Perspective

After my optimism over the cheeseburger and sneaking a smoke outside (yes, she did), Mom's condition appears worse than I thought. I fully expected her discharge from hospital today - it turns out her cat scan has revealed something in her brain that needs investigation and she'll be staying awhile. She knows something's wrong - says she "feels" something different in her head. And she's pretty bang on with that stuff. Her left foot (the paralyzed one, that she always had feeling in) was dragging under her wheelchair on the pavement yesterday - I thought it was her blanket caught in the wheel that was causing the reisistance.

In '86, when she had her aneurysm/stroke, she stayed over 3 months in hospital and it wasn't always pretty. They left her alone once in the bathroom (bad idea) and she fell off the toilet and was unable to get up or summon for help. This hospital stay has been a fucking fiasco - floods, fires, police, beat up hookers...anything but comforting or therapeutic.

I am appalled at the state of our healthcare system. Mom has been hospitalized with life threatening bouts several times over the past couple of years - we've never received any answers. We've deducted that they've been the result of a severe allergic reaction to (we think - no one's helping much with this) sesame products and msg. This trip to emerg was the same as all the others, check temperature, blood pressure, and all other vitals, then wait all night to be told "you can go now". No answers, suggestions, recommendations, NOTHING. But this bout was different than the others. Mom knew it and so did I.

When she originally went to ER, we stayed for several hours in the wee hours, then she was sent home. The next morning, when she had another episode, I took her back and had to fight, tooth and nail to have her admitted. Actually I threatened. As the doctor stood telling me she was ok at home and that she "could always call an ambulance", I informed him that he'd be accepting responsibility for that decision should something go terribly wrong. He quickly found her a bed and admitted her. It was the best thing. We need to know what the hell is causing her seizures (that cause her tongue to swell, nearly suffocating her. She vomits. She sometimes loses consciousness. She falls. Her blood pressure drops substantially). She CAN'T get to a phone at that point, let alone DIAL one. This doctor also said "what about you, can't you stay with her?". He had a point. And I do, most of the time. But I'm also a mom and the breadwinner of the family. Geez, I guess some people don't know what any of that is like. He obviously didn't. WE NEED FUCKING HELP. Dad's a ticking time bomb with his "bulging" aneurysm. He goes Oct. 11 (my birthday) to take care of that. Until then, he's supposed to stay "calm" and not raise his BP.....sending her home would probably be the end of both of them. I was told, flat out by doctors, there's not a bed to be had in the hospital. So let's keep building fucking condo worlds on every corner here - we need a trillion more people, don't we? If it's this bad now, what's going to happen? I am shocked that we can't access a hospital bed when one is so desperately needed. Maybe we could buy one? That, in essence, is what's happening here. Those with money can get what they need.

Note to my Government: DON'T LET PEOPLE KEEP COMING WITHOUT THE RESOURCES FOR THEM (US)...it's that fucking simple. Keep piling them in and then what? We die out on the street?

I don't get it. What's it all coming to? The place was a fucking dive - the bathroom's garbage was overflowing to the floor. There were people's urine/sample containers on the counter. Pee on the seat. The final straw is probably the bedpan full of stool that was placed on a footrest with one of those disposable little blue/white mattress pads thrown over it. It sat all day, in mom's room (it wasn't hers). Dried blood on the walls and curtains. I can't take it....I'm fearful that she'll get sicker in there than she was when she arrived.

Something's gotta' give. People who get sick deserve better. This fucking government owes seniors more dignity and compassion than this. And, in all honesty, I think some (not all) people get into nursing/health care for the wrong reasons - there is no bedside manner present in some of them at all. Like the lazy, yawning fatass nurse who "stole" someone's specifically planned meal from the food cart. "Whose is this, I'm hungry?" "Mrs. So & So" (reply). "Well I'm gonna' take it 'cause I'm hungry". "But what about her?". "Oh, they'll order another one up for her". Is that appropriate? I could go on and on, but I won't (today). Tomorrow I'll write installment number two of why you should care about the people you're nursing. (One nurse's solution to getting mom up out of bed was to pull her by her paralyzed arm, like a winch. "What are you doing?" I shrieked, from the other side of mom. "I think we can pull her up by her arms" said Nurszilla. "No, I think that's a bad idea and you'll hurt her as you pull them out of the sockets. She's paralyzed, not dead". God, give me strength.)

