I have three words for today.......



























Fuck this shit.




To who ever decided it would be a good idea to turn the snow back on - kiss my frozen ass. Seriously, enough already.

After spending two days at the beach in glorious sun, this snowfall today is about as welcome as a bad case of leprosy. It's ruining my flow here.

I had a dental appointment (like that's not bad enough on its own) but, after sliding Linds to school this morning, decided the car was staying put and I'd find another way to get there. I called a cab and, quite honestly, it was the best ten bucks I've spent all week.

On my walk home (yes, I was too cheap to cab both ways), I passed FOUR accidents. Understand here, it's only a couple of miles from the dentist to my place. One cute Asian couple had obviously tried to do a corner too fast and their car was planted in the middle of a huge shrub...only the ass end was visible. Nice, what do you do for an encore - jump into empty pools? The next one was at the firehall - I guess if you're gonna crash, that's a pretty good spot. Then a red van was wrapped around a pole - that one looked bad. And a guy was on the sidewalk, which isn't a great path to take either. So I chuckled to myself at my brilliant decision to not drive, then headed into 7-11 to grab a coffee for the remainder of my walk. I wondered why the store clerk (who knows me from the booth) shot me a funny glance...that was until I passed the mirrored donut display and saw my mascara streaming down my cheek. Awesome. My hair was covered in snow...there (honestly) was a snowball hanging from my bangs. What a vision that was. So I grabbed a napkin, some of the snow from my hair and washed the mascara off my face right there in the middle of 7-11. But mostly I just made a big smear of my entire face..."oh hai, does anyone want to date me? I'm available."

I then headed home, only to realize when I got here that I'd left my keys inside and was locked out.

So it's going to be one of those days, is it?

Fuck this shit.

"Dear Dad:

I don't miss you.....













......AT ALL.

Chuck."

I have company this week.

Chuck is here and I'm dogsitting all week as the ex had a business trip. I love this dog - he's beautiful, but I will never get another of my own...too much work. I just don't have the available time to commit a dozen or more years to an animal (although, with the job hunting going nowhere, maybe I do?). I do miss having a pet around though and Chuck is great company...I'm looking forward to this.

K forgot to leave his leash so yesterday I dug out an old purse strap that had a clip on the end. I dropped it on the floor to go do something and the next thing I knew I turned around to see Chuck standing behind me, purse strap in his mouth! He then dropped it at my feet and went to grab his ball, which he plunked down beside the "leash". How smart is this guy? (smarter than the ex, that's how smart. He wouldn't even wear his leash). I'm quite convinced that if I continue to ignore Chuck's "hints" for a walk, I'll be getting an email from him.

Anyhow, it's a gorgeous day out here so after my blueberry banana muffins are done, we're hitting the beach for some fun. (Chuck just dropped his leash at my feet again and how am I supposed to say no to THIS face?! Yeah, I know....impossible.)

Have a great day.

God loves me.

I have to drive to Surrey today (now) and it's absolutely gorgeous outside.

It's been fog city here lately and when I drove out there last week, I nearly crashed. True story. At one point, I couldn't see the road AT ALL and found myself in the bike lane, about to go completely OFF road. (FTR - Ty calls me a pansy ass driver lately...I'm the brunt of his driving jokes because I don't do snow. He and the ex think I should be ejected out of Canada for that. Add fog to that list now. I did tell him a story about my "driving" that's changed his tune about me. Now he just thinks I'm a crazy lady again.)

So last Friday Ty and I headed out to Cloverdale to the track and I had to drive home at night (alone), after dropping him off along the way. It was dark and extremely foggy....at the track, we'd laughed as the horses rode off into the wall of fog, only to have the announcers stumble and stammer out their commentary....."uh, the horses are off....[pause, pause some more].....and someone's in front.....[pause, pause, pause]..." We'd see the horses finish (barely)...that's it.

On the way home I couldn't see a foot in front of me. Now, understand here, the route I take is difficult at the best of times - it's a winding riverside drive down a dark road (with few-no streetlights). At certain points, there is absolutely no shoulder on the road and, if you look down to turn the heater off, you could easily end up IN the river. A little dicey in the fog. Just when I decided to drive with my eyes closed so I could pray I'd get home, a semi pulled around the corner in front of me and guided me all the way back to the highway. "I love you mister...thank you". (I tailgated that sucker the entire way back to the highway). We were the only two vehicles on the road for the most part and it was a huge relief to have him in front of me. Those red lights on the back of his truck steered me home (if he'd have plunged in the river, I was right behind him...next in).

