My friend junky has tagged me.

Now considering that my latest reading material has been the income tax guide and the yellow pages, I reached down beside my computer desk and the book I grabbed was "MONEY PLAYERS: The Amazing Rise and Fall of Bob Goodenow and the NHL Players Association". Fitting, since it deals with issues that I'm currently discussing over on a hockey forum, in relation to our hiring of Mike Gilles (player agent in the NHL) as the new GM of the Vancouver Canucks. Strange.

So here are the goods:

Unfortunately for the NHL, the owners trusted Eagleson's appraisal. They were soon to find out what a mistake that was. Says Bob Riley, "The term 'advocate' is overused these days, but in Bob's case it's appropriate here.

Basically this book gives readers an inside look at the greed of rich NHL execs/owner, the agents and the players themselves. It gives us some insight into what led up to the 103 day NHL lockout and, ultimately, Bob Goodenow losing his job. It's hockey related, so it's all good.

But I'm not in much of a talkative mood here, so that's it.

I had my follow up mamm/ultrasound appointment and it wasn't great. I actually saw the black mark that's causing the concern and when the sonographer checked my file she did say "oh, I see you HAVE been here before...looks like maybe we're looking at the same spot again". Don't know if that's good/bad. Am concerned that maybe something that IS there wasn't followed up with properly and now it's been two years or so of wasted time. I don't know. I'm just tired. Sorry folks, I'm trying but I'm slowing having the wind sucked out of these old sails. The bills are due and the ex is late with his payment. But I don't even care.

I'll be happier tomorrow, I promise.

The plan yesterday (for Lindsay's birthday) was for me to pick everyone up after work at 5:30 and then head to Dad's for a get together. Sounds easy enough?

The day was going along smoothly at work when all of a sudden the phone rang and it was Linds, she had a worried tone.

"Mom, the hospital called and you have to phone them right back about something".

Now, that's not an easy call to take.

I had to serve a customer before I could make the call - my hands started shaking and it was all I could do to get through the transaction.

I then dialed the number Linds gave me and quickly realized it was a follow up to the mammogram I had last week (that I'd long forgotten about). Whew, everyone was o.k.

The woman said I needed to book another appointment for further testing "ASAP". It was to be at a different location, blah, blah, blah.

She asked if I could come first thing Wednesday morning (I couldn't - I'm scheduled to work, although I'd find a way if it was an emergency). We booked for later on Wednesday and then I asked why the urgency. She said I had a "mass" on my right side. And then we hung up.

"OK, no big deal."

"It's just follow up"

I tried to reassure myself, but wished I'd asked more questions. Or that the robot on the other end had offered more information or the slightest bit of reassurance, which she hadn't.

I stood there, a little rattled and for the last couple hours of my shift I found myself working myself up into a bit of a frenzy. I fought back tears as I thought of "what ifs". By the time 5:30 rolled around I was a bit of a mess and thank God I could come home.

I rushed home, poured myself a glass of wine and cried.

Now I know this could be nothing and is part of the routine...if anything shows up, further testing is required. It doesn't MEAN anything.

I've been through this before...same side, same spot. There was a mass a few years ago and I was closely monitored every couple of months for just over a year. And then, without any explanations as to why, the appointments ended. Nothing was discussed with me and I assumed that no news was good news and whatever they were looking at was nothing.

But now it's back in the picture so I'm wrestling with my thoughts over this.

Was it something then and the ball was eventually dropped and now I'm a couple years in?

Was it nothing and this is another nothing?

Fuck, who needs this shit right now.

It was all I could do to keep from showing my emotion last night. The good thing was that, for Lindsay's party, it had me realize the importance of enjoying those moments with family and we laughed and danced and I focused on nothing but my beautiful family. Usually I'm an anxious flurry of organization...running around, making sure this is hot and that person's got a drink and so on. But I didn't give a fuck. I just wanted to take it all in.

Life is not a given.

What also hit me was something from my past.

