I'm officially "unemployed". Woot. (Or not)

Anyone wanna hire a middle aged, bad backed, somewhat neurotic, immature woman with a heel spur who once wore two different colored shoes to work? Didn't think so. Damn.

(To be continued)

We're wimps out here on the West Coast. Although we generally get defensive and somewhat offended when people refer to this neck of the woods as "The Wet Coast", we'd welcome that right about now. This has been the worst dose of winter that I can remember in my lifetime.
When it snows here, we act all Miami and are aghast at the sight of falling snow...it may as well be pixie dust. Despite the fact that people in other parts of the world think we live in igloos and snowshoe to work, we're actually very inexperienced snow people. Every conversation on every street corner is weather related and we all turn into meteorologists. We're captivated and terrified, all at the same time. The snow immobilizes us and, in this household, we're damn near down to stale bread and water. Really cold water. Again, despite all the misconceptions, we don't know how to trap our dinner. Which means, at some point, I'll have to venture out to Safeway. Pray for my safe return (the last expedition didn't go so well).

This isn't your average snowfall here - we're lucky if we get a big dump of it and then it's gone before you really get acquainted with your snowman. But not this year - this year it's brought parts of the city to a standstill and it's piling up at the foot of driveways and forcing cars to park in the middle of the road, as there are no longer curbs. Our drivers cannot parallel park at the best of times, THIS is a complete disaster. It looks like people have just abandoned their cars in an "aw shit, I've had enough" moment and opted to skate home. I'm quite sure the boxing day shoppers, with their dogged determination, must have rented bobcats to get to the mall. They're a special bunch, aren't they? If we're ever attacked, I'm throwing them out there on the front lines and telling them there's a 75% sale on.

Anyhow, the weather forecast keeps making false promises of warming trends and rain but, according to the mini blizzard that rolled through for 7 minutes yesterday, it's a crapshoot. How far is it to Hawaii and is there a bus that goes there?

This morning I got up to make coffee and when I looked out the kitchen window a duck landed in the parking lot beside my car. A duck?! Mother nature's confusing the hell out of the wildlife...either that or the word is out in the bird world "hey, head over to this address...she throws food out the window for us". (Yes, I do. Bylaws schmylaws).

I do have two crows who show up each morning and peek in through the window at me until I give them some tidbits. I swear one of them was knocking the other morning. This week they've had the all you can eat buffet, consisting of turkey skin, potatoes, corn and even some shortbread for dessert. Today there were crows, seagulls and a duck out there lined up like it's the feathered friends soup kitchen. I did notice that, although the seagulls usually overrule and eat everything in sight, they gave the duck his space. The visiting duck was shown some hospitality by the locals. The crows - not so lucky...it's a bird eat bread world and they've gotta learn to get in there and fight. Elbows out (they don't have elbows, do they?). Maybe they could take a lesson or two from the boxing day shoppers.

Bring on spring now. Please.

(I had photos I'd taken, but Blogger's frozen and won't let me post them...will do so later)

Hey, anybody there?

If there is someone, I'm thankful that you've hung in here and haven't abandoned this place.

I apologize for the neglect....I'm really burning the candle at every end right now as the job nears an end and the snow has the schedule turned upside down.

We've never seen so much snow here - I was born and raised in this city and it's never been like this. I mean, we've had huge dumps, but then it rains and it's done. This is different - it's never ending. It snows, then snows some more. I actually had to shovel my balcony today for fear that it would collapse! I was knee deep in snow, with ice on the bottom. And I'm a big ass wimp driver - my new (4WD) SUV's been parked in the driveway for a week. I'm the laugh of the neighborhood...."we can get out of here in our Civic...what's your problem???"

All is well - we had a wonderful evening at Dad's last night. It was small and intimate - just the way I like it. Dad whipped up a whole bunch of appies/salads and I took a casserole over and we just were really laid back/low key. We had Christmas music on and just sat around, enjoying each others' company. My brother's sobriety is huge to me - it just makes everything "right". He and Linds are the life of the party - a couple of clowns who keep us all chuckling. The annual Santa Clause parade was the highlight of the night...it usually passes right by Dad's place. As a matter of fact, in years gone by the entire parade has stopped while the participants came in for a quick "nip" before carrying on. We weren't sure if it was going to happen this year - "Santa" (an old family friend) passed away and, with the snow, we just didn't know. But come 6 o'clock, we noticed the flashing police lights down the street and, low and behold, it was business as usual. They had changed the route though, which meant Linds, Jesse and I had to run (slide) down several streets until we caught up! Linds took some great pics - I'll post them later.