Suddenly, my stolen camera seems so unimportant.

Nothing Nice To Say

I'm really crabby today and have been most of the weekend. I don't like to be a total bummer and negative, which is why I'm going to "chill" a few days and get my act together.

First, I was bummed over the MG thing....I'm a poor loser and a bitch and wanted everyone's hair to catch on fire who was there, enjoying what we would've loved. But, in following the live blogging, I quickly changed my mind and felt very "included" (I think the feeling "excluded" had been a big factor in why I was pulling out my voodoo doll..."hhmmf...what's wrong with ME? Are they better than ME?"). Issues. I have serious fucking issues. I'm over that now and am glad those people had the experience of a lifetime - still wish we would've but, hey, at least someone did.

Now what's kicking the shit out of me today? Number 1 biggie - the anniversary of putting my girl to sleep. It fades, but never goes away and I miss her so much. I think that's why I've been so bitchy all weekend (well, that and pms). I think that, subconsciously, this time of year just tunes me in to missing her and remembering that god awful day (I carried her down the street to the vet - she was too weak to walk or go in the car). Then my drunk friend showed up at the vet, despite me telling her to leave me alone during what should have been a very private moment. Her intentions may have been good, but she barged right in the room, disrupting Kok as I tried to give her a very calm, peaceful send off. It was ugly for me...not the way to say good bye to a best friend of 15 years.

Less important but still a piss off...that new camera I bought and was posting zillions of pictures from - gone. Stolen, from right outta' my bike bag. So I'm very unimpressed, uninspired and feeling downright sorry for myself.

Anyhow, material shit - I'll survive. But the $300 I dropped (including memory card/charger/batteries) may as well have been flushed. I won't get another one. I just can't afford it and that really sucks.

On a positive/negative note - Andre's playing his final tournament. I've been watching him play for 20 years now - it's going to be so strange without him in tennis. I guess Nadal's my new guy. I shall shed many more tears this week, then hopefully pull myself together and get on with it. I must go help him now, he's struggling and needs my cheering through the TV. Later.

I'm Not A Good Loser

Gotta' do this. I'm pissed that we're not going to the show tonight. I never expected we would be and shouldn't have such a lousy attitude, BUT I DO. I guess this is part of it...yesterday was a really good day. I was happy at work, minding my own business when Ty called me about the email to MG deal. And I kind of wish he would've never seen it. Because then he told Linds, who's just starting to come out of a deep depression that's lasted since November. She's not completely o.k., but she's made a lot of progress lately. And I just don't like setting her up for failure at such a fragile time in her life. I know, part of life and "get over it". But a lot's happened with/to her lately and she just didn't need any more heartache. She hardly slept last night and was checking her email every couple of minutes. And that's part of the problem. When her boyfriend went back to France, she spent every night checking her email in the wee hours in the dark. Nothing. And I just hate seeing her being disappointed, all over again. MG is her fucking IDOL - the only thing to rouse her out of bed when she was smack dab in the middle of her funk. Today is kind of shit around here. Ty's disappointed that his gesture for his sister failed. He so wanted it for her. Not because she's someone wanting to see a concert. Because she's needing affirmation that she's "worthy" of kindness and attention. She is in counselling and it's deep. We just didn't need to build up her hopes to only have them totally deflated. Really bad timing!

Don't get me wrong, she's out shopping at Metrotown and will be fine (today). It's just that, somewhere deep within her, this will be another rejection and I know that tonight, as she lay in her bed, she'll wonder why she wasn't picked. And somehow she'll interpret that as something about her - that SHE isn't good enough to go. She's 15 - it's part of the deal at that age. Self esteem isn't something that's in abundance when you're her age. I would've never shown her Matt's blog - I would've simply submitted something (on her behalf, as Ty did) and then let it rest. And she would've never known that she wasn't "picked". Only if she had been.

Anyhow, she will be o.k. in the end....it's just that every little sign of "you're not good enough/we didn't pick you" sets her back about 10 notches inside. And we're trying to move forward here.

I realized today that I'd sent my submission to the wrong email...a sign that things just weren't meant to be I guess. But I so wanted this for Linds - a "boost" before she faces those bastards at the school again. It would've put her in such a great frame of mind....oh well, what could've been isn't gong to be.

