I'm Tired Of Walking Around With My Hand On My Gun

Wow, this is the longest I've been away from blogging....bet you thought I'd been hit by a truck? Although I have enjoyed just flitting around, commenting all over the face of the earth.

Quite frankly I'm tired. Not physically, just emotionally...the whole Mom deal, you know. Add bed sores to her list of ailments and life isn't pretty over there. It's ripping me to shreds so after my visit this morning I took the entire day and walked all around the old neighbourhood. I grew up in Steveston, a two minute walk away from Mom & Dad's current house. As a matter of fact, when we moved we carried stuff to the new place. I remember walking over with an end table???

So I did a lot of soul searching, a little crying and mostly just reflected on life with Mom (& Dad). Mom is everything Steveston...she'd lived there since the 40's and I can't step anywhere near the place without it just flooding me with thoughts of her. She knew everyone in town. Had stories of every street corner, I swear.

Enough of that though. I have to be able to put things behind me when I leave the hospice, and I'm trying. So this is what my walk looked like (it was awesome - pretty soon I'll be able to get back to riding...today was way too windy):

(Click on this pic to see the larger version...it's much cooler)I love this new house that was recently built. Not much of a yard, but all of the pictures with the geese in them ARE basically the back yard...this is the view from their balconies. (And, upon closer inspection - the bottle of wine/two wine glasses in the top/left balcony really sold me on the place).




Mount Baker, USA (again). I just think it's so cool that we can see this baby like it's right next door. I visited my throne today (felt good).
Another crazy kiter. It was so windy that he was totally out of control a few times. I actually thought he was going to take out a few people, so I stood by with my camera (being the good, concerned citizen that I am).

Thursdays Are For The Gifted...

Barb, we've got to go CD shopping with this guy.....



(And please, for more talent, scroll down to the next video. We're on a roll here.)

This guy's amazing.....



His name is Andy McKee and he's pretty phenomenal as far as I'm concerned.

Testing 1, 2, 3....

Thanks Mel/Al...you rock. AND NOW I DO TOO!!!

(Talk about your highs and lows here).

This is one of my all time favorite MG songs. When he played it live (which, apparently, he rarely does), I almost cried. O.K., I DID cry (wimp).

Here goes nothing:

Matt Good-Born To Kill

(Please, tell me that it worked?!)

This is going to be a tough one and I don't even know why I'm going to post this. But I am.

Mom & Dad had an agreement that, when they pass, neither one wants a service. The reasons are their own and, quite honestly, I'm glad. Although I feel very strongly that when the time comes we should celebrate their lives, I also have mixed feelings about the whole thing.

I've always found it strange when people close the casket then go to a room next door for sandwiches and refreshments. I find it awkward - the back slappin', "how you doin" small talk that seems to be part of every service I attend. Maybe I'm the weirdo, I don't know. I just don't feel like talking about new shoes when I've just viewed Uncle Bob. I need time to reflect, to make peace, to cry. Devilled egg just doesn't help me with that.

So it's been decided...a small gathering of us will meet at Garry Point (my favorite spot....the one in the pictures in the previous post) and do something very private. This is the park that my grandfather used to frequent every evening. Funny, I used to bump into him there a lot - it was like our little secret. Mom & Dad will have a bench dedicated to them there, like the one pictured.

Dad fished in the river here and, when Mom was paralyzed and too scared to stay home alone, he'd take her with him on the little herring skiff. It was a nightmare...he worked his ass off. She had a lawnchair and they'd stay up all night - him running back and forth between tending to the net, steering the boat and catering to Mom's needs. One reason I'm a little anti Greenpeace is that they confronted my parents and nearly swamped them one night (intentionally). They were protesting the fisherman's killing of the seals - my Dad wasn't involved in that. He was just trying to make a living and, despite the fact that he informed them that he had his handicapped wife on board with him (just the two of them), they became very aggressive and confrontational anyways. They weren't the "civilized" kind of protesters - they were the radicals you see who often care little about the cause but are just out to raise shit. Scared the hell out of Mom. Well, here I am, sidetracked already. But being at this spot floods my memory with things.

Mom came very close to drowning here when she was young. She learned to float on her back about two miles up river when the current got ahold of her. It carried her down the river, past the canneries and she was all but gone until a worker on the dock jumped in and got her to shore. It all happened over the span of a couple of miles that's right along my biking route - I'll take pictures sometime. Miraculous that she survived. And she never dared to swim after that. Ever.