Ty and I were having "a moment" once right before we learned that Mom had brain cancer. I was devastated at watching her deteriorate and the struggle she had each day. Even the simplest things were huge obstacles for her and I just felt tired for her and one night I came home exhausted, frustrated and, well, despondent.

Ty had said "well what?....do you wish she was dead?".

And, in that moment of heartache, I answered honestly and off the cuff..."Yes. Sometimes I do". I meant for her sake. To end the struggle.

It was awful for me to say that - immediately afterward I thought "did I really just say that?". But so was watching someone I loved struggle so much on an ongoing basis - life was no longer fun for Mom at that point, it was a chore.

So when my ex was being a douchebag and Lindsay's counsellors were wanting meetings and my boss was sick and needed me to cover on my Friday off (for a double shift) and my cold was getting worse and both toilets broke last week, I mumbled something about "some days I wish I were dead". I'm dramatic like that. A drama queen. It's all just venting and extremely immature.

But now I'm scared. Woops, didn't mean it.

FTR, I also said I wished I'd win the lottery.

Anyhow - I'm trying to be brave and, after talking to some people who have reassured me, feel that this is not a big deal.

But did I ever experience a whirlwind of emotion yesterday. I haven't really slept much in the past 4 days....today it's caught up with me and I feel like I could drop. I look like shit...the bags under my eyes are ridiculous.

My new line of thinking is that God's "punking" me and damn if it isn't enough already. I've had enough.

I'm back to laughing in the face of adversity today. Just try and knock me down...pfft. Good luck with that. I had another of my "dramatic" episodes (again - immature), and I phoned and left a message for the ex (after promising myself that I'm done with him and will NOT treat him like a friend anymore. "Writing him off"). I've been doing really well at avoiding anything confrontational with him and have refused to engage in any arguing. I just won't give him kindling for his fire...but yesterday that all went out the window. I needed a release and he's been so awful to me lately that I decided he'd make a good scapegoat. I left him a message and it gave ME a chance to lash out. It wasn't the right thing to do, but it sure felt right at the time. Hey, I'm only human.

I vented in his direction and told him "if I didn't get the fucking money he owed me that all hell would break loose" (whatever that means? LOL even). That I'm a damn good mother and he wasn't going to convince me otherwise. That he needs to get his lame ass act together quick or I'm done communicating with him.

Two seconds later the phone rang (it was him). Boy, that got action.

Sometimes I feel like my life's a bad soap opera that I can't get out of. But the stubborn mule in me refuses to give in to the stress and I'm rebelling today. The sun is shining and I'm saying screw the housework (again) and am heading off for a walk before work (yes - to my "spot").

If anyone needs me, I'll be at my rock. But don't call if the news is bad (please). I'm too busy trying to enjoy life to care.

:P

Hi guys!

Has it been a week again? Geesh, how time flies, eh?

I've been wrapped up in a lot of stuff here and, when it comes to my kids....priorities.

Linds is in a bit of a funk and hasn't been to school in a while...it's obviously a growing concern. Thankfully, her teachers/counsellors are all over it and working with her vs. against her (like her old school used to do when she had these episodes). They're using kindness, patience & understanding and, hopefully, things will get back on track soon. I am eternally grateful for the time and effort that these people have put in to my daughter...they see the potential in her and refuse to give up. I wish every school had staff like this.

It doesn't help that her father's flaking a bit lately and using all the wrong tactics in getting her to communicate...he can be a bully at times (trust me, I know). He's decided that I've failed as a mother and that's why our daughter doesn't want to go to school. It's income tax time and he needs someone to vent on because you can't go beat up Revenue Canada. He still directs all his anger at me and I'm very much aware of that. I'm over it already and it reminds me of why I'm on my own. Now I can simply screen calls. :)

The fact that he does this really does piss me off deep down though. I'm the one here on a daily basis, putting the blood, sweat and tears in with her. I'm the one picking her up at night (and when she falls down). I meet with the school and keep them in the loop of what's happening. And he's playing "you never call me games" with her. He's skiing on the weekends and spending sunny days at the beach with his dog while I'm busting my tail. He normally comes to see her once a week, for 3-4 hours. But that's been sliding lately and he hasn't shown for a couple of Sundays in a row. He sometimes manages to undo all that I'm doing with her and knocks her self esteem to the floor without even knowing it. It's her birthday today and yesterday's mix up with him meant that she spent the day in tears instead of with him. He's usually better than this and I'm really disappointed in his behavior right now. What timing.