Anyhow, things are good - I'm just enjoying the (overwhelming) gift from my brother - a big ass, flat screen TV! We got a laugh at one point - he told me to stand by the TV box so he could take a pic and, after we'd done so, I said "OK, now you hold up the socks I bought you so I can get one too!" (I did get him some other goodies, but it was good for a laugh/photo op).

So I hope you are well. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and send love/best wishes to each and every one of you. I bought cards but never mailed them (that's me). I never did make it to the post office...I even had some little gifts for my friends here but.....

One day it'll stop snowing and I'll actually rejoin the human race. But, for now, I'm sitting here, glass of wine in hand as I stare out at the beautiful winter scene thinking of you guys (with love).

Merry Christmas

xo

Things That Make You Go Awwww

Here's the feel good clip of the day . Enjoy!

Tis The Season To Piss Right Off

I'm having a real hard time with this Christmas thing. REALLY hard. I just don't want to do it. I'm usually the one bubbling over with Christmas spirit, driving everyone nuts with Oh Holy Night and far too much enthusiasm. But it's gone. I've tried, but it's just not there...I have to force this and it's a fucking rat race nightmare piece of shit. There, that feels better.

Tonight, as I sit in front of my computer listening to Matthew Good (right now it's "99% Of Us Is Failure"), I glance over at a picture I have here on the wall of my Mom and it hits me (again). The tears, the headache, the aching sorrow that comes with the realization that it's really true. I'm never going to see her again. Ever. Christmas is over kids. I hate it.

Yet through this picture, she's right here. My beautiful Mom, sitting on the handydart bus with all the other strokers as they toured around, looking at lights. A goofy picture...the guy beside her is smiling like there's no tomorrow. I wonder why Dad and I weren't there with her? She looks so alone, so out of place...but making the best of it like she always did. She was a trooper...she loved life. Fun. Laughter. Lights. Christmas. Music. Jokes. People. And now I want to shut it all the fuck off. (Yeeha, bet you're glad you showed up?).

Life wasn't kind to her. She worked hard her whole life and was hit by a debilitating stroke when she was my age. Then brain cancer. But there she is in the picture, smiling her cute little smile....just along for the ride.

It was two years ago that we took her to the palliative ward knowing, full well, that she wouldn't return home again. But I never really believed it. I'd always been able to fix things up. Dad and I could do it - will her back home.

She suffered a great deal and that's the part that really kills. Although I mostly just think of the happiness...sometimes the awful sound of her moans as they moved her come creeping back in and gnaw at my heart.

Somehow I think that I'll always associate this time of year with the horrible memory of my Mom going away to die. That some of the sadness and devastation that I felt that day as I sat on the floor under an unlit tree and listened to Matt's House Of Smoke and Mirrors over and over will always claw away at me and remind me not to be too happy.

I'm a mother, so I'm thankful for what I do have in life and I keep it in perspective. I mean, it's about my kids and they're reason enough to be happy. And Mothers die. But whoever said time heals all wounds was an insensitive numbnuts....not this kind of wound....it just festers and every once in a while it boils over into an ugly mess. All it takes is a song and a glance at a picture.

My Dad is a hero. He does everything for the kids and I and is there, unconditionally. Always, without fail. We're his entire world and there's nothing he wouldn't do for us. But I'm learning that he just doesn't listen. He fixes things, but he's not a good listener. Mom and I had such a bond and she'd make me laugh. She'd listen, and make me laugh by saying something ridiculously true. When I had doubts and uncertainties, as I do now, she'd just reassure me that I was strong and I'd be o.k. She wouldn't fix things, but she let me know that I could.

"I've fallen asleeeeee-eeeep again
and when I waaaaa-aaaake up you won't be here"

I'll be o.k. Maybe.

Oh yeah, then I'm unemployed.

(Edit: I'll be over this guys. It's been a really stressful day - work, search for work, rushed to p/u Linds to arrive early for a doctor's appointment that they took us in for 20 minutes late. Which made us late for Linds' dentist appointment immediately afterward. Then had to take the car in. Get a tree. A way too big fucking tree that barely fit in the rig. Then had Ty call when I barely had my coat off, to tell me of his awful day. It's one of those days. Is it a full moon? I think it is. Anyhow, I apologize for such a downer post at this festive time. But I'm me/honest and can only post from the heart. You think this is bad, you should see me when I PMS. Oh, and here's the picture and the song that really started it all tonight)
House Of Smoke And Mirrors

(Oh and sorry for all the swearing. It feels good. And I just watched the last Trailer Park Boys ever so, apparently, I am one now)