But today it's clear sailing. I love the sun and have missed it. This is going to be a good day, I know it.

;)

I did a dumb thing yesterday. Really dumb.

For whatever reason (boredom), I went through my archives starting right from the word go here. I read through post after post and it was strange....like reading someone else's life. And then I got to the stuff about Mom. I was reluctant to go there...painfully fresh and raw. I know it's been nearly two years (it has?), but it's like it was yesterday. When you're experiencing something like that, at the time, it's a blur and there is no thing called time. It's meaningless, other than you know it'll eventually run out...as for hours or days - it doesn't matter. I don't really know why I read on, but I did. And, for a moment, it all came flooding back and swallowed me up. One line, in particular, hit me like a sledgehammer over the head. It stopped me in my tracks like I'd hit a wall and it put me right back there. But I was more observant this time...clued in. Experiencing it instead of the numbness that kept it at bay. It was overwhelming.

For the most part, I'm ok - I don't dwell or get caught up in sadness. I like to smile, laugh, talk about and remember my Mom as she was - a happy person who loved life. That's what we were all about. The other person in that bed wasn't Mom. And it's a knife in the heart memory so I generally choose to forget that part. But something compelled me to read on, to relive it. Maybe it was part of processing it all so that I can keep moving forward. One foot in front of the other. It hurt like hell.

That one line stuck with me all day. That one image. There's something in brain cancer that's extraordinarily cruel. Aside from the torturous pain it causes, it messes people up. And if you're not really aware of how this manifests itself, it can be awfully disturbing. For a family watching their loved one battle this demon, it's horrific, shocking and confusing as hell. Like the end of a nightmare when you're first waking up and halfway into reality, but still stuck in the bad dream. Trying to figure out if it's real or not - only in that instance, you get the relief that it's not.

At the time, I didn't understand Mom's hostility...she'd always been a fighter and I thought she was being terribly difficult at times. And I fought back....tried to get her to "smarten up" and see how unreasonable she was being. We're both feisty and, although we were not only mother/daughter but also the best of friends, that didn't mean we couldn't lock horns. So I did at times, unbeknownst to me that she was incapable of controlling it - she wasn't speaking/acting like this, the lump in her head was. But I was in there at the time, toe to toe, trying to reason with her. Ha, how do you "reason" with something that's the equivalent of a hacked computer harddrive? She wasn't controlling things, her brain had been invaded and was now acting on its own.

I only wrestle with the wish that, at the time, I would've been armed with the knowledge and awareness that I now have of what was happening. I was completely caught up in the throes of it all and trying to make sense of something impossible to understand. I know, hindsight makes it easier to look back and do the would've/could've thing. I try and keep it in perspective, but there's definitely some sadness in how incapable I was of truly stepping away from the position of trying to steer Mom back onto the tracks to focus more on just being there for her. We were already derailed and in a deep dark forest by that point...only thing to do was just brace ourselves and hang onto each other. But I was still fighting to keep it all together.

".....her gritted teeth...." I remember now. It was horrific - she was SO hostile and violent at that point. It caught me off guard...floored me. Swearing (she hated the "F" word). Throwing things. Gritting her teeth and clenching her fists. Honestly, it was like Linda Blair's Exorcist performance. That scary.

And now all I can do is think of how utterly horrific that must've been for her if she was tuned in to it all. For a long time, Mom had said she felt "different" - that she wasn't "herself". She'd say there was something wrong in her head (and yes, there was - she'd had an aneurysm/stroke many years before. I always attributed it to that). But I wonder if she had an awareness of this beast as it was taking her over at the time and, near the end, if the clenched teeth and fists were her trying to fight it? I hope she was oblivious to it all and the words just poured out without any resistance. That there was no inner struggle like that of a split personality trying to figure out which one could reveal itself at any given time. I don't know that this makes sense...I just have this gnawing, unanswered/unresolved question about whether or not she was trying to ward it off as it was happening. If it caused her distress or if she was completely out of tune with what she was doing. I so hope that she was.