The school staff thinks Linds is "afraid" of moving on next year (she's finished here in June)...they said it's common for the kids to do this - to start sabotaging things in order to stay on. I'm pretty sure that's the gist of it - although she doesn't like to talk much, she has expressed concern about what next year holds for her.

Being a parent isn't easy, is it? You fumble your way through and some days are just all about "what the fuck do I do now?". I'm having a few of those lately and that explains my MIA status. Anyhow, we'll work through it but, in the meantime, I'm not making the rounds here lately, as my time is being spent trying to support this kid through her "stuff". Hope you're all well and I hope to be back soon.

* * * * * * * * * *

Happy birthday, to the most beautiful, kind, creative, compassionate daughter to ever make a mother proud. As we watched those home movies the other day, I was reminded of an easier time - a time before death and heartache arrived on our doorstep. There you were - 4 years old, singing "Ironic". Isn't it?

What makes you so special also creates pain and turmoil in you. But they just don't "get" you and, as I told you when you were young - what makes you stand alone now will also make you stand out later on. You ARE different - for all the right reasons and don't ever change. There is no cookie cutter for you - you were hand crafted and a masterpiece. Everything that is good in just the right proportion. You can make others laugh, just by being you. You see beauty in the ugliest of places. You care, too much for your own good at times. You have talent and creativity that are immeasurable. And I feel honored to know you, let alone have the distinction of being your mother.

Today will be a happy day...I'm devoted to making it so. You deserve the moon and stars - unfortunately, I can only give you love. Well, ok, and presents.

Happy birthday Linds. All the love & happiness in the world sent your way. I only hope that, in a time of gray uncertainty, you find reason to smile. Today and all days.

Love you babe,
Mom.

xoxoxoxox

Deb's going crazy again...scattered, fragmented, ADD, can't focus, all over the map crazy again. No posts with any meaning. Nothing but bits & pieces.

So here's a song.

No, wait, there isn't a song here because YouTube won't allow me to embed it (a big up yours to YouTube). I did try my friends.

My kids introduced me to these guys some time ago (which is usually how it happens now). And oh, how I love them. The Black Keys that is. Well AND my kids (obviously). You should too. The Black Keys that is. I give up....anyways, you get the point! It's one of those days today.

Anyhow, go here and enjoy. (And, may I suggest that you check out other songs as well while you're there. Although this is my favorite at the moment, they really have some other great tunes. A Zeppelin meets Hendrix meets Ten Years After with a little White Stripes thrown in for good measure feel for me.)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Here's a bit about the boys, as stolen from someone else's blog (that's legal, right?). Anyhow, thanks to Nate's Triple Threat:

"This weeks spotlight is not on one great, underrated musician, but two, who call themselves The Black Keys. The name has a double meaning. The first is an inside joke - an artist friend would refer to them, and others that "just aren't right" as "black keys." The second refers to the black keys of a piano, which make up the pentatonic minor scale often used within blues songs. Both meanings fit the band perfectly as they're music is a bit different from the mainstream, but has a great raw blues foundation that makes them one of the best new bands in the last five years.

Dan Auerbach (left) and Patrick Carney went to the same high school in Akron, Ohio, although they ran in completely different crowds. They didn't get together until Dan booked time in Patrick's basement studio with his band. Nobody but Dan showed up, so the two decided to take the time to jam together and they found that their different backgrounds and styles melded together to create a sound they both loved. Dan grew up listening to blues music and learned to play to guitar with help from his uncle, a guitarist in a bluegrass band. Patrick also came from a musical family (his father Ralph played saxophone for Tom Waits), but is completely self taught on the drums. This gives a very unique and unconventional style to his drumming.