So back to my original topic, of how the family will react when they learn of "no service". I know this seems selfish and petty, but it's important to us that we do things as we always have...on our own. And, in all honesty, nobody in the family gave a flying fuck when we were down and out. Noone bothered with Mom for the past 20 years when she was paralyzed - her sister drove past the house a couple of times a week on her way out for lunch, yet she never offered to take Mom along. Too much work, lugging the wheelchair out and helping her with simple tasks. Her brother's a fucking big shot in Calgary who hasn't bothered at all. Although he comes out here, she's not on his to do list anymore. Since Dad stopped giving him freebies. I know I sound bitter...I am. I've accepted that people don't know how to deal with Mom's situation, but they might've at least tried. I didn't know how to deal with it either...but I've winged it as I've gone along. And it's been a lonely journey...some moral support (mostly for Mom's sake) would've been nice. But, people are busy - you know.

So I know they'll all be shocked when the time comes. They'll flock here with the intention of gathering to grieve and basically bullshit about how much they cared. Reality is, I can count on one hand the people that showed they cared. And they'll be at that private little service that we do.

I guess this is making me a bitter, angry person, I feel it. Mom's near the end...each night rips my heart out. Tonight was a doozie. Actually, every night is. She hasn't eaten in days. She's hallucinating and making little to no sense. And we got the bomb dropped this afternoon...Dad's in more trouble than we thought. His aneurysm has bulged beyond the danger zone and tomorrow he goes in to get the ball rolling on things...more surgery. It's the 50/50 kind...I know it all too well. Mom had it twenty years ago and it's what caused her stroke and subsequent paralysis.

And how are you supposed to react when your dying mother says "will you come with me when I die? I'm scared". I'm fucking mad at the world tonight. May as well call this Deb's depression blog of shit because that's what it is. But, in just typing the words it releases it and I can start to let it to. For tonight. Watching someone slowly, painfully die is about the worst thing that could happen. Especially when there's nothing you can do to help them. This is a roller coaster ride and I'm sorry to subject you all to it. I try each day to do things to pull out of it, but sometimes it just consumes me. This would be one of those times.

Fuck I've had a shitty day.

A glass of wine is calling me.

My Walk Today (It was gorgeous out)

There are even more pics, but they require some description (which I'm too damn tired for tonight). All that fresh air, ya' know? I even got a bit of a sunburn, despite the fact that it was 5:00...it was a beautiful day today and really lifted my spirits. I spent far too long at my favorite spot. But I needed it. I'll finish this tomorrow when I can fill you in on the details. Good night all.












This last one was taken out my living room window...I heard a big commotion and it was a bunch of school kids on a field trip (invading the neighbourhood). They were having fun in the sun...who can blame them?

Matt Good had this up on his blog...it stirred up so much anger in me that I had to post it here. These heartless fucks need to be dragged behind their vehicle.....how they can get enjoyment and laugh like morons at these children???...makes me ashamed to be part of this world. I could cry at this...that boy ran his little heart out. Mindless fucks...they sound wasted. Aren't you proud of the troops when they act like asses? (pardon my language...times like this I think it's justified).

Dad's Garden

Dad's passion in life (besides golfing) is gardening. He takes great pride in both his flowers (front) and his fruits/veggies (in the back). It's a lot of work and he even pulls/replants his bulbs each year...he says it's the only way. People out for their evening walk often stop to admire his calla lillies...they're his pride and joy.

Mr. Wrong

Today the young guy that seems to be hitting on me at work was there before I even arrived. It was kind of unsettling and I basically ignored him as I have things to do before I open that require some concentration. After he ignored the fact that I was ignoring him, he struck up a conversation. And, let me tell you, for someone trying to get me to go out with him, this was not selling his case. Our conversation:

He: Hi, you've been away? I haven't seen you around much.

Me: Yes, I had a few days off. So, are you off work today?

He: No, I'm not working anymore.

Me: Why not, what happened?

He: I quit. They wanted me to work too hard.

Me: Oh, so what's your plan now?

He: I don't know.

Me: It's a gorgeous day...what are you up to today? (I realize that, by being nice, he probably reads that as interest on my part and it's not doing a good job of discouraging him....I just have a hard time being mean).

He: Nothing, I'm not feeling well.

Me: Sorry to hear that. Hope it's nothing serious...

He: No, I just had a bad weekend. I drank too much ("all weekend"). Now I don't feel like doing anything. But maybe if it stays nice like this you'll come out for a walk with me?