I picture her like that and I cry. I wish I understood it THEN. I would've simply held her hand and reassured her instead of challenging her on the words that she was growling. I was trying to put puzzle pieces together in a pool. I guess the question I'm wrestling with was did SHE know? Did she feel alone? Confused and disoriented? Scared? Or was she unaware and just going through the motions. God I hope so. Man, it's rough.

There, a tear and it's done for now. Put away in that safe little box in my mind that says "do not open". This isn't really a should've/could've/would've thing. Well maybe it is, but I really don't carry guilt, just sadness. I accept that I did what I could with what little I had. Which wasn't much.

Brain cancer has got to be one of the most disturbing ways anyone could ever die and I guess it's normal that I'll have moments like this. I don't want to remember that Mom.

For the record, I also found some pretty humorous posts in there as well (did I really write them? They're kinda good). Funny how sarcasm and dry humor can mask complete devastation and turmoil.

I stopped partway through reading and shut things down because, at that point, I realized that I was just torturing myself unnecessarily. I didn't have to do what I was doing. That there's no turning back the hands on the clock or redoing things and everything I did was out of nothing but absolute love for my Mother. That's what matters most.

Just thought I'd share this, for selfish reasons. Not a sunny post, but it's who I am at the moment. It's temporary...I know that. A workout is in order and I fully expect that to work like an Advil on a headache. What headache?

You know I go along for the most part being chipper, silly, nutty, having fun and then whammo. I take a wrong turn and end up here. I don't like feeling sad...I'm out of my element when I do. It's uncomfortable to me.

I always feel better when I talk to you. Life's a journey, isn't it?

I didn't do the whole "Obama" thing because I figured I'd be the one person in the world who didn't. Awesome, but we'll see.

I'm going for a (much needed) makeover/hair thing now. Two hours worth. Initially, I booked it with the job interview process in mind but, since there's nothing happening there, I guess it's just for me. ;)

(I still can't grasp the $150 for a hairdo bit though)

A little lol (to myself) when I saw the song that's appeared on my FM playlist over there >>>>>>

What? HUH? Oh yeah, I remember now.....I made a CD for my brother. I really do hate that song, really.

Anyhow, just caught it.

SO tired - too tired to post (see below). Back later....going to pick up Linds, then it's a crapshoot (I never was a good afternoon napper. Hate wasting daylight).

Tonight's (this morning's?) a bit of a knot in the stomach affair. Yes, it's 4:36 am and I still haven't slept. Actually, I haven't slept much in 3 nights and it's a real uneasiness I'm feeling.

Ty's not here - he's back out in Surrey for the week. I miss my man in the house when he's not here. It's too quiet - he's boisterous and a night owl (like me).

We've been having ongoing problems with break ins/thefts, etc. (that I touched on in the "Ed" post). It's been going on quite awhile and has recently started again and seems to be escalating - now it's cars in the parking lot and our carports. On Saturday night a Lexus SUV two doors over from my place was hit. Broken driver's side window, stuff stolen. Nearly every car's been hit except mine (both of them). The Volvo light was on a few weeks ago, despite the fact that I hadn't been in it since before the snowfall. My neighbor brought it to my attention and I found it strange, but didn't really connect it to a break in. Don't know what I thought really.

So my neighbor, Caesar, warned me to be on alert the other day. We're a good team at this end (remember?) and I was pleasantly reassured when I heard voices at 2:30 or so the other morning and looked out the deck to see Caesar and Martin "patrolling" out there. They know I keep a look out too - we had a wave and I went back in.

Tonight I watched a late movie and when it was done, I heard something outside. The cars are out back and I looked there first. Nothing - no one around. And then I went to the front window and was surprised to see 3 guys out front, walking by with objects in their hands! Looked at first like toy swords or something. But as they got further away, I wasn't sure - it looked like maybe one had a tire iron and a club or stick. I watched to make sure they didn't head down our path and, as I peeked out the window, one of them turned back and may've spotted me. I wondered if they were heading to the end of the complex (and around the corner/in) or if they'd just keep going, but didn't want to let them know I was watching so sat in the dark.

So here I am, still sitting up in the dark. I considered calling the cops - but they rarely even show for these calls. My neighbor (a Vancouver cop) had just left for his 4 am shift before this. Maybe they case the place and wait for him to leave?