The two get to work and using Patrick's basement studio, record their first album The Big Come Up. By recording and engineering the album themselves, they're able to keep the grittiness of their music intact. This helps give momentum to the whole Lo-Fi movement that they quickly find themselves at the forefront of.

Stay tuned as The Black Keys show what hard work and perseverance can do to a music career."

UGH...this is SO stupid.

So I see that when you save a post as a draft and finish it off at a later date, when you eventually do post it it becomes buried on the date that you'd started it!

I actually DID respond to a tag by Barbara B and it's about 3 posts down ("Sexiext Men in Music"). I haven't completed it so, when I do, I'll probably move the whole thing to the top. For now, you can see my top 3 below.

ARGH*@%#f*&$?@%!!!

Warning - this is a poker rant. If you don't understand poker, you probably will take nothing away from this, other than Deb's a foul mouthed lunatic who should be locked up (we already know that, don't we?). So scroll past this tirade to a happier place and the pictures at the bottom. :)

* * * * *

Today I got involved in a poker tournament with 2700 registrants. Why? Because I'm crazy Because I have too much time on my hands (yeah, o.k.?).

It started before noon and 4 1/2 hours in, we were down to the nitty gritty stage. There were 67 people left, 27 of whom would be paid - me being one of them.

I was playing well - what I call tight aggressive. I'd accumulated about 40,000 chips and had worked my way up into the top 20. Then the shit hit the fan.

A guy at my table had 100,000 chips and was a total (mf'ing) chip bully. I hate chip bullies, unless they're me. :)

Each time someone would bet/raise, he'd come over the top to reraise, forcing the person to fold or, in some cases, push all in. He was doing that with diddly squat in his hand - just because he could. I do that too, just not every hand. It gets predictable and eventually you will get caught, as people just bide their time until they have a hand and then pounce.

Anyhow, it was my turn on the big blind and I was dealt A/10 offsuit - a fairly decent hand. The guy after me called the blind, then asshat (chip bully) did his usual stupid raise and quadrupled the blind. No problem, I called him, as did the guy after me.

The flop then came:

JACK JACK TEN

I now had two pair with the ace kicker. Again, decent hand. I was obviously scared of the Jack but, three handed, felt I had to go for it and at least test the waters with a bet.

I put out a fair size bet and, again, guy after me called. Then it was asshat's turn and he pushed me all in. Predictable. I pondered things for a minute...I don't like to be bullied or pushed into a corner. I also don't like to risk it all at this point - his massive chip stack meant I'd be out if he luck sucked out (like he'd been doing). Then again, he'd been bluffing his way through and stealing people's chips. Usually I fold in this situation but, having had enough of douchebag, I called the all in.

And wouldn't you know it?....fuckbeans had the jack - jack/nine off suit!! He made the trips and knocked me out.

First of all, that's poker...it doesn't usually upset me to be knocked out because it's part of the deal. I don't play scared and, in order to be successful, you have to take chances that sometimes involve risking it all. Had I beat him, I would've been chip leader and probably secured my spot in the money. So losing doesn't really upset me - it's often down to the luck of the draw. And you just can't try and "hold on" until the money...you'll be blinded out. You just have to be willing to play your hand.

What did upset me was the knowledge that this clown had raised my big blind with shit, as he'd done every hand. I hate idiots who play like this...it's just not good poker. Sure, once in a awhile you make a hand out of nothing and bluff bet, but EVERY FUCKING HAND?? It's annoying and the penalty should be death. Period.

I wanted to drive over this guy with a forklift.

So that ended the day - I'd blown off hours trying to get into the money and just like that it was over and the day was wasted.

Anyhow, all was not lost. I decided since it was too late for housework (you don't know the rule?...you can't start past 4) I'd head to my happy place at Garry Point. Yes, my rock - the place I always run to when life is sucking. And it was very pleasant...the cobwebs cleared and the silence up there was extremely calming (I actually taped the quiet...when I figure out how to post video, I'll put up the award winning film footage for you). For now, here are some pics....

I have two other posts on the go (one's finally in answer to the tag Barb).

