Monday, September 22, 2008

Well isn't the back to school bug fun? I don't even go to school, yet I'm battling something ferocious. Luckily, I must have a kickass immune system because nothing keeps me down or hits me too a hard. Poor Linds - she's another story. Now you know a 17 year old's really sick when she calls on a Saturday night (early) and says "come and pick me up...I don't feel well at all". After puking her guts out, she slept for 17 hours....that was 17 hours of me staring at her in worry, wondering if it was her appendix or something serious. There's a fine line between jumping the gun and running into emerg before it's necessary and waiting something out too long. My theory is that I keep a close eye on things and constantly ask..."do you think you need to go?". My kids (?) are both old enough to have a handle on the severity of things and have been down the 15 hour emergency room wait road before, so I use them to gauge things. Not 100% - sometimes I have to overrule. But, in general, it's a good system we have.

Anyhow, I had two days of real ugly depression...when people around me are sick, it takes its toll on me. Sickness has been so prevalant in our family of late that it just knocks me on my ass when someone I love is suffering...even if it isn't something life threatening. Today I feel great...Linds is perking up and I'm off to Dad's to do some much needed weeding. Mostly, that's like meditation to me, as I lose myself in the garden and clear my head.

My brother has really disappointed me and I won't delve into it too deeply because it wears me out. But, through all the years I stood beside him when he was at his worst, he drops me like a bad habit if I say something he doesn't want to hear. Mostly, he's using me for a scapegoat right now to pawn his kid off back to his mother....long story, but they've been bouncing my nephew back and forth between them, as they're both "too busy" to really be hands on, committed parents. He's said that the "turmoil" between us (a one shot, 20 minute argument...the first we've had since he's been clean) is the reason he's sent his son packing back to his mother. I know the truth is that his girlfriend was competing for his time and attention and it was weighing heavily on's hard to have a 14 year old at the best of times, let alone when you have an unsupportive partner. When his son moved in with him, she moved out. It spoke volumes to learn a lot about people when push comes to shove. Bottom line - my brother's always been a doormat. He's a great catch - he is loyal to the point of blindness and he will bend over backwards to please his s/o....he got taken to the cleaners once already (which is why he lives at my Dad's - he's trying to get back on his feet). He now fully supports his girlfriend, who likes "the good life" and seems to have no conscience about taking without giving. She even sponged off Dad when she was this day, she owes him a substantial amount of money but seems like she has no intention of ever paying it back! He loaned her money to buy a van and she was intially paying him $200/month but he hasn't seen a dime since she moved out last winter...doubt he ever will. He writes it off and says it worth it to have her out of there...I see it a little differently and think she should, in fact, have to eventually pay for it. I have zero respect for people like that...all in all, I liked her until I got to know her. She treats my brother horribly, yet his way to fix that is by buying and doing more for her. I wish he could see that he's his own worst enemy in all of this - that the more he does, the more is expected. I stay out of that part of it - it's his deal. But the thing with my nephew was what started everything...I bit my tongue as long as I could. And, in reading his Facebook status and picking up on things that the kid was in trouble, I had to do something.

Anyhow, I feel for my brother deep down...I don't like to see him in chaos like this, but also am frustrted that his loyalties are displaced as he chooses his girlfriend over his son. There shouldn't be an ultimatum involved...a good relationship would mean you could have both. I know why he's lashing out at me - because he can. I think he's frustrated with his girlfriend, yet won't stand up to her and so I get the backlash that he'd like to direct at her...I'm the scapegoat. Because he knows that, no matter what happens, if he really needs me - I'll be there. Anyhow, his son is temporarily back with his mother so the girlfriend can have 100% of his undivided attention.

So much for not delving, huh?

When it comes to kids, I can't turn a blind eye. I've been through this before - my aunt (who was more like an older sister to me) went off the deep end when her marriage broke up. She had 3 kids before she was 20 and when they were young, she began drinking and ended up in the throws of full blown alcoholism. I stepped in (I was 16) and pretty much raised her kids for a summer. When it came time for me to return to school, I called the Ministry on her. I warned her before I did so..she laughed at me and challenged me to do it, so I did. Best decision I ever she says she was in a blackout for a year and doesn't remember any of it. She's a great Mom and, to this day, they're my closest relatives apart from my immediate family.

Anyhow, was only meaning to do a quick "update"...but you know me by now. ;)

All in all, life is good - hectic, but good.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Debbie Downer Reporting Here

I'd recently put together two different posts that are saved as drafts, but I don't seem to be able to "finish" things lately...I'm full of starts and half finishes. Am I ever finished?...maybe that's the problem with me. I can't close the deal. I start off like gangbusters then fizzle out. Don't ever hit publish because I find I've said a whole lot about nothing and who really cares?

I will go back and look at them (my posts that is - I don't even remember what they were about) and, if they're still applicable, I'll publish them. I don't think they are.

Honestly, I'm tired - both physically and mentally. I'm tired of worrying and carrying the responsibilities of being a single mom. I'm tired of never having a vacation or any real "fun" time that lasts for more than 3 hours (or takes 3 hours to prepare for/clean up after). "WAAAAAAAAAA".

Suck it up princess.

