What's In A Name?

I spend a good deal of time on various sport's forums and tonight when I was on Canucks.com a fellow fan sent me a p/m that made me laugh.

Apparently he wanted to know a bit more about me, so he was checking out the link to this blog via my profile.

Now, let me tell you that when I named my blog I did so very innocently...it was based on a combination of two things. The first was a Holly McNarland song that I was listening to a lot at the time. The second was the fact that the blog was going to be little more than a bunch of crap randomly thrown together, like a junk drawer or a box stuffed full with bits and pieces (hence the name "The Box").

I should've thought it over more.

Poor LagerHog...tonight he clicked on the link and described to me how he immediately thought "JACKPOT"! when it directed him to "Deb's Box". He thought it was going to be one of those places. Sorry to disappoint (this Debbie DOES NOT do Dallas).

Just a boring bunch of Mom stuff.

We shared a chuckle over it.

The reason I rarely make it here anymore (or anywhere in the blogosphere for that matter) is that I feel tired lately. Not really physically tired...just mentally drained. Scattered (again). Disconnected. I go through periods like this on occasion and I "disappear" when that happens. I spend a lot of time on my rock in the sun...thinking about (missing) Mom. Worrying about Dad. Trying to figure out a 17 year old daughter who thinks I'm the enemy because I want to parent her instead of be her best friend. She's a good kid - God, when I was 17......

(we won't go there)

The ex and I don't talk anymore. Not a bitter thing - he just hasn't called in weeks. Do I miss him? My gut reaction says yes but, when I think about it - no. I don't miss the bullshit. His drunk calls at 2 am that started with "I love you" and ended with "I hate you". "Bitch". His manipulation and control. I've heard he's finally got someone...I hope he treats her better than he treated me. Sometimes being with him and putting up with his abuse made me feel like I'd had a lobotomy. Numb and stupid. I already feel sorry for her - sad for her. I bet she's nice. Too nice. I hope he doesn't kill her too.

For nearly 35 years, he and I were the best of friends. Up until a month and a half ago, he still drunk dialed me to say I was the love of his life and ask what went wrong...why our dreams died. But now, nothing. After the episode with the kids, I disconnected from him. He crossed a line that couldn't be undone. He recently sent me a registered letter to tell me something. So that's what a 35 year relationship becomes...an envelope that requires a signature.

I don't miss him as a partner. I will always miss him as a part of me though - as a friend who knew all my secrets. Someone who could write the history of me - no one else could do that but him. I'm mourning his friendship right now...even though he sucked at it.

My house is a God awful mess. I don't even care...I don't have the capacity to care right now. That's worrisome.

I think know I'm suffering from a pretty deep rooted depression and this is one fuck of a bout of it that I'm dealing with...but I don't have the the time/energy to seek out help. That's bullshit too - I don't want to invest the time/energy - I'd rather do other things. So I'll do it alone, via bike rides and soul searches at the river. Probably dumb to think I can do it alone, but I'm giving it a shot. Wonder Woman.

I've worked out my entire life and, for awhile there, I gave it up. Getting back at it - I mean fully commited to it - feels good. It always does wonders for my emotional health, as well as my physical being when I exert myself - push myself...I'm starting to feel strong again. The sun on my skin, wind in my hair as I ride....it's a spiritual thing. It's helping. Mind and body really do have a connection that can either work against each other or in perfect harmony. It's best to try and use one to help heal the other.

Tonight was good...I rode my bike (hard and long). Siamese Dream in my (ahem) Walkman - yes, I know. I don't want an IPOD - my Walkman's like an old friend - it's been with me 20 years now. It crackles and eats tapes but I can drop it on the ground doing 20 on my bike and the thing keeps playing. I have a hard time parting with things. People, things.

Anyhow, I rode past the boat launch tonight and I noticed Dad's van and my brother's truck/trailer. They obviously were out fishing together...that made me smile. They've finally found each other again - it isn't perfect, but it's something. I looked for them on the water...there's something comforting in them being out there. It's where they belong and it means the world's right.

When I got home I went and grabbed a large pizza for them, knowing they'd be cold and tired when they got the boat in. They were late - the sun was setting and it worried me. The water was choppy and I know they don't wear lifevests (they think they're old salts of the sea and "don't need 'em". Invincible men). I waited, then got cold and decided to go drop the pizza off at their place - got halfway there and realized I didn't have keys to get in.

Went back to the boatlaunch and they were there. My nephew and Dave's NA friend were also there and I wished I'd bought two pizzas. We shared a few laughs as the sun slipped below the horizon and I felt happy. Simple things folks. That's what it's all about.

I think I can beat this thing. I'm working on it. But stories like this don't help much. I guess, in the overall scope of things, I'm not a bad mother after all. The world makes me sad when I read stuff like this.

I feel really bad for dropping off the face of the earth - no blog visits, no posting...nothing. I'm lame.

As much as I'd like to be able to tell you I was stuck in quick sand while trying to rescue a baby or on an African Safara, I really don't have a reason for my absence....just that the gorgeous weather we've been having tends to draw me away from my dark little computer corner and the only thing I've been doing on the net lately is checking in on football/hockey news.

I've been riding every night without fail...mountain biking is definitely my "thing" now. I love it.

I've also been waiting with bated breath for Mats Sundin to sign with my team. Here in Vancouver, the residents and local businesses are trying to sweeten the deal with additional offerings to his contract (like $20 million isn't enough). Anyhow, I'm donating a Set For Life scratch & win and some of Dad's wild smoked AND pickled salmon to the cause. I'm sure that'll seal the deal.

