Monday, April 30, 2007
To read the story, go visit E's blog. Great stuff.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
It's funny how a missing family member can completely change the relationships of the remaining members. Some grow stronger/closer while others seem to be strained and just aren't seem the same......
I counted on you and it was usually times like this that you'd give me a hug and help me through. It's not a competition to see who loved her more, who hurts more. I just know I ache. And that you've grown cold. At first I thought you needed your space, that time would get it back on track. But it seems this is the new "us" and I'm not sure I like it. I never would've thought it would be like this. I'm floored, saddened, confused and basically crushed inside. And she was always the one to figure it out for me - make sense of it all when you weren't. It's too soon for me to go rifling through her stuff, "picking" what I want/don't want. I want her here, that's what I want. I don't care about waltzing around town in her "good" clothes. I don't want to see how nice the room looks. Maybe one day, but not today.
I never would've thought this. Ever. And it's somehow like I've lost both of you.
God I wish she was here to make a silly joke about it all.
I miss you Mom.
XO
I'm pretty psyched....just found out that I won this contest.
Now, in all fairness I should give it to Linds for a couple of reasons. Ty was the grateful recipient of the last jersey I won (the autographed Geroy one) and he already has three Canucks jerseys. But he's a huge fan and I know he'd love the new jersey. What to do?
I think that Ty will probably get it (although I really want to keep it for myself) - he's the biggest fan I know. He won't leave the house when a game is on - even preseason radio games!! He counts down the days to training camp each year and goes into a deep withdrawal when the season ends.
If it were a Nirvana/Bright Eyes/Killers jersey Linds would be in for sure. But it's Canucks and I think Ty's gonna' score another one. He better remember me when I'm old and decrepit.
Labels: But I never win anything
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Happy Birthday My Girl
Sixteen today (NO, MY LITTLE GIRL!). May you always have love and happiness in your lifetime.
You are:
Artistic
Beautiful
Compassionate
Devoted
Energetic
Fiesty
Good natured
(A) Ham
Individual
Just Perfect
Kind
L.A.W. (inside joke)
Magnetic (and a mosher, damn it)
(A) Nutbar
Original
Pretty
Quite a character
Reflective
Sweet
Talented
Unique
Vivacious
Wild(e)
X-traordinary (o.k., I cheated here)
"Your Mom's" (bestest daughter)
Zany
and loved sssssssooooooooooo much.
Happy Birthday sweetie. Now let's go have some fun!!
Love Mom,
XOXOXOXO
You are:
Artistic
Beautiful
Compassionate
Devoted
Energetic
Fiesty
Good natured
(A) Ham
Individual
Just Perfect
Kind
L.A.W. (inside joke)
Magnetic (and a mosher, damn it)
(A) Nutbar
Original
Pretty
Quite a character
Reflective
Sweet
Talented
Unique
Vivacious
Wild(e)
X-traordinary (o.k., I cheated here)
"Your Mom's" (bestest daughter)
Zany
and loved sssssssooooooooooo much.
Happy Birthday sweetie. Now let's go have some fun!!
Love Mom,
XOXOXOXO
Friday, April 27, 2007
Smile, It's Friday
My Friday random (before work) shuffle.
1. The Verve - One Day
2. Ben Harper/Pearl Jam - Another Lonely Day (acoustic)
3. Candlebox - Far Behind
4. Cyndi Lauper - The Body Acoustic
5. Goddo - Pretty Bad Boy
6. Hip - Grace Too
7. Harry Nillson - Without You
8. Rolling Stones - Memory Motel
9. Blind Melon - Soup
10. Live - Lightning Crashes
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Mr. Postman
I've received three pieces of mail this week that have all been opened. The first was a promo from the horse track that was sealed and had five flaps which, when opened, could possibly reveal a prize. Not only was the seal broken (which, o.k., could have inadvertently happened somehow). But all five flaps were ripped open too!! "NOT A WINNER". I guess if it had been I never would have received it. I called Canada Post and eventually a supervisor called me back.
"I've spoken to the carrier and he says he didn't open it. If he has open mail his procedure is to put it in a special bag and
return it to the post office".
Yep, I'm pretty sure that's what he'd tell you. But I'm not buying it.
I let it go, but it's happened two more times and I'm getting fairly pissed. One piece had both corners opened to expose the contents. And another was addressed to the ex...Ty discovered it and it was completely open. I'm reaching my breaking point. I wonder how many things I HAVEN'T received??!
Today was the back breaking straw. I'd ordered a gift for Linds online that was to be delivered yesterday (via airmail). It didn't come and today I was just getting ready to go out when the doorbell rang. By the time I got to the door, noone was there (I peeked through the peek hole). I was shuffling upstairs when it dawned on me that it may have been the parcel delivery...so I went to check the mail slot for a notification. Nothing.