But, until then, this is my new girlfriend. It's a catchy little diddy (sp?). Ditty? Dieghtty?

I also like this one (even more).

Because the world needs another jagged little pill. It's high time.

MY SEXY MEN:

Oh dear...now that the fog is lifting I seem to recall a tag by Barbara B way back when skinny jeans were in. So now here it is...my top 10 (? - was it 10?) sexiest male musicians:

THE TOP 3 ALLTIME (who get special attention because they deserve it):

1) Eddie Vedder: Maybe it's flashbacks from the ex, but there's something very endearing about a guy with a bottle in his hand and slurry speech, who's been known to swing from the rafters to me. Eddie's just plain cute and the more he screws up the lyrics, the better I like him. He's my all time #1 and I've been stalking him for years now. And, yes, I've had the privelege of having him take a bottle and pass it 'round (back in '91) and it was the best damn germ infested swig I've ever had. Eddie's spot in my heart is now forever etched there as, over the years and like fine wine, he's only grown better. Eddie Vedder's where it's at for me.

2) Matthew Good: Call him an asshole (another quality that seems to work for me...again, refer to my ex) - I think he's God. I'm pretty sure that this man's songs were written specifically for me and what's happening in my life at any particular time. I'm not going to be clever or insightful here - I just love the guy. He's strong yet extremely vulnerable, he's got a brilliant mind and his music's not too bad either. Again, Matthew only gets better over time and his current music is by far his best (and my favorite). He's also humble enough to be accessible to his fans via his website, which gives looney tunes like me a chance to interact with him. But his website isn't just for ogling, he has some powerful stuff to say on geopolitics and the state of the world in general. That's just added 100 bonus points. Matthew Good should be on everyone's "list".

3) David Usher: I've followed David since his days with the band "Moist" and it's been an ongoing lovefest ever since. I love his energy, his smile and, most of all, his voice. I'd waited since the early 90's to see David live and finally got the opportunity this year...let me tell you, it was well worth the wait. He hasn't slowed down a bit and he blew me away with both his enthusiasm for performing live and his ability to belt out songs from the past like they were fresh and new. His new stuff is also incredible and so is he. David Usher kicks some serious ass in the sexy man department. I'm using this clip because I was there...about two feet to David's left (the picture was taken by me). He came off the stage and climbed up on the fence/barricade, held some girl's hand for balance and did the song out in the crowd, with all us crazies. It was amazing and seeing his gorgeous smile, up close, sealed the deal for me.

As I have to get ready for work now, I'll leave you with the "Top 3".

TO BE CONT'D.......

Oh Hai

I thank you, my dear friends, for helping me through "my moment". It truly means a lot that you crazies die hards have hung in there even though my blog is sometimes as much fun as vacuuming stairs. You're troopers and I'm happy to report that the meds have kicked in.

Anyhow, shortly after I posted, my internet died and I'd been without it ever since. Two days. Two. Whole. Days. I don't know about you, but when the internet dies here it takes a little piece of me with it. Namely, my sanity.

Ty and I were hilarious last night...we moped around like our dog was missing. TV offered nothing in the way of consoling us with anything entertaining. The choice - Priscilla Press Face Presley dancing like a buffalo or Paula's love fest over at Idol. You know TV's bad when I think about cleaning the toilet.

One thing I did have fun playing around with was IMovie. Although I couldn't access anything on the internet and I was limited to using music and my pictures, I came up with a funny little video to the Beastie Boys "Brass Monkey". The kids did get awfully tired of hearing me sing it over & over mind you (it's catchy).