Very unnerving, to say the least. It's not just the fact that my new vehicle's out there, it's also very unsettling to think of someone poking around your place in the wee hours (with bad intentions). I don't keep anything in my vehicle - so unless they want to steal it, there's not much to see. But I just am creeped out by the thought that there could be someone out there.

Something that always factors in and comes back to haunt me was a terrifying situation years ago. When I was still with the ex, he was a Senior Shop Steward at work and was in negotiations that were long and drawn out. He worked hard to get things settled but, as things go, not everyone was happy. One guy, in particular, who had an unstable emotional state, was really angry about the deal. He'd been suspended more than once for outbursts and was bordering on being fired for behavioral issues. He started harassing the ex and, when he was ineffective at rattling him at work, started calling here in the middle of the night (when the ex was on graveyards). Threatening, crank type calls. Said he'd burn the house down, etc. (he was the kind of guy you took seriously). We quickly changed/unlisted the number but I'm once again listed (no address) under my married name, with the phone number. And K's just undergone some more stuff at work that's caused resentment towards him (it comes with the job...can't please all the people stuff). More threats and his vehicle's been broken into (and stolen on one occasion) - twice since Christmas. So that stuff always lingers in the back of my mind and adds to any uneasiness I'm feeling in the middle of the night. I know it's probably nothing to worry about, but still do.

It's not about me anymore. Or my stuff. But my daughter's up there and that's why I sit up at night, with my stupid 10 pin bowling pin and a wooden club right beside me. So far, so good...but every bump in the night jars me and I curl back into a ball of anxiety.

Some nights I feel very alone. Tonight would be one of them.

We Are All Canucks Unemployed

Dear(est) Deb:

While I do understand that your life has no particular order at the moment, wearing PJ's out of the house and as clothing is just not acceptable. Sure, it feels great and is "comfy", but getting dressed just isn't that much of a chore, is it? If it is, you're in deep trouble - quit life now. Because, when you go to get gas and the Petro Can guy starts critiquing your outfit because he looks better (in his red/black jumpsuit) than you do, it's time to address the issue.

Also, although you're finding it nice to have extra time on your hands that allows you to create wonderful meals, using every dish in the house until the kids are scrounging around looking for plastic Safeway soup spoons and dog bowls to eat with also isn't good. And please consider tearing yourself away from the important, life saving work that you do on the computer to actually sit at a table and enjoy a proper meal with utensils. It'll be o.k. They'll be o.k.

( Note to Deb: coffee and turtles DO NOT qualify as a meal.)

No, your new job is not poker and you cannot join the WPT (like you'd planned). You're good, but you're not that good. So quit justifying the time spent with people named boobzrhaWt and weedman08 as practice time or time well spent - they're losers (like you). And, although you claim that when you stay up late to watch Poker After Dark (twice) it's "research", it's actually getting light out by the second edition so you might want to reassess that. I understand that you do win the online freerolls when you play, but it works out to 3 cents an hour. C'mon. You're better than that.













In closing, I also understand that you now have a "pet" crow (or two) that sit outside your window and wait to be fed by you. And that you have, from time to time, been known to "talk" to them like they are your friends. Crazy people do that. Stop it.
















I'm pulling for you Deb. Now go put on two odd socks and face the world.

Sincerely,
Someone who cares.

The job hunting sucks...haven't heard a bloody word. Maybe I'm impatient (I only put out my Resumes last week), but I don't do well without structure. AT ALL. Days melt into nights and yesterday I realized that I was just finishing my start the day coffee at 5:00. It was already dark outside - I think I may need to change the new morning routine.

After the past few years of chaos, I really did need "a break" (somewhere tropical might've been nice) and it is nice to slow the pace down. But if there's one thing I understand about myself it's that I'm only successful when I've got a full "To Do" list and things are scheduled...when that stops, so do I. ADDHD and every other D you can throw in there applies. Scattered, unfocused and unproductive. When my day is free, so is my mind and, oh boy, that's a treat - "look at the pretty buttterflies" (-3 hours). My "just checking something on the internet" turns into a half day deal and don't even get me started if I go out with my camera in my hand....I think seasons change while I'm out there.

So, I'm getting worried. No news is bad news and I need to find employment NOW. The couple of options that are sure fire things aren't really what I'm looking for, but I might be forced to fill some gaps with them. I'm fighting hard against it but, as time goes on, it's no longer about "choices", it's all about necessity.