Purely on a whim I opened the front door (which we rarely use) and there was a box, sitting in the rain. Now, understand here, our front door is mere steps away from the main drag in Richmond and not far from a heavily used bus stop. And there was a nice $300 package for the taking, left right out there in the open. I was livid. The postman didn't even stick around long enough for me to answer the bloody door.
I called Canada Post (someone with half a brain this time) and they confirmed that the package should never have been left out there as it was marked "DO NOT SAFE DROP" (which means someone has to physically accept it at the door or it should've been returned to the post office for pick up). Someone's got some 'splainin' to do.
I finally got the reassurance that this stuff will be followed up....only problem, the mailman obviously knows where I live and that's somewhat unnerving. We all know how THEY can react when agitated.
Got any mail horror stories? Or do they just pick on me?
Labels: I promise my next post will be happy and positive...probably about dancing flowers and rainbows, I SWEAR I'M GONNA GO POSTAL
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Damien Rice
Damien was fantastic, everything we'd expected and more. He did most of our favorites (minus Insane/Grey Room) and they were beautiful. Personally, I missed Lisa Hannigan as she'd been a huge draw for me. But Damien still managed to pull it off alone and the songs they'd done together that he was now performing solo were still excellent. Just not the same, that's all.
We arrived to find that our seats kinda sucked and we were up pretty high, despite the fact that I was at Ticketbastards before they opened and had asked for the best seats available. But, by the time the clown had punched things in with his only working finger (and the urgency of a slug in long grass), the best seats had been snapped up. Plus, he'd advised me when I purchased them that I shouldn't take the best ones showing because they were in the bottom row balcony and there was a rail that obstructed the view. Maybe if we were midgets. Turns out that those were the best balcony seats and I'd foolishly listened to him and passed them up. He probably did it on purpose and was saving those for his aunts and cousins.
And so it was that we ended up in the second row balcony and our seats might've been o.k. if the two basketball players hadn't plunked themselves in front of us. Plus, the 19 year olds behind us were annoying as shit. One very immature guy directly behind Linds was obviously desperate for attention - LOUD & stupid. He never shut up and I think his chant of "RICE" before the show's start was the breaking point for me. Damn it, I didn't have my anthrax OR my bazooka on me. (Didn't I learn to "Be Prepared" somewhere? Yet, I was totally unprepared for "dude"). So, since maiming him was out of the question, moving was the only alternative.
Turns out Linds is a stickler for rules (didn't get that from me). It took a lot of prompting for me to convince her to ditch our seats in favor of some that didn't have fat heads and uncaged monkeys to contend with. We moved into some that were fairly decent, only to be moved as the "real" ticketholders arrived. We then moved over to some others and remained there for the night. Linds was a little disappointed, as a huge speaker blocked the view of some of the band. But we had a bird's eye view of Damien so I was good. I know we could've gone down to the floor and snagged some of the FRONT ROW seats that were empty (yes, they were...there should be a law against that). But Linds was too nervous and didn't want to keep moving around. (I'll have to teach her the fine art of jostling for position that I've perfected over the years. She has yet to accept that "rules" and morals go out the window at concerts. "Elbows out girl".)
So, back to the show. An entertaining little tidbit happened during a silent moment that followed a very moving, quiet song. All of a sudden a guy with a very booming voice yelled out "GO CANUCKS" and Damien obviously didn't hear it correctly and misinterpreted it. "What?" "Go nuts?"...and he proceeded to do so - a frantic little jig with some crazy arm/leg movements (that would've made Barb proud). He then realized that he'd heard it wrong and we proceeded to fill him in on what "Go Canucks" was all about. The interaction with the crowd was great - I love that in a show...it just makes it for me.
I didn't take many pictures....the flash nazis were out in full force and one actually came straight over when we did and told us to not take any more. I did get a snippet of video but it's not very good because I was so into the show that I didn't really care. But at one point a couple of girls yelled out "Damien, can we take your picture?", to which he orchestrated a brief photo op that resulted in the picture (above). It was dark (candle lit), so it turned out pretty grainy.
So, all in all, a great night. Linds was as impressed with the setting as anything...we wandered across the street to the library and she was blown away by it. We snapped a lot of pictures there, I'll post them later. But, for now, I have to get ready for work (blah) and then MY CANUCKS ARE ON!!! Woot. Looks like they read my letter and took it to heart.
Later cats.
We arrived to find that our seats kinda sucked and we were up pretty high, despite the fact that I was at Ticketbastards before they opened and had asked for the best seats available. But, by the time the clown had punched things in with his only working finger (and the urgency of a slug in long grass), the best seats had been snapped up. Plus, he'd advised me when I purchased them that I shouldn't take the best ones showing because they were in the bottom row balcony and there was a rail that obstructed the view. Maybe if we were midgets. Turns out that those were the best balcony seats and I'd foolishly listened to him and passed them up. He probably did it on purpose and was saving those for his aunts and cousins.