So in other news I've decided that I'm 92 instead of 40 something and my new pastime is BINGO. Hell yeah...Ty and I have gone 3 times now. Last Thursday I won $800 (half a $1575 jackpot) and all the other old biddies were fit to be tied because a rookie (me) wasn't supposed to just waltz in and win the progressive pot. They hated on me all night after that and I seriously thought they might mug me in the parking lot - they were that pissed. They grumbled as they passed my chair and it didn't help my case that I didn't have a clue what I was doing either. At one point during the game Ty leaned over and said "Mom, what'r ya doing?....you're missing all the numbers". I was sick and in lala land and apparently staring at the wall just wasn't getting the job done. I'd missed about 4 numbers in a row (imagine that), so I then had to frantically try and catch up - when I did I saw that I only needed two more numbers. There were two numbers left to be called before the big, progressive pot turned into a hundred bucker so I really didn't think I'd do it. So, needless to say, it was pretty damn exciting when I did. Bingo has just moved from the lame category into my new love. I'm pro and those other seniors are just trying too damn hard. I didn't even care and I won so I think I should give them lessons on "chill out". Apparently the jackpot had been building since 1937 and the Grandmas all had plans for it (Depends and teabags) so it was a very unpopular win. Is it disrespectful to say "bite me" to 4 foot ladies with white hair and no hearing? I think not.

Anyhow, the other news around here is the firing of our GM - Dave Nonis. I don't think they gave him a fair shake and am quite disappointed about the deal, as I think, despite our crap season, that he had some good ideas and was no pushover. I actually got the inside scoop and knew about his firing before it broke on the news. An old friend dropped by to see me at work and he told me before noon....turns out another friend's sister has married Aquilini. I told friend A to tell friend B that I need to pass along some advice. They need my help.

So hope you're all o.k. I'm in much better spirits...things seem to be turning around a bit and I feel more positive than I have in years. I might even spring clean. Don't quote me on that though.

Has it really been a year?

I questioned my need to do this here, to spill it. To tell it. But, for whatever reason, I want it recorded. I go back in the archives here and it's important to me to have it written down. For me.

You were always proud of my "writing it down"...my poems. My thoughts. You carried that damn submission I made to the Mother's Day newspaper contest around in your purse and showed it to everyone. Whether they wanted to see it or not (most didn't Mom). But you did.

How fitting that "your story" will be published as part of the Canuck's story....damn, you would've loved that. When that writer approached me and asked if I'd share it, I immediately felt you there. I'll carry it in my purse for you.

I want you to know that I hate curling again. Sorry Mom, can't do it without you. Why the fuck anyone would call sweeping while a bunch of assholes yell at you to do it harder "sport" is beyond me. Slavery, that's what I call it. It's why I'm separated, remember? Anyhow, you made me like it but it's a done deal now. No more. I'm back to being irritated by it.

Tennis? How fitting that Andres left shortly before you did. Don't have the same enthusiasm for that one either.

The Canucks sucked this year. Just for you. If you're not here, apparently they're not either. Meh, who cares (I do, you taught me not to lie).

Trevor's packing it in...even he doesn't want to do it anymore. See the impact you have?

I drive by garage sales now and I'm sorry to report that zillions of stuffed animals will remain homeless. No Mom, I'm not bringing them home. But I think of you every single time.

The flowers that I got were your favorites - carnations. They didn't know, but I'll never forget. I'm taking one to the river today, to throw it to you. For Christ sake, be careful...remember, you almost drowned there.

We've been watching home movies and laughing...but it's not as loud without you. You would've laughed hardest of all.

Linds and I especially liked a recent one - David ate all the pie and you called him an idiot for doing so. Call 'em as you see 'em. He really should've saved you a piece.

Ty couldn't watch (yet). He'll always be "your boy".

You told Linds she could have anything she wanted. Apparently not.

Dad's out gardening today. He pretends he's o.k. I know the real deal (and so do you)...you were his world and the first "gardening" that he did today was pick a bouquet for you. Yes, he did dig up more of the yard. And don't pretend you don't love it. ;)

You'd be proud of David. You always were though.

He just stopped by and it's hitting him hard. After he left here he phoned me to say that before he arrived on my doorstep he'd put on some random music and when this came on he lost it. (I knew, he was still wiping tears away). I told him what that song had meant to me - I'd never told him before. That, when he was down and out and we were losing him to the drugs that I'd put it on one day as I wept at my rock. I'd replayed it over and over and had then visited you for comfort. That it would always be the song about you and him for me. And that I lose it everytime. He had no idea. I asked him if he remembered that it came on during our ride back from the funeral home that day - he said he didn't. I'd quietly cried in the back seat as we rolled along the highway and I grieved for you. I also thanked God that I still had him. How fitting that it played for him today...it's exactly what you would've said to him.