Me: I'm sorry, I can't.

He: Well the weather's getting nicer, maybe we'll go another time.

I'm sorry, but I'm not jumping at the chance to go out with an unemployed alcoholic who doesn't like hard work. I may have already done something like that before. It wasn't fun.

I'm off to cut Dad's grass while he's at the hospice...should be a nice surprise for him. He said he was going to try and get it done this evening so I'm going to beat him to it and let him just relax when he gets home. Back later cowpokes.

I stayed up way too late (again) last night and this is the culprit...Cranium. Yes, it looks like a child's game. But we are childish & immature "young at heart" in this family and are game for pretty much anything. That includes trying to stand up from a lying down position with a dice on your forehead. And playing sculpting with playdoh clay (why did we trust Ty to this and willingly place clay in his hands?...he immediately sculpted things that only a man could be proud of). One of the tasks involves drawing with your eyes closed and having your partner guess what you've drawn. This was Ty's creation, that I guessed to be an x-ray of a turd with dental floss in it. The answer was "leash" and that, my friends, is the world's ugliest dog. After the crappy art link, I think we're on a roll here.

The Giants game was fun, but a bust. Our goaltender was awful (again) and let in a couple of really weak goals. But the penalties killed us...I think they were about 106 to their 1. Apparently the ref was on crack and had stapled his eyes shut. And the linesman's little pat on the ass of one of the Bruin's player was a dead giveaway that we were going to lose because they had man crushes on each other. Yes, I'm a sore loser.

We had excellent seats and I should've taken my camera. Each time a guy got flattened into the boards (which was often), we could see up his nostrils. Flying pucks were a concern though. As were those annoying as hell Chilliwack fans who kicked the backs of our seats and screamed in our ears all night. Hillbillies. ("Fuck the cowbell, Ty, hand me my gun......").

Well I'm off to more hockey...Brandon's been called up to a rep team for their playoffs and the final game's in an hour.
HOCKEY IS MY LIFE. I am a such a loser.

Mac vs PC

Ty & I are in the ongoing battle that is Mac vs PC....he owns a PC, me a Mac. So, to settle things up, he directed me here. Dude is hilarious as far as I'm concerned. You MUST make sure to go here too (don't forget the Crappy Art 2 at the bottom of the page)...I'm easily amused - I laughed so hard my side literally hurt.
(This is the baby I own)

Macs rule.

O.K., we're in. This big man scrum after the OT win last night convinced me that I need to go be part of the action. It's the sea of white tonight baby. Mr. Hockey, move over.... Deb's coming to help with the win.

Catch you cats later. Behave (that means you tc, you little lush you).

Happy Sunday Saturday!

Don't ya' love it when you wake up thinking it's the LAST day of the weekend but you really have two more days of workless bliss? That happened to me this morning....wahoo. I'm gonna' party like it's 1999!

We're most likely going to the Giants game tonight...I was SO pissed at the (local) Shaw cable's decision to play the Calgary/Kootenay game but NOT the Giants game (which was super exciting and went down to the wire). I emailed them to let them know that their scheduling sucks. Anyhow, the "W" for us.

We'll see how I'm feeling later before I buy tickets...these frickin' pills I'm on aren't agreeing with me. Or maybe it was the glass of wine I had yesterday...I'm such a wuss now. I used to be able to drink the guys under the table...had a super high tolerance and alcohol barely affected me. Now, not so much. Two glasses and I'm down for the count.

The countdown is on....exactly a month until Damien Rice. We're so excited - Linds found some clips from a previous concert of his that gave us a nice preview of what to expect. I thought he was so moody/serious/dark, but it turns out not so much. In the middle of one of his songs he breaks into a Prince tune and orders everyone up to dance. Now I'll be participating fully in something like that. I love when the performers interact with the crowd and don't just rattle off their songs and then leave. I'm pumped (yes Barb, it was so good I stole it).

We're also going to watch Fiona perform next week. She's studying music at Kwantlen and it'll be the first show we've made it to....the other two performances were both in the middle of blizzards. I'm really excited to finally see her doing what she does best - which is sing. She's got the voice of an angel and we're so proud of her.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Finally:

"How many NHL execs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. But it'll take him 301 days to do it."That's the intro to the book I'm reading - I'll give you a full report when I'm done. It'll probably take me that long to read it...so many interruptions.

Have a great Friday SATURDAY, yeah, that's it. What planet we on?