And so it was that we ended up in the second row balcony and our seats might've been o.k. if the two basketball players hadn't plunked themselves in front of us. Plus, the 19 year olds behind us were annoying as shit. One very immature guy directly behind Linds was obviously desperate for attention - LOUD & stupid. He never shut up and I think his chant of "RICE" before the show's start was the breaking point for me. Damn it, I didn't have my anthrax OR my bazooka on me. (Didn't I learn to "Be Prepared" somewhere? Yet, I was totally unprepared for "dude"). So, since maiming him was out of the question, moving was the only alternative.
Turns out Linds is a stickler for rules (didn't get that from me). It took a lot of prompting for me to convince her to ditch our seats in favor of some that didn't have fat heads and uncaged monkeys to contend with. We moved into some that were fairly decent, only to be moved as the "real" ticketholders arrived. We then moved over to some others and remained there for the night. Linds was a little disappointed, as a huge speaker blocked the view of some of the band. But we had a bird's eye view of Damien so I was good. I know we could've gone down to the floor and snagged some of the FRONT ROW seats that were empty (yes, they were...there should be a law against that). But Linds was too nervous and didn't want to keep moving around. (I'll have to teach her the fine art of jostling for position that I've perfected over the years. She has yet to accept that "rules" and morals go out the window at concerts. "Elbows out girl".)
So, back to the show. An entertaining little tidbit happened during a silent moment that followed a very moving, quiet song. All of a sudden a guy with a very booming voice yelled out "GO CANUCKS" and Damien obviously didn't hear it correctly and misinterpreted it. "What?" "Go nuts?"...and he proceeded to do so - a frantic little jig with some crazy arm/leg movements (that would've made Barb proud). He then realized that he'd heard it wrong and we proceeded to fill him in on what "Go Canucks" was all about. The interaction with the crowd was great - I love that in a show...it just makes it for me.
I didn't take many pictures....the flash nazis were out in full force and one actually came straight over when we did and told us to not take any more. I did get a snippet of video but it's not very good because I was so into the show that I didn't really care. But at one point a couple of girls yelled out "Damien, can we take your picture?", to which he orchestrated a brief photo op that resulted in the picture (above). It was dark (candle lit), so it turned out pretty grainy.
So, all in all, a great night. Linds was as impressed with the setting as anything...we wandered across the street to the library and she was blown away by it. We snapped a lot of pictures there, I'll post them later. But, for now, I have to get ready for work (blah) and then MY CANUCKS ARE ON!!! Woot. Looks like they read my letter and took it to heart.
Later cats.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
You can brave decisions
Before you crumble up inside
Spend your time asking everyone else's permission
Then run away and hide
Or you can sit on chimneys
Put some fire up your ass
No need to know what you're doing or waiting for
But if anyone should ask
Tell them I've been licking coconut skins
And we've been hanging out
Linds & I are off to see Damien Rice at the Centre for Performing Arts.
Last night her friend, Igor, was online and told her he'd been to a concert and "it was someone you'd just love - you've gotta' see this guy sometime because he's AWESOME".
Linds asked who it was and he said his name was Damien Rice. And, again, he reiterated to Linds how much she'd love this guy and should check him out. Then she told him we had tickets for tonight, as he was one of our favorites. Small world.
Monday, April 23, 2007
I'm biting my nails, pulling my hair out, pacing the floor, waving my flag, crossing my fingers, jumping up and down, hyperventilating, praying......WE NEED A GOAL.
NOW.
NOW.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Remember early on in my blogging when I used to complain about "missed shots" because I didn't have a camera? Well, guess what? I have a camera now and I still miss the great shots. The problem, it seems, is me.
Take today for instance - a huge flock of geese was circling out in the marsh and I snapped a few pics. "Wow" I thought. "Cool". Then all of a sudden the entire flock of about eight million geese flew directly over my head. I'm not talking way up in the sky, they were about ten feet up and went RIGHT overhead and I actually felt like ducking at one point. It was spectacular and the people beside me went "WOW, did you get that?". Nope. As I clicked the "beep beep beep" told me I'd used all the space on my memory card. Happens every god damned time.
So I stood and deleted some pics, just in case they did it again. And I stood and I waited. And they settled back into the marsh in the distance. I think one stuck it's tongue out at me. Do they have tongues? It was a blown one time photo op and, against the brilliant blue sky, it would've been a fantastic award winning photograph, I know it - probably worthy of inclusion in National Geographic or something. I suck.
Anyhow, here are the other shots as I enjoyed the beauty of this earth today.....
(This is Dad's garden....all organic - he composts and uses no pesticides/sprays. He grows: tomatoes, carrots, potatoes, green onions, parsley, garlic, peas, strawberries, beets, peppers, romaine/leaf lettuce, apples...all in his little corner of the earth).
Happy Earth Day.
Happy Earth Day.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
A Letter To My Team
Dear Canucks:
Remember when you used to have fun putting the puck in the net and winning? Well I had fun too and I'd really like it if you do it again.