I miss you Mom. I'm not o.k. but I have to be. I'm strong, like you, but inside I'm dying a little piece at a time. It's just not much fun anymore.

Anyhow, this one's for you...you loved this one.

xo

Hey guys, just wanted you to know that I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, I'm just sick as a dog right now and completely wiped. Will be back when I'm feeling a little better.

I blame the Canucks and their early departure from the season...it all started then.

Anyhow, promise to post something soon (when I have the energy).

Take care.

Goodbye My Friend

Tonight I bawled my eyes out as, what I'd tried to deny and ignore became a real probability. My hero, Trevor Linden, has played his last game. I'll post more about him tomorrow, when I have the will to type.

Excuse me while I go find a bridge to jump off.

I swear I'm bipolar. I know I am. It is a problem and I am a fool to think that I can manage it on my own, but I do.

So I'm in one of the highs and life is good (since yesterday) periods. Honestly I can feel, on a daily basis, my mood shifting from extreme depression and hopelessness to complete elation over the simplest of things (like unclogging a clogged drain). Who else cries over shit like this? First, because I'm defeated and have tried everything and then when I am successful in fixing the problem, as I shed tears of joy. Fucking ridiculous. Pansy ass girl.

Here's what I realize though....there's much more to it than just backed up drains and plumbing problems. Although, for the most part, I'm a strong, independent (and relatively happy) woman, when things go wrong around the place that would be considered "men's work", it hits me over the head like a lead balloon at times. A real "wow, I'm all alone in this big world" kind of thing. That I may be alone forever at this point. I've given up on a relationship and, at my age, that's scary. But my relationship did that...scarred me for life and made it impossible for me to move on. To trust or feel safe. I have so much to offer, but I just can't move on. Some days the reality of it all is just too much....it blindsides me and I feel very scared and alone. (And then a hockey game comes on and I get over it and it's all good again). But, in those moments, I feel very small and vulnerable.

Being a single mother is a very big responsibility...if it were just my own happiness at stake, it'd be easy. It takes very little to keep me happy and I'm a simple person really. But it's so much more complex when you have others who depend on you or, as they grow older, at least need you to be strong and stable. Some days I don't feel that way.

I don't take anything for granted lately...when you've experienced a lot of trauma, death, and devastation, that happens. You become very thankful for the little things - things as basic as having a place to wash your face. Seriously. I've actually thought (lately), "it could be worse....I could be homeless". How's that for living? I try and put things in perspective when I'm feeling sorry for myself...there's always something worse and we've got to take comfort in what we do have instead of focusing on what we don't. But some days the don'ts just keep steamrolling me and I have to crumple up into a ball and rock myself to sleep. Luckily, I don't have many of those. But this week's been a doozie.

I just wish that life were easier at times...that I could go on a vacation and let the waves wash up over my feet as I lay in the warm sand. That I'd have a string of "good" days that would keep the faith rolling, keep me in the positive. Every time I think "o.k., this is it" and that I have to think myself into a good life and that my state of mind is up to me - something happens in the "wtf" department and it's all just too much. It kicks me back down and I take one step forward, only to be knocked on my ass.

What a roller coaster ride this life is. I didn't sleep last night....long story involving Linds. She was having a rough time and we worked through it together...we watched the fucking Food Network all night. She says I fell asleep at 5 - I know that she was up until 6. so tell me how that happens? Anyhow, my kids are everything to me and, in a roundabout way, that's what this post is about.

I'm over it now. It's all good (except my God damned hockey team).

Oh, and speaking of hockey (were we?....bear with me, it's that time of year)...happy (belated) 80th birthday to Gordie Howe. I had a special post all done up but had my head under a sink and just never got it done. It's the jumbled, messed up thought that counts, right?