New Rule: I don't need a bigger M&M. If I'm hungry for M&M's, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember that the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 months". He's two. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

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Anyhow, how are your Christmas chores coming along? Any tips for survival? Dr. Kervorkian's number?

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Edit: I'm going to make this the longest post ever because I love Charlie Brown - especially at Christmas. Enjoy!