The other team seems to be trying harder, skating faster, BREATHING? Why don't you do that? Don't get me wrong, I love you guys and will never jump off the bandwagon. Maybe in front of a train, but not off the bandwagon. But, seriously, WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE'D YOU HIDE MY TEAM?
Did you all smoke weed and eat Cheetos and ice cream before the game? Because I think the other guys drank Jolt and ate energy bars. We should try that.
I know you're better than them...please, go home and get a good night's sleep instead of playing poker and smoking cigars. Go to Church tomorrow and pray, pray, PRAY. Get on your knees for chrissake. And come Monday morning, make sure the equipment's good - no broken sticks, no dull blades. Maybe you could hire someone to handle that stuff?
I'll gladly come over and give you a pep talk in the dressing room Monday...I work until 5:30 - can be there by 5:52. Want me to bring coffee? Sugary donuts? Maybe I'll even slap you around because WE DESERVE BETTER HERE IN VANCOUVER. AND SO DO YOU.
I've seen 8,485,309 car flags in your honor today. If you don't win I'm going to personally collect them all, stitch them together and make a big sack and stuff you in it. Then run over you with each and every vehicle that they came off. I mean it. Your last chance here.
So c'mon guys, don't let it slip away. One game out of three...is that too much to ask? The Giants know how to do it...give 'em a call, maybe they can help.
I'll buy y'all slurpees after the game if you win. Promise. Maybe even some sour keys. C'mon, we need this.
Sincerely,
Deb.
Remember when you used to have fun putting the puck in the net and winning? Well I had fun too and I'd really like it if you do it again.
The other team seems to be trying harder, skating faster, BREATHING? Why don't you do that? Don't get me wrong, I love you guys and will never jump off the bandwagon. Maybe in front of a train, but not off the bandwagon. But, seriously, WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE'D YOU HIDE MY TEAM?
Did you all smoke weed and eat Cheetos and ice cream before the game? Because I think the other guys drank Jolt and ate energy bars. We should try that.
I know you're better than them...please, go home and get a good night's sleep instead of playing poker and smoking cigars. Go to Church tomorrow and pray, pray, PRAY. Get on your knees for chrissake. And come Monday morning, make sure the equipment's good - no broken sticks, no dull blades. Maybe you could hire someone to handle that stuff?
I'll gladly come over and give you a pep talk in the dressing room Monday...I work until 5:30 - can be there by 5:52. Want me to bring coffee? Sugary donuts? Maybe I'll even slap you around because WE DESERVE BETTER HERE IN VANCOUVER. AND SO DO YOU.
I've seen 8,485,309 car flags in your honor today. If you don't win I'm going to personally collect them all, stitch them together and make a big sack and stuff you in it. Then run over you with each and every vehicle that they came off. I mean it. Your last chance here.
So c'mon guys, don't let it slip away. One game out of three...is that too much to ask? The Giants know how to do it...give 'em a call, maybe they can help.
I'll buy y'all slurpees after the game if you win. Promise. Maybe even some sour keys. C'mon, we need this.
Sincerely,
Deb.
So when you're team sucks and is about to lose the second game in a row when they had a chance to take the series what do you do? You nearly chop off the tip of your thumb.
Actually I did it right before the game. And I was cutting up an orange so the juice went in there and stung like hell. It bled all down my arm and Ty wanted me to go to emerg and have it stitched. The game was coming on so there was no way I was doing that. I should've. It would've been way more entertaining.
If we don't win Monday I'm going to get the BC Lions to go over and beat up the Canucks (everyone but Trevor).
The ref is really getting on my nerves...Morrison gets high sticked across the face = nothing. We breathe at the Stars = 2 minutes. Bullshit.
I have to do a quick post because we only win when I post.
GO CANUCKS...WE'RE BACK ON TRACK NOW.
A goal coming for us...my call - Ohlund. (or Bulis)
UPDATE: I was worried...I couldn't find my car "gear" for the victory lap. But, a good omen?.....just found it and am ready to go. Now we just need the win!!!
Weekend Random Shuffle (that works, right?)
1. What's Up - Four Non Blondes
2. I Was Wrong - Social Distortion
3. Rico - Matt Good
4. Nugget - Cake
5. The Grace - Neverending White Lights
6. Stairway To Heaven - Led Zeppelin
7. Morphine & Chocolate - Four Non Blondes (again!)
8. Save You - PJ
9. Ball & Chain - Social D (again!)
10. Your Time Is Gonna Come - Led Zeppelin (again!)
Wow, suddenly my ex looks like Prince Charming. What bothers me almost as much as the immature rant itself is the fact that he's attempted to justify it afterward in the media. Instead of showing remorse and accepting responsibility for being an ass, he's trying to put the blame on his situation. Many of us go through messy splits (myself included), but we don't bully our children in the process. It's already difficult on them and it's a time that, as parents, we need to come through for them with extra love and support, not call them pigs. Despite trying to point fingers everywhere else but on himself, he's responsible for his actions and how he responds to anger/frustration. He clearly failed. Although I have empathy for anyone battling it out with an ex, this behavior is NEVER acceptable. Even in the worst situations where it gets ugly and one parent uses the kids in an attempt to control/manipulate things, the kids should never be made to suffer for it. Adults need to behave appropriately during times of crisis and there is no excuse for what happened here. "Losing it" during stressful situations is understandable, directing it at children is not. EVER. I would've felt better about this man if he'd simply said he'd made a big mistake and issued an apology to his daughter. What do you think?