I'm a fucking shitty loser. Not usually, but today I am.

That's the end of today's bitchfest. Thanks for coming.

Dad

Since you're getting to know my family a bit, it's time you know about "Papa" (Dad). I have been blessed in my life with parents who love me unconditionally and everything they do in their lives is for me and my kids. My Dad is a superhero...no word of a lie. When Mom suffered a stroke 20 years ago that left her paralyzed on the left side, Dad made decisions that other men in his position opted out of. I remember the day, in Holy Family Hospital, when they were asking what we were going "to do" with Mom. Dad got this puzzled look on his face and said "what d'ya mean?". They explained that, just as the man of a wife who shared Mom's room was doing, there was an option for Dad to leave Mom in the hospital permanently, to be cared for. There was no question in Dad's mind. Mom would be home. He would care for her.

And that's how it's been for twenty years. Dad's worked outside of the home, as well as doing ALL the domestic chores - everything, like laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning, gardening, even taking care of Mom's hygiene (although that's mostly my department - women's work). It's not been easy, but Dad's done it all without ever grumbling. He's a true man, through and through.

This is his garden....his pride and joy. It's his favorite place to sit, as he visits with people passing by. Everyone in the neighbourhood knows/loves him. He's the one who gives them freshly caught wild salmon and flower bulbs. I don't know what we'd do without him.....and just a short time ago we were facing that, as he battled cancer.

The new challenge on his plate is an abdominal aneurysm. He's been scheduled on my birthday to go have it dealt with. I just know he'll come through it, smelling like a rose. Because he's a superhero, remember?

My Happy Place

All this Matt Good insanity is too much for me. I now understand anxiety. I can't take this - I know we won't get picked, but how do you sleep with the prospect of what "could possibly" be? No one deserves it like my kids. Of course, I'm a huge fan and would love nothing more than to take in this experience, but I so want it for them. No one would believe the stuff we've endured since '98....it's been like a long bad dream that we're just starting to wake up from (knock on wood). During Matt's acousitc show, Linds sat right smack dab in the middle of the aisle on the floor. Normally I'd have asked her to move - under the circumstances, I let her be. It had been a rough go for her. She dropped out of school last year with 3 months to go - long story. She's extremely nervous about returning...this could be a real boost for her. Fingers are crossed. Just not holding my breath, that's all.

The Many Faces Of Ty

I won't show you the "real" Ty pics...there's one of him fingering the camera, "mooning" it and karate chopping it. He's a ham, a big show off. But he keeps us in stitches around this place and I think I'll keep him (for now). (And I'm glad he doesn't drink because he'd be a complete handful - he's enough of a clown without booze).

Back To $chool Time

This is my princess, Linds. She's getting ready to go back to school, which means "cha-ching" for me. I'm pretty lucky though, really...she bargain shops and doesn't buy into "name" brands (thank God). And she looks every bit as good (even better, actually) as those whose parents drop 5 times what we do. But still, I'm bracing myself for the final tally of the new shoes, jeans, shirts and coat that go hand in hand with September. My 6/49 numbers had better come in tonight!

Miss Half Empty

I must be Ppms'ing because today everything is irritating me. Even hearing my hair grow (or dry out, which is probably more likely). As a tribute to this, here are some things I hate (today and everyday):

1/ things stuck on the bottom of my bare foot
2/ trying to be considerate when others are sleeping, but I can't find that one notch on the TV volume between "I can't hear it"
and "too fucking loud"
3/ doing dishes
4/ coughing and sneezing
which reminds me:
5/ when other people cough and sneeze in my direction
6/ needing new clothes
7/ looking like crap in new clothes
8/ trying clothes on
9/ work when I have other, more important, things to do (like nothing)
10/my piece of shit Volvo that, just when I start thinking it's dependable & reliable, does a "NOT" and stalls in my driveway or a tunnel

That's all. Just a momentary bitch fest. Now I have to go get in my piece of shit car (sneezing), in my clothes that look like crap and pick up my son (1.5 hour drive), then rush back home to do dishes before work. Fuck. Have a nice day!

BC Lions Cheering Works Commercial

In response to Mel's post, here's another one I like. Looking for my "favorites", which both involve a "chain of events". One's a guy driving a truck, the other a living room scene, involving a ceiling fan. Thanks Mel, for reminding me of these!!