Mel just tagged me, so here goes:

A- Available or Single? – Depends who's asking

B- Best Friends? – DD

C- Cake or Pie? – Pie, just not the crust (I know, weirdo)

D- Drink of Choice? – Water (boring)

E- Essential Item? – My computer (which includes all of my music)

F- Favourite Colour? – Pink (especially with black...sorry Alana!)

G- Gummi Bears or Worms? – I don't eat bears or worms

H- Hometown? – Richmond, BC

I- Indulgence? – Full body massage - head to toe

J- January or February? - January

K- Kids and Names? – Linds & Ty

L- Life is incomplete without? - Laughter

M- Marriage Date? – No comprende

N- Number of Siblings? – Brother David

O- Oranges or Apples? - Oranges

P- Phobias/Fears? – Cancer

Q- Favourite Quote? - I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not. Overused, but rings so true for me (tc's favorite - Kurt Cobain)

R- Reasons to smile? - My family & Charlie's visits

S- Season? – Summer (nights!)

T- Tag 3 People? – Kelly, lala, & Gleds....have fun!

U- Unknown Fact About Me? – I can wiggle my ears

V- Vegetable You Hate? – honestly, none

W- Worst Habit? – Road rage

X- X-rays You've Had? – Hand

Y- Your Favourite Foods? – Gyros, lasagne & anything with garlic & mushrooms in it

Z- Zodiac? – Libra

My First Ever Friday Random Ten!!

1) Sometimes - Candlebox
2) Popular - Nada Surf
3) The Noose - A Perfect Circle
4) We’re So Heavy - Matt Good
5) Something I Can Never Have - NIN
6) I’ve Got A Feeling - Pearl Jam
7) Toes Across The Floor - Blind Melon
8) C’mon Billy - PJ Harvey
9) Babylon Feeling - Everlast
10) Animals - Pink Floyd (yes, the entire thing...I downloaded the album so that's how it plays...suits me just fine)

And It Makes Me Wonder.....

Can you sneeze without closing your eyes? (no)

The fastest falling rainfall?....clocked at 18 mph.

The first item to be scanned by a barcode?........(Wrigley's chewing gum)

Giraffes have the same number of vertebrae in their necks as humans!

Porcupines float in water.

You will not find a clock in a Las Vegas casino.

The original use for a tablecloth was to transport food and was also used as the "napkin" to clean face/hands as people ate. (And, ew, the "leftovers" were then wrapped in the same cloth for further transport).

Lightning is hotter than the surface of the sun.

Lipstick contains fish scales.

You can't fold a dry, square piece of paper in half more than 7 times (I'll be trying this one).

to be cont'd.....

And some days, when you really need to work things through, you just have to throw on some Social D and pedal your ass off on your bike.

I guess I'm a bit of a punk girl at heart. This was my brother in law's band - he was the lead singer. They were part of the Vancouver punk scene and are included here.

We went to see this movie tonight and, while it won't be winning any Academy Awards, it was just what the doctor ordered - a nice, light, mindless film with no complicated plot to follow. It made me laugh and that's pretty much all I was looking for. And John Travolta can do no wrong by me...ever since I saw him in "Michael" I've been totally sold on him. The whole cast was great.

But the real story here is my friend Vince, the father of Lindsay's friend, "Fifi" (as we call her). He and Fif met us at the show and I was really happy to see him. I went to school with his wife Jackie and they're just the nicest couple you could meet. Unbelievable people. Fifi is not their biological daughter - she was a foster child. They took her in as a baby who (I believe) had been the victim of prenatal alcoholism and was paralyzed from the waist down. They've had her 15 years and had to face the very real possibility of losing her a few years ago, as her mother re-entered the picture. It was completely devastating to them - she was "their daughter" and they'd raised her as their own. But the woman quickly realized she wasn't up for the task and that Fifi was better off where she was - she had the best home imagineable and was thriving there. So she backed away.

Fif is not the only child that these two have taken in under their wing. Their door has always been open and they tend to take in the babies/children that are impossible to place - the kids with severe disabilities that require round the clock care. At the moment they have a baby girl, "Angel" who is on feeding apparatus and needs constant supervision. She's been with them for well over a year (or two) and is sick a great deal of the time. But Jackie and Vince have patience beyond anything I've seen and are a team who work together like a well oiled machine...they take "shifts" and both care equally for the kids. Jackie naps in the afternoon so she can handle the nights. They bought a bigger (beautiful) home to accomodate all their "children". They had a boy in their care awhile back who was very deeply troubled - he was wild. He'd obviously had a very traumatic little life up until then and they got him knowing this - knowing he'd be a real challenge. They tried desperately to help Ozzy (yes, his name), but he was posing a serious threat to Angel and his behavior was extremely dangerous at times. So Jackie's sister took him - she had no other children in the home and could focus all of her attention on him (which he needed).