Today....
Ty & Fiona popped over to see me at work and play some Keno.....can you tell who loves it and who finds it a little boring?
We then headed down the road to a little hideaway called Harry's, to hit a bucket of balls and do some putting. "Yes, Joyce," (my mother in law)..."I see you hiding there behind the post".Fiona - "Official flag holder for Team Ty" (and definitely underpaid)."What the fuck did you do to the flag?"
(Way to break the course guys)
Yes, we know you are a superstarTiger Tyler. (insert standing ovation)Drumroll.................and the winner is - TYLER. Because he always cheats wins.Time out to catch up on the local news in the clubhouse."Bunny sighting...18th hole" (at which point Deb abandons everyone to go mingle with" the locals")The little bugger was pretty good at dodging the papparazzi (me), who followed him all over the course trying to get "the shot".Fast little bugger.
Some obnoxious, fat headed jocks decided to disturb our shoot by acting like morons and scaring my little friend away. Impressive - they scare little bunnies. Real men. Wonder what they do for an encore - break their own noses?
(Ftr...I totally ruled on the driving range for the second time now. I'm seriously going to take up golf because I can blast that little sucker pretty damn far. And straight as an arrow. I think my new career is calling me if poker doesn't pan out.)
Oh, and yea Giants. They won tonight (3-2). Awesome.
Goodnight morning friends.
We then headed down the road to a little hideaway called Harry's, to hit a bucket of balls and do some putting. "Yes, Joyce," (my mother in law)..."I see you hiding there behind the post".Fiona - "Official flag holder for Team Ty" (and definitely underpaid)."What the fuck did you do to the flag?"
(Way to break the course guys)
Yes, we know you are a superstar
Some obnoxious, fat headed jocks decided to disturb our shoot by acting like morons and scaring my little friend away. Impressive - they scare little bunnies. Real men. Wonder what they do for an encore - break their own noses?
(Ftr...I totally ruled on the driving range for the second time now. I'm seriously going to take up golf because I can blast that little sucker pretty damn far. And straight as an arrow. I think my new career is calling me if poker doesn't pan out.)
Oh, and yea Giants. They won tonight (3-2). Awesome.
Good
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Uncomfortably Numb
I'm so fucking mad. I just put together a heart pouring post and deleted it, along with my sanity. Idiot. Oh well, here's a condensed replacement because why shouldn't everything in life suck, right?
I've actually been coping fairly well and am surprised by that. I've managed to make it to work everyday and when friends ask and I mouth the words "she's gone", it's completely without emotion and as if I don't believe them, that I've just been programmed to say them. I guess that's the denial part, I don't know. I've become a robot - it's my coping mechanism. But, all in all, I think I've been fairly strong and am surprised by that...it's like I'm on autopilot and just going through the motions. I'm sure the impact is so deep that I've stuffed it down and it will present itself, in full force, on say Mother's Day and her birthday. I'm bracing for it now. I should start buying red wine by the quart and hording it away. But, for now, I'm doing o.k. and am not the mess I thought I'd be...I'm pretty stable.
I did have a meltdown yesterday after confirming the obituaries for the papers. The girl at the newspaper was way too fucking perky and she thought it was hilarious when she dated the receipt 2005...I'm glad she amused herself. Maybe if I stick your pen in your eye we can laugh like idiots at that too? She was really flippant and actuallly bordered on rude when I asked if they could save extra papers for me...."W-ELLLLLL, how many do you need?". I said half a dozen or so and she rolled her eyes and said "that's kinda a lot". Yeah, and you're two years behind the world so fuck off. You're kinda annoying.
Maybe I am a little angry. But I let her live, so that says something, right?
We went to Dad's for dinner, despite my really not being up to it yet. But it's not all about me, so I went. And I crumbled (somewhat). Linds and I spent a great deal of time in Mom's room...sharing stories, laughter and tears. Although Dad wants to empty stuff out now, I'm just not ready...I want it to remain undisturbed, exactly how it was when she was in there. But, again, that's not my decision and I respect that Dad has to look at it each and every day and it's crushing him. So, we started letting Linds cart out Mom's stuff.
Mom LOVED jewelry - it didn't have to be expensive but, if it shone in the sun, it was sold, on the spot. Her room was full of it. She bought her favorite necklace right off a woman's neck because it glistened in the sun (probably paid double what it was worth). And, despite the fact that she had about 400 necklaces or so, she always chose that particular one. She couldn't put jewelry on herself so, when she was going out, I'd go over to help her "accessorize". She never left the house without her hair done, lipstick on and her jewelry in place. It was Mom's law.