From Farms to Fortresses

As I stated I'd be doing in my last post, these are pics of the one mile span between my home and the river. If you were to head in the opposite direction of this you'd find that this road goes straight through the heart of the city and is considered the "main drag". The northern end (which I hate and avoid like the plague) is concrete, hotels and shopping malls. This is the most southern part, where I live. Up until recently it was mostly farmland, but it's slowly becoming more and more developed - mostly huge mega houses that completely dwarf the little ranchers that once ruled the street. The monstrosity I just posted about sticks out like a sore thumb. This is some of what surrounds it.....

Nice Place, WHAT THE HELL IS IT?

One of my future endeavours is going to be to post pictures of the street I live on - not the entire thing, but from my place to the river. This is because it's the weirdest contrast of everything from farmland & trailers to mega mansions with bowling alleys in them. There are dog kennels and horse stables and then, in the middle of it all, is this monstrosity. WHAT THE FUCK IS IT? I'm telling you, if someone starts firing missiles at us, I'm running to THIS neighbours place to bunk out.....

Class Afloat

I went down to the dock tonight to see the S.V. Concordia, which is a ship hosting the coolest concept I've heard of in awhile...school at sea. High school students sail around the world and, while doing so, earn credits. They work as crew, as well as participate in an academic programme that is tailored to the needs of serious college prep students. They travel to places like Kenya, Singapore, the Galapagos, etc. all aboard a ship equipped with a CD Rom library, reference library, computer services and two classrooms.

A few years ago they hand selected a couple of students from Richmond to participate in the program and one of them was from my kid's school. He actually had been struggling in school, as he was very outwardly gay and being teased and bullied. I knew his mom, who was very supportive and had applied for the program to give him a chance at learning in a different environment. I was happy to see him there tonight...what an adventure he'd been on!!
Considering there's a ship this size docked here, I'd expect more adequate fire equipment....."fire on deck, grab the bucket"???

This One's For You Mel....

So, when you come to Richmond and we're finished listening to Celtic songs at the pub just past the church, we'll go pick up some little goodies here, o.k.?? 'Cause no party would be complete without wood chips and hog fuel, right? I'm lucky to have the convenience of having this stuff right up the road - if there's ever an earthquake I'll sure be set. And I really like the "immediate delivery" because, as we all know, when you run out shavings and sawdust, you've just gotta' get some more PRONTO.

Signs

I've decided my new hobby is sign photography. Why?....I don't know. But it is. So here is the beginning of my new time wasted. More to follow tomorrow. I don't get it either.

The Derby Was In Town This Weekend

His owner said he doesn't like this side of his face washed (attitude!).


This derby is an international event and people travel from all over the world to attend. It's free for those who live here (me). I'm lucky enough to live about a half mile away, so I bike to it. All weekend there are speed & jumping events...it's really quite a show!

Steveston...Where My Heart Is

This is from Garry Point, facing north and basically looking at my back yard when I grew up. I lived steps away from this and, as a kid, it made for wonderful memories. Love this place - just thought I'd share it with you.

Rock Show

Someone at the beach was very creative today.

And The Winner Of Rock Star Super Pigeon Is.....

.....a crow.

she's in it for the money

If this doesn't make you cry, then you ain't got a heart. Saw it at Matt's blog, needed it for myself.

Wish the dude would've shut up...a song like this deserves silence.

Brittania Heritage Shipyards

A pit stop.

Rock Star Super Pigeon

A Picture A Day

I've decided that while I'm lame and don't feel like posting 'cause I really have nothing to say, I will post a picture a day, all from my infamous daily bike ride (*Alana gasps at the prospect of Debz saying nothing....it can't be true).

Hhhhhmm, seems to be working now (WTF?)

This Is Just A Test (Bike Ride Pics)

I'm So Mad I'm Gonna' Scream

Here I go with more stupid computer problems. I don't even care anymore, I'm not fixing this. My last post (with ride pics) was my third attempt. I had 5 other pics posted and all was well until I clicked on them in my blog to see the bigger version. What the hell is up with that? This most recent attempt initially worked - I clicked on each pic and got the bigger size. Went away for awhile and did some other stuff, came back and we're back to a possessed fucking blog that shows some sort of updated hieroglyphics instead of a picture. I give up. This blogging obviously is not my specialty. UUUUUUUURRRRGGHHHAAAAAHHHH!