I've known Jackie since high school and she's always been a doll. What I never knew was that she got pregnant back in highschool and had a child very young. She married, divorced and met Vince later on in life. And, after her biological daughters had grown up, she became "Mom" to these other kids who so desperately needed one. We became reacquainted when Fifi and Linds attended kindergarten together (they've been best friends ever since).
Jackie just idolizes Linds and they took her away to the lake with them on their summer vacation last year. They piled everyone/everything into their van and went fishing. They also happen to throw the best "theme" parties for the kids....they're just awesome people.

I was devastated tonight to learn that Vince's battle with cancer has taken a sudden turn for the worst. It's fucking tragic...here's this man (younger than I am), who's the core of a beautiful family and the very real possibility is that they may lose him. Things aren't looking good. Last I heard he'd been doing well...tonight, not so much. When we entered the theater, we quickly realized that the wheelchair seats were so close to the screen that everything was blurry...we couldn't stand it. And there was no way to get Fif up to the rows further back, so Vince decided to carry her up. I didn't know he was still sick, I thought he was pretty much out of the woods. The decision to carry her was a mistake...he's weak and it pretty much did him in. He was in pain throughout the movie, but tried to hide it. He then explained that his cancer markers are up and he's going for more chemo soon. He just needs to build his strength up first. Damn it. I thought he was on the road to recovery. The movie ended and we really didn't know how we'd get Fif down to her chair. She scooted along on the floor (as she does...amazing), but she quickly ran into a big pile of sticky looking ooze that we didn't want her crawling through. Normally I'd have picked her up but lifting's a huge no no until after I've had my procedure in the summer. Vince lifted her over the guck and she worked her way down the stairs, to her chair. To see them struggling together just tore up my heart. I'll pray every night that Vince turns the corner and starts healing again. I just can't imagine how life will go on for that family without him.

* * * * * * * * * * *

If I have a bad moment and am doing the pity party in future, I only need think of Fif and Vince and how lucky I really am in life. How some take adversity in stride and keep smiling through it - they're my heroes, these two. Tonight was a real struggle for Vince yet he was there, slugging it out for the sake of this child. And she's unbelievable in her own right. We're blessed to know this family and I'm thankful to have spent this night with Vince and Fif. Because I just don't know about the future. Damn cancer.

This is a fun little IQ test (thanks lala). If you have a few minutes go check it out. Unfortunately, I didn't know how to post the results here, but I scored 117 (woot!...I predicted 100). My strong areas were the memory sets (6/6 on both). Go on, have fun with it.

Vancouver's Finest At Work

This was an incident that occurred on Saturday in Vancouver. Apparently a fireman let his drunk son drive and they were involved in an accident. When police arrived they were somewhat sarcastic (and pissed that their backup had crashed on the way to the scene, sending officers to hospital). The father/son team then grew aggressive with the officers, as well as witnesses who were present. So police doled out the punishment as they've done before - take a look...

I'm a multi tasker alright...right at this minute I'm making bacon cheddar burgers with grilled peppers marinaded in olive oil/herbs/garlic with caesar salad, and I'm playing poker AND I'm helping the Canucks to another victory all while blogging. Fuck, I feel tired just listing it all.

So...GO CANUCKS (hey tc - don't ya' love junky's new canuck blog?)

Check in later...a lot on the go here (see the energy just oozing out of this page?)

Just back from the doc's office. Things are all coming up roses and I should be back to fighting form in no time flat. The bags should start fading (if the ex doesn't bug me anymore) and the color is slowly coming back as I ditch the anemia. It's good to start feeling human again, instead of like a walking corpse. Here I am, at my worst.Getting there.I tend to forget how crude things can be with Ty here...I'd hung a mirror up for Linds on the landing so she could sit and blowdry her hair while he was away. I forgot to put it back and trust him to notice it.

"What the hell's this for, so I can look at my crotch?". Which is exactly the level it hit him at. And he made sure he did a little dance, just to test it out.

Then he continued..."or did you decide to adopt midgets while I was away?"

Yep, he's back.