And, each and every time, it went down exactly the same way:
"Deb, can you find me a necklace to wear".
(Well, let me see - I'm not sure...you only have 400) - "Yes Mom". And I'd immediately make a b-line to "the" necklace, as I knew the other 399 would be rejected. They always were.
And, knowing she'd always pick that particular one, I'd be way ahead of her. I didn't need her to tell me which one because it was a given - it never changed. So I'd already have it in my hand as she'd begin describing it to me. "It's the diamond cut one that shines in the sun....."
"Yes Mom, I know".
"Oh, you found it? My favorite one?".
"Yes Mom".
I'd tried, in the past, to get her to wear one of the other 399 but, nope, no dice. It always had to be this one.
So I now wear the necklace with pride and a smile on my face. "Yes Mom, I've got the right one".
Linds will probably claim the 800 pairs of earrings that also never got worn because, again, she had her favorites. But she found comfort in being surrounded by them...they were pretty. She also had to have plenty of stuffed animals...but that's a whole other story and we'll get there one day.
* * * * * * * * * *
Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to get my ass in gear here. I am wearing two odd socks and have been eyeing up Ty's old hockey pants as casual wear for the day....guess it's time to hit the laundromat. Either that or Ty wears a skirt (again). One day I inadvertently put one of my skirts (that looked very similar to his shorts) in with his clean stuff. He slipped it on, thinking it was his shorts. The cool breeze up his legs quickly made him realize there was no crotch in his shorts. But that didn't stop him from shakin' his thang for us. Although I can't find that particular picture, it seems my son has donned our clothing before and appears to quite enjoy himself in the process. Should I be worried?
I've actually been coping fairly well and am surprised by that. I've managed to make it to work everyday and when friends ask and I mouth the words "she's gone", it's completely without emotion and as if I don't believe them, that I've just been programmed to say them. I guess that's the denial part, I don't know. I've become a robot - it's my coping mechanism. But, all in all, I think I've been fairly strong and am surprised by that...it's like I'm on autopilot and just going through the motions. I'm sure the impact is so deep that I've stuffed it down and it will present itself, in full force, on say Mother's Day and her birthday. I'm bracing for it now. I should start buying red wine by the quart and hording it away. But, for now, I'm doing o.k. and am not the mess I thought I'd be...I'm pretty stable.
I did have a meltdown yesterday after confirming the obituaries for the papers. The girl at the newspaper was way too fucking perky and she thought it was hilarious when she dated the receipt 2005...I'm glad she amused herself. Maybe if I stick your pen in your eye we can laugh like idiots at that too? She was really flippant and actuallly bordered on rude when I asked if they could save extra papers for me...."W-ELLLLLL, how many do you need?". I said half a dozen or so and she rolled her eyes and said "that's kinda a lot". Yeah, and you're two years behind the world so fuck off. You're kinda annoying.
Maybe I am a little angry. But I let her live, so that says something, right?
We went to Dad's for dinner, despite my really not being up to it yet. But it's not all about me, so I went. And I crumbled (somewhat). Linds and I spent a great deal of time in Mom's room...sharing stories, laughter and tears. Although Dad wants to empty stuff out now, I'm just not ready...I want it to remain undisturbed, exactly how it was when she was in there. But, again, that's not my decision and I respect that Dad has to look at it each and every day and it's crushing him. So, we started letting Linds cart out Mom's stuff.
Mom LOVED jewelry - it didn't have to be expensive but, if it shone in the sun, it was sold, on the spot. Her room was full of it. She bought her favorite necklace right off a woman's neck because it glistened in the sun (probably paid double what it was worth). And, despite the fact that she had about 400 necklaces or so, she always chose that particular one. She couldn't put jewelry on herself so, when she was going out, I'd go over to help her "accessorize". She never left the house without her hair done, lipstick on and her jewelry in place. It was Mom's law.
And, each and every time, it went down exactly the same way:
"Deb, can you find me a necklace to wear".
(Well, let me see - I'm not sure...you only have 400) - "Yes Mom". And I'd immediately make a b-line to "the" necklace, as I knew the other 399 would be rejected. They always were.
And, knowing she'd always pick that particular one, I'd be way ahead of her. I didn't need her to tell me which one because it was a given - it never changed. So I'd already have it in my hand as she'd begin describing it to me. "It's the diamond cut one that shines in the sun....."
"Yes Mom, I know".
"Oh, you found it? My favorite one?".
"Yes Mom".
I'd tried, in the past, to get her to wear one of the other 399 but, nope, no dice. It always had to be this one.
So I now wear the necklace with pride and a smile on my face. "Yes Mom, I've got the right one".
Linds will probably claim the 800 pairs of earrings that also never got worn because, again, she had her favorites. But she found comfort in being surrounded by them...they were pretty. She also had to have plenty of stuffed animals...but that's a whole other story and we'll get there one day.