Seriously though, I really am dragging my ass around and fighting to keep going. Nothing overly dramatic (I lie), just an ongoing struggle to dig deep and find some spark each day to try and light me up. I'm going to the Lion's game tomorrow, but even that has failed to really excite me. I'm usually totally psyched for games but things have sort of fallen apart and I thought I'd be going with Ty or my brother - but that's not going to happen. Ty's out of town and my brother's currently out to lunch (literally, you'll learn about it later). So I've arranged to go with some neighbor/friends (a first for me, I NEVER go out with friends anymore)'ll be fun but, at this point, I really would rather just stay home and catch the game on TV. I'm forcing myself to go, as I think I need to socialize. I'm also keeping in mind that I have just had a bug of some sorts and that that's probably draining me and I haven't fully recovered from it. I hate being sick. Down. Tired. I'm a go getter who can only really function properly when I'm burning the candle at both ends. I don't do tired and lazy very well and, when I'm forced to, it throws me off, it depresses me. Which, in turn, adds to the lethargy. It's a vicious cycle and my bike riding is my attempt to combat it. So far, I'm failing. (Isn't this fun? Heehee)

My brother and I had a "thing" and I'm not convinced that he isn't using again. Fuck. He says he's not, but his behavior tells me he might be. I can't go through that again. He's starting to snap and I confronted him on it yesterday, to which he reacted with hostility. I haven't seen him like this in a couple of years and, quite frankly, it scares me to think that we might be losing him again. It's also out of my control and I'm not going to let it suck what little wind is in my sails right now. It's his deal and all I can do is pray he's o.k.

I'm currently still (halfheartedly) looking for another job - I really don't want to leave my job because I love it. But the money's just not cutting it at the moment and I can't live by just scraping by...I like doing things and that requires cash. If I can hang in there until October, I'll get double the hours that I'm getting now - but only for a couple of months until my boss likely decides to pack it in. She hasn't had the decency to talk to me about the fact that my job is likely ending soon - I hear it through the grapevine. I'm still considering buying her out (Dad will back me). It would ensure that my kids always have part time jobs in between jobs or enable them to continue their schooling (which Ty would like to do). I'm seriously thinking about it, but don't know that I want the extra responsibility that would come with running my own business. I know I COULD do it, just don't know that I want to. I kind of just want to go punch in and do my 8 hours, then be out of there. I think I'm getting old...where'd all my drive and ambition go?

High points - I am riding A LOT and feeling pretty damn fit for the most part. I also have a shoulder injury and finally went to the doctor (it's been a month), who said I'll likely need some physio. We'll see - that's time that I'd rather spend out riding. My doctor's great - he doesn't push things and he knows how to work "around" me. You've gotta love a doctor who prescribes medication and then says "I know you won't fill this prescription, but I'm writing it out anyhow". He knows me. Oh, I guess a shoulder injury isn't really a "high point", is it? Well the fact that my doctor is a gem is, so we'll run with it.

So I'm still doing the same big bunch of nothing, which is why I rarely post. I'm boring. I have been taking tons of pictures and will upload a few...blogger takes so damn long and frustrates the hell out of me - which is partially why I never end up finishing posts. I'd really like to show them all somehow because I think there are some great shots. But, in order to do that, it'd take me all night - so just a few for now. They tell the story of why I'm never around - I'm out there, away from the computer soaking up the last gasps of summer. It's been gorgeous here - today was freaking hot as hell. I live in a beautiful place and I feel happy when I'm at the river. Even if I am alone.

Oh, today's Mom's birthday. Linds and I saw a bunch of balloons floating in the sky and we're pretty sure they were for her. Things'll never be the same without her, but I am o.k.


I promise to have a brighter outlook soon...just one of those valleys before the peaks, ya know? Not really depressed, mostly just exhausted. Might try sleeping soon, could help. ;)

I really hate negativity and am very much aware of the fact that I'm immersed in it right now. I think awareness is half the battle though...I can work through it by doing the right things. Keeping in touch with all (5) of you is a big part of that - you're extremely important to me. Even Ty had recognized that and he threatened to hack into my account and impersonate me if I didn't get a post up pronto (that was a week ago!). He told me I was ignoring my friends and I needed to stay connected here and he was right.

So, here's where I've been hiding:

(Click on the pics to make them bigger/better)

............follow the leader anyone?......

This is my brother's cat, "Taz". He's as dumb as a doornail. He falls off windowsills and tables and runs at the slightest rumble like a big scaredy cat. Dad and I once heard stuff crashing and rattling and we seriously thought it was an was Tazzie...tearing around, petrified, with a plastic bag stuck on his head! We couldn't stop him to get it off...he knocked over china and pretty near took out the entire china cabinet. But he's SO loveable. Here he's claimed Lindsay's shirt as his pillow. I just love this guy.

I've been running across a lot of old cars lately...I like them...

Friends at work (they make my lunch every day - and they're damn good at it too). I'm going to the football game with the one on the right...she's a total sweetheart.

This is my pet crow at work - I feed him and, when I get tied up with something, he hops to the glass door and peeks in at me until I notice him. Yes, I'm one of those crazy bird/cat ladies. What shall we name him?
Now we all know how Deb feels about people on her rock, riiiiiiiiight? *Sigh* (Can you see why I love it here?)

I grew up in this town and I still love it and ride down here often. This place used to be my favorite as a kid - it was called the "DUDUCKINN"....a candy shop that had a butcher in the back corner! Weird.

A taste of what Steveston was like when I grew up here. It's being revamped as a trendy, waterfront village but it'll always just be "home" to me.
This was the movie theater in Steveston that my parents went to when they were teenagers.
My Mom nearly drowned in these very waters when she was young...she was learning how to float on her back in the river when the current grabbed ahold of her and was pulling her out to sea! A fisherman jumped in off the dock and saved her.

I have many more "Steveston" photos (there's so much to see in such a little community). I also have some gorgeous sunset pics from over by the airport/Olympic oval site...but Blogger's about to explode and it's taking 3 attempts per pic, so later.

I'm off to look at those old, saved posts to see if there's anything worth salvaging. Remind me to tell you about Saturday night in my next post...too tired tonight.

G'night friends. I promise to come around and visit you all this weekend. And I hope to visit some of you "face to face" soon (Phaedra, Mel)