Ty and I went to the Lion's game Friday night...it was Bob Ackles night and there was a lovely tribute to the man who did so much for football in this province. My team's still shaking out some cobwebs, but they managed to win it for Bob. Great seats, lots of fun. The $30 parking spot didn't impress me much - I figured they could've at least washed the car while we were inside, but no go. Bastards.

My man Geroy is in fine form this year...he's about to surpass "Dirty 30" (Jim Young) in the record books. I remember watching Jim at Empire Stadium when he set those records waaaay back when. (God I'm old)

Speaking of way back when, this is kind of interesting. As you may already know, the ex and I were together since we were kids - 14 to be exact. I never had eyes for anyone else but that didn't stop some of my friends from trying to hook me up with other guys to get me away from K (he wasn't a big hit with my friends - he was possessive, jealous and sometimes mean to me...he found my friends to be a threat). Anyhow, I worked at the alcohol & drug centre in my 20's and was friends with one of the older, female counsellors. Looking back, I think she may have been the original "cougar"...she was always on a manhunt and constantly trying to get me to go out with her to lure in the younger men. So one day this really good looking guy (my age) comes into the office and she pulls me aside and says "he's a friend of mine...I want you to go out with him". When I said I didn't think so she chimed in with "don't you know who he is?!!!! HE'S AN ILICH!". The guy was gorgeous and at the time K and I had just been going through a really rough spot in our relationship and were thinking of taking a break. But, as tempted as I was, I declined the offer. Much arm twisting went on, but I stood firm in my (dumb blind) loyalty to K. So we made small talk with Mr. Gorgeous and then he left.

As it turns out, I ride by his parent's house palace on my nightly bike rides and I can't help but think of how my life might've been different if I'd gone out with him. The house is 5 minutes away from my place.

Anyhow - THIS is the house (make sure you take the "tour"). I was one of those dummies who married for love. D'oh.

I put together a post about what I've been doing this past week but I've saved it as a draft for now. It was kind of heavy...just don't know if I want to drag it here. In the meantime, these are some pictures I've been taking on my nightly rides (I leave every night after work at 6 and get home around 9...gorgeous riverside riding).

Oh, and this is a conversation I had with my Dad tonight on the phone just before I left:

DAD: "oh good, you're back from your ride"

ME: "no, haven't left yet, why?"

D: "well I have a problem"

I pause for a moment, as Dad's been experiencing a few health problems again lately. My heart sinks.

M: "what is it?"

D: "my damn TV has words printed all over it"

(whew...thank God)

M: "what do you mean words?"

D: "WORDS, like what's being said. Says something about closed caption whatever that is"

M: "I'll be right there Dad"

A few minutes later I arrive at Dad's house to find his TV off. He tells me he was too pissed off to watch it anymore because of those damn words crowding up the screen. I hit the "CLOSED CAPTION/TEXT" button smack dab in the middle of his remote and shut it off.

D: "Good, now I can watch the end of the baseball game."

I'm glad I could be of service Dad. (I'm now his super hero).

*sigh*

Did I tell you my Dad hates technology and probably wishes he had lanterns, a horse, a well, and a wood burning stove?

Anyhow, here's where I've been hiding. I love this place (click on them to make them larger/better)......





















I have more but, as usual, Blogger's giving me a hard time and it's taking 3-4 attempts for each picture.

Wow, I've been slacking lately, eh? (That's Canadian for "right?").

I apologize for not, at the very least, responding to comments or visiting your blogs. Rude, rude, rude. The bottom line is that I'm on the fly 24-7 right now (and loving every minute of it).

I'm back to mountain biking (hard and long) and that consumes the "me" time that used to be spent on the internet. Can't have it all. It's very therapeutic and I'm in a much better head space when I allow myself that time. I'll post pics later - have some great ones from my rock. Here's a preview...ya just never know what you're gonna see on one of these rides....

A quick recap:

We attended the Matt Good show on Thursday, which was stellar (as usual). I gave up my "good" floor seat to Jesse and got hooked up with another one that turned out to be one of the best seats in the house....center, balcony, aisle. Loved it. Anyhow, the concert was amazing but I just couldn't do justice to a review like my new friend Jennifer. She is a fellow fan who I've met through the site and had the pleasure of actually meeting in person at the show. She's a doll. I also met another internet "friend" for the first time, who was even lovelier in person than I'd imagined....t - you know who you are. Matt's fans are some of the best people I've ever encountered...truly a great bunch and I'm glad to have had the opportunity to meet a few of them firsthand.

* * * * *

We did our usual jaunt to the racetrack yesterday and had a splendid day there...the weather was perfect, there was live entertainment and the company was the best. Linds and Jesse even joined us for the afternoon, making things complete. I lost every race (that's normal for me) but don't care at all about that - it's all about the quality time spent together. A+.

* * * * *

Today is a big NHL day around this household...radios, TV's and the internet are all tuned in to hockey programs in anticipation of what deals may (or may not) go down. Our Canucks are poised to make a splash, although we've learned not to hold our breath here. In related news, my boy Gilbert (Brule) has been sent to Edmonton in exchange for Raffi Torres....although I think Columbus got the better end of that deal, I've seen Brule play (and had the pleasure of meeting him) and he's got serious potential. He plays with heart and determination and is a tough boy...we'll see how that one pans out.

* * * * *

In big news, it's my country's birfday today. A big shout out to Canada, for being so awesome. I'm going down to my Dad's (who lives in the heart of Canada Day land), for the annual Salmon festival in Steveston. I've been attending since I was a kid and it's a huge deal. Will report back later, as I see I'm running late (as usual)....

Have a great day everyone.