* * * * * * * * * *
Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to get my ass in gear here. I am wearing two odd socks and have been eyeing up Ty's old hockey pants as casual wear for the day....guess it's time to hit the laundromat. Either that or Ty wears a skirt (again). One day I inadvertently put one of my skirts (that looked very similar to his shorts) in with his clean stuff. He slipped it on, thinking it was his shorts. The cool breeze up his legs quickly made him realize there was no crotch in his shorts. But that didn't stop him from shakin' his thang for us. Although I can't find that particular picture, it seems my son has donned our clothing before and appears to quite enjoy himself in the process. Should I be worried?
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Don't forget me while I'm away, k? 'Cause I Will Come Back.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Mom lost her fight today (well I guess it was now technically yesterday). This picture of her was taken by Lindsay after her first release from hospital, when we thought she'd be o.k. It was Thanksgiving dinner and, before we could say grace (a first for us), she was "digging in". We laughed about that.
She'd go back into hospital two months later and never come out. Today we dressed her in these, her favorite red pyjamas. I put her red slippers on her for the last time (she used to claim I was the only one who knew how to "do it right"). Her favorite cardigan, with smokes in the pocket. She always freaked out if her smokes weren't in there.
It was tough...I wasn't there. I've been by her side the entire time and I wasn't there in the end. Damn it, I was on the phone as my brother tried desperately to reach me from the hospice. The nurses tried me at work. They tried to have the telephone company cut in with an emergency call - I heard the beep but didn't know what it was. They failed and told my brother that "there was no conversation and my phone was off the hook". So my sister in law rushed over and told me to hurry but I didn't make it. Damn it. I was doing my fucking income tax when I got "antsy" and started pacing around. I began reading pamphlets from the hospice about how the body shuts down at the end. I've had them here a month, and I chose the exact moment that her body was shutting down to read about it. Very strange...as I read the words she (apparently) experienced it exactly as it was printed. She stopped breathing and my brother gently shook her and said "mom hang on" so that I could get there. And she started breathing again but I didn't get there in time. I was on the god damned phone. I'm NEVER on the phone...that's the part that gets me. I hate the fucking phone...everyone knows that. It's a struggle for me. I was always there with (for) Mom and it was so important for me to be there at the end. Selfish reasons. And I was talking to my boss, of all people - I'd decided to return unanswered phone messages from the day before. What timing I have.
Anyhow, gonna be rough for awhile. She truly was my best friend. I'll be posting a lot about her, mostly just for me. Ty wrote this last night, before she passed.
God bless you Mom. "All in".
Through this all I check my head
To see what's left and what's been spent.
Collect the change to see what I've got left.
They say that it gets easier, you know
as all time passes, down the road
but that to me provides no such relief.
To sit here as it slips away
maybe for but one more day.
To wish that I could just rewind the years.
To think that just a year ago
that we did not even know
the ugliness that lies within your head
Would quickly begin to arise
As we rehearsed final goodbyes
Around a kitchen table filled with food.
That night I sat next to your room
that had indeed become your tomb
Collecting all I thought that I had left.
And to this day I check my head
to see what's left and what's been spent
collect the change to see what I've got left.
And though I may buy back one day, the will to move ahead
To stand strong, and carry on, and not to hang my head.
Just know "Gaga", I love you so
wherever you reside.
Don't fear what's next for you will find.
I'll see you soon.
Somewhere.
Sometime.
She'd go back into hospital two months later and never come out. Today we dressed her in these, her favorite red pyjamas. I put her red slippers on her for the last time (she used to claim I was the only one who knew how to "do it right"). Her favorite cardigan, with smokes in the pocket. She always freaked out if her smokes weren't in there.
It was tough...I wasn't there. I've been by her side the entire time and I wasn't there in the end. Damn it, I was on the phone as my brother tried desperately to reach me from the hospice. The nurses tried me at work. They tried to have the telephone company cut in with an emergency call - I heard the beep but didn't know what it was. They failed and told my brother that "there was no conversation and my phone was off the hook". So my sister in law rushed over and told me to hurry but I didn't make it. Damn it. I was doing my fucking income tax when I got "antsy" and started pacing around. I began reading pamphlets from the hospice about how the body shuts down at the end. I've had them here a month, and I chose the exact moment that her body was shutting down to read about it. Very strange...as I read the words she (apparently) experienced it exactly as it was printed. She stopped breathing and my brother gently shook her and said "mom hang on" so that I could get there. And she started breathing again but I didn't get there in time. I was on the god damned phone. I'm NEVER on the phone...that's the part that gets me. I hate the fucking phone...everyone knows that. It's a struggle for me. I was always there with (for) Mom and it was so important for me to be there at the end. Selfish reasons. And I was talking to my boss, of all people - I'd decided to return unanswered phone messages from the day before. What timing I have.
Anyhow, gonna be rough for awhile. She truly was my best friend. I'll be posting a lot about her, mostly just for me. Ty wrote this last night, before she passed.
God bless you Mom. "All in".