Pics From My Bike Ride (Steveston)

I ride the same route 2-4 times a week and these are things I see along the way. I'm very lucky, my street is a country road, with farms and open fields. Which is quite deceiving because that's just at the south end of it - head north and it leads to the heart of the city and the main bus route/soon to be RAV line. It's a real contrast. I head up to the dyke trail and ride into Steveston, where I was born and raised. It's such a cool place - they've really fixed it up and it's a beautiful, scenic ride full of color, nature, and spectacular views of the river and mountains. We're very spoiled here...."ssshh, it's a secret". I plan on posting a lot of pics, just because I want to show you how beautiful it is here. Enjoy.

1) Splash Toy Store (my daughter's favorite shop in Steveston)
2) Shady Island (people cross over the rocks to get there...what they don't realize is that at high tide they're completely
submerged and there is no way to get back, leaving them stranded until the next low tide!)
3) A blue heron in a ditch just up the road from my place.

Soundtrack of the Century

Okay, this is my idea. We're making the best damn (pretend) CD in the world. I'm throwing out some songs, then you add 5. We'll keep adding on, as we think of our favorites. Not necessarily "the best" songs on earth, just OUR very best choices. Let's see what we come up with. I actually could list about 2,394,359 right now, but will start with a few. Here goes:

Ten Years Gone - Led Zeppelin
Tripoli - Matt Good
Black - Pearl Jam
Water - Holly McNarland
Nautical Disaster - Hip
Aneuysm - Nirvana
Chloe Dancer/Crown of Thorns - Mother Love Bone
Hurt - Johnny
Nutshell - Alice In Chains

This will be hard. I can think of 5 a second. There will be "classic" best songs, but I'm talking "personal preferences". I'm always curious about what other people are listening to.

Finally Uploaded The New Pics

I'm a little slow (I know), but this is the first of the pics I took on the new camera. This is at Garry Point in Steveston, where I practically grew up. I love it here, it's beautiful. Will post many more pics tomorrow - very tired as it's 2:22 a.m., which is aka BEDTIME! G'night all.

Happy Birthday To You!

Today someone very special is having a birthday. It's not often that someone like this comes into your life and brings such sunshine and happiness. This person has done this, most especially for my son, but for the entire extended family as well.

A few years ago my son was having a bit of a difficult time - nothing too serious, but he was feeling a little lonely/isolated as some friends betrayed him, we were experiencing some family problems (including medical ones), and there was the typical school stuff at this age - but it all had me concerned about his emotional well being. Apparently, as I feared the reason for him holing up in his room alone was depression and I worried about his state of mind, he was making friends with someone who would become very important in his life, as well as ours.

Funny how that story goes - as an avid hockey lover he usually could be found on the Canucks website, chatting with other guys about all the ins and outs of the game. One very knowledgable fan tweeked his interest and they began a friendship. Well imagine his surprise/delight to discover his new friend was actually a gorgeous female who loved hockey (almost) as much as he did. My God, sent straight from heaven (obviously).

They've been together over two years now and she (I won't reveal her name, 'cause she's so good you'll wanna' come and kidnap her for yourself) is a definite "keeper". Not only is she absolutely gorgeous, but she's kind, caring, compassionate, hard working, empathetic, intelligent, witty, funny, easy going, fun loving, polite (a true lady, through and through) and a big time Canucks fan (as we are). Wow, that's not even really the tip of the iceberg, but you get the point.

Happy birthday to you, my dear. You've brought more happiness to my son in the couple of years you've known him than I could've ever imagined. You mean everything to him (and to US). My daughter idolizes you like the big sister you are to her. Papa thinks you're an angel. (You are). Nan, Gaga and Keath all love you too. And me, well you know how I feel about ya' ("yea beer").

Hope you're out, doing it up right today. You deserve it...you're a special person who I wish all the happiness/love in the world to. I couldn't have handpicked anyone for my son who would measure up even close to you - you two are the perfect couple. It's no wonder you're such a great person - you're from a wonderful family. Your Mom and brother are the type of people that have a way of making you feel comfortable and like they're old friends that you've known forever. The whole bunch of you are special and we're privileged to know you. You'll (all) always have a place in this family.
Love & best wishes to you, on your birthday.

(Wahoo...Go Lions!).

Love from Deb *tears*