Perhaps my Canucks can hire me to boot camp them into playing better before they end up unemployed and in PJ's like me? Excuse me while I go ponder the thought of athletes in their skivvies for awhile....

Boy oh boy time flies, doesn't it?

Are we really midway through January already? Better get going on my resolutions (again).

I've been really busy following up on job leads. I have one that has really tweaked my interest and I was contacted by someone, which leads me to believe they're also interested. It sort of ties in my many years as a secretary with my love of/training in fitness. I'm extremely excited at the prospect, but am also well aware of the fact that, with the current state of the economy, each job posting comes with a kazillion applicants. Fingers crossed.

"GO #14"

I've also been a good hockey aunt lately, taking in some of my nephew's games....the time flies things applies here as well. These "kids" are no longer little scamps scooting around the ice looking to grab the puck - they've developed into real hockey players. I was wow'd by how much they've progressed, even since last year. Brandon's team won (6-0) and he scored on a beautiful, back hander...but apparently the report (from parents who expect too much?) - it wasn't a "great" game. I beg to differ.

Brandon was recently selected for a team that travelled down to the US to play a tourney over New Year's....there were teams from as far away as Russia competing. That quickly put things into perspective, as they got their butts handed to them. It was a good learning experience, as they realized how difficult it is to actually complete and be successful at a higher level. Some of these kids "train" for hours each day, so it doesn't come easily...there's a lot of hard work involved. Motivational indeed.

We won't talk about MY hockey team - you know, the one that currently needs resuscitation...Captain Lu can't come back quickly enough. Last night our goaltender looked like he forgot to wear his contacts and put us in a huge hole...despite a valiant third period effort, it was a case of too little too late (again). I actually paid for the game last night. I can't afford to waste money like that.

Anyhow, the snow's finally melted here and it's time to get back to biking/walking outdoors. I get stir crazy when I'm cooped up inside so it's a welcome relief to see some blue sky today. With that, I'd better go make the most of it (as I see some clouds moving in to crash my party).

Take care and be back soon.

Some people are just flat out donkeys.

They can't be taught, reminded, fixed or saved. They're asses and totally oblivious as they go about their business, usually pissing off everyone around them. They think they're awesome.

That would be the case with my neighbour, Ed.
Oh wait, wrong Ed...although I do see some likeness here.

Without going into too much detail, he's the reason I got on our strata council. I didn't trust that he could do the job, he'd proven he couldn't. He needs babysitting and, not only is he a fathead, but he's a sly, conniving, lying jerk too. (They're the worst kind.)

He's about 60 and lives with his (really homely) wife. The picture (above) isn't a far stretch. She's also a total bitch. I think she's a spindly old school teacher - that or a cranky librarian. Not that it really matters, but when you're douchebags, it doesn't help that you have buck teeth and are ugly. Ugly is o.k. with me, just compensate for it with niceness. Try harder. If the attitude matches the ugly, then you've failed (miserably).

Anyhow, way, way back (when I first got my Volvo), Ed announced that he belonged to the "Volvo club" (he had two of them). And, when I began experiencing problems with my car, he offered to "go under my hood". He was creepy though and I suspected that he was referring to more than just my car, so I politely declined his offer.

Ed copped an attitude with me after that. And, because he was on council, he used that position to send me messages. When my mother was dying, he harassed me because I refused to let contractors in (unannounced) on a Sunday at 5 p.m. I was heading to the hospice at the time. He questioned my "priorities" at that point (what a goof)...it was fun watching him pry his fat foot out of his mouth when I matter of factly said "my dying mother is my priority Ed. Get over it". I probably should've added "loser", but I didn't. Things got ugly between us and, at one point, I threatened to get a lawyer on his ass if he didn't start playing by the rules. He backed off (somewhat) for a time.

Before things began to really boil over, little Ed and his man wife were kept in line by my two friends next door. They were also on council, one of them the longstanding President. At the time, whenever Ed would start to act up, they'd slap him upside the head and tell him to back to his corner. They were my best friends in the complex - we'd shared a front porch for 15 years and they were beautiful people. Ed was scared of them...two, 300 pound 70 year old lesbians who swore like truckers and had served in the Air Force. They carried around field hockey sticks and if there was a disturbance outside, they were quick to get out there and investigate. They were fearless and Ed didn't mess with them (or me, when they were around). He sheepishly behaved. It was always fun to watch him grovelling around them, tail between his legs. But, when they passed away, Ed and his groggy old friends took over and started to run things according to what worked for them. It quickly grew out of control...the manpower was too much and they were giddy with it.