Through this all I check my head
To see what's left and what's been spent.
Collect the change to see what I've got left.
They say that it gets easier, you know
as all time passes, down the road
but that to me provides no such relief.
To sit here as it slips away
maybe for but one more day.
To wish that I could just rewind the years.
To think that just a year ago
that we did not even know
the ugliness that lies within your head
Would quickly begin to arise
As we rehearsed final goodbyes
Around a kitchen table filled with food.
That night I sat next to your room
that had indeed become your tomb
Collecting all I thought that I had left.
And to this day I check my head
to see what's left and what's been spent
collect the change to see what I've got left.
And though I may buy back one day, the will to move ahead
To stand strong, and carry on, and not to hang my head.
Just know "Gaga", I love you so
wherever you reside.
Don't fear what's next for you will find.
I'll see you soon.
Somewhere.
Sometime.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
A quick update (because, as my very supportive friends throughout this ordeal, you deserve to know):
Yesterday morning I was just about to leave for work when Dad called to say things had taken an ugly turn - mom was having seizures and vomiting and it didn't look good. I called the boss, who came over and relieved me after I opened up so I could rush to the hospice. It was worse than I thought and they'd had to use a machine to suction mom's throat to clear it out. She was burning up with fever and obviously in pain and struggling. She's getting morphine every half hour, a suppository for fever every four and she has lines rigged up to both legs to prevent further seizures/stroke. So I've been by her side all day and just came home now to check in on things before I go back for the night. It's very near the end and much harder than I'd imagined...I thought I was prepared. Ha, guess I was wrong. So I'll be in and out, commenting sporadically and probably somewhat flakey...I just feel the need to stay connected to you guys. You're like a lifeline to me so in between the tears I'll be coming here for comfort, plain and simple.
Thanks for listening.
You're all the best (as are my kids/family).
Life's a bitch. Death's even worse.
Yesterday morning I was just about to leave for work when Dad called to say things had taken an ugly turn - mom was having seizures and vomiting and it didn't look good. I called the boss, who came over and relieved me after I opened up so I could rush to the hospice. It was worse than I thought and they'd had to use a machine to suction mom's throat to clear it out. She was burning up with fever and obviously in pain and struggling. She's getting morphine every half hour, a suppository for fever every four and she has lines rigged up to both legs to prevent further seizures/stroke. So I've been by her side all day and just came home now to check in on things before I go back for the night. It's very near the end and much harder than I'd imagined...I thought I was prepared. Ha, guess I was wrong. So I'll be in and out, commenting sporadically and probably somewhat flakey...I just feel the need to stay connected to you guys. You're like a lifeline to me so in between the tears I'll be coming here for comfort, plain and simple.
Thanks for listening.
You're all the best (as are my kids/family).
Life's a bitch. Death's even worse.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Don't Call Yourselves Canucks Fans If Your Bedtime's 9:30
I was pretty tired for work but stuck it out for the team. Which is more than I can say for those lame ass fans who left long before the game ended. And it wasn't just a few...half the building seemed empty near the end. I can't get a ticket because they're sold out, yet these losers get them handed to them by corporations who gobble them up and they don't even stay to see the outcome? C'mon people, these are the playoffs. This is your team. Disgusting, bordering on criminal. There should be a law during playoff hockey that if you hold a ticket you take an oath that your ass will stay in the seat until the W is decided. If Luongo can stand on those skates and make 72 saves, you can surely stay in your seat (and drink 72 beers) and cheer him on for that. Wave your damn towel with pride for chrissake. When Cooke and Burrows were injured and the rest of the guys picked up the slack to get the job done despite being totally "spent", you should've been on your feet, jumping up and down. Where were you? What's so important just before midnight that you have to rush home...you turn into pumpkins? I imagine you're the same fans that jump on and off the bandwagon every year. You probably drink light peach cider and wear penny loafers too, don't you?
I never leave a game until the three stars are announced. That should be mandatory.
I never leave a game until the three stars are announced. That should be mandatory.
Labels: do you throw your presents out with the wrap too?, premature evacuation
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
To the lowlife that stole my Canucks sign from my car door: that was bought for me by my 7 year old neighbour as a "thank you" gift. I loved that magnet and had it on my fridge because I was scared that if I put it on my car it would get ripped off by a scumbag like you. So I hope karma bites you in the balls and your TV blows up just after the face off tonight. Yes, I'm bitter.
It's On....Playoff Hockey Is Here!
What does this monkey have to do with playoff hockey? Well her name is Maggie and, for the most part, my money's on her picks.
In women's hockey news, congrats to our Canadian women, who had a convicing 5-1 win yesterday over the US to reclaim hockey gold! Way to go girls!!
In women's hockey news, congrats to our Canadian women, who had a convicing 5-1 win yesterday over the US to reclaim hockey gold! Way to go girls!!
Labels: Canadian women's hockey, monkeys are brilliant, NHL hockey, playoffs baby, Vancouver Canucks