Anyhow, over the years, Ed's cronies have slowly died or moved away, making room for a kinder, more gentler council. The old gentleman's club that used to run things by overruling majority votes based on nothing more than "we didn't like the results", are slowly fizzling out. Ed's one of the last remaining idiots on board.

The new people are great...mostly they're from my end of the complex (the "good" end). We all work together to make it a real "community" in here, at least at this end. The other side still pretty much sucks. Stuck up busy bodies who care only about themselves. It's like two different worlds - the easy going, laid backers vs the prisspots. I've mentioned this in previous posts and things have not changed.

So here's the deal with this post...Ed is at the other end of the complex (thank God) and usually parks out front of his place on the road, around the corner from us. We do have a shared parking area out back, which is divided into two sections - one section for this building, the other for Ed and the stiffs. During the recent snowstorms, the people at this end have all shared the snow shoveling duties and have taken turns clearing each other's walkways, the sidewalks and the parking area. It's all clear down here.

Now, I'll give you one guess what Ed's end looks like?

Yep, total shit.

I think there may actually be polar bears down living there at this point. They've done NO shoveling down there, opting instead to let the drifts pile up and taking the big risk that no one breaks their neck or crashes into the building. When I drive out of the lot, it's clear sailing until I hit the speedbumps at that end, at which point I do a sideways slide out into the road. Cool the first couple of times, but enough already. It's a mess and they don't care down there. It's work and unless someone coughs up some money to hire someone, they'll just pretend the snow's not there. Apparently they're above shovelling.

So today when I looked out into the parking lot as I was pouring my coffee I couldn't believe what I saw. No fucking way. Did he really have kahonas THAT BIG?!?!

There it was, in broad daylight for all to see......

ED'S CAR...

snuggled into one of our clear spots!!!

One that we've gone out there, every single day, to shovel for our families/guests. Bad backs and all. So that he could weasel his way in there!

Let me see if I've got this straight....he's let the snow pile up so much in front of his place that he can no longer get to the curb to park. So he's driven in, all the way to this end - past all the snowy spots in his parking area to take one of our spots. One of the ones I cleared FOR MY DAD TO PARK IN when he comes!! Holy fuck, it's on now.

Now perhaps this is too much for his little peabrain to grasp, but these spots are clear because we worked HARD for weeks to keep them this way. We braved the freezing cold and got soaked to the bone after work, busting our asses out there so that WE could park there. While he sat his plump little ass in an easy chair, staring out the window at us as WE SHOVELED TO BEAT SHIT, he thought we were doing it FOR HIM?! Seriously? He's that stupid?

Newsflash Ed: WE DIDN'T DO IT FOR YOU. YOU LAZY DICK. GTFO.

I have a good mind to go out there and shovel a big mountain of snow right behind his back wheels. Anyone got a spike belt handy? Seriously.

You have to understand a little more about Ed's thinking to see why this is a problem. Why people get rattled when Ed doesn't think. His "contributions" here and how he acts as a member of our little community. Why most people want to stab him with a fork.

When we were having problems with thieves in the area who were entering the property and stealing bikes, etc. the past few summers, Ed was the guy who reported "seeing" them from his window. "Not my problem". Didn't go out there and question or confront them. Call the authorities to report them. He just WATCHED as they headed down to this end and stole things from our carports. Awesome. My friend Caesar and I challenged him on this admission..."you WATCHED? WTF?!?!" Way to take one for the team, neighbour. Good thing you've got our backs. *insert eye roll here*

But that's how Ed thinks. If it's not bothering him, then why bother? It's not a bother.

Ed's not real popular around here. He brown noses, slithers and slimes his way through life. When he started to recognize the shift in power on council that was happening, he also started wandering down to this end to "socialize" with the newcomers on council around that time. He never gave them the time of day before - just when they became council members. He's swarmy like that.

I'm sitting here thinking that I should probably just let this stuff go - that it's not a big deal and it's hard on the blood pressure. But it's Ed's car in my guest spot, so I can't help feeling like I want to blow it up. And I might.

To